Potash and Perlmutter Settle Things Part 10

"Germany and Hungary do," Abe replied, "which up to the time this here General Blanquet lands the other day in Mexico, people was beginning to say that why couldn't Germany have one last revolution and stick to it and look at Mexico the way she settled down, not having had a single revolution to speak of since January fifteenth, nineteen-nineteen."

"Well, I think the reason why the Mexicans 'ain't had a revolution in so long isn't because they didn't want to, Abe," Morris said, "but because it has taken them all that time to learn the technical terms. You see, a really and truly up-to-date revolution couldn't be run off nowadays, Abe, unless it is one of them Bolshevik Type revolutions, and in order to get the right kind of newspaper publicity for it the management has got to know enough Russian not to say _soviet_ when they mean _mir_.

Also I bet yer when it comes to a zemstvo, the Mexicans don't know even now whether you dance it to a guitar and cascanet accompaniment or eat it with garlic and chili sauce."

"A feller could make quite some money nowadays from teaching Russian by mail to revolutionary socialists," Abe commented.

"That ain't necessary in this country, Abe," Morris said, "because the Bolshevik government in Russia has sent over here a feller by the name of Martens to give a course in Bolshevism to American working-men."

"And did our government let him land?" Abe asked.

"Seemingly they did," Morris replied, "which is pretty liberal of our government when you consider that right now we got American soldiers in Russia which is fighting Bolshevism."

"It's even more than liberal, it's crazy," Abe said, "because while I believe in free speech, y'understand, Bolshevik speeches ain't free by a whole lot. Over in Hungary they became payable in thirty, sixty, and ninety days and the only people which ain't ruined by them is the makers and indorsers."

"You are right about the makers, Abe," Morris commented. "For the most part they are a bunch of no-account foreigners which all they risk by making such speeches is hoa.r.s.eness, y'understand, but some of the indorsers of such speeches comes from the best American families, and if the time ever comes when there _should_ be a little temporary Bolshevik trouble by foreigners in this country who have been encouraged by the liberal att.i.tude of the government to think that the worst which could happen to them would be ten dollars or ten days, y'understand, them indorsers would got to pay the same like any other decent, respectable people which ain't Bolsheviks. Take, for example, in Hungary and the protelariats is making the middle cla.s.s give up their bath-rooms to the working-people every Sat.u.r.day night."

"But the protelariats in New York has all got bath-rooms in their tenement-houses, Mawruss," Abe protested.

"I know they have, but they'll probably figure that why should they trouble themselves to empty the coal out of their bath-tubs, which is what them protelariats now use bath-tubs for, Abe, just to save the middle cla.s.s the inconvenience of changing their bath night from Sat.u.r.day to Friday," Morris said, "but at the same time, Abe, it don't look to me that a country which has got the modern convenience of America is going to go Bolshevik for the next few hundred years, anyway, because it is my idee that what makes a people become Bolsheviks is the lack of good plumbing and savings-bank accounts, and rather as have the privacy of their bath-rooms and their savings-bank accounts invaded, the big majority of the American people would declare the United States of America an obsolete monarchy with Ivan D. Ivanovitch, alias John D.

Rockafeller, Jr., as the first Czar, understand me."

"Well, if I would be the United States government I wouldn't let a Bolshevik land exactly," Abe declared.

"What do you mean--you wouldn't let him land _exactly_?" Morris asked.

"I mean what I say," Abe said. "I would let him pretty nearly land and then tip up the gang-plank. Also, Mawruss, if I would be the United States government, I would allow free speech, but not free speakers, y'understand, which I would make public speaking a profession the same like lawyers, dentists, or doctors, because if n.o.body could be a public speaker without taking a four-year course in public speaking and then getting licensed to practise as a public speaker after pa.s.sing an examination, y'understand, he would think anyhow twice before he says something in public which would bring him up on charges to show cause why he shouldn't have his license to practise as a public speaker taken away from him. In other words, Mawruss, the way I would prevent Bolshevism is that I would make the sheepskin take the place of the soapbox as a necessary article for public speaking, and incidentally in the foreign neighborhoods of our big cities, y'understand, not only would soap-boxes be used for soap, but it would also go a long way towards making bath-tubs used for bathing."

"At the same time, Abe," Morris said, "I couldn't help thinking that if the feller who talks in public was given less to talk about, y'understand, it would help a whole lot, too, which there wouldn't be nearly so many loafers go into the Bolshevik line if there wasn't so many respectable people engaged in what might be called manufacturing Bolshevik supplies, such as army officers which claims that n.o.body has a right to kick if a soldier gets ten years' hard labor for using bad grammar in speaking to an officer, y'understand. Also there is a lot of state Legislatures in this country which has seemingly formed themselves into Societies for the Encouragement of Bolshevism by earning, anyhow, the grat.i.tude of canners and cotton manufacturers who have got women and children working for them till all hours of the night, y'understand.

Then again there is the perfectly respectable people which would like to make by law a Sunday out of every week-day and a living tomb out of Sunday, understand me, and which would have n.o.body but themselves to blame if some day they would got to furnish soap and towels for the protelariats in their bath-rooms."

