Outside The Ropes: OtherSide Of Fear Part 8

He didnt push the kiss, but like a tide rising, it escalated, moment by steady moment. His arms wrapped around me, lifting me onto his lap, and his tongue slid across my lips. When I slid mine into his mouth, he pushed me back into the couch with his body as his hands moved up my waist to my ribs.

I ran my hands under his shirt, feeling the smooth muscles, tracing the lines of him with the tips of my fingers, familiar yet exciting. Breaking the kiss, I moved my lips to his jaw, tasting down his neck with a small moan as his hands cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

He pulled his hands from me as he inched away. None of him touched me, but he hovered close enough that I was still surrounded in his heat. "Im sorry. I didnt mean to take it this far, but I have missed you. I missed this." He dropped his head, pulling at the ends of my shirt to cover my exposed stomach. "But we should talk."

I slid my hands around his neck, keeping him from pulling away. "Promise me well talk, after. But right now, I think we need this. We need to be connected, to remember whats good about us." I couldnt handle seeing him so broken. The constant tears in his eyes tonight were too much. I needed to feel his strength, to let him take mine if need be. I wanted him sure in us before he spoke because his doubt in our ability to make it was what scared me the most in all this. He was always the one that fought for us. I needed that back. I wanted him back.

He sucked in air between his teeth, eyes drinking me in as I pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor.

"I promise, Ill tell you everything." He dropped his body to mine, lips colliding and weight pressing me to the chair. Then he lifted me up, guiding my legs around his waist as he rose to standing, kissing me like I wanted him to, like I was his oxygen. He didnt break the kiss as he walked us back to the bedroom, all hesitation gone from his movements.

In this moment, he knew exactly what he wanted-me. And I could finally let go of the fear strangling my heart because whatever he told me couldnt break this, the bond we had, the chemistry that was more than s.e.x. It was a soul deep connection that flared and ignited when we were together.

He trailed kisses down my stomach as he laid me on the bed. His fingers hooked over the elastic of the yoga pants I wore, sliding them down my leg. Hot kisses followed the path, over my thighs and calves.

"Babe. Youll always have my heart. I love you," he sighed, kneeling between my legs, looking over me with care and adoration. And desire.

I pushed myself up to sitting and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling it over his head. "I love you too." I kissed along his shoulders, running my hands down his back. "I always will." Raising my head to meet his eyes, I repeated. "Always."

Then he brought his lips to mine, both of us collapsing back on the bed with the force of it, sealing in our words. They had to be true. Always. I couldnt take any less.

It took barely a second for him to kick off his pants, and he didnt break the kiss. In another second he was sliding into me, a searing heat melting me like b.u.t.ter. We both paused at first, meeting each others gaze, searching for something. His eyes were no longer clouded with doubt, but clear and bright, determined.

"Always," he gasped as he pumped into me, driving in the promise or delicious threat.

He continued his promises with every joining, in between kisses and groans. My head was spinning too much for me to speak or think. I could only feel him, nerves firing, lit up like sparklers by his touch.

But I absorbed his words, like I absorbed his touch, this moment. I could feel his need and love, and I could feel his strength and a.s.surance increasing the deeper he went, till finally the dam holding us broke and we both released into each other. Emotions flooded out with our o.r.g.a.s.m. He pressed his cheek to mine, whispering in my ear as he rolled me into the crook of his arm, still inside me, holding me close.

"I need you. I need you to understand. Keep fighting for me. Im going to try and be worth it. Im so sorry. I love you. I love you." His cheeks were slick against mine, tears falling as he spoke. His thumbs glided under my eyes, wiping away my tears as he rambled on the apology I wanted but didnt need to hear. I felt it.

He continued to move in me, slow rolls of his hips that picked up speed and intensity only to slow back down as his lips moved over mine, stretching out the moment, a moment that I was more than happy to stay in, not wanting to think beyond. I was floating, surrounded by him.

We moved in this intoxicating ebb and flow until there was nothing left between us. We were left bare and open, vulnerable, but safe with each other. He invited me into the dark, and I joined him willingly. In this moment we belonged to each other, and the power and surety in that charged us both, filling the parts of me he had left empty these past months.

