Playing For Keeps Part 7

If she could have uprooted her legs, she would have left the room. She didn't want to hear it as Jake explained that moms in their first trimester didn't want to be exposed to the disease if they hadn't had it. Didn't want to hear the possible risks, although she already knew them.

Possible risks-like the baby dying. Tears burned her eyes and she collapsed onto a chair as her legs gave out from under her.

Possible risks-knowing them and facing them...two totally different things. With a hand that shook, she touched her belly, thought of the small life there.

G.o.d, please...

She was cold, icy cold. Distantly, she heard the quiet sound of the phone being placed in the cradle and then footsteps. Jake crouched in front of her and covered her chilled hands with his. "Are you okay?"

She blinked back the tears and tried to force a smile, but she couldn't. "No. I'm not...but what can I do? All we can do is see what happens, right?"

She could have attributed the headache to worry and a seriously s.h.i.tty night. Tossing and turning for hours on end would give anybody a headache. But it wasn't a headache that had her shivering in the bed the following morning. It wasn't a headache that her cuddling up against Jake and desperately trying to warm herself as the fever built inside her.

He rolled onto his side without speaking and slid an arm under her, easing her body against his. She forced her lashes to lift, made herself stare at him. He stroked his fingers across her brow and his mouth tightened. Once more, tears started to burn in her eyes and she had to bite back a sob as he cupped her cheek in his hand. "You're running a fever," he said softly.

"I know."

She pressed her heated brow against his chest and started to cry.

Jake didn't offer any false comforts, no promises of maybe it's nothing. Everything will be all right. He just held her until she was done crying and then, he climbed out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. He returned with a thermometer and a bottle of Tylenol. They didn't say anything until after the thermometer beeped and she took it out of her mouth, stared at the read out for a long moment and then pa.s.sed it over to Jake.

101.8. Blowing out a shaky sigh, she took a couple of Tylenol, washing them down with the bottle of water she kept by her bed. "You know that Why me feeling?"

"Yeah." He tossed the thermometer on the bed beside his table and settled back into bed beside her. "I'm having a major Why us feeling right now."

A reluctant smile tugged at her lips. "Yeah. It's not me. Us. Why us, Jake?"

He brushed her hair back and whispered, "Don't think about it right now, Dana. It won't help."

"How can I not think about it?"

"By thinking about what you know-nothing's written in stone." A muscle jerked in his jaw and he reached down, laid a hand on her belly. "You and me both know that a risk is just that-a risk." He paused for a minute, stroking her belly with slow, gentle circles. "You want to call Castillo?"

She shrugged. One of her bosses, Joe Castillo, had come into the break room just a few minutes after Jake had finished talking to her mom, and she'd sat there, in icy, scared silence, while Jake filled Joe in, explained about Daisy. They'd done an ultrasound but what should have been a moment of utter bliss had been marred by fear.

Jake had sat beside her while Joe told her she could call any time she needed, then he'd patted her on the shoulder and sent her on home. Jake had taken the time to drive her home, but he hadn't been able to stay so she had spent most of the afternoon on the couch and trying not to think.

Not thinking wasn't working as well, now. Not with the fever, headache and body aches that were just now making themselves known. "No reason to call him..." Her voice trailed off and she blew out a breath. "s.h.i.t. Yeah, there is. I wasn't showing any symptoms until just now, but still, just to be safe we need to let them know."

"That wasn't why I was asking," Jake said quietly.

Dana shook her head. "I know. But still-I have to think about it." She squinted, tried to think back over the patients she'd seen since Tuesday. Daisy had been in most of the afternoon and Dana's schedule had been pretty much bare, so she had ended up taking care of the girl and keeping her occupied. For several hours. Right when the poor kid had been in the contagious stage of the virus.

Wednesdays were her off day.

Thursday, she'd spent the morning going back and forth between a delivery and her own patients, and fortunately, the only mom in the first trimester had cancelled her appointment. The new baby should be okay-most likely protected by mom's immune system. All but a few people ended up contracting Fifth's Disease as a child, hopefully this mother would be one of them.

