Plain Facts for Old and Young Part 7

Time to Marry.--Physiology fixes with accuracy the earliest period at which marriage is admissible. This period is that at which the body attains complete development, which is not before twenty in the female, and twenty-four in the male. Even though the growth may be completed before these ages, ossification of the bones is not fully effected, so that development is incomplete.

Among most modern nations, the civil laws fixing the earliest date of marriage seem to have been made without any reference to physiology, or with the mistaken notion that p.u.b.erty and nubility are identical.

It is interesting to note the different ages established by different nations for the entrance of the married state. The degenerating Romans fixed the ages of legal marriage at thirteen for females, and fifteen for males. The Grecian legislator, Lycurgus, placed the ages at seventeen for the female, and thirty-seven for the male. Plato fixed the ages at twenty and thirty years. In Prussia, the respective ages are fifteen and nineteen; in Austria, sixteen and twenty; in France, sixteen and eighteen, respectively.

Says Mayer, "In general, it may be established that the normal epoch for marriage is the twentieth year for women, and the twenty-fourth for men."

Application of the Law of Heredity.--A moment's consideration of the physiology of heredity will disclose a sufficient reason why marriage should be deferred until the development of the body is wholly complete.

The matrimonial relation implies reproduction. Reproduction is effected through the union of the ovum with the zoosperm. These elements, as we have already seen, are complete representatives of the individuals producing them, being composed--as supposed--of minute gemmules which are destined to be developed into cells and organs in the new being, each preserving its resemblance to the cell within the parent which produced it. The perfection of the new being, then, must be largely dependent on the integrity and perfection of the s.e.xual elements. If the body is still incomplete, the reproductive elements must also be incomplete; and, in consequence, the progeny must be equally immature.

Early Marriage.--The preceding paragraph contains a sufficient reason for condemning early marriage; that is, marriage before the ages mentioned. It is probable that even the ages of twenty and twenty-four are too early for those persons whose development is uncommonly slow.

But there are other cogent reasons for discountenancing early marriages, also drawn from the physiology of reproduction, to say nothing of the many reasons which might be urged on other grounds.

1. During the development of the body, all its energies are required in perfecting the various tissues and organs. There is no material to be spared for any foreign purpose.

2. The reproductive act is the most exhaustive of all vital acts. Its effect upon an undeveloped person is to r.e.t.a.r.d growth, weaken the const.i.tution, and dwarf the intellect.

3. The effects upon the female are even worse than those upon the male; for, in addition to the exhaustion of nervous energy, she is compelled to endure the burdens and pains of child-bearing when utterly unprepared for such a task, to say nothing of her unfitness for the other duties of a mother. With so many girl-mothers in the land, is it any wonder that there are so many thousands of unfortunate individuals who never seem to get beyond childhood in their development? Many a man at forty years is as childish in mind, and as immature in judgment, as a well-developed lad of eighteen would be.

They are like withered fruit plucked before it was ripe; they can never become like the mellow and luscious fruit allowed to mature properly.

They are unalterably molded; and the saddest fact of all is that they will give to their children the same imperfections; and the children will transmit them to another generation, and so the evil will go on increasing, unless checked by extinction.

Mutual Adaptation.--Another question of very great importance is that of the mutual adaptation of the individuals. To this question we can devote but a very brief consideration, and that will be more of the nature of criticism than of a set of formal rules for governing matrimonial alliances.

A writer of some note, whose work on this and kindred subjects has had quite an extensive circulation, advocates with great emphasis the theory that parties contemplating marriage should in all cases select for partners individuals as nearly like themselves as possible. Exact duplicates would, in his opinion, make the most perfect union attainable. To make his theory practicable, he is obliged to fall back upon phrenology; and directs that a man seeking a wife, or a woman seeking a husband, should obtain a phrenological chart of his head and then send it around until a counterpart is found. If the circle of one's acquaintance is so fortunate as to contain no one cursed with the same propensities or idiosyncrasies as himself, the newspapers are to be brought into requisition as a medium of advertising.

