Over Hill And Dale Part 14

Harold took a deep, steadying breath. "Yes, of course," he replied. "You are quite right. It was a slip of the tongue. It's just that most science inspectors seem to be men."

"All the more reason for appointing a woman, I would have thought," I added.

"It would, of course, be splendid if we were able to appoint a woman," replied Harold. "Actually, when we were short listing for the English post we all thought that Gervase was'

"A woman!" exclaimed Sidney.

"Weller yes," Harold stuttered. "I'm sure Gervase will be the first to admit he has a most unusual name and it does sound ... oh dear .. . I'm digging in deeper aren I?"

"It's all right, Harold," I laughed, "I'm used to it. I often get letters addressed to Ms Phinn."

"But seriously, Harold," persisted Sidney, "I think it would be an extremely sensible move to have a woman on the team. The thing is, a woman inspector would offer a very positive role model for all the female science and technology teachers and female students in the county and, of course, an attractive, intelligent, bubbly young woman would add a little verve and colour to this drab cubicle we euphemistically describe as an office. You could go in for a bit of positive discrimination."

"Now, who's being s.e.xist?" spluttered David. "Why has she got to be an attractive, intelligent, bubbly young woman? It's not a beauty contest she's competing in, you know."

"Oh, I don't think there will be any positive discrimination," said Harold thoughtfully. "I think not. The CEO and the Education Committee would not go along with that. This is Yorkshire after all. They will want the best candidate for the job, regardless of s.e.x."

"Gender," corrected Sidney, 'regardless of gender."

"Look!" said Harold. "I came in today really excited about the prospect of another member for our team. I do wish you would stop nit-picking, Sidney. Now, if you could all bear with me for one moment, without interrupting, I shall go through the new procedures."

"What new procedures?" asked David.

"If you would give me the chance," cried Harold, "I will tell you! Thank you. Now, things will be rather different from when Gervase was appointed last year."

"Did they think they got it wrong, then?" asked Sidney, giving me a wry smile.

"Not at all, it's just that Dr. Gore feels we need to refine the process and update it. Mrs. Savage'

David grimaced distastefully. "I thought she would be lurking in the background somewhere, like the Ghost of Christmas Past," he growled. "Is she going to appoint the school inspectors now? It wouldn't surprise me in the least. She has those long, red-nailed fingers in every other pie."

"Not at all!" said Harold. "I really do think that you are rather hard on Mrs. Savage, David. She's a very industrious and efficient woman, a little on the sharp side with people, maybe, but that's the way with her. Underneath that very steely exterior'

"There beats a heart of iron?" concluded David.

"The woman is irritating beyond endurance," agreed Sidney. "You ask Gervase about the industrious and efficient Mrs. Savage."

"Please don't bring me into this," I said. "The last person I wish to talk about is Mrs. Savage."

"She was supposed to send Gervase all the information for another Fee-Fo meeting and, for the second time, deliberately withheld it from him to make him look a fool."

"No, Sidney," I began, 'it wasn't exactly like that and I certainly didn't say that I was made to look a fool. In fact'

"And he had to attend the meeting with all these big-wigs," continued Sidney obliviously, 'bereft of the necessary papers. For the second time running. When he phoned her up, rather than being apologetic, the vixen said that she had been under the impression he was going to collect them. Furthermore'

"Sidney," I interrupted, "I am quite capable of explaining what happened myself I turned to face Harold. "It was just a misunderstanding, Harold. Mrs. Savage said that she would send me the minutes, new agenda and all the accompanying papers for last week's planning meeting just as soon as she received them, but then later denied this and said she had asked me to collect them from her office and'

"Look, can we hear about the new procedures?" said David in an exasperated voice. "It has gone six and I was hoping to get home before midnight."

"Yes, yes, of course," said Harold. "But that has just reminded me. I would like to have an update from you sometime, Gervase, about how the Feoffees' event is progressing'

"The new procedures, Harold," sighed David, drumming his fingers on his desk.

"Well, as I was about to say, Mrs. Savage has recently attended a course on selection procedures and has come back with some ideas which Dr. Gore is really taken with. He's going to try out some modern and rigorous techniques. I will be drawing up the shortlist of the final five candidates as usual, but I shall also be attending the interviews myself this time. For the first part of the day, the candidates will sit a short sociometric test before meeting a selection of primary school head teachers in an informal setting. At this point, some preliminary judgements will be made. I thought perhaps Sister Brendan and Miss Pilkington and three others could be invited along. After morning coffee, each candidate will make a fifteen-minute presentation to the interview panel of councillors, Dr. Gore and myself. It will be on some topical issue related to science education. Following this, he or she will be asked a series of pertinent questions on his or her presentation. Lunch will be with three secondary head teachers and the candidates will again be a.s.sessed in an informal setting. In the afternoon they will sit a written paper and this will be followed by the formal interviews. It should all be over by about five-thirty and the successful candidate will be informed at the end of the day."

