Poetical Works by Charles Churchill Part 21

But if, a matter of much doubt, The present minister goes out, Fain would I know on what pretext I can stand fairly with the next?

For as my aim, at every hour, Is to be well with those in power, 1290 And my material point of view, Whoever's in, to be in too, I should not, like a blockhead, choose To gain these, so as those to lose: 'Tis good in every case, you know, To have two strings unto our bow.'

As one in wonder lost, c.r.a.pe view'd His lord, who thus his speech pursued: 'This, my good c.r.a.pe, is my grand point; And as the times are out of joint, 1300 The greater caution is required To bring about the point desired.

What I would wish to bring about Cannot admit a moment's doubt; The matter in dispute, you know, Is what we call the _Quomodo_.

That be thy task.'--The reverend slave, Becoming in a moment grave, Fix'd to the ground and rooted stood, Just like a man cut out out of wood, 1310 Such as we see (without the least Reflection glancing on the priest) One or more, planted up and down, Almost in every church in town; He stood some minutes, then, like one Who wish'd the matter might be done, But could not do it, shook his head, And thus the man of sorrow said: 'Hard is this task, too hard I swear, By much too hard for me to bear; 1320 Beyond expression hard my part, Could mighty Dulman see my heart, When he, alas! makes known a will Which c.r.a.pe's not able to fulfil.

Was ever my obedience barr'd By any trifling nice regard To sense and honour? Could I reach Thy meaning without help of speech, At the first motion of thy eye Did not thy faithful creature fly? 1330 Have I not said, not what I ought, But what my earthly master taught?

Did I e'er weigh, through duty strong, In thy great biddings, right and wrong?

Did ever Interest, to whom thou Canst not with more devotion bow, Warp my sound faith, or will of mine In contradiction run to thine?

Have I not, at thy table placed, When business call'd aloud for haste, 1340 Torn myself thence, yet never heard To utter one complaining word, And had, till thy great work was done, All appet.i.tes, as having none?

Hard is it, this great plan pursued Of voluntary servitude; Pursued without or shame, or fear, Through the great circle of the year, Now to receive, in this grand hour, Commands which lie beyond my power, 1350 Commands which baffle all my skill, And leave me nothing but my will: Be that accepted; let my lord Indulgence to his slave afford: This task, for my poor strength unfit, Will yield to none but Dulman's wit.'

With such gross incense gratified, And turning up the lip of pride, 'Poor c.r.a.pe'--and shook his empty head-- 'Poor puzzled c.r.a.pe!' wise Dulman said, 1360 'Of judgment weak, of sense confined, For things of lower note design'd; For things within the vulgar reach, To run of errands, and to preach; Well hast thou judged, that heads like mine Cannot want help from heads like thine; Well hast thou judged thyself unmeet Of such high argument to treat; Twas but to try thee that I spoke, And all I said was but a joke. 1370 Nor think a joke, c.r.a.pe, a disgrace, Or to my person, or my place; The wisest of the sons of men Have deign'd to use them now and then.

The only caution, do you see, Demanded by our dignity, From common use and men exempt, Is that they may not breed contempt.

Great use they have, when in the hands Of one like me, who understands, 1380 Who understands the time and place, The person, manner, and the grace, Which fools neglect; so that we find, If all the requisites are join'd, From whence a perfect joke must spring, A joke's a very serious thing.

But to our business--my design, Which gave so rough a shock to thine, To my capacity is made As ready as a fraud in trade; 1390 Which, like broad-cloth, I can, with ease, Cut out in any shape I please.

Some, in my circ.u.mstance, some few, Aye, and those men of genius too, Good men, who, without love or hate, Whether they early rise or late, With names uncrack'd, and credit sound, Rise worth a hundred thousand pound, By threadbare ways and means would try To bear their point--so will not I. 1400 New methods shall my wisdom find To suit these matters to my mind; So that the infidels at court, Who make our city wits their sport, Shall hail the honours of my reign, And own that Dulman bears a brain.

