Past Passion Part 5

As the week progressed and she worked more closely with Matthew, Nicola found herself discovering aspects of him she would never have guessed existed. Far from being the callous business type she had first imagined, she discovered that he was a very aware and concerned employer, even if he was not a man to allow anyone to take advantage of him.

He was already aware of those members of the firm who worked hard and those who did not and, although he had said nothing specific to her, Nicola suspected that it wouldn't be long before the foreman was replaced.

She liked the way he made use of her own experience and expertise, questioning her closely about their existing contracts, and listening carefully to her answers, consulting her about his proposals for expanding their customer base and discussing with her various aspects of his business as a whole so that she felt her opinions and views were valued.

In fact, if it had not been for her constantly recurring dread that he might one day remember her, she had to admit that she would have thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of working with him, and even perhaps have been regretting the fact that it was only temporary.

He had, he had told her, a very able deputy who was more than capable of taking over the day-to-day overall control of his empire while he got his new business on its feet.

"In fact it will do both Giles and me good. I'm thinking of offering him a partnership eventually. He's engaged to my youngest sister," he added with a smile.

"Although that isn't why I want him as a partner... There comes a point where running a business like this single-handed becomes a way of life, rather than a part of one's life.

I enjoy my work, but I don't want it to become my whole life. One day, hopefully, I shall marry and have children, and when I do. Well, let's just say I don't intend to be an absentee husband and father.

"Have you any plans to get married, Nicola?"

She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. It was just as well she had the past to hold as a barrier between them, otherwise she suspected she might come dangerously close to falling into the cla.s.sic trap and allow herself to become too vulnerable to his very evident appeal. By falling in love with him? Surely even without the past she was far too sensible to commit that kind of folly, even if her heart did beat ridiculously fast when she happened to look up from her work and find him watching her.

If she was ever foolish enough to imagine that the way he was regarding her meant that he was attracted to her, she only had to recall the past to realise how stupid she was being.

Of course it was possible that, following the mores of the times, his own outlook on life had undergone a change, and that he now shunned brief s.e.xual encounters. He wouldn't be on his own in doing so, after all, but she still found it hard to reconcile the man who had so casually taken her home with him, stripped her of her clothes and then made love to her, not once but, according to him, several times, and all without her being able to remember a thing about it, with the same concerned, compa.s.sionate man who was now her employer.

Alan was spending his last week with the firm going round making his farewells to some of his old customers, more at Matthew's behest than at his own instigation.

"It will keep his mind off the trauma of what's happening," Matthew had told Nicola.

"And it will also give us time to organise the buffet luncheon for Friday. I have asked Alan to stay on in an advisory capacity. This firm has been his life, and I suspect he's going to find it very difficult to adjust to life without it."

"He and Mary are leaving the area; they've bought a bungalow on the coast..."

"Yes, I know, and I hope it isn't something he's going to regret--moving away from an area where they've lived all their lives from their friends."

"They have a married daughter and they're moving to be closer to her and their grandchildren," Nicola informed them.

"I think they're both hoping that being with their grandchildren will help to take their minds off the tragedy..."

For a moment both of them were silent, and then Matthew said slowly, "I've often thought that must be one of life's hardest burdens to bear--the death of a child. Now, about this presentation...1 take it there aren't going to be any formal speeches? You did say that Alan had said specifically that he didn't want any fuss. Do you think he would prefer it if I wasn't here...?"

His sensitivity amazed Nicola. Gordon would never have behaved like that, and he, for all his devotion to and fear of his mother, would never have dreamed of asking the advice of a woman whom he deemed to occupy an inferior professional position.

That evening, when her mother remarked how much more cheerful she had begun to look since she started working for her new boss, Nicola coloured up defensively, biting her bottom lip.

"I've heard he's very good-looking," her mother added, apparently oblivious to her confusion.

"Very," Nicola agreed huskily.

"And single..." her mother pressed.

"Yes," Nicola agreed tautly, and then changed the subject, asking, "Has Gordon phoned? We were supposed to be playing tennis this evening."

"Not as far as I know, although I have been out for most of the afternoon."

She was halfway towards the telephone when she stopped suddenly and turned round again. Why should she be the one to ring Gordon when he was the one who had made arrangements for them to play tennis? As she sat down again and poured herself a second cup of tea, she realised how often she was the one who had to get in touch with Gordon, instead of the other way round. Rebelliously she decided that this time she was going to leave it up to him.

It was eight o'clock before Gordon rang her, half an hour after he had arranged to pick her up.

As always these days when he spoke to her, his voice was edgy and defensive.

After she had accepted his explanation that he had been delayed at work, and his apology for neglecting to ring her, she reminded him, "You won't forget that you're picking me up from work on Friday evening will you, Gordon?"

She'd booked her own car in for a service earlier in the week, and Gordon had offered to pick her up and run her to the garage to collect it.

"Of course not," he responded in an injured voice.