Still, they'd notify the baby's pediatrician. Friday, she'd seen five patients in the morning-three in their second trimester, one in the third-well into the safe zone. The fifth patient had been a mom who'd miscarried two weeks earlier.

In a weird enough way, things had gone well on that front.

Just not for her.

Blowing out a ragged breath, she said, "None of my patients should have anything to worry about-that's good news, right?"

Jake wrapped his arms around her, easing her head down until it rested on his shoulder. "You want me to do anything?"

"Just hold me, okay?"

There was nothing he could do to ease the fear and pain swamping her-but with his arms around her, she knew she wasn't dealing with it alone.

The rash was all over her when she woke up before dawn Monday morning. She'd woken with the urgent need to pee. After tending to that, she paused at the sink to wash her hands and a weird sensation along her arms had made her turn on the bathroom light.

Tears rolled down her cheeks in silence as she stared at her arms, stared at the lacy look of the rash and gulped, tried to breathe past the knot forming in her throat. Shuffling to the door, she leaned against the door jam, staring at Jake's sleeping form.

She opened her mouth to call him, but just a bare whisper escaped her lips. It was enough, though. He came awake immediately, rolling out of bed and padding across the floor to her. Hair rumpled, eyes squinting at the bright light, he stared at her.

Wordlessly, she held out her arms.

He lowered his gaze and stared, reached out and traced a finger down her forearm. His mouth spasmed as he closed the distance between them and wrapped her in his arms. "Dana..."

The sobs building inside her chest broke free and she collapsed against him, crying.

Chapter Six.

Three weeks later It had been seven days since she'd last had an ultrasound.

Last week, she'd lay on the table while one of the techs performed the test and she'd watched, smiling as the baby bounced around inside her.

Today was an "official" check and Jake was at her side. That morning, she'd been laying in the bed when she felt the baby move for the first time. Quick-hard. Both of them had felt it, and they'd lain together and smiled.

But there wouldn't be any more smiles today.

She knew the moment the image cleared on the screen that something was wrong. Joe Castillo closed his eyes and then moved the probe away before turning to face her.

Next to her, Jake was silent, but she knew he'd seen it, too. He scooted the chair closer to the bed and leaned in, pressed his lips to her brow.

"There's no heartbeat," she said, her voice flat, emotionless. Inside, she was all but screaming with the pain, dying from it.

Her baby was dead-their baby was dead.

"I'm sorry, Dana," Joe said softly.

She nodded, licked her lips. Sorry-something bitter and ugly formed inside her, but she bit it back.

He left in silence after handing her a paper towel to clean the gel from her tummy. The door closed behind him and she just lay there, unable to move, unable to do anything about the cold gel congealing on her belly. She couldn't move-if she moved, she'd shatter into a thousand pieces. Jake took the paper towel and with a hand that shook, cleaned the gel away.

"Dana."

She turned her head and stared at him. She wanted to cry. She needed to. But her eyes were painfully dry. "The baby's dead."

"G.o.d, Dana..."

She rolled towards him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I feel empty."

Jake could sympathize, although he knew that wasn't exactly something Dana needed to hear just then. She stood in front of the mirror, still wearing the loose sweats she'd worn home from the hospital, her hand resting on her belly.

Only a few hours after the ultrasound, nature had taken course and Dana had gone into labor. After six miserable hours in an uncomfortable hospital bed, she'd given birth to their baby, but there was no joy in the moment.

Still in her first trimester, the virus Dana had caught a month earlier had killed their child. That one, harsh, abrupt movement they'd felt from the baby the morning of the ultrasound had been the one and only time they'd feel the little one move.

Moving up to stand behind her, he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder. She lifted her hands, gripping his arms but continued to stare into the mirror. "Do you think it was a boy or a girl?"

"Dana..."