"Is that all they have to do?" asked Sidney. "What about hang-gliding from the clock tower at County Hall while singing selections from Oklahoma or making a model of Buckingham Palace out of used matchsticks whilst performing a limbo dance beneath the CEO's desk?"

"I have to admit that it does sound like the Spanish Inquisition!" exclaimed David. "I'm certainly glad I didn't have all that carry-on to go through when I was appointed in the dim and distant past. If you were warm and breathing, then they gave you the job. I was in and out of the interview room in no time at all."

"When I was interviewed," Sidney told us, "I tripped over the carpet going into the Council Chamber, tottered forward, gripped the first hand in sight to get my balance which happened to belong to a military-looking county councillor with a bright red face and after that it was all plain sailing. I think he thought I was giving him some kind of Masonic handshake." "I'm certainly glad I didn't have to go through all that last year," I said. "The single interview was stressful enough."

"I agree," said David sadly. "I don't think I'd get over the first hurdle if I was put through all the things you've planned for these poor souls, Harold."

"We have to move with the times," said Harold. "Now, I would like you all to arrive at the Staff Development Centre at about five-thirty on the day of the interviews on March ist. Could you just check in your diaries that you are available?"

"St. David's Day!" exclaimed our resident Welshman. "Well, I hope we are not going to be long. We're having a Welsh evening at the Golf Club. Anyway, Harold, why do we have to be there? Are the candidates to get a further grilling from us? Do I twist the thumbscrews, turn the rack or pour the boiling oil?"

"Just be a good chap, David, and look in your diary," said Harold.

"Do you hear that, Gervase?" announced Sidney, smiling broadly. "You are to attend another interview and have the opportunity to wear that red and yellow monstrosity you fancifully call a suit."

"Don't mention the suit," I warned him, flicking through my diary. "Why do you want us there, Harold?"

"It's for you three to meet the successful candidate," Harold told us. "Gervase, after you were appointed, you mentioned that it would have been rather nice if you had been given the opportunity of meeting your new colleagues, so I intend to put that suggestion into practice. And another thing you mentioned was that you would have welcomed the chance of visiting some schools prior to taking up your post. I shall be arranging that for our new colleague as well. Before he or she starts, I would like you, David, to take him or her into some secondary science lessons and you, Gervase, to spend a day with him or her observing some primary design technology work." Harold bent down to retrieve his briefcase from the floor. "Well, I think that's everything unless someone has something to ask."

Julie, who had been standing by the door listening, raised her hand. "Could I ask something, Dr. Yeats?"

"Of course, Julie, what is it?"

"Where is he, she or it going to sit? On top of the bookcase? In a filing cabinet? On the window sill? This office is already overcrowded. You'll never get another desk and cupboard in here. Tom Thumb would have difficulty finding a place to stand."

"Perhaps you could positively discriminate in favour of the smallest candidate, Harold," suggested Sidney flippantly. "Someone about four foot tall and as thin as a rake."

"And what about all the added typing and filing," continued Julie, ignoring the interruption, 'and all the extra running about I'll have to do, with another inspector filling up my in-tray? And then there's the coffee'

"Julie, Julie," Harold rea.s.sured her, 'let's try and be positive. We are in desperate need of someone to take on the extra work. I am certain that all these little internal difficulties can be overcome. I shall have a word with Mrs. Savage and see if she can arrange a little extra secretarial help and sort out the room situation."

"Oh, well, if you have a word with Mrs. Savage, the fount of all knowledge," said David sarcastically, 'all our problems will be solved. She'll just wave her magic wand or, more appropriately, wiggle her witch's broomstick, and everything will be fine. One could not hope for a kinder, more considerate, co-operative, easy-going, invariably cheerful and generally all-round likeable person than the ever-helpful Mrs. Savage."

Harold gave a great heaving sigh. "I just hope our new colleague has a sense of humour, a thick skin and the patience of a saint."

