Plays of Near & Far Part 19

SPLURGE: No, sir.

SLADDER: O, yes, there are. Lots of them. But they're d.a.m.ned fools. And why? 'Cause they don't use their brains. They mess about learning Greek.

Greek! Can you believe it? What good does Greek ever do them?... But the money's not made yet, Splurge.

SPLURGE: I'm having it well advertised, sir.

SLADDER: Not so fast. What if they won't eat it?

SPLURGE: O, they'll eat it all right when it's advertised, sir. They eat everything that's advertised.

SLADDER: What if they can't eat it, Splurge?

SPLURGE: Can't, sir?

SLADDER: Send for my daughter.

SPLURGE: Yes, sir. (_He rises and goes to the door._)

SLADDER: The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of some d.a.m.ned place. A million of money will be won or lost in this house in five minutes.

SPLURGE: In this house, sir?

SLADDER: Yes, in Ermyntrude's sitting-room. Send for her.

SPLURGE: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Miss Sladder! Miss Sladder!

ERMYNTRUDE (_off_): Yes, Mr. Splurge.

SPLURGE: Would you come to the study, miss, Mr. Sladder wants to speak to you.

ERMYNTRUDE: O, yes, Mr. Splurge.

SLADDER: The test! The test!

[_Re-enter_ SPLURGE.

SPLURGE: Miss Sladder is coming, sir.

SLADDER: The test!

[_Enter_ ERMYNTRUDE.

ERMYNTRUDE: What is it, father?

SLADDER: How are your white mice, child?

ERMYNTRUDE: Quite well, father, both of them.

Sladder (_draws a box from his pocket, takes out a little bit of cheese_): Give them that, Ermyntrude.

ERMYNTRUDE: That, father. What is it?

SLADDER: Cheese.

ERMYNTRUDE: May I have a bit?

SLADDER: No, don't touch it!

ERMYNTRUDE: Very well, father.

SLADDER: If they eat it, you shall have----

ERMYNTRUDE: What, father?

SLADDER: Anything, everything. Only go and give them the cheese.

ERMYNTRUDE: All right, father.

[_She moves to the door R., she looks round, then goes out by the French window instead._

SLADDER: Why are you going that way, child?

ERMYNTRUDE: O--er--I thought it would be nice to go round over the lawn, father. I can get in by the drawing-room.

SLADDER: O, very well. Be quick, dear.

ERMYNTRUDE: All right, father.

[_The magnet that has attracted_ ERMYNTRUDE _to the lawn now appears in the form of_ MR. HIPPANTHIGH, _pa.s.sing the window on his way to the hall-door._ SLADDER _and_ SPLURGE _do not see him, having their backs to the window._ ERMYNTRUDE _looks round now and then to be sure of this.

They hold hands longer than is laid down as necessary in books upon etiquette under the head of visiting. She gives him a look of glad and hopeful interrogation but he shakes his head solemnly, and pa.s.ses gravely on, as one whose errand is no cheerful duty. She looks after him, then goes her way._

SLADDER: Well, Splurge, we can only wait. (_With emphasis._) If these mice eat it----

SPLURGE: Yes, sir?

SLADDER: The public will eat it.

SPLURGE: Ah!

SLADDER: Any other business to-day?

SPLURGE: O, only the cook, sir. He's complaining about the vegetables, sir. He says he's never been anywhere before where they didn't buy them.

We get them out of the kitchen garden here, and it seems he doesn't understand it. Says he won't serve a greengrocer, sir.

SLADDER: A kitchen garden is the wrong thing, is it?

SPLURGE: He says so, sir.

SLADDER: But there was one here when we came.