Some, in my place, to gain their ends, Would give relations up, and friends; Would lend a wife, who, they might swear Safely, was none the worse for wear; 1410 Would see a daughter, yet a maid, Into a statesman's arms betray'd; Nay, should the girl prove coy, nor know What daughters to a father owe, Sooner than schemes so n.o.bly plann'd Should fail, themselves would lend a hand; Would vote on one side, whilst a brother, Properly taught, would vote on t'other; Would every petty band forget; To public eye be with one set, 1420 In private with a second herd, And be by proxy with a third; Would, (like a queen,[268] of whom I read, The other day--her name is fled-- In a book,--where, together bound, 'Whittington and his Cat' I found-- A tale most true, and free from art, Which all Lord Mayors should have by heart; A queen oh!--might those days begin Afresh, when queens would learn to spin-- 1430 Who wrought, and wrought, but for some plot, The cause of which I've now forgot, During the absence of the sun Undid what she by day had done) Whilst they a double visage wear, What's sworn by day, by night unswear.

Such be their arts, and such, perchance, May happily their ends advance; Prom a new system mine shall spring, A _loc.u.m tenens_ is the thing. 1440 That's your true plan. To obligate The present ministers of state, My shadow shall our court approach, And bear my power, and have my coach; My fine state-coach, superb to view, A fine state-coach, and paid for too.

To curry favour, and the grace Obtain of those who're out of place; In the mean time I--that's to say, I proper, I myself--here stay. 1450 But hold--perhaps unto the nation, Who hate the Scot's administration, To lend my coach may seem to be Declaring for the ministry, For where the city-coach is, there Is the true essence of the Mayor: Therefore (for wise men are intent Evils at distance to prevent, Whilst fools the evils first endure, And then are plagued to seek a cure) 1460 No coach--a horse--and free from fear, To make our Deputy appear, Fast on his back shall he be tied, With two grooms marching by his side; Then for a horse--through all the land, To head our solemn city-band, Can any one so fit be found As he who in Artillery-ground, Without a rider, (n.o.ble sight!) Led on our bravest troops to fight? 1470 But first, c.r.a.pe, for my honour's sake-- A tender point--inquiry make About that horse, if the dispute Is ended, or is still in suit: For whilst a cause, (observe this plan Of justice) whether horse or man The parties be, remains in doubt, Till 'tis determined out and out, That power must tyranny appear Which should, prejudging, interfere, 1480 And weak, faint judges overawe, To bias the free course of law.

You have my will--now quickly run, And take care that my will be done.

In public, c.r.a.pe, you must appear, Whilst I in privacy sit here; Here shall great Dulman sit alone, Making this elbow-chair my throne, And you, performing what I bid, Do all, as if I nothing did.' 1490 c.r.a.pe heard, and speeded on his way; With him to hear was to obey; Not without trouble, be a.s.sured, A proper proxy was procured To serve such infamous intent, And such a lord to represent; Nor could one have been found at all On t'other side of London Wall.

The trumpet sounds--solemn and slow Behold the grand procession go, 1500 All moving on, cat after kind, As if for motion ne'er design'd.

Constables, whom the laws admit To keep the peace by breaking it; Beadles, who hold the second place By virtue of a silver mace, Which every Sat.u.r.day is drawn, For use of Sunday, out of p.a.w.n; Treasurers, who with empty key Secure an empty treasury; 1510 Churchwardens, who their course pursue In the same state, as to their pew Churchwardens of St Margaret's go, Since Peirson taught them pride and show, Who in short transient pomp appear, Like almanacs changed every year; Behind whom, with unbroken locks, Charity carries the poor's box, Not knowing that with private keys They ope and shut it when they please: 1520 Overseers, who by frauds ensure The heavy curses of the poor; Unclean came flocking, bulls and bears, Like beasts into the ark, by pairs.

