Pet Peeve Part 34

"Come in," Okra said. "You can stand on the table."

They entered the cave. In the center chamber was a huge table crudely chiseled out of a giant slab of granite. "Smithereen chewed it into shape with his front teeth," Okra said as she lifted them up to its surface. "It took him a whole hour."

The cave shook as heavy footsteps approached. The ogre male appeared, almost as wide as he was tall, and muscular in proportion. "You give beefcake a bad name," the peeve said.

"The cake? Me take."

Okra hastily brought a huge cake. The ogre stuffed it into his mouth.

"You're so stupid, it's a wonder you remember to breathe!"

"It's the bird," Goody said. "It talks."

The Over Ogre focused on the parody. "Me heard. Like bird."

"Maybe we should let the children play with the bird," Okra said. "We'll never get anything done if it keeps flattering him."

Goody agreed. He carried the bird to the ogrets. Meanwhile Gwenny walked out to stand directly before Smithereen.

"Me see goblin she," he said, surprised.

"It's Gwenny Goblin, Chiefess of Goblin Mountain," Okra said. "Jenny Elf's friend. Remember?"

He struggled to remember, throwing off more fleas than his daughter had as his head heated with the effort.

"Lift me up to your ugly face," Gwenny told him.

The ogre put out a monstrous ham hand. Gwenny sat on it, and he lifted her up for a closer inspection. She leaned forward and kissed him on the h.o.r.n.y nose.

Stunned, he crashed back into the stone chair Okra had providently placed behind him. "Now me remember, little goblin her," he said, dazed.

"I thought you might," Gwenny said, climbing off his hand as it sank back to the table.

Goody knew how that was, too.

Then Gwenny explained about the robots and the need for all the creatures of Xanth to help beat them back. It was a well-turned paragraph.

"Ogres bash, robots crash," Okra translated.

Smithereen's smile was so broad that the roaches in the corners fainted and fell to the floor. "Grate fate!"

"That's 'great fate,'" Okra told them. "He can't spell, of course. It means the ogres will join the effort."

"Thank you!" Goody said. "Tell them to be at the Iron Mountain tomorrow if they can make it. And not to fight with all the other species that will be there."

"I will," Okra agreed.

The parody fluttered to rejoin Goody. "Would you like to stay with the ogrets?" he asked it.

"Too stupid to be insulted," the peeve said peevishly.

Goody sighed. Another prospect hadn't worked out.

Chapter 14: Coordination.

Back at the naga landing strip they consulted. "All those troops are going to be converging on Iron Mountain," Hannah said. "Some are natural enemies. It's going to be chaos unless there's someone to organize them."

"You're right," Gwenny agreed. "But who? None of them are going to take directives from a natural enemy."

"Ha ha ha! Let the gobs fight the ogs!"

They ignored the parody, which annoyed it.

"I can think of someone," Cynthia Centaur said. "Human King Emeritus Magician Trent. He's a manly man with a lot of governing experience and a potent talent. I think he is universally respected by the major species."

"You've still got half a crush on him," Che chided her.

"Ooo, kisses and smacks! Do you do it frontwise or rearwise?"

She nodded, still managing to ignore the peeve. "I suppose I do. But I've got more than half a crush on you, and you return it."

Che nodded. "I think your idea is viable. He could command the human contingent, and direct the others through their leaders. They would not be giving up their independence to the humans, merely coordinating. But he'd need a demon to move him around rapidly, so he could be aware of the big picture."

"Dad," Vore said. "Demon Professor Grossclout. He's the one who is organizing the demons, and who a.s.signed us to transport you two goblins. Now it's his turn."

"Oh, let me tell him!" Metria said eagerly.

Vore looked at her. "You'd flash your polka-dot panties with the empty dots at him and do your best to annoy him."

"Yes! Let me do it." She flicked her skirt, showing a dot. Goody barely managed to avert his eyes in time.

"I will do it." Vore vanished.

Metria glanced at the parody. "Come here a moment, bird." It obligingly fluttered across to perch on her shoulder. "Bleepity bleep ka-bleep!" her voice swore, browning the nearby foliage. The bird returned to Goody, its job done.

"My job is to guard Goody," Hannah said. "But I can't do that if you demons are transporting him and Gwenny to places I can't go."

"You should go too," Gwenny agreed. "He'll be no good to me if he gets skewered by a robot. Is there a demon we can trust to transport you?"

"Dara," Metria said, perking up. "Magician Humfrey's first wife. She's off duty now, so is available. She has a bit of a soul, so can be trusted. And she won't feel you up the way I do Goody."