When we both lay exhausted, tangled in each others slick and heated embrace, we let the sound of our breathing and heartbeats comfort us. As our bodies stilled, the cool air of the room touched us, absorbing our heat and sweat, leaving goose b.u.mps in its wake. The sheets were kicked off the bed at some point, scattered on the floor. I held tighter to Gages waist, trapping warmth between us, doing my best to not let go of this moment.

But I felt the shift in the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing shallowed and sped up. And I knew I had to let him talk. I had to trade in the comfort I felt in his arms, for this temporary moment, so this man could spill his secrets and hopefully find relief in doing so. So we could find this comfort with each other more often.

His fingers dragged circles on my arm. His whispered words echoed in his chest, under my ear. "Are you tired?"

I shook my head and looked to the clock on our nightstand table. It was only 8:45, still early. The beat of his heart was light and quick and his nerves transferred to me, tensing my drained muscles.

His arms tightened around me, and he rolled us so I was on my back with him pressed on top of me, sinking me into the mattress. When he lifted his head to look at me, I saw the flash of panic there before he closed his eyes and kissed me with trembling lips. It was a soft, brief kiss that sent a chill through me.

"You ready to do this tonight?" His eyes darted over me, looking for any hesitation.

"Im ready. Itll be all right." I moved my hands to his face, his stubble rough beneath my palms as they slid to the back of his head. My fingers gripped his still damp hair, and I pulled him back down to me, kissing him this time to wipe away the chill his kiss had left.

He dropped his weight on me, large hands moving to my head, palms cupping my face as his fingers slipped through my hair. He took over the kiss, his tongue dipping into my mouth a couple of times before he stilled.

His lips moved over mine as he spoke, "All right." He pulled back suddenly and rolled off of me so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to me. "We should get dressed."

I slid my hand to his back, knots tightening in my stomach as I raised myself up behind him. "Do we have to? We could talk like this, right now."

He leaned forward, sliding his boxers back on his legs. As he sat up, he looked at me over his shoulder. "Yeah. We need to." He stood, making my hand drop off of him, and searched the floor. He tossed my shirt to me. "Get dressed," his words were heavy with regret.

I dressed quickly and waited on the edge of the bed for him to finish. He carefully turned his inside out shirt right side out, an act that extended over the heavy silence, pressing on my patience.

When his shirt was situated and on, stretched over his wide shoulders, our eyes met. I gripped the sheets on the mattress, keeping myself from speaking or moving. This was his thing; Id let him start it his way.

He stepped to his dark suitcase that was on the ground and nudged it with his foot. "That c.o.ke is mine."

I hated the way he watched me for a reaction, like he had expectations for how I would respond. I tried to keep the pain off my face, but my mind immediately flashed to that time I saw him use at Rusnaks club, and my stomach tore as if I was there again. The sting of my nails biting into the fleshy part of my palm pulled me from the memory, but I couldnt keep the questions from tumbling out.

"How much, how often?" there was barely any breath behind my words.

He didnt break his stare from mine as he shrugged one shoulder, the rest of him statue still.

"Why? Are you completely giving up on boxing?" That was the one part of him that had been constant. My head pounded, making my vision waver.

"I dont know." He ran his hand over the back of his neck. With a deep breath, he stepped towards me. "I dont know what Im doing right now. Im stuck in this place where Im not sure. f.u.c.k, I dont want to stop boxing. But I dont see how I can continue this way, divided. You and boxing, I was ready to give it up, but..." He sat on the edge of the bed, but not close enough to touch.

I fought down my thoughts, trying to wait for him to explain, but they kept popping up. The worst ones caused doubt to grow like a vine. He was ready to give me up for drugs?

"Youre willing to stay." He slid close and grabbed my hand. "And I cant let you go. And that changes everything. I cant keep doing the same things. Ive got to come up with a new plan, for you."

"Wait." I lifted my hand from his, cutting off his words. "Well come up with a plan together, but first you need to explain. I need to know. Everything. Starting with the drugs, how bad is it, Gage?"