"Well, I'll tell you," Abe said, "Bolshevism as a form of government is pretty nearly exploded, Mawruss. It is now used princ.i.p.ally as a threat such as when Germany says if the Polaks get Danzig and West Prussia, y'understand, Germany would take up Bolshevism, and Paderewski says if the Polaks don't get Danzig, Poland would take up Bolshevism, understand me."

"And Paderewski would take up giving piano lessons to raise enough money to get out of Poland, Abe," Morris commented, "and he would probably have to do so, too, as there ain't much chance of his getting away with that Danzig stuff. Also, Abe, we Americans should ought to be the last to encourage him to think that he will, Abe, because while I don't know how long it is since Danzig, Germany, was Danzig, Poland, I do know that it ain't nearly so long ago as Galveston, Texas, was Galveston, Mexico, y'understand. So, therefore, if Mr. Wilson lets Poland get back Danzig, it wouldn't be long before Mexico would elect Teresa Carreno or Fannie Bloomfield Zeisler as President and claim Galveston with a corridor taking in San Antonio and Houston, understand me."

"Just the same, I am in favor that Germany should have to give up Danzig even if Danzig 'ain't belonged to Poland since 1492 and the only Danzig people now speaking Polish as a regular language is the interpreter of the First District Magistrate's Court for the City and County of Danzig, y'understand," Abe declared. "Furthermore, I think this here Peace Conference is taking it too particular about what Germany should or shouldn't give up, Mawruss, which if the shoe pinched on the other foot, Mawruss, and this here Peace Conference was being held in Berlin or Vienna, y'understand, with Germany, Austria, Turkey, and Bulgaria as the Big Four, understand me, there wouldn't be any question as to what Allied territory would or wouldn't be given up by the Allies, Mawruss.

If Germany would have won the war, Mawruss, she would have taken Calais and Boulogne with as much argument over it as a golluf-player taking a Scotch highball, y'understand, and if France would have threatened to go Bolshevik on account of it, Germany would of said, 'Don't do us no favors,' understand me, and let it go at that. So, therefore, if the people of Danzig couldn't speak Polish, Mawruss, let 'em learn to do so, even if it would be necessary for them to go to a nose and throat specialist till they got used to the p.r.o.nunciation."

"Say, for my part I am willing that this here Peace Conference should do anything and everything, Abe, just so long as they would get through with their work and I wouldn't have to listen no longer to your nonsense," Morris declared.

"No nonsense at all," Abe protested. "The thing this here Peace Conference should ought to have done from the start was to consider what Germany would have done under the circ.u.mstances, put the reverse English on it, and then let her whoop, which I see by the paper that they are now getting ready to make airyoplane journeys across the Atlantic Ocean, Mawruss."

"And what's that got to do with this here Peace Conference?" Morris asked.

"Nothing," Abe said, "except that I see Mr. Wilson is writing home that they should please send over the _George Washington_ in case it should be necessary for him to make good any bluff he might throw to the Peace Conference that if they don't do as he says, he would leave them flat and go back to America. So, therefore, if he has to make good sooner than he thinks, he could go home by airyoplane and not wait for the _George Washington_."

"I don't think that this here transatlantic airyoplane flying is exactly in the President-carrying cla.s.s just yet, Abe," Morris suggested.

"Neither do I, Mawruss," Abe said, "but the manufacturers of airyoplanes seems pretty confident, Mawruss. In fact, I see in the papers that it won't be but a matter of a few years when the New York business man which has business to do in London, instead of getting on the _Mauretania_ in New York and landing six days later in Liverpool, y'understand, would be able to take the railroad to Halifax, Nova Scotia, spend the night there or anyhow only as many nights there as it would be necessary before the steamer sails for Saint John's, Newfoundland, and then take the steamer to Saint John's, Newfoundland, where there would be a pa.s.senger airyoplane in waiting and no first-cla.s.s hotels, y'understand. At Saint John's, such is the strides airyoplane-manufacturing has made, Mawruss, he would probably only have to stick around for five or six days till the airyoplane was in shape to leave, understand me, and in twenty-four hours he would land at the Azores, where there ain't no hotels at all, understand me. In less than four days more, provided the repairs didn't take longer, he would be on his way to Lisbon, Portugal, which he would reach on the following day or days. There the same airyoplane or another airyoplane, in case the same airyoplane got smashed in landing, would be ready or approximately ready to start for Paris, and might even start, you couldn't tell. On arriving in Paris, he would be only a few hours by railroad and steamer from London, provided he was in shape to travel, which, when you consider that only a few years ago flying was in its infancy, Mawruss, you've got to admit that n.o.body could ever have dreamed that it was possible to make such a journey."

"Not unless you ate something which disagreed with you before you went to sleep," Morris commented, "and even then, Abe, where is the advantage?"

"It ain't the advantage, it's the novelty of the thing," Abe said, "and I'll bet yer, Mawruss, that if an Airyoplane Company was to open a ticket-office in New York to-morrow, Mawruss, men would be standing in line to buy accommodations on the first available airyoplane--men with wives and families and no life insurance at that."

