Perfect. Part 28

I can't believe you'd let it go to waste!

She jumps up, stomps across the hardwood floor. "Lots of talent goes to waste." My voice is lost in her footsteps.

Every Time I'm around her, I like her more. Not sure she could say the same thing about me. In fact, pretty sure not. Oh well. She doesn't know my parents, or that I'm already a major disappointment to them.

Wonder how they'd feel about me teaching.

Other than the money thing.

Because teaching isn't about money either.

As I start to head out, Liana gestures to me to come closer.

Uh... I happened to overhear your conversation. Shantell is right, you know.

You were destined to dance. If you try to ignore that, you'll be completely miserable. A new TV dance show is holding auditions in L.A.

next month. I hope you'll consider trying out.

Me? On TV?

On the Jeopardy! College Championship, maybe. If I go to college, that is. But on a dance show? That would require letting the world know I dance. Which means letting my parents know I dance. Putting all that aside, however, that kind of compet.i.tion is for real dancers, not a novice like me.

I tell Liana, "I'll think about it, okay?"

Not for too long. We'll want to come up with something really special for your audition. Call me tomorrow.

Tomorrow? No problem. I already know what I'm going to say.

The Quattro takes me home. It must, because I'm not thinking much about where to turn it.

I'm thinking about Shantell.

Dance isn't about money. It's about heart.

Is Dance My Heart?

I can't say that it is. The only thing that feels that way right now is Jenna. She is an obsession, really. Not sure why. She says she's not in love with me. Can never be. Does soul-splitting love have to be returned to make it real? If I had to give her up, it would open a black hole inside of me. But what about dance? If I had to give it up... what? I park my car, go inside to shower.

Run the water hot, make the bathroom steam.

Soap. Shampoo. Routine. Dance, I realize, is my escape from ordinary.

If I had to give it up, I would lose something integral. Why am I afraid to confess that?

I dance. Train. Work hard to improve. Doesn't that mean I'm a dancer?

Believing I Am Should mean being proud that I am, which means telling the world.

I'll start with Jenna, work my way up.

We're going to a party tonight. Always an adventure with Jenna.

When she gets in the car, it's obvious her personal party has begun. "You drinking already?" I think her condition must be due to more than alcohol. But I'm not stupid enough to say so. Only a little.

I don't want to pa.s.s out before we even get there, you know?

I won't comment on that. "So, hey. I want to tell you something...."

Tell her, quick, before the fire goes out.

Okay, but I have to tell you something first.

Your mom thinks Kendra is anorexic.... The flame extinguishes.

Cara

Fire Some people say love is fire- flame fanned into inferno. A raging that all too predictably burns through the years, fades into smoldering, burns down into ash, soot that cannot be rekindled.

I say that soot is dust, swept up by gravity to fly, untouched by time, with ice, a comet. Bright in the vast azure deep of night, a flare in the frozen emptiness of s.p.a.ce.

A hot, cold candle, magnified beneath the glare of solar wind.

Falling In Love Was not something I ever expected.

I have no role models for love.

I always thought friendship would do-that my heart couldn't hold more. But it can, and that presents an incredible dilemma. Because if I truly love Dani as much as I think I do, how can I deny it? Her? Us?

At Stanford, no one worth mentioning would care. The Bay Area is a liberal stronghold. But Stanford presents another problem. Will I still go there?

It's not so far from here. I could come home on weekends. Not to see my family, who I just want away from. But how can I live without Dani?

Everything is so new, and moving bullet train speed, we haven't even talked about next year. It's all been about how, when, and where we can see each other again. G.o.d, I want it to be every day. So strange.

Never, ever before did having s.e.x mean anything to me. But now I think about it all the time. Is that sick? I have no idea what normal is. Has she turned me into a perv?

Maybe the trick is just having lots and lots of s.e.x until you get tired of it? Does everyone eventually get tired of it? Do really old people still like having "fun" after decades together? Does being in love influence any of that? Does love fade with time? And which fades faster-love or l.u.s.t? Too many questions.

That's what comes of sitting here alone when all I want is to be with her.