He dropped his head to his hands, elbows resting on his knees. "Its hard. Its everywhere. I started when I was young to keep up with the late nights, the trainings, the men around me. But I always kept it under control, never going too far. It was all part of doing business. But now, I use it to stop the noise." He rose off his hands, looking directly at me. "I know Im letting you down. Every. f.u.c.king. Day. You are the single most important thing in my life, and I promised to put you first, to keep you safe. Yet, everything Ive been doing goes against that. And Im a f.u.c.king coward because I use that," he pointed to the suitcase, contempt filling his voice, "to escape my guilt. Its the only time I can stop caring."

I stared at the floor, unable to look at him as the words settled, but I wasnt really seeing anything. My muscles tightened to the point of breaking. It let him stop caring. That scared me because his suitcase held that escape. I knew the power of drugs and how they could quickly become the most important thing in his life, replacing me.

"And now? What are you going to do now?" I looked at him, pushing through my fear. "Can you stop?"

A few breaths pa.s.sed as our gazes locked. "Yes. I will. I promise, Im going to try." He dipped his head, looking up at me through thick eyelashes. "I need you, I know that. I knew that even when I was pushing you away, but I was trying to do what I thought was best for you. But since youre staying, my decisions need to be clear, smart. I can do this for us. For you." His blue eyes met mine fully, challenging me. "Do you still trust me?"

I hesitated a moment, answering carefully. "I want to."

"You have to." He cut into my words, surprising me with his intensity. He grabbed my hand and dropped his eyes to my ring as he traced over it lightly. His voice came out softer, "I have to trust you more too, I know. I have to trust that you can handle this, but..."

"I trust that you want to keep me safe, and I know whatever is going on is scaring you." I lowered my head to make him meet my eyes. "And thats why youve kept so much from me, but these secrets hurt. As long as youre honest we can get that trust back, and we can get through this. So just tell me."

He dropped my hand and swiped his palm over his face, releasing his breath with a groan. "All right. Youre right." His leg bounced under his elbow. "Ill tell you."

"A couple of weeks ago, just after I took over the club a guy came in and took one of the girls to a private room and pulled a knife on her." He spoke fast, forcing the story out without emotion. "But she had her own blade in her boot and stabbed him, getting away long enough to press the b.u.t.ton for a bouncer. By time I got there, the bouncer, Paul, had him knocked out, but Cherry was beat and bleeding from where he had sliced her across her chest. Paul said the guy had been saying this was a warning to Viktor." He paused looking at me, and I saw the chaos of memory in his eyes.

"We took care of it quietly, got her help and took the guy to the back to question, but he died. Bled out before I could find out how the f.u.c.k he knew to put the club with Viktor. n.o.body was supposed to know that connection except Alessandra and a few others, n.o.body outside of the organization. Not anybody in the club, not even Ian, knew that."

"I went to Viktor with this new information and he promised to look into it. A few days later he gave me a list of names." He took a breath, dropping his eyes to his hands clasped in his lap. "I had been muscle for Anatoli before, but this was different. I didnt need to force information from them. They didnt owe us money. I was only supposed to kill them, as quickly and quietly as possible." His fingers pressed together, turning white with the pressure, voice icy as he explained. "I was so angry that someone had come into my club and hurt my girls, I had to send my own message."

I flinched at his claim on the girls, his girls. But he didnt notice, eyes not on me as he spoke.

"That couldnt happen without consequence, so I did it. Over the next couple of weeks, I killed the men on the list. And each time it became harder to return to you, to hide this side of me that I was getting more and more comfortable with. And then, this last one..." his eyes closed with a deep breath and then he looked up at me. "Wednesday night, when I was out all night. That was the last one."

I remembered him coming home in changed clothes, his distance and frustration, the way he had tried to cling to me.

He stood and paced in front of me. Agitation spilled out of every movement. His hands clenched into fists and then stretched repeatedly. "He was lured out the back of the bar he was at, just as planned, but then others showed up in the alley, like it had been expected." He paused, fist hitting his forehead, trying to make sense of the event. "What was supposed to be one kill turned into three, but thats not the worst part. An employee stepped out at the end, and I shot him." He looked to me then, his haunted eyes large in his pale face and voice barely a whisper. "I shot him without thinking twice. He opened the door, and I shot him without giving him a chance. And for what? Viktor?" Gage closed his eyes. "Ive been trying to forget, but I cant."