If so strange a doctrine as this were advocated by an obscure individual in some secluded hamlet, or found only in the musty volumes of some forgotten author, it surely would be unworthy of notice; but coming as it does from a quite popular writer, and being coupled with a great amount of really valuable truth, it is sufficiently important to deserve refutation. A brief glance at the practical working of the theory will be a sufficient exposure of its falsity.

According to this rule, a man or woman of large combativeness should select a partner equally inclined to antagonism; then we should have--what? the elements of a happy, contented, harmonious life? No; instead, either a speedy lawsuit for divorce, or a continual domestic broil, the nearest approach to a mundane purgatory possible. The selfish, close-fisted, miserly money-catcher must marry a woman equally sordid and stingy. Then together they could h.o.a.rd up, for moths and rust to destroy, or for interested relatives to quarrel over, the pictorial greenback and the glittering dollar, each scrimping the other down to the finest point above starvation and freezing, and finally dying, to be forgotten as soon as dead by their fellow-men, and sent among the goats at the great a.s.sizes. A shiftless spendthrift must choose for a helpmeet (?) an equally slovenly, thriftless wife. A man with a crotchet should select a partner with the same morbid fancy.

A man whose whole mental composition gravitates behind his ears, must find a mate with the same animal disposition. An individual whose mental organization is sadly unbalanced, is advised to seek for a wife a woman with the same deficiencies and abnormalities.

Any one can see at a glance the domestic disasters which such a plan of proceeding would entail. Men and women of unbalanced temperaments would become more unbalanced. An individual of erroneous tendencies, instead of having the constant check of the example and admonitions of a mate of opposite tendencies, would be, by constant example, hastened onward in his sinful ways. Thus, to all but a very small proportion of humanity, the married state would be one of infelicity and degeneration.

And what would be the progeny of such unions? The peculiarities and propensities of the parents, instead of being modified and perhaps obliterated in the children by corresponding differences in character, would be doubly exaggerated. The children of selfish parents would be thieves; those of spendthrifts, beggars; those of crotchety parents, monomaniacs; those born of sensual parents, beastly debauchees. A few generations of such a degenerating process would either exterminate the race or drive it back to Darwin's ancestral ape.

It must not be inferred, from our strictures upon the theory mentioned, that we would advocate the opposite course, that is, the contraction of marriage by individuals of wholly dissimilar tastes, aims, and temperaments. Such alliances would doubtless be quite as wretched in their results as those of an opposite character. It is with this as with nearly all other subjects; the true course lies between the two extremes. Parties who are negotiating a life partnership should be careful to a.s.sure themselves that there exists a sufficient degree of congeniality of temperament to make such close and continued a.s.sociation agreeable.

Disparity of Age.--Both nature and custom seem to indicate that the husband should be a little older than the wife. Several reasons might be given for this; but we need not mention them. When, however, the difference of ages reaches such an extreme as thirty, forty, even fifty or more years, nature is abused, good taste is offended, and even morality is shocked. Such ill-sorted alliances are disastrous to both parties, and scarcely more to one than the other. An old man who forms a union with a young girl scarce out of her teens--or even younger--can scarcely have any very elevated motive for his action, and he certainly exposes himself to the greatest risk of sudden death, while insuring his premature decay. A king once characterized such a course as "the pleasantest form of suicide." It is doubtless suicidal, but we suspect there are some phases of such an unnatural union which are not very enjoyable.

One reason of the great danger of such marriages to the old is the exhaustive effects of the s.e.xual act. As previously noted, in some animals it causes immediate death. Dr. Acton makes the following pertinent remarks:--

"So serious, indeed, is the paroxysm of the nervous system produced by the s.e.xual spasm, that its immediate effect is not always unattended with danger, and men with weak hearts have died in the act. Every now and then we learn that men are found dead on the night of their wedding."

"However exceptional these cases are, they are warnings, and should serve to show that an act which _may_ destroy the weak should not be tampered with, even by the strong."

"There are old men who marry young wives, and who pay the penalty by becoming martyrs to paralysis, softening of the brain, and driveling idiocy."

Dr. Gardner quotes the Abbe Maury, as follows: "I hold as certain that after fifty years of age a man of sense ought to renounce the pleasures of love. Each time that he allows himself this gratification is _a pellet of earth thrown upon his coffin_."