Wonder if she feels the same way.

Suddenly the phone rings. Am I psychic?

But It Isn't Dani Caller ID says it's Sean. I let it go to voice mail, though I've got a good idea what he's going to say. He's sorry.

He loves me, and he's sure I love him, too.

But no. This message is different.

h.e.l.lo, Cara. You might want to pick up, unless you want your parents to hear about you and your girlfriend.

I feel like I just stepped off a high dive. He waits, and I can almost hear the zzzzzz of his anger. I don't know what to do. Pretend I'm not here?

I know you're there. I can see your car. My car? Is he outside?

You've got five seconds. Answer the G.o.dd.a.m.n phone! Four. Three...

I yank the receiver out of its cradle.

"What is wrong with you, Sean? Why can't you just leave me alone?"

I am not the type to cry, but this is getting creepy. Scary, even. "What do you want from me?" Hope he can't hear the crack in my voice. And I pray he can't see me crying. He isn't looking through my window with binoculars or something, is he? I want to know when you went all gay. Not only a wh.o.r.e, but a lezbo wh.o.r.e? Just when the f.u.c.k did that happen? No wonder you didn't want d.i.c.k.

Then again, some lezs like d.i.l.d.os.

Do you and your little butch girl use those? Because I'd pay to watch. In fact, I bet I could round up a few friends. What do you think?

Deny. Deny. Deny. He can't know anything for sure. He has to be guessing. "Sean, I have no clue what you're talking about."

His Laugh Is Cruel Really? And now you're a liar, too. I saw you with her at Mt. Rose, off in the trees making out. You wanna tell me that isn't true?

Oh my G.o.d. So, fine, change tactics.

"You are stalking me, aren't you?

You realize that's crazy, right?

Sean, can't you see you need help?"

First of all, I didn't even know you'd be at Rose. Pure coincidence.

And second, considering everything, I'd say you're the one who needs help.

I could tell him that Dani is my help.

But arguing with him is useless.

And no matter how much he thinks he knows, I won't confess anything.

How can I de-escalate the war he so wants to wage? "You're right. I do need help. See? You're better off without me." I expect a fresh barrage of rage.

No, Cara. His voice is unusually gentle. I am nothing without you.

Look, I can understand wanting to experiment. Lots of girls play with other girls. What if I let you be with her, too? Just give me another chance to show you how much I love you. Please?

What if he lets me? Is he serious?

Dumb question. Of course he is.

"Look. I don't have to ask your permission for anything. Love isn't about ownership. It's about respect-something I don't have for you. Find somebody who does.

Direct your affection toward her."

I hang up before he can respond.

Oh G.o.d, what will he do next?

I've got to get out of here. But first, I have to talk to Dani.

Her Cell Goes Straight Through to voice mail. Turned off. Or dead. Should I call her house?

Why not? It's not like I'm the stalker.

I can always fall back on the old "I'm just a good friend" explanation.

Three rings and her dad picks up.

"Uh, h.e.l.lo. Is Dani there? This is Cara."

Surprisingly, he acknowledges me.

Oh, Cara. Yes, h.e.l.lo. One second, please. The phone moves away from his mouth while he yells, Dani! Phone!

Then he's back. Okay, when am I going to meet you? I've heard so much about you. He reminds me of a Jewish mother, talking to a prospective in-law.

At least, like the Jewish moms on TV.

I had no idea he knew about me.

"Um, any time. Would be great to meet you, too." How much, exactly, does he know? The next voice I hear is Dani's. Hey, girl.

What's up? Oh, hold on... now she and her dad are talking. Okay, he's gone now. What's going on?

"It's Sean. He called. He saw us kissing and he got all weird and went off on me. I hung up on him and now I'm afraid he'll tell everyone." She goes off on me too. So? G.o.d, Cara, why do you want to hide? What are you afraid of? That people will know who you really are? You take pride in the way you look. The clothes you wear. Excelling at everything.

But you're embarra.s.sed by loving me? That is totally messed up.

"I know. I'm sorry. Don't be mad.