"They would be the very first ones," Morris agreed, "but the way it looks to me, Abe, New York business men which has not business to do in London would continue to take twin-screw steamers with bilge keels, no matter how unimportant the business they was going to transact over there might be, because even the stockholders in airyoplane-manufacturing corporations would got to admit that while airyoplane-flying ain't in its infancy, exactly, it ain't in the prime of life, neither. Also, Abe, as long as gas only costs a dollar twenty-five a thousand cubic feet, why should any one want to pull off such a high-priced suicide as these here transatlantic airyoplane voyages is going to be?"

"Anyhow, the first one has still got to be made yet, Mawruss," Abe remarked.

"And even if the tenth one was successful, Abe," Morris concluded, "you could take it from me, this here transatlantic airyoplane navigation ain't going to put much of a crimp into the business of manufacturing seasick remedies. Am I right or wrong?"

XII

THIS HERE VICTORY LIBERTY LOAN

"The way some people is acting about this here Victory Loan, Mawruss,"

Abe Potash remarked one morning in April, "you would think that they was all presidents of a first national bank and that this here Carter J.

Gla.s.s has already made a big overdraft and if he don't like the line of credit they are giving him, he should be so good as to take his account somewheres else, y'understand."

"Them same people probably think that investing their money in any securities bearing interest at less than fifteen per cent. per annum is, so to speak, the equivalence from giving money to orphan-asylums and hospitals, understand me," Morris Perlmutter said. "'We already give them Liberty Loan _schnorrers_ two hundred dollars toward the expenses of their rotten war,' they probably say, 'and _still_ they ain't satisfied.'"

"And at that they don't mean nothing by it," Abe said, "because there is a whole lot of business men in the United States which couldn't even give up the family housekeeping money every week without anyhow saying to their wives: 'Here, take my blood; take my life. What do you want from me, _anyway_?'"

"Maybe they do and maybe they don't mean nothing by it, Abe," Morris said, "but it would be a whole lot easier for this here Carter J. Gla.s.s if everybody would act as his own Victory Bond salesman and try to sell himself just one more bond than he has really got any business buying, y'understand."

"It would be a whole lot easier for this here Carter J. Gla.s.s, Mawruss, but it would be practically impossible for pretty nearly everybody else," Abe remarked, "which human nature is so const.i.tuted, Mawruss, that the only time a man really and truly uses some high-cla.s.s, silver-tongued salesmanship on himself is when he is trying to persuade himself that it is all right for him to do something which he knows in his heart it is dead wrong for him to do."

"Well, at least, Abe, in this here Victory Loan Campaign, every man should ought to try to put himself in the place of the salesman which is trying to sell him some of these Victory Bonds," Morris continued, "so we would say, for example, that you would be a Victory Bond salesman, Abe, and you are calling on a feller which he is a pretty tough proposition in such matters by the name of, we would say, for instance, Abe Potash."

"Why don't you make the feller which the salesman is supposed to call on a really and truly hard-boiled egg, by the name, we would say, for instance, Mawruss Perlmutter?" Abe asked. "Which when you put up to me a hypocritical case, Mawruss, why is it you must always start in by getting insulted already?"

"What do you mean getting insulted?" Morris asked. "I am only putting something up to you for the sake of argument not arguments."

"Well, then, why not be perfectly neuter and call the tough proposition which the Victory Bond salesman is visiting, somebody by the name of a compet.i.tor like Leon Sammet, for instance?" Abe suggested.

"Because I am trying to make you put yourself in the place of the Victory Bond salesman who is trying to sell you bonds," Morris declared.

"Put your _own_ self in the place of the Victory Bond salesman," Abe exclaimed, "which if you want to give me any hypocritical cases for the sake of argument, Mawruss, I have seen the way you practically snap the head off a collector for a charitable fund enough times to appreciate how you would behave towards a Victory Bond salesman, so go ahead on the basis that you are the tough proposition and not me."

"A charitable fund is one thing and this here Victory Loan another,"

Morris said.

"I know it is," Abe agreed, "but at the same time, Mawruss, a whole lot of people feels that if ever they give a couple dollars to an orphan-asylum, they practically got vaccinated against future attacks of the same complaint, and if three years later the collector for the orphan-asylum calls on them again they say: 'Why, I already gave you two dollars for that orphan-asylum! What did you done with it all?' And I bet yer that just as many people considered that the fifty-dollar bond which they bought during the First Liberty Loan Campaign should ought to have set up such a strong antiseptic in their system that they would be immune to all other Liberty Bond Campaigns, no matter if such campaigns would continue until there was, G.o.d forbid! a Fiftieth Liberty Loan already."

"Some people never even got, so to speak, jabbed the first time," Morris observed, "and the way they avoid Liberty Bond salesmen, Abe, you would think that such a salesman was a sort of Liberty Bond Typhoid Mary and would infect them tightwads with a disease where they were liable to break out all over with coupons or something."