Dr. Gardner further says: "Alliances of this sort have taken place in every epoch of humanity, from the time of the patriarchs to the present day,--alliances repugnant to nature,--between men bordering on decrepitude and poor young girls, who are sacrificed by their parents for position, or who sell themselves for gold. There is in these monstrous alliances something which we know not how to brand sufficiently energetically, in considering the reciprocal relations of the pair thus wrongfully united, and the lot of the children which may result from them. Let us admit, for an instant, that the marriage has been concluded with the full consent of the young girl, and that no external pressure has been exerted upon her will--as is generally the rule--it will none the less happen that reflection and experience will tardily bring regrets, and the sharper as the evil will be without remedy; but if compulsion, or what is often the same thing, _persuasion_, had been employed to obtain the consent which the law demands, the result would have been more prompt and vehement. From this moment the common life becomes odious to the unhappy victim, and _culpable hopes_ will arise in her desolate heart, so heavy is the chain she carries.

In fact, the love of the old man becomes ridiculous and horrid to her, and we cannot sufficiently sympathize with the unfortunate person whose duty [?] it is to submit to it. If we think of it an instant, we shall perceive a repulsion, such as is only inspired by the idea of incest....

So what do we oftenest observe? Either the woman violently breaks the cursed bands, or she resigns herself to them; and then she seeks to fill up the void in her soul by adulterous amours. Such is the somber perspective of the sacrilegious unions which set at defiance the most respectable instincts, the most n.o.ble desires, and the most legitimate hopes. Such, too, are the terrible chastis.e.m.e.nts reserved for the thoughtlessness or foolish pride of these dissolute gray-beards, who prodigalize the last breath of their life in search of depraved voluptuousness."

The parents, the perpetrators of such an outrage against nature, are not the only sufferers. Look at the children which they bring into the world! Let Dr. Gardner speak again:--

"Children, the issue of old men, are habitually marked by a serious and sad air spread over their countenances, which is manifestly very opposite to the infantile expression which so delights one in the little children of the same age engendered under other conditions. As they grow up, their features take on more and more the senile character; so much so that every one remarks it, and the world regards it as a natural thing. The old mothers pretend that it is an old head on young shoulders. They predict an early death to these children, and the event frequently justifies the horoscope. Our attention has for many years been fixed upon this point, and we can affirm that the greater part of the offspring of these connections are weak, torpid, lymphatic, if not scrofulous, and do not promise a long career."

In old age the seminal fluid becomes greatly deteriorated. Even at the best, its component elements could only represent decrepitude and infirmity, degeneration and senility. In view of such facts, says Dr.

Acton,--

"We are, therefore, forced to the conclusion that the children of old men have an inferior chance of life; and facts daily observed confirm our deductions. Look but at the progeny of such marriages; what is its value? As far as I have seen, it is the worst kind--spoilt childhood, feeble and precocious youth, extravagant manhood, early and premature death."

Unions of an opposite character to those just considered, wherein a young man marries a woman much older than himself, are more rare than those of the other cla.s.s. They are, perhaps, less deplorable in their physical effects, but still highly reprehensible. They are seldom prompted by pure motives, and can be productive of no good. Children resulting from such unions are notably weak, unbalanced, and sorry specimens of humanity.

We have scarcely referred to the domestic misery which may result from these disgraceful unions. If a young girl is brought home by a widower to preside over his grown-up daughters, perhaps old enough to be her mother, all the elements are provided for such a domestic h.e.l.l as could only be equaled by circ.u.mstances precisely similar. If children are born, neither father nor mother is fit to act the part of a parent to them. The father, by reason of his age, is fitful, uncertain, and childish; to-day too lenient, to-morrow too exacting. The mother is pettish, childish, indulgent, impatient, and as unskilled in government as unfit for motherhood. In the midst of all this misrule, the child grows up undisciplined, uncultivated, unsubdued; a misery to his parents, a disgrace to his friends, a dishonor to himself.

"What shall I do with him? and what will he do with me?" was the question asked by a girl of eighteen whose parents were urging her to marry an old man; and every young woman would do well to propound it under similar circ.u.mstances.