Portentous, flaming in the van, Stalk'd the professor, Sheridan, A man of wire, a mere pantine, A downright animal machine; He knows alone, in proper mode, How to take vengeance on an ode, 1530 And how to butcher Ammon's son And poor Jack Dryden both in one: On all occasions next the chair He stands, for service of the Mayor, And to instruct him how to use His A's and B's, and P's and Q's: O'er letters, into tatters worn, O'er syllables, defaced and torn, O'er words disjointed, and o'er sense, Left dest.i.tute of all defence, 1540 He strides, and all the way he goes Wades, deep in blood, o'er Criss-cross-rows: Before him every consonant In agonies is seen to pant; Behind, in forms not to be known, The ghosts of tortured vowels groan.

Next Hart and Duke, well worthy grace And city favour, came in place; No children can their toils engage, Their toils are turn'd to reverend age; 1550 When a court dame, to grace his brows Resolved, is wed to city-spouse, Their aid with madam's aid must join, The awkward dotard to refine, And teach, whence truest glory flows, Grave sixty to turn out his toes.

Each bore in hand a kit; and each To show how fit he was to teach A cit, an alderman, a mayor, Led in a string a dancing bear. 1560 Since the revival of Fingal, Custom, and custom's all in all, Commands that we should have regard, On all high seasons, to the bard.

Great acts like these, by vulgar tongue Profaned, should not be said, but sung.

This place to fill, renown'd in fame, The high and mighty Lockman[269] came, And, ne'er forgot in Dulman's reign, With proper order to maintain 1570 The uniformity of pride, Brought Brother Whitehead by his side.

On horse, who proudly paw'd the ground, And cast his fiery eyeb.a.l.l.s round, Snorting, and champing the rude bit, As if, for warlike purpose fit, His high and generous blood disdain'd, To be for sports and pastimes rein'd, Great Dymock, in his glorious station, Paraded at the coronation. 1580 Not so our city Dymock came, Heavy, dispirited, and tame; No mark of sense, his eyes half-closed, He on a mighty dray-horse dozed: Fate never could a horse provide So fit for such a man to ride, Nor find a man with strictest care, So fit for such a horse to bear.

Hung round with instruments of death, The sight of him would stop the breath 1590 Of braggart Cowardice, and make The very court Drawcansir[270] quake; With dirks, which, in the hands of Spite, Do their d.a.m.n'd business in the night, From Scotland sent, but here display'd Only to fill up the parade; With swords, unflesh'd, of maiden hue, Which rage or valour never drew; With blunderbusses, taught to ride Like pocket-pistols, by his side, 1600 In girdle stuck, he seem'd to be A little moving armoury.

One thing much wanting to complete The sight, and make a perfect treat, Was, that the horse, (a courtesy In horses found of high degree) Instead of going forward on, All the way backward should have gone.

Horses, unless they breeding lack, Some scruple make to turn their back, 1610 Though riders, which plain truth declares, No scruple make of turning theirs.

Far, far apart from all the rest, Fit only for a standing jest, The independent, (can you get A better suited epithet?) The independent Amyand came,[271]

All burning with the sacred flame Of Liberty, which well he knows On the great stock of Slavery grows; 1620 Like sparrow, who, deprived of mate, s.n.a.t.c.h'd by the cruel hand of Fate, From spray to spray no more will hop, But sits alone on the house-top; Or like himself, when all alone At Croydon he was heard to groan, Lifting both hands in the defence Of interest, and common sense; Both hands, for as no other man Adopted and pursued his plan, 1630 The left hand had been lonesome quite, If he had not held up the right; Apart he came, and fix'd his eyes With rapture on a distant prize, On which, in letters worthy note, There 'twenty thousand pounds' was wrote.

False trap, for credit sapp'd is found By getting twenty thousand pound: Nay, look not thus on me, and stare, Doubting the certainty--to swear 1640 In such a case I should be loth-- But Perry Cust[272] may take his oath.

