Pet Peeve Part 10

"It's the bird!" Goody explained. "It imitates my voice to insult people. It's a fine bridge."

Brigitte looked unconvinced.

"Try it yourself," Goody said desperately. "Take the bird on your arm and listen."

"Oh, all right," she said. "But I don't believe it."

The parody hopped onto her lifted wrist. "Did you ever see a snottier looking goblin girl?" her voice inquired. "You'd swear she's a man in a dress."

Brigitte nodded. "Now I believe."

"Would you like to adopt the bird?" Goody asked. "We're looking for a good home for it."

She laughed. "No way! They'd boot me out of No Man's Land! Take it on across the river." The bridge reappeared.

Goody took back the peeve. "Thank you."

They walked onto the bridge. It was solidly constructed and seemed more than adequate, but close to the surface of the river. The loan sharks swam in close.

"Ignore them and maybe they'll go away," Hannah advised.

"Hey, you lubbers! You call those teeth? I've seen better on a keyhole saw!"

The sharks' colors intensified. They gnashed their teeth, which were considerably larger than described.

"And those fins-I'll bet they make stinking soup!"

Goody hurried, but now the sharks were really enraged. One big blue one leaped high enough to land on the bridge. It swiveled around, trying to slide across the planks to reach them.

"And what happened to your tail? Did it get caught in a grinder?"

Goody backed away as the shark snapped at his legs.

Another shark made the leap, landing behind him. This one was red, and larger than the first. Now he was trapped between them.

Hannah stepped in, her sword drawn. "Now we can do this one of two ways," she said to the sharks. "You can slide back into the water on your own, and keep your hides intact. Or you can be filleted for our dinner."

"Don't you believe it!" Goody's voice cried. "She's got good-tasting arms and legs."

The red shark gnashed its teeth, sending out a shower of sparks. It wasn't being bluffed.

"Perhaps a small demonstration," the barbarian said. She stepped forward, her sword-point blurring. The letters H B appeared on the shark's hide.

"She carved her initials!" the parody chortled. "Maybe she'll do her whole name next: Honey Bunch."

The shark chewed on that a moment, then slid off the bridge, followed by the blue one. Hannah had made her point.

They continued on across the bridge, unmolested. "Could you really have filleted them?" Goody asked.

"Of course. But I didn't really want to. Loan sharks taste terrible."

They reached the far bank and turned to wave thanks to Brigitte. Then they surveyed the plants growing here. There was an a.s.sortment of pie plants, milkweed, and cookies. Exactly what they needed.

They settled down for a considerable snack. "Honey Bunch?" Goody asked.

"When I was a girl, a mean boy made that up to tease me. Now they call him tongue-twister."

"But that's not a tongue twister."

"Because he never was able to get the knot I tied out of his tongue."

"He he hee!" the peeve laughed.

Hannah glanced at it. "I haven't lost the knack."

The bird's beak snapped thoroughly shut.

Stuffed, Goody found he had a problem. "I need to-"

"p.o.o.p!" the bird said helpfully.

"No! But-"

"Squat by a bush," Hannah said.

"But-"

"You can't do it the way you used to. You're a girl now."

"And you've got pan-ties!"

Goody found the whole business uncomfortably awkward, especially with the goading of the bird, but managed to get through. "I thought I got what I needed," he said, glancing at the statuette. "But it didn't help at all."

"Such artifacts are usually valid. Just keep it in mind as we search." But the barbarian's a.s.surance lacked conviction.

They came to a central plaza. There was some kind of monument, a big block of polished stone. On it were the words THINGS EQUAL TO THE SAME THING ARE EQUAL TO EACH OTHER.

"What does it mean?" Goody asked.

"Beats me. But it surely means something."

"Duh!" the parody said.

She turned to the bird. "Do you know something, or are you just mouthing?"

"Small object, big object, put them together, cretin."

Goody brought out the statuette and considered it more carefully. "I just noticed something: this is male on one side, female on the other."

"I just noticed something too: there's a doll-shaped cavity in the top of this block."

"Double Duh!" the bird repeated.

"So we put them together?" He brought the small object to the big object. The cavity was just the right size for it. "Which way up?"

"I am getting a wicked notion," Hannah said. "It has to go one side up or the other. Could that be important?"

"Let's find out." Goody laid the doll in the hole, female side up.

Nothing happened.

"Now try the other way," Hannah said.

He lifted out the figure and replaced it male side up.

Something odd happened. His shirt loosened and his trousers constricted him uncomfortably in the crotch.

"Oh, no!" Hannah exclaimed.

"I'm back!" Goody cried. "I've got my male parts!"

"You don't say," Hannah said heavily.

He looked at her. Her halter hung loose and her skirt dangled on her narrow hips. Her arms and legs had developed knotty muscles. "You're a man!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" The parody laughed so hard it fell off Goody's shoulder and lay twitching on the ground. "How you like them apples, hero?"

"That's why the bleeping bird was so helpful," Hannah said. "It knew this would happen."

The peeve flew back to Goody's shoulder. "Well, it was a lucky guess, dolt."

"We can change you back, Hannah," Goody said. "But-"

"But then you'd be a girl again."

That gave him pause. "I gather you don't want to be male any more than I want to be female?"

"Right on, buster."

A bulb flashed over his head. "I can leave. You can stay here and change it back once I'm out."

She/he nodded. "That should work. Let's do it this way: I'll escort you out, then return here to change, then rejoin you as female."

It was decided. Except for one thing: "What about the gender key?"

"Let's experiment." She lifted it out. Nothing changed. "It seems it remains where set; this is only a key, not the whole magic. Let's take it with us, so no one else can use it before we're clear."

"Awww," the parody said.

"Now I think I understand what the demoness meant," Goody said. "We couldn't go to No Woman's Land, because it didn't exist. But we made it come to us."

"So she did w.a.n.gle a confusion."

"Demons do tend to be devious."

They foraged for new clothing, storing the old in Hannah's barbarian backpack.

They walked back the way they had come. They came to the river and waved. A bridge appeared, and they crossed. On the far side was a man who looked like Brigitte's brother. His clothes fit perfectly. "Did you find what you were looking for, brothers?" he inquired jovially.

Goody sent Hannah a Significant Glance, then answered. "Yes, thank you."

They went on, and came to a little green boy playing with another boy. "h.e.l.lo, Olive."

"Hi, fellows." He continued playing, paying them no more attention.

"Now he makes imaginary boys, not girls," Hannah murmured.

They came to Hazel, who was now male. "How does it feel to be altered?" Goody asked.

"What?"

"To change from female to male?"

"What are you talking about? I've always been male. Everyone's male, here in No Woman's Land."

Hannah returned the Significant Glance to Goody. The inhabitants didn't know!

"What a crackbrain!"

"And you boys still have your bleeping bird. I thought you were going to get rid of it."

"No such luck, yet," Hannah said.

They went on. "Did you notice how their clothes fit?" Goody asked. "They must have changed with the people. Why didn't ours?"

"Because we're outsiders. That's why we're aware of the change. Probably if we stayed here a while, we'd lose track too."

"I find that scary."

"So do I."

They continued on out the gate, which now said NO WOMAN'S LAND. Even the stone had changed! "I'll wait here," Goody said. "With the parody."

"That will help. I'll hurry." She/he disappeared back through the gate.

Goody settled down for a snooze. This had been quite enough of a day!

Then he thought of something. The parody had never changed. Did that mean it was neuter, or that it was impossible to tell its gender? Well, did it matter? Its nature was obnoxious regardless.