"I think it was a girl. Joe will let me know for certain when...when I go in for the follow up. I want to know for sure, so we can name her."

Name her-his heart twisted inside him and he wasn't entirely certain he'd be able to speak past the pain choking him. But he managed. He had to-had to be strong right now, for her. She was close to buckling under the pain, he could feel it. Even as she tried to act normal, he could see the pain. It shone in her over-bright eyes, in the way she couldn't sit still for long or focus on any one thing.

A name...dear G.o.d, a name. He didn't want to think about that.

Part of him understood-even now, the medical professional in his head was calmly droning on about closure, a need to grieve. But the bigger part of him was still in shock, still trying to adjust and he couldn't even wrap his mind around the thought of giving a name to a baby he would never get the chance to know.

"What do you want to name her?" he asked, his voice hoa.r.s.e.

Dana shrugged and sighed. "I don't know...we hadn't really gotten around to thinking about it, had we?"

She hadn't cried. He kept waiting for it to happen and every so often he had to blink back the tears that crept up on him. But Dana hadn't cried, and he knew she was fighting it. In his gut, he knew she need to, needed to let herself grieve, but he didn't know how to handle it. Did he push her? Give her s.p.a.ce?

Time-everybody always yammers on about time. He cleared his throat, carefully easing away until a few inches separated them. Smoothing his hands down her arms, he asked, "Do you feel like some lunch? Taking a nap?"

She started to shrug, then stopped. "A nap. Yeah, I think I want a nap."

"Want me to lay down with you?" He made the offer, even though what he really wanted to do, what he needed, was to lay down with her and hold her.

Grieve. f.u.c.k, he needed it.

But obviously, she didn't. She stepped away, giving him an absent, rather empty smile. "No. I just want to be alone for a while."

"No. I just want to be alone for a while," Dana said into the mouthpiece.

Cissy had called, offered to come by, every day for the past week.

But Dana didn't want company.

h.e.l.l, she wasn't entirely certain she wanted Jake here, but she wasn't going to tell him that.

From the corner of her eye, she saw him come into the room, and then stop as he caught sight of her. She acted like she didn't see him-hated herself for it. Hated herself for not being able to move past the apathy swamping her. Hated herself for hurting him.

"Yeah, if I need anything, I'll call."

Cissy snorted. "No, you won't." Then her voice softened. "Dana...honey, I'm worried about you."

She shrugged, although Cissy wasn't there to see it. "Don't be. I'm doing okay."

"No. You're not. You're hiding." She blew out a breath and then said, "Call me when you're ready to talk."

They disconnected and as Dana hung up, she knew she wouldn't be calling Cissy any time soon. She didn't need to talk-there was nothing to talk about.

She'd been pregnant.

Now she wasn't.

She had been planning to be a mom.

Now she wasn't.

She'd been happy- Don't go there. She spun away from the phone as though she could evade her thoughts, but what she ended up doing was plowing straight into Jake. He reached up to steady her, and automatically, she sidestepped. Then she wanted to kick herself as something dark and hurt flashed through his eyes.

The lines of his face smoothed almost immediately and a shutter fell over his eyes. "Was that Cissy?"

Dana nodded. "Yeah. Just wanted to say hi."

He nodded back.

Broken, Jake realized, staring at her.

They were broken. They used to be able to talk for hours, even before they'd gotten involved like this again-they'd been best friends. They'd shared everything-was it unrealistic of him to think they could share this, too? It had been his baby...

"I ran into Joe today," he said. Feeling awkward, he shoved his hands into his pockets. "He said you'd come by."

As she started to brush past him, Dana gave him that blank, vague smile. The same smile she'd given everybody over the past three weeks. "Yes. I'm going back to work Monday-"

He reached out and caught her arm. She stilled-same d.a.m.n thing she'd done every time he touched her. Ever since...ever since that day. Ever since she'd blocked him out, locked him out. But he didn't let go.

He'd tried giving her time, but it wasn't helping.