In plain and decent garb array'd, With the prim Quaker, Fraud, came Trade; Connivance, to improve the plan, Habited like a juryman, Judging as interest prevails, Came next, with measures, weights, and scales; Extortion next, of h.e.l.lish race A cub most d.a.m.n'd, to show his face 1650 Forbid by fear, but not by shame, Turn'd to a Jew, like Gideon[273] came; Corruption, Midas-like, behold Turning whate'er she touch'd to gold; Impotence, led by l.u.s.t, and Pride, Strutting with Ponton[274] by her side; Hypocrisy, demure and sad, In garments of the priesthood clad, So well disguised, that you might swear, Deceived, a very priest was there; 1660 Bankruptcy, full of ease and health, And wallowing in well-saved wealth, Came sneering through a ruin'd band, And bringing B---- in her hand; Victory, hanging down her head, Was by a Highland stallion led; Peace, clothed in sables, with a face Which witness'd sense of huge disgrace, Which spake a deep and rooted shame Both of herself and of her name, 1670 Mourning creeps on, and, blushing, feels War, grim War, treading on her heels; Pale Credit, shaken by the arts Of men with bad heads and worse hearts, Taking no notice of a band Which near her were ordain'd to stand, Well-nigh destroyed by sickly fit, Look'd wistful all around for Pitt; Freedom--at that most hallow'd name My spirits mount into a flame, 1680 Each pulse beats high, and each nerve strains, Even to the cracking; through my veins The tides of life more rapid run, And tell me I am Freedom's son-- Freedom came next, but scarce was seen, When the sky, which appear'd serene And gay before, was overcast; Horror bestrode a foreign blast, And from the prison of the North, To Freedom deadly, storms burst forth. 1690 A car like those, in which, we're told, Our wild forefathers warr'd of old, Loaded with death, six horses bear Through the blank region of the air.

Too fierce for time or art to tame, They pour'd forth mingled smoke and flame From their wide nostrils; every steed Was of that ancient savage breed Which fell Geryon nursed; their food The flesh of man, their drink his blood. 1700 On the first horses, ill-match'd pair, This fat and sleek, that lean and bare, Came ill-match'd riders side by side, And Poverty was yoked with Pride; Union most strange it must appear, Till other unions make it clear.

Next, in the gall of bitterness, With rage which words can ill express, With unforgiving rage, which springs From a false zeal for holy things, 1710 Wearing such robes as prophets wear, False prophets placed in Peter's chair, On which, in characters of fire, Shapes antic, horrible, and dire Inwoven flamed, where, to the view, In groups appear'd a rabble crew Of sainted devils; where, all round, Vile relics of vile men were found, Who, worse than devils, from the birth Perform'd the work of h.e.l.l on earth, 1720 Jugglers, Inquisitors, and Popes, Pointing at axes, wheels, and ropes, And engines, framed on horrid plan, Which none but the destroyer, Man, Could, to promote his selfish views, Have head to make or heart to use, Bearing, to consecrate her tricks, In her left hand a crucifix, 'Remembrance of our dying Lord,'

And in her right a two-edged sword, 1730 Having her brows, in impious sport, Adorn'd with words of high import, 'On earth peace, amongst men good will, Love bearing and forbearing still,'

All wrote in the hearts' blood of those Who rather death than falsehood chose: On her breast, (where, in days of yore, When G.o.d loved Jews, the High Priest wore Those oracles which were decreed To instruct and guide the chosen seed) 1740 Having with glory clad and strength, The Virgin pictured at full length, Whilst at her feet, in small pourtray'd, As scarce worth notice, Christ was laid,-- Came Superst.i.tion, fierce and fell, An imp detested, e'en in h.e.l.l; Her eye inflamed, her face all o'er Foully besmear'd with human gore, O'er heaps of mangled saints she rode; Fast at her heels Death proudly strode, 1750 And grimly smiled, well pleased to see Such havoc of mortality; Close by her side, on mischief bent, And urging on each bad intent To its full bearing, savage, wild, The mother fit of such a child, Striving the empire to advance Of Sin and Death, came Ignorance.

With looks, where dread command was placed, And sovereign power by pride disgraced, 1760 Where, loudly witnessing a mind Of savage, more than human kind, Not choosing to be loved, but fear'd, Mocking at right, Misrule appear'd.