After she had replaced the receiver, Nicola admitted that it was probably time their relationship was brought to an end. She certainly derived very little pleasure from his company these days, and she was beginning to suspect that he felt the same way. The very staid and not altogether enjoyable kisses they had once shared had degenerated into a perfunctory peck on the cheek, if she was lucky and, while it had been useful to have a comfortable male partner to escort her at various social functions, she was suddenly becoming aware of how very sterile and depressing she found the time she spent with Gordon.

A little bleakly she found herself comparing Gordon to Matthew. His dates, she was quite sure, were not fobbed off with excuses about the health of his mother, and arid pecks on the cheek at the end of the evening. His dates would not need to fall back on the company of girlfriends to have someone to talk to and laugh with. His dates-Abruptly she tried to stern her dangerous thoughts. What on earth was she thinking. doing? She started to tremble, a small ache erupting deep within her body--a yearning, despairing need . emotions she had sworn she could never, would never allow herself to feel suddenly exploding inside her.

Emotions which she discovered were refusing to go away or be subdued.

That morning, she arrived at work to discover Matt frowningly standing beside her desk.

"I'm sorry. Am I late?" she began, as she walked in.

Immediately his face cleared.

"Did you think I was glowering at you? If so, I obviously haven't made a very good impression on you... No, I was just a little concerned about a telephone call I've had from one of our clients. It seems that Jackson has been pilfering some of the supplies from the job, or so this chap thinks."

Ian Jackson was the foreman in charge of the men, and Nicola's heart sank. She wasn't surprised by the client's complaint, only that they did not receive more. For a long time she had had a strong suspicion that Ian Jackson was involved in the theft of supplies which she knew must be taking place, even though Alan never seemed concerned about it.

"I need to go down to the site and find out what's going on," Matthew told her, adding, "Are you busy here, or would you like to come with me?"

Nicola stared at him, her face flushing a little.

"It's OK, you don't have to," Matthew told her drily.

"I just thought you might like a change from sorting through dead files..."

His reference to all the extra work she had been doing to streamline their paperwork surprised her. She hadn't known he had been aware of all the extra time she had been putting in, and his thoughtfulness now made her warm to him even more, especially when she remembered how initially, when he had first taken over the business, she had thought he was antagonistic to her. Now she suspected that that fear had sprung from her own dread of being recognised by him.

"Well, if you're sure I won't be a nuisance," she said hesitantly.

He was looking at some papers on the desk, but now suddenly he straightened up and turned round to look at her, giving her a look which made her heart turn over and hammer against her ribs.

"I doubt that any man would ever consider you to be a nuisance, Nicola," he told her gravely, 'and I most certainly do not. "

From another man she would have considered the remark to be flirtatious, but it seemed so impossible that Matthew could be flirting with her that she could say nothing, only swallow hard, and then say huskily, "I'll just get my jacket."

Today he was driving the Land Rover, and Nicola was glad that her pleated skirt allowed her to scramble up into it without having to rely on him for a.s.sistance, even though the fact that he stood politely by the pa.s.senger door to ensure that she made it safely into the seat made her feel acutely self-conscious.

She was just about- to close the door when he stopped her, one hand touching her arm lightly as he leaned forward and tucked the hem of her skirt out of the way of the door.

"You've got incredibly delicate wrists and ankles," he told her easily as he smiled into her eyes.

"There's something about that kind of fragility in a woman that makes a man feel immensely protective..."

His hand was still resting lightly against her arm, the heat of his skin burning through the fine fabric of her jacket and her blouse.

Suddenly she had a shockingly clear memory of how he had held her that night at the party--of how his fingers had gripped her wrist then, of how strong she had realised he was, of how vulnerable he had made her feel, of how-Without realising what she was doing, she flinched back from him, the colour leaving her face.

Immediately he frowned and released her, closing the door and walking round to his own side of the Land Rover.

He drove to the site in silence, while Nicola tried to control her sick trembling.

Just for a moment before, she had forgotten the past . forgotten everything but the feeling filling her as he had looked at her.

Why was she reacting to him like that? She knew he was a very attractive man, mentally as well as physically, but she had met attractive men before without her emotions and hormones going haywire.

Or was the cause deeper and more personal? Was it because her body instinctively recognised and remembered his? Because her senses, her femininity knew him? That she. But no. If she couldn't remember what had happened between them, then surely her subconscious would not remember either, and certainly not to such an extent that it was responsible for the way she was feeling right now?

It dismayed her that, after years of believing that s.e.xually she was in full control of herself, she should suddenly start reacting like this and to this man of all men--the very man she ought not to be responding to at all.

And just because he'd paid her a compliment, just because he had for a second looked at her mouth as though. She swallowed hard. As though what? As though he wondered how she would taste . how her lips would feel beneath his . how-Stop it, stop it! she warned herself despairingly. What was happening to her? Why were her own emotions turning traitor on her like this?

The Land Rover stopped, and she realised with a start that they had reached the site. She made I to open the door and get out, but Matthew stopped her.

"It's a bit muddy underfoot. You might slip. Hang on a sec and I'll help you down." j She was trembling long before he opened the door and reached inside to place his hands either side of her waist and swing her down on to the small, firm patch of ground at his feet.

CHAPTER FIVE.

