Plays of Near & Far Part 20

SPLURGE: O, only country people, sir. I suppose they didn't know any better.

SLADDER: Well, where do people grow vegetables, then?

SPLURGE: I asked the cook that, sir, and he said they don't grow them, they buy them.

SLADDER: O, all right, then. Let him buy them, then. We must do the right thing.

[_The hall-door bell rings._

SLADDER: Hullo! Who's ringing my bell?

SPLURGE: That was the hall-door, wasn't it, sir?

SLADDER: Yes. What are they ringing it for?

[_Enter_ BUTLER.

BUTLER: Mr. Hippanthigh has called to see you, sir.

SLADDER: Called to see me! What about?

BUTLER: He didn't inform me, sir.

SLADDER: I say, Splurge, have I got to see him?

SPLURGE: I think so, sir. I think they call on one another like that in the country.

SLADDER: Good lord, whatever for? (_To_ BUTLER.) O, yes. I'll see him, I'll see him.

BUTLER: Very good, sir, I'll inform him so, sir.

[_Exit._

SLADDER: I say, Splurge, I suppose I've got to have a butler, and all that, eh?

SPLURGE: O, yes, sir. One at least. It's quite necessary.

SLADDER: You--you couldn't have bought me a cheerfuller one now, could you?

SPLURGE: I'm afraid not, sir. If you were to take all this too lightheartedly, the other landowners would hardly like it, you know.

SLADDER: O, well! O, well! What kind of man is this Hippanthigh that's coming?

SPLURGE: He's the man that quarrels with the bishop, sir.

SLADDER: O, the curate. O, yes. I've heard about him. He's been here before, I think. Lawn tennis.

[_Enter_ BUTLER.

BUTLER: Mr. Hippanthigh, sir.

[_Enter_ HIPPANTHIGH. _Exit_ BUTLER.

SLADDER: How do you do, Mr. Hippanthigh? How do you do? Pleased to see you.

HIPPANTHIGH: I wished to speak with you, Mr. Sladder, if you will permit me.

SLADDER: Certainly, Mr. Hippanthigh, certainly. Take a chair.

HIPPANTHIGH: Thank you, sir. I think I would sooner stand.

SLADDER: Please yourself. Please yourself.

HIPPANTHIGH: I wished to speak with you alone, sir.

SLADDER: Alone, eh? Alone? (_Aside to_ SPLURGE.) It's usual, eh? (_To_ HIPPANTHIGH.) Alone, of course, yes. You've come to call, haven't you.

(_Exit_ SPLURGE.) Can I offer you--er, er--calling's not much in my line, you know--but what I mean is--will you have a bottle of champagne?

HIPPANTHIGH: Mr. Sladder, I've come to speak with you because I believe it to be my duty to do so. I have hesitated to come, but when for particular reasons it became most painful to me to do so, then I knew that it was my clear duty, and I have come.

SLADDER: O, yes, what they call a duty call. O, yes, quite so. Yes, exactly.

HIPPANTHIGH: Mr. Sladder, many of my parishioners are acquainted with the thing that you sell as bread. (_From the moment of_ HIPPANTHIGH'S _entry till now_ SLADDER, _over-cheerful and anxious, has been struggling to do and say the right thing through all the complications of a visit; but now that the note of Business has been sounded he suddenly knows where he is and becomes alert and stern, and all there._)

SLADDER: What? Virilo?

HIPPANTHIGH: Yes. They pay more for it than they pay for bread, because they've been taught somehow, poor fools, that "they must have the best."

They've been made to believe that it makes them, what they call virile, poor fools, and they're growing ill on it. Not so ill that I can prove anything, and the doctor daren't help me.

SLADDER: Are you aware, Mr. Hippanthigh, that if you said in public what you're saying to me, you would go to prison for it, unless you can run to the very heavy fine--damages would be enormous.

HIPPANTHIGH: I know that, Mr. Sladder, and so I have come to you as the last hope for my people.

SLADDER: Are you aware, Mr. Hippanthigh, that you are making an attack upon business? I don't say that business is as pure as a surplice. But I do say that in business it is--as you may not understand--get on or go under; and without my business, or the business of the next man, who is doing his best to beat me, what would happen to trade? I don't know what's going to happen to England if you get rid of her trade, Mr.

Hippanthigh.... Well?... When we're broke because we've been doing business with surplices on, what are the other countries going to do, Mr. Hippanthigh? Can you answer me that?

HIPPANTHIGH: No, Mr. Sladder.

SLADDER: Ah! So I've got the best of you?

HIPPANTHIGH: Yes, Mr. Sladder. I'm not so clever as you.

SLADDER: Glad you admit the point. As for cleverness it isn't that I've so much of that, but I use what I've got. Well, have you anything more to say?

HIPPANTHIGH: Only to appeal to you, Mr. Sladder, on behalf of these poor people.

SLADDER: Why. But you admitted one must have business, and that it can't be run like a tea-party. What more do you want?