I couldnt speak as the weight of his story settled around us. But I rose to my feet and pulled his hand to guide him back to sitting on the bed. He didnt resist. All the while I searched for the words to say.

I stood between his legs, cupping his face to make him look up at me. "You cant forget, but...it wasnt for Viktor. You were protecting yourself. He could have been with them, you wouldnt have known."

He met my eyes for a moment, and then pulled my hands away with a sigh. "I try and tell myself the same thing, but even if he was, whats the difference between the men I killed and myself. Dont I deserve the same thing they do?"

"No." I was quick to answer, but that was only emotion, not logic. "You werent just protecting yourself either. Those men, whoever they were with, were willing to hurt girls to send a message. Who knows what they would have done next."

He grabbed my hips and shifted me to sit next to him, shaking his head. "On better days, I try and make the same excuse but its bulls.h.i.t. Maybe they would have come back into the club, maybe they wouldnt have. Truth is, I killed them because Viktor told me to."

I couldnt make excuses for him. I closed my eyes as a whirlwind whipped through me. He had to listen to Viktor, and by staying with him, I was under Viktors control as well. This was the choice I had made to be with him. I doubted my sanity but gripped his hand in rea.s.surance, my lifeline.

"What happened to the girl from the first night?" I pulled a question from my thoughts, trying to process the story.

"She has a nasty cut across the top of her chest, but shes okay. I offered her money so she wouldnt have to work but she wanted to stay. She doesnt dance anymore, but tends bar. Shes..." He shook his head. "Shes strong. The other girls like her, so shes sort of become their manager. She handles any issues with them. Shes made herself useful."

My stomach turned inside out, fear creeping over me, making my muscles shake. Could I really be okay with all of this? What type of person did that make me?

His strong features melted as he waited on me, and I wanted nothing more than to help ease his burden. My mind couldnt wrap around the idea of him being cruel, as nave as that may be. But there were still pieces that didnt make sense.

"And what about Vegas? Why did you leave?"

His eyes cut to me, and I knew I had hit an important part of the story.

"That night at the club with Dexter, what that guy said about the wh.o.r.e house, I contacted Alessandra after."

A jealousy ate at my heart with that. We had fought and he reached out to her, but I forced it down to listen.

"I told her that any of the girls who doubled on the streets couldnt dance at the club anymore, they needed to be separate. That man was just talking, but we couldnt afford rumors like that, and after everything Id done for Viktor, I was in a position to demand these things. So it was agreed. Id lose three girls, but I could handle that, we had enough. Ian already had Cherry readjusting the schedule." He shifted his shoulders, uncomfortable. "The clubs known for having new faces. I told you before the girls are on work visas, so theres constant rotation. But then that morning, Cherry received a call from one of the girls, she had been yelling for help." His eyes were dark and haunted. "We still havent found her."

10: Only.

I FOLDED WITH THE FORCE OF THE news and covered my mouth to keep down the bile that threatened, burning my throat. His words repeated in my mind, spiraling my thoughts down into memories I never wanted to revisit.

The room around me dissolved into the dark, run down room that had been my prison. The scar on my stomach burned, the feel of a blade all too easy to remember.

My body wasnt my own. A cold numbness took over, stealing all feeling, all thoughts. But it was easier that way and protected me from going too deep into my nightmare.

It was only when I opened my eyes that I realized I was in Gages arms. His hands moved quickly up and down my back, trying to coax me out. His lips were moving, saying something, but it took a moment for the words to break through.

"Its too much." His eyes darted over me, panic brightening the blue. "I knew this was too much, thats why I didnt want to tell you. n.o.body has to know you know, you can go-"

"Dont." I pulled back, but he kept his arms circled around me. "Not that again. I just..." I took a breath, forcing the memories down. "Im all right, it was just a shock. Its a lot to take in." Icicles were painful under my skin, freezing and stabbing as I tried to take in air. My fingertips were frozen; I trapped them between my knees for warmth and to stop their bone aching vibrations.