The day of the interviews arrived. Harold was in the office early, as were we all that morning to find out who had been short listed for the post. Harold was dressed in an extremely smart dark blue suit, a crisp white shirt and college tie, highly polished black shoes, and he carried a leather-backed clipboard.

"My goodness, you look very debonair, Harold," remarked Sidney.

"You look like a game show host with that clipboard," added David. "So, who have you called for interview then?"

"Well, I can't stay long because I need to be at the SD C for eight-thirty to meet the candidates but, briefly, there are five up for the post, including, you will be pleased to hear, Sidney, some women. There's a Mr. Carey Price-Williams'

"Oh, well, he must be all right with a name like that," interrupted David.

"Can't be doing with folk who adopt double-barrelled names," said Sidney. "In my experience, they are inevitably pompous and self-opinionated people who can't make up their minds. And one Welshman in this team is quite enough. Get two of you lot together and you start singing "Men of Harlech" and talking in Welsh."

"Welsh is a most mellifluous language," David told us. "It ought to be compulsory in schools."

"The other morning when you were rabbi ting on to your wife on the phone, in that guttural, spluttery language of yours, I nearly gave you the kiss of life. I thought you'd got a bone stuck in your throat."

"Sidney," said David in a patient tone of voice, 'your a.n.a.logy about my speaking Welsh has become rather hackneyed now. I have heard that little witticism of yours a good few times now."

"Gentlemen," cried Harold, trying to suppress a smile, 'if I may continue. There's a Mr. Thomas Wilson, a Miss er, Ms Jennifer Black, a Dr. Gerry Mullarkey -'

"I bet you any money we get the crusty old doctor," sighed Sidney, leaning back expansively in his chair and putting his hands behind his head. "I can just picture the old buffer. He'll be a dry, dusty physicist with gla.s.ses like the bottoms of milk bottles and grey frizzy hair sticking up like wire wool and he'll have as much conversation as a dead sheep'

"May I remind you, Sidney," I said, 'what you thought I would look like. Didn't you have a bet on that, with a name like mine, I would be a huge, red-headed Irishman?"

"Exactly," began Harold. "One cannot judge a person by his or her name'

"Take the name Clamp, for example," interposed David. "Now what sort of person does that conjure up? Clamp? Something hard, metallic and with jaws like a shark."

"And you couldn't be more mistaken about Dr. Mullarkey," Harold continued. "The application was very impressive Dr. Mullarkey is extremely well qualified, with a range of experience and excellent references."

"And no sense of humour."

"Not at all, Sidney," began Harold, "Dr. Mullarkey sounds extremely lively and enthusiastic '

"Wasn't Dr. Mullarkey a villain in Sherlock Holmes, Gervase?" asked Sidney suddenly, going off on one of his customary tangents.

"No, that was Professor Moriaty," I said.

"I wonder if he really exists. It's a very strange name is Mullarkey. It sounds a tad suspicious to me. It could be a pseudonym."

"You said the same thing when Gervase applied, if I remember rightly," remarked David, 'and, despite his name, he's turned out not too bad."

"Thank you for those few kind words," I said.

"Look," interrupted Harold," I came in here for five minutes, not for a detailed a.n.a.lysis of each candidate. I must be off."

"Hang on a minute, Harold!" cried Sidney. "You have only mentioned four, only one of whom is a woman. Who's the fifth candidate?"

Harold consulted his clipboard. "A Miss Gloria Goodwood."

"Now that's more like it!" chortled Sidney. "Gloria Goodwood. She sounds like the heroine in a romantic novel: young, sylph-like, alluring, with a ma.s.s of auburn hair falling like a burnished cascade over her alabaster shoulders. I bet you Gloria would add a little sophistication and glamour to the office. What's she like?"

"If she is successful," replied Harold, his voice noncommittal, 'you will see Miss Goodwood at five-thirty at the Staff Development Centre. I look forward to seeing you all later this afternoon to meet your new colleague." With that Harold departed.

I spent the day working on the plans for those events for which I was responsible at the Feoffees Pageant which was to be held at Manston Hall at the end of May. Schools had provided me with a mountain of children's poetry and stories based on famous characters from history. I sorted out a good selection and at lunch-time took it over to Willingforth Primary School where the Headteacher and staff had agreed to mount the material on display boards. Pupils from three different schools were to perform some short plays on historical themes, and I spent the afternoon calling into each school to see how things were going. Sidney had arranged for an exhibition of children's art, David a gymnastics display and the County Youth Orchestra would give a performance on the lawn at Manston Hall so the Education Department would be well represented.