Were we disposed to define more specifically the conditions necessary to secure the most harmonious matrimonial unions, it would be useless to do so; for unions of this sort never have been, and never will be--with rare exceptions--formed in accordance with a prescribed method independent of any emotional bias. Nor is it probable that such a plan would result in remedying, in any appreciable degree, existing evils. It is a fact too patent to be ignored that a very large share of the unhappiness in the world arises from ill-mated marriages; but it is also true that nearly the whole of this unhappiness might be averted if the parties themselves would endeavor to lessen the differences between them by mutual approximation.

Courtship.--We cannot well avoid devoting a few paragraphs to a part of the subject so important as this, especially as it affords an opportunity for pointing out some evils too patent and too perilous to be ignored.

Courting, in the sense in which we use the word, is distinctly an American custom. The social laws of other civilized countries are such as to preclude the possibility of the almost unrestrained a.s.sociation of the s.e.xes in youth which we see in this country. We do not offer this fact as an argument in favor of foreign social customs, by any means, although in this one particular they often present great advantages, since in the majority of instances other evils as great or even greater are encouraged. We mention the fact simply for the purpose of bringing into bold relief the evils of the characteristic American looseness in this particular.

A French matron would be horrified at the idea of a young man asking her daughter to accompany him alone on an evening ride, to a lecture, concert, or other place of amus.e.m.e.nt, and much more should he ask the privilege of sitting up all night in the parlor with the light turned down, after the rest of the family had retired. Among respectable people in France such liberties are not tolerated; and a young man who should propose such things would be dismissed from the house instantly, and would be regarded as unfit for a.s.sociation with virtuous people. If a young man calls upon a young lady for the purpose of making her acquaintance, he sees both her and her mother, or an aunt or older sister.

He never sees her alone. If he invites her to ride, or to accompany him to an entertainment of any sort, he must always invite her lady friend also; she goes along at any rate. There is afforded no chance for solitary moonlight strolls or rides, nor any other of the similar opportunities made so common by American courting customs. We are no advocates of the formal modes of contracting matrimonial alliances common among many nations, and ill.u.s.trations of which we find at all ages of the world. For example, among the ancient a.s.syrians it was a custom to sell wives to the highest bidder, at auction, the sums received for the handsomer one being given to the less favored ones as a dowry, to secure a husband for every woman. The same custom prevailed in Babylon in ancient times, and has been practiced in modern times in Russia. At St. Petersburg, not many years ago, an annual sale of wives was held on Whit Sunday, after the same plan followed by the a.s.syrians.

Among the early Jews it seems to have been the custom for parents to select wives for their sons. In the case of Isaac, this important matter was intrusted to an old and experienced servant, who was undoubtedly considered much more competent to select a wife for the young man than he was himself. The same custom has been handed down even to the present time among some oriental nations. In many cases the parties are not allowed to see each other until after the wedding ceremony is completed.

The Hungarians often betroth their children while they are yet in their cradles, as did the Mexicans and Brazilians of the last century. In some countries it has even been customary to betroth girls conditionally before they were born. The primitive Moravians seem to have adhered to the ancient Jewish custom in some degree, though making the selection of a wife a matter of chance. The old people did all the courting there was done, which was not much. When a young man desired a wife, a helpmeet was selected for him by casting lots among the marriageable young ladies of the community, and the young man was obliged to abide by the decision, it being supposed that Providence controlled the selection. We are not prepared to say that the young man ran any greater risk of getting an uncongenial or undesirable life companion by this mode of selection than by the more modern modes in vogue among us.

As before remarked, we do not present these customs as ill.u.s.trations of what might be considered a proper mode of conducting the preliminary steps of matrimonial alliances. On the contrary, we unhesitatingly p.r.o.nounce them decidedly objectionable on moral grounds if not on others, and we can readily see that such unions must have been in many cases exceedingly unsatisfactory.