"I didnt mean it like that, like before." Gages hands were hot as they slid down my bare arms and grabbed my hands, pulling them into the warmth of his body. "Youre handling this better than I thought, better than I did. I wasnt thinking straight earlier, it was all getting to me, and I didnt want it to touch you. I dont want you hurt by any of it." He circled his arms back around me, his warmth creeping into the cold that had me trapped. "I realize now I could never let you go, not really. I would have come back for you. I need you. Talking to you now, Im already thinking clearer." I rested my head on his chest, his heart was back to its steady, strong rhythm. "You should go back to Vegas for a little while, until things calm down here."

I went rigid. "Only if youre coming with me." I already knew what the answer was going to be, and I pulled out of his grip to look him in the eye. "This isnt a time to be apart, weve already been apart too much. I can help."

"No." His icy blue eyes were as sharp as ever, determination clear in them. "Youre not going to get involved. Im not putting you in the middle."

"I already am. Whether you want me there or not, Im linked with you. People know you. They know me. Im not some secret."

"Theres a difference between being a wife on the sidelines and being involved."

We stared at each other in silent challenge. His shoulders tense and lines in his jaw flexing. I tried to find a response but dropped it. I didnt want to argue when he was going through so muc,h and wed taken a step forward tonight. I didnt want to go back. Plus, there was a girl missing. We shouldnt be talking about me.

"Fine." I dropped my eyes, ending the stare off. "But what about this girl. Whats being done?" Sandpaper coated my throat, making it hard to swallow as my mind raced ahead, panic seizing my heart.

His shoulders relaxed slightly as he let go of our argument and focused back on our original conversation. "I talked to Viktor, but hes being closed lip about it. Says its not my concern." Gage curled his fingers into a fist and released it, stretching them wide as he met my eyes. "But it is. She worked for me, and I didnt keep her safe. And if s.h.i.t isnt handled and the police get involved, Im her employer of record. Im the one theyll question."

"Its probably better youre not involved then. If you get questioned, you dont know anything."

His eyes narrowed into slits as he flinched at my words. "I already know too much. She may have been one of the girls quitting to work for him, but the day before she worked for me. She called Cherry for help. I cant just let that go. I mean, f.u.c.k, I dont even know if I can trust Viktor to do anything."

Even though I had never met him, I didnt trust Viktor either, and I was glad to hear Gage admit it too. "What about the other girls then? The other ones who quit? Do you know if they are okay?"

He nodded slowly, watching me with interest lighting his gaze. "Yeah, theyre fine. I had Cherry check on them."

"You think its the same people from before, that tried to hurt her, Cherry? The ones Viktor sent you after?" Thinking out loud helped to keep my emotions from taking hold. I couldnt focus on what Gage had been doing; I may never let that truth settle.

That same curious look stayed on his face as he nodded, large hands moving to my thighs, dragging me over the mattress closer to him. "I think so. But I dont know who they are. I couldnt make a connection between the names Viktor gave me to anyone else. I havent been in this city long enough to know all the key players, but I know of some other people who might not take well to Viktor putting new girls out, but..." He absently rubbed his hands on my legs, friction heating my skin under his palms. "Theyre not stupid enough to challenge him. I think this is something else." His hands paused as his forehead wrinkled. "I keep hitting dead ends. All I can do is keep my other girls safe."

That brick dropped back in my gut, and I couldnt keep down the words that jumped out. "Its not your girls theyre after, its Viktors girls." Jealousy was an unwanted weed that I couldnt kill, rooting in me.

"Maybe." His eyes scanned over me, recognizing the tension in my words. "But when they attacked Cherry, it was in my club."

"But she was probably working for Viktor at the time, you didnt stop that till this weekend."

He released his breath through his lips. "Yeah. Youre probably right. But I wont let them get hurt for working in my club."

"Of course not." I looked to him, trying to get him to understand something that didnt even make sense to me. "I just meant, its not your fault, its Viktors."

Im your only girl. I kept the thought silent, knowing it was selfish and wouldnt help. "Is that what you were going to do tonight, look out for them? And Im keeping you from it?" Guilt ate at me. "I understand now if you need to go."