With eyeb.a.l.l.s glaring fiery red, Enough to strike beholders dead, Gnashing his teeth, and in a flood Pouring corruption forth and blood From his chafed jaws; without remorse Whipping and spurring on his horse, 1770 Whose sides, in their own blood embay'd, E'en to the bone were open laid, Came Tyranny, disdaining awe, And trampling over Sense and Law; One thing, and only one, he knew, One object only would pursue; Though less (so low doth pa.s.sion bring) Than man, he would be more than king.

With every argument and art Which might corrupt the head and heart, 1780 Soothing the frenzy of his mind, Companion meet, was Flattery join'd; Winning his carriage, every look Employed, whilst it conceal'd a hook; When simple most, most to be fear'd; Most crafty, when no craft appear'd; His tales, no man like him could tell; His words, which melted as they fell, Might even a hypocrite deceive, And make an infidel believe, 1790 Wantonly cheating o'er and o'er Those who had cheated been before:-- Such Flattery came, in evil hour, Poisoning the royal ear of Power, And, grown by prost.i.tution great, Would be first minister of state.

Within the chariot, all alone, High seated on a kind of throne, With pebbles graced, a figure came, Whom Justice would, but dare not name. 1800 Hard times when Justice, without fear, Dare not bring forth to public ear The names of those who dare offend 'Gainst Justice, and pervert her end!

But, if the Muse afford me grace, Description shall supply the place.

In foreign garments he was clad; Sage ermine o'er the glossy plaid Cast reverend honour; on his heart, Wrought by the curious hand of Art, 1810 In silver wrought, and brighter far Than heavenly or than earthly star, Shone a White Rose, the emblem dear Of him he ever must revere; Of that dread lord, who, with his host Of faithful native rebels lost, Like those black spirits doom'd to h.e.l.l, At once from power and virtue fell: Around his clouded brows was placed A bonnet, most superbly graced 1820 With mighty thistles, nor forgot The sacred motto--'Touch me not.'

In the right hand a sword he bore Harder than adamant, and more Fatal than winds, which from the mouth Of the rough North invade the South; The reeking blade to view presents The blood of helpless innocents, And on the hilt, as meek become As lamb before the shearers dumb, 1830 With downcast eye, and solemn show Of deep, unutterable woe, Mourning the time when Freedom reign'd, Fast to a rock was Justice chain'd.

In his left hand, in wax impress'd, With bells and gewgaws idly dress'd, An image, cast in baby mould, He held, and seem'd o'erjoy'd to hold On this he fix'd his eyes; to this, Bowing, he gave the loyal kiss, 1840 And, for rebellion fully ripe, Seem'd to desire the ant.i.type.

What if to that Pretender's foes His greatness, nay, his life, he owes; Shall common obligations bind, And shake his constancy of mind?

Scorning such weak and petty chains, Faithful to James[275] he still remains, Though he the friend of George appear: Dissimulation's virtue here. 1850 Jealous and mean, he with a frown Would awe, and keep all merit down, Nor would to Truth and Justice bend, Unless out-bullied by his friend: Brave with the coward, with the brave He is himself a coward slave: Awed by his fears, he has no heart To take a great and open part: Mines in a subtle train he springs, And, secret, saps the ears of kings; 1860 But not e'en there continues firm 'Gainst the resistance of a worm: Born in a country, where the will Of one is law to all, he still Retain'd the infection, with full aim To spread it wheresoe'er he came; Freedom he hated, Law defied, The prost.i.tute of Power and Pride; Law he with ease explains away, And leads bewilder'd Sense astray; 1870 Much to the credit of his brain, Puzzles the cause he can't maintain; Proceeds on most familiar grounds, And where he can't convince, confounds; Talents of rarest stamp and size, To Nature false, he misapplies, And turns to poison what was sent For purposes of nourishment.

Paleness, not such as on his wings The messenger of Sickness brings, 1880 But such as takes its coward rise From conscious baseness, conscious vice, O'erspread his cheeks; Disdain and Pride, To upstart fortunes ever tied, Scowl'd on his brow; within his eye, Insidious, lurking like a spy, To Caution principled by Fear, Not daring open to appear, Lodged covert Mischief; Pa.s.sion hung On his lip quivering; on his tongue 1890 Fraud dwelt at large; within his breast All that makes villain found a nest; All that, on h.e.l.l's completest plan, E'er join'd to d.a.m.n the heart of man.