In various other countries, marriage customs quite the opposite from those described have been in vogue. In Irving's "Knickerbocker's History of New York," a somewhat humorous account is given of a custom which has prevailed in some parts of this country as well as others, even within the memory of persons living at the present day, and is, indeed, said to be not yet altogether obsolete in Finland. The author, in dwelling upon the social customs of the early Dutch settlers of New York, describes "a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly known by the name of _bundling_,--a superst.i.tious rite observed by the young people of both s.e.xes, with which they usually terminated their festivities, and which was kept up with religious strictness by the more bigoted part of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, considered as an indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing where ours usually finish,--by which means they acquired that intimate acquaintance with each other's good qualities before marriage, which has been p.r.o.nounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a shrewdness of making a bargain, which has ever since distinguished them."

"To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee race; for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court records and parish registers, that, wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of st.u.r.dy brats annually born into the State, without the license of the law, or the benefit of clergy."

Long Courtships.--Chiefly for the reasons presented in the preceding paragraphs, we are opposed to long courtships and long engagements.

They are productive of no good, and are not infrequently the occasion of much evil. There may be circ.u.mstances which render a prolonged engagement necessary and advisable; but, in general, they are to be avoided.

On the other hand, hasty marriages are still more to be deprecated, especially when, as is too commonly the case, the probability is so great that pa.s.sion is the actuating motive far more than true love.

Marriage is a matter of most serious consequences, and deserving of the most careful deliberation. Too often matrimony is entered upon without any more substantial a.s.surance of happiness as the result than the individual has of securing a valuable prize who buys a ticket in a lottery scheme. In the majority of cases, young people learn more of each other's real character within six weeks after marriage than they discovered during as many months of courting. To every young man and woman we say, Look well before you leap; consider well, carefully, and prayerfully. A leap in the dark is a fearful risk, and will be far more likely to land you in a domestic purgatory than anywhere else.

Do not be dazzled by a handsome face, an agreeable address, a brilliant or piquant manner. Choose, rather, modesty, simplicity, sincerity, morality, qualities of heart and mind, rather than exterior embellishments.

"It is folly," suggests a friend, "to give advice on these subjects, for no one will follow advice on this point, no matter how sensible and reasonable he may be on all other subjects. The emotions carry the individual away, and the reason loses control." This is all too true, in nearly all cases. We believe in affection. The emotions have their part to act. We have no sympathy with the theories of those who will have all marriages made by rule. But reason must be allowed a voice in the matter; and although there may be a time when the overwhelming force of the emotions may force the reason and judgment into the background, there has been a time previous when the judgment might have held control. Let every young man and woman be most scrupulously careful how he allows emotional excitement to gain the ascendency. When once reason is stifled, the individual is in a most precarious situation.

It is far better and easier to prevent the danger than to escape from it.

Flirtation.--We cannot find language sufficiently emphatic to express proper condemnation of one of the most popular forms of amus.e.m.e.nt indulged in at the present day in this country, under the guise of innocent a.s.sociation of the s.e.xes. By the majority of people, flirtation is looked upon as harmless, if not useful, as some even consider, claiming that the experience gained by such a.s.sociations is valuable to young persons, by making them familiar with the customs of society and the ways of the world. We have not the slightest hesitation in p.r.o.nouncing flirtation as pernicious in the extreme. It exerts a malign influence alike upon the mental, the moral, and the physical const.i.tution of those who indulge it. The young lady who has become infatuated with a pa.s.sion for flirting, courting the society of young men simply for the pleasure derived from their attentions, is educating herself in a school which will totally unfit her for the enjoyment of domestic peace and happiness should she have all the conditions necessary for such enjoyment other than those which she herself must furnish. More than this, she is very likely laying the foundation for lifelong disease by the dissipation, late hours, late suppers, evening exposures, fashionable dressing, etc., the almost certain accompaniments of the vice we are considering. She is surely sacrificing a life of real true happiness for the transient fascinations of unreal enjoyment, pernicious excitement.

It may be true, and undoubtedly is the case, that the greater share of the guilt of flirtation lies at the door of the female s.e.x; but there do exist such detestable creatures as male flirts. In general, the male flirt is a much less worthy character than the young lady who makes a pastime of flirtation. He is something more than a flirt. In nine cases out of ten, he is a rake as well. His object in flirting is to gratify a mean propensity at the expense of those who are pure and unsophisticated. He is skilled in the arts of fascination and intrigue.

Slowly he winds his coils about his victim, and before she is aware of his real character, she has lost her own.