"You what?" Gwenny asked sharply.

"Caress, fondle, cuddle, ma.s.sage, goose-"

"You do not!" Goody protested.

"Pet?" the parody asked.

"Whatever," Metria agreed, not very crossly. "I'll go fetch her. If I have to be stuck with this ch.o.r.e, she does too." She popped out.

Gwenny faced Goody. "And Vore has not been handling me, either. They're both married, you know."

"Married? I did suspect," Nada said with half a smile.

The children and bird laughed. "Dad doesn't even get it on with Metria," Monica said. "Mom's such a spoilsport."

"Fortunately those two demons don't really like each other," Nada agreed.

It occurred to Goody that the half-demon children liked to flirt with violations of the Adult Conspiracy. They probably knew more about it than they let on. Their parents seemed remarkably tolerant. They probably had to be.

There were two pops, and Metria and another demoness appeared. The second was dusky in a s.e.xy sort of way. "Here's Dara," Metria said. "Sometimes called Dana because Humfrey can't keep her name straight. And I didn't even have to show her my polka-dot panties."

"Those were my my panties," Dara said severely. "You stole them two centuries ago. If I'd had them when Humfrey rescued his wives from h.e.l.l, I wouldn't have had to settle for one month in six." panties," Dara said severely. "You stole them two centuries ago. If I'd had them when Humfrey rescued his wives from h.e.l.l, I wouldn't have had to settle for one month in six."

"And this is Hannah Barbarian," Metria continued. "You will transport her where I take Goody."

"h.e.l.lo, Hannah. If you guard Goody, who guards you?"

"I don't need a guard!"

"But you do need a man, don't you."

"Are you teasing me?"

"Maybe."

Hannah nodded. "We'll get along."

Vore returned. "Dad's on board."

"Because he knows where the action is," Nada said.

"He'll fetch King Trent, and meet us tomorrow at Iron Mountain."

"But we told the other species to be there two days from now," Goody said.

"That's why we need to be there the day before," Hannah said. "So we can direct them to their quadrants. We'll need to survey the region beforehand."

"You're pretty good at this," Vore said.

"Well, I'm a barbarian. We like to fight."

"Maybe we should go there now and make camp," Goody said. "So we won't have to do it tomorrow."

"It works for me," Vore said. "We'll drop you off now."

Metria took Goody, Vore took Gwenny, and Dara took Hannah.

There was a wrench, and they stood before a mountain made of iron. It was impressive, towering above them, with iron steps cut into its side leading upward, and an iron guardrail. An almost invisible river gushed from a coiled spring and cascaded down the side.

"What a pile!" the parody exclaimed.

"South is Lake Wails," Dara Demoness said. "East is the Kiss Mee River, newly restored to friendly curves. Nearby is the Singing Tower. Immediately west is Mountain Lake. It's an interesting location."

"You're familiar with it?" Gwenny asked.

"I pop by every so often. Once I found an ogre and a number of damsels stuck atop Iron Mountain without proper water or a bed, and was able to help them. I try to do a good deed every day, if I can."

That explained something about Dara. She was definitely nice for a demoness.

Hannah got busy preparing a lean-to, with the parody staying to criticize her efforts. Goody and Gwenny set off in search of pillow and pie plants. They found a few, but that suggested a problem. "What's the army going to eat?" Goody asked.

"I think we'll have to import supplies."

"From where?"

"I think we have a problem."

They harvested what they could, and started back. "Oh, I meant to inquire, now that we're alone," Gwenny said, setting down her bundle. She stepped close to Goody. "Did Metria to this to you?" She squeezed him in a private place.

He started to protest, then realized that she was teasing him. The absence of the peeve was a rare chance for private interaction. So he squeezed her in a naughty place. "Did Vore do this to you?"

She considered. "Maybe." She kissed him. "Did the demoness do this to you?"

"I'm not sure. Try it again."

She tried it again. "No, I don't think so. Did Vore do this to you?" He stroked her in an intriguing place.

She pondered, not withdrawing at all. "Probably not. Did Metria-"

Goody leaped into the air. "Hoo!"

"I didn't do that to you either," Metria said, coming into sight after doing it invisibly. "What are you two up to?"

"Nothing you wouldn't understand," Gwenny said with resignation.

They picked up their bundles and returned to the developing camp. "We found some pies and pillows," Goody said. "But the full army will need a hundred times what's here."

"Food!" Hannah said. "Why didn't I I think of that?" think of that?"

"Because you're an uncivilized dunce."