'are you all right? "

Matt's voice was curt, angry almost. She could feel the hot wave of colour burning up under her own skin as she responded equally briefly in the affirmative.

She knew that he must be regretting having asked her to come with him.

What an idiotic thing for her to do. Hadn't she told herself over and over again that, if he hadn't recognised her before he was hardly likely to do so now, unless she gave him cause to do so? And yet here she was, behaving in a way that was bound to make him wonder what was wrong with her.

Ian Jackson had seen them and started walking towards them, defiant arrogance in the look he gave Matthew before stopping in front of him.

The look he gave Nicola made her clench her muscles and look away from him.

She always felt uncomfortable, embarra.s.sed and somehow guilty when she was confronted by overt male s.e.xual appraisal, especially when it was accompanied by the kind of insulting, unspoken att.i.tude typified by men like Ian Jackson. The way he looked at her made her want to turn and run away from him. It made her feel threatened and vulnerable, and in some way as though something about her, something she had done, was responsible for his att.i.tude towards her . like a rape victim believing that in some way she herself had encouraged her attacker without knowing how she might have done so. Nicola knew that this fear was directly attributable to the night she had met Matthew for the first time, and that it had its roots in her own reckless behaviour on that occasion.

As she looked away from Ian, fixing her gaze on some point beyond him, she was astonished when Matthew moved towards her, almost coming to stand between Ian and herself, as though he sensed what she was feeling and wanted to rea.s.sure her, to protect her. She was fantasising again, she derided herself, allowing emotions she had no right to feel take hold of her.

The sharp intensity of her awareness of Matt confused and alarmed her.

When she moved away, instinctively trying to distance herself not just physically from him, but mentally from her own emotional reaction to him, he turned his head and looked at her.

It was only a brief glance--not a glance which she would ever haVe described as s.e.xual or intimidating--and yet oddly it made her feel very much aware of herself as a woman and of him as a man.

This was getting ridiculous, she told herself shakily as she deliberately broke eye-contact with him. She was letting the past influence and overwhelm her judgement.

Matthew was speaking to Ian Jackson, telling him coolly and clinically about the complaints he had received.

Truculently Ian started to defend himself, his defence carrying veiled references to his influence over the men and the fact that certain 'perks' were a time-honoured tradition of the job.

Matt refused to give way, and Nicola could only admire the firmness with which he handled the situation.

When they eventually left the site, the foreman had been left in no doubt as to who was now in charge of the company, and of the manner in which Matt expected his employees to carry out their work.

On their way back to the Land Rover they had to walk past several of the men. Instinctively Nicola made a small detour to avoid coming too physically close to them.

It was only when she had circ.u.mvented them that she realised mat Matt was watching her rather oddly. She could feel herself flushing.

It was an ingrained habit now, this need she had to keep as much physical distance between herself and the male s.e.x--but not because she feared she might be approached or attacked. No, the reason for her behaviour had its roots in the night she met Matthew and the self-disgust which had been born in her then . a disgust which had been reinforced by Jonathon's sneeringly derogatory comments to her afterwards. She had told herself then that never, ever again would she give any man any reason to believe that she was encouraging him to think of her as s.e.xually available.

She looked away from Matt now, her heart hammering with a mixture of fear and awareness.

She had seen the curiosity in his eyes, the thoughtfulness . the way he watched her wary, slightly uncoordinated movements, her tension as she hurried past the group of watching men.

By the time they reached the Land Rover her nervousness had increased.

Not caring how inelegant she might look, she scrambled up into the pa.s.senger seat and sat tensely there as Matt climbed much more easily in beside her.

They were halfway back to the office when Matt said quietly, "If any of the male members of the company are guilty of hara.s.sing female staff I should like to know about it. Not only because I disapprove on principle of men subjecting women to embarra.s.sing and sometimes intimidating overtures they don't want, but also because there could be a very real threat of us losing business through such an att.i.tude."

Nicola bit her lip and gripped her hands together, shaking her head, knowing that, apart from the foreman, all the other men, while sometimes teasing the female employees, were not aggressive or unpleasant in their manner, and she certainly could not imply that they were just to save herself embarra.s.sment.

"They ... the men are all very pleasant," she told him huskily.

There was a small pause, and then he enquired drily, "Does that include Jackson?"

When she turned her head he was looking at her, a searching, intense look, which, if the past hadn't lain so painfully on her conscience, would have made her feel that there was nothing, no matter how personal, which she could not confide to him. A feeling of deep and intense sadness rolled through her, like grey clouds obscuring the sun, sending her spirits plummeting downwards.

"Ian isn't one of my favourite people," she agreed, adding quickly, 'but the other men--' Matt didn't allow her to finish.

"That kind of att.i.tude from one man, especially one in the position which he holds, can all too easily influence the others, and I won't have it. As I said, it could affect us adversely where business is concerned. More and more women these days are making the decisions about extensions and so on to their homes, more and more women are single parents. When they have building work done they don't want to have to deal with someone like Jackson and, let's face it, when he and the men are on site they are virtually the only representatives of the company that our customers see."

"The men respect him," Nicola pointed out.