I was secretly relieved that my efforts to organise the essay and public speaking compet.i.tions on the theme of customs and traditions had not been required. I had so much on, I really had not relished organising such a complicated and time-consuming initiative. When head teachers had explained that the students would be up to their eyes in examinations and would not have the time to prepare, I seized the chance to wriggle out of the task.

All communication with Mrs. Savage about the Feoffees Pageant had been undertaken by notes and memoranda. I had been very careful to record all the arrangements we had agreed upon and I had made certain Dr. Gore had been sent a copy. My promise to liaise had been kept -even if I had ducked meeting with the Snow Queen in person.

As instructed, I arrived at the Centre at the appointed time. Connie, wearing her predictably flat expression, was standing as usual in her familiar pose with arms folded in the centre of the entrance hall like some night-club bouncer. She was facing up to Sidney and David who had obviously arrived only seconds before.

"Top o' the evenin' to you, Connie," Sidney was saying effusively. "How are we on this beautiful, mild St. David's Day? And here comes Mr. Phinn, look you."

"I'm very well, thank you. I hope you've parked your car well away from the front doors, Mr. Clamp, and you as well, Mr. Phinn, because it's a health and safety hazard to block my entrance. Wipe your feet, please, Mr. Pritchard, I've just done that floor."

"I would not dream of blocking your entrance, Connie!" exclaimed Sidney.

"I've had to remind you before now. And, if you're expecting something to drink, you're out of luck because there's no milk and I'm all out of biscuits. All those councillors and candidates have gone through four pints of gold top and two boxes of Garibaldis."

"It's so good to find you in such a cheerful mood, Connie," remarked Sidney, 'and for us to receive such a hearty welcome on St. David's Day. It warms the c.o.c.kles of my heart." With that, he set off at a hearty speed in the direction of the lounge area.

"Speaking of c.o.c.kles, Mr. Clamp," said Connie pursuing him, 'when are you intending moving them sh.e.l.ls, pebbles, dried seaweed and stuffed seagulls you were using on your art course last Christmas? They're taking up room. It's like Blackpool beach in there."

"I shall remove them this very day," replied Sidney, swivelling round with a great beaming smile on his face. "Now, what are the candidates like, Connie? Do tell."

"Well, there's a big, hairy man who has a lot to say for himself." She dipped her head to the side in Sidney's direction. "A bit like you, Mr. Clamp, but he's Welsh."

"Ever the flatterer, Connie," smiled Sidney.

"There's a nicely spoken woman of about forty-five and a very sour-faced individual in a shiny suit."

"Dr. Mullarkey," added Sidney knowingly. "I don't know what he's called," continued Connie, 'but he was very off-hand with me when I asked him to hex ting-uish his pipe. I can't see how he could make a very good inspector when he couldn't read any of the "No Smoking" signs I have around the Centre. I've even got them on the back of the door in the men's toilets, so he couldn't miss them. I told him he was a health and safety hazard and he gave me such a look the sort of look my little grandson used to make when he couldn't have an ice cream. "A face like a smacked bottom", as my mother used to say."

Sidney threw himself into a chair and sighed heavily.

"And the other candidates?" I enquired.

"There was a very friendly young woman. The only one to offer to help me dry the dishes. Very chatty and cheerful, with a lot about her. I took to her."

"That will be Glorious Goodbody," purred Sidney.

"And what about the last one?" asked David.

"Look, Mr. Pritchard!" snapped Connie. "I don't spend all day standing about watching people, you know."

"Of course, you don't, Connie," sighed Sidney. "Perish the thought."

"Anyway, I hope they're not going to be much longer. I've got to do the toilets before I finish. And would you three move into the staff room? I have the carpet to vacuum in here yet. It's those councillors leaving all them crumbs."

As the hand on the Centre clock ticked towards six, Sidney, David and I were still huddled in the small staff room, getting increasingly impatient.

"You would think that after nine hours of interrogation, they would have picked someone by now," complained Sidney. "I have the annual general meeting of the West Challerton Artists' Society at seven-thirty and I need to get home, have a shower, make something to eat and go through my report."

"And I don't intend staying much longer," said David. "I've got a committee meeting at the Golf Club tonight and I want to raise the matter, yet again, of uneven paving slabs. After the meeting it being St. David's Day I am introducing the Cwmbran Male Voice Choir and I need to be there in good time."

"And I am speaking to the Parent Teacher a.s.sociation at Brindcliffe," I added.