Soon as the car reach'd land, he rose, And, with a look which might have froze The heart's best blood, which was enough Had hearts been made of sterner stuff In cities than elsewhere, to make The very stoutest quail and quake, 1900 He cast his baleful eyes around: Fix'd without motion to the ground, Fear waiting on Surprise, all stood, And horror chill'd their curdled blood; No more they thought of pomp, no more (For they had seen his face before) Of law they thought; the cause forgot, Whether it was or ghost, or plot, Which drew them there: they all stood more Like statues than they were before. 1910 What could be done? Could Art, could Force.

Or both, direct a proper course To make this savage monster tame, Or send him back the way he came?

What neither art, nor force, nor both, Could do, a Lord of foreign growth, A Lord to that base wretch allied In country, not in vice and pride, Effected; from the self-same land, (Bad news for our blaspheming band 1920 Of scribblers, but deserving note) The poison came and antidote.

Abash'd, the monster hung his head, And like an empty vision fled; His train, like virgin snows, which run, Kiss'd by the burning bawdy sun, To love-sick streams, dissolved in air; Joy, who from absence seem'd more fair, Came smiling, freed from slavish Awe; Loyalty, Liberty, and Law, 1930 Impatient of the galling chain, And yoke of Power, resumed their reign; And, burning with the glorious flame Of public virtue, Mansfield came.

Footnotes:

[189] 'The Ghost:' the famous c.o.c.k-lane Ghost, a conspiracy of certain parties in London against one Kent, whose paramour had died, and whose ghost was said to have returned to accuse him of having murdered her. A little girl named Frazer, who appears to have had ventriloquial powers, was the princ.i.p.al cause of the noises, scratchings, &c., thought to be supernatural.

[190] 'Bampfield Carew:' Bampfylde Moore Carew, the famous king of the gypsies. His life used to be a favourite with schoolboys.

[191] 'Moll Squires:' Mary Squires, a gypsy, and one of Carew's subjects.

[192] 'College:' that of the fifteen Augurs in Rome.

[193] 'Campbell:' a deaf and dumb fortune-teller.

[194] 'Butcher-row:' an old street in London, now removed.

[195] 'Drugger:' Abel Drugger, in Jonson's 'Alchymist.

[196] 'Stuarts:' James the Second's dastardly conduct at the battle of the Boyne.

[197] 'Sackvilles:' Lord George Sackville, accused of cowardice at the battle of Minden, afterwards degraded by a court martial, but ultimately raised to promotion as a Peer and Secretary of State.

[198] 'Faden and Say:' two anti-Wilkite editors.

[199] 'Baker:' Sir Richard Baker, the famous chronicler.

[200] 'Tofts:' Mary Tofts of G.o.dalming, who first dreamed of, and was at last brought to bed of, rabbits! She confessed afterwards that it was a fraud.

[201] 'Betty Canning:' a woman who pretended, in 1753, that she had been confined in a garret by a gypsy woman, for twenty-seven days, with scarcely any food, but turned out to be an impostor.

[202] 'Fisher's:' Catherine Fisher, better known by the name of Kitty Fisher, a courtezan of great beauty.

[203] 'Lennox:' Mrs Arabella Lennox, the author of some pleasing novels, and a friend of Dr Johnson's. See Boswell and Hawkins.

[204] 'Lauder's;' William Lauder, the notorious forger and interpolator of Milton, detected by Dr Douglas, Bishop of Salisbury.

[205] 'Polypheme:' Johnson, who at first took Lauder's side. See Boswell.

[206] 'f.a.n.n.y:' the supposed ghost.

[207] 'Pride's command:' The Countess-d.u.c.h.ess of Northumberland was celebrated for the splendour of her parties.

[208] 'Nine knocks:' a curious antic.i.p.ation of modern spirit-rappings!

[209] 'Immane Pomposo:' Dr Johnson; 'humane,' referring to Virgil's _'Monstrum horrendum immane_;' and ridiculing Dr J.'s Latinisms.