Outside The Ropes: OtherSide Of Fear Part 21

I had no response and guilt merged into shame. His words twisted in me, until I recognized something in them. "So you didnt step in for me. You stepped in for the baby?"

His jaw dropped. "Dont tell me youre jealous of our child now? Grow up."

I crossed my arms and looked out the window, tears burning the back of my throat as I choked them down. I couldnt say anymore, I didnt want to let her get further between us. The silence stretched till we pulled into our parking garage. Gage pulled up to the elevator and let the car idle.

"This was it, Regan. I dont want you coming around any of this. I know I said you could be involved, but that was before you were pregnant."

I had been thinking the same thing, but it still hurt to hear him say it. "So were going back to how it was before?"

"No. I dont have to be at the club as many hours. Ill still tell you things, Ill let you know what Im doing, but you cant be there."

Until he opens the next club. The words were left unspoken.

I paused with my hands on the door. "Where are you going now then?"

"I still have to talk to Sal and Ive got that meeting later, so dont wait up."

I recalled he mentioned a meeting earlier, before I saw Anthony. It felt like days had pa.s.sed since then as opposed to hours.

I opened the door but stopped short of getting out. I couldnt leave with him thinking me so selfish, and it finally hit me how to word what I was feeling. "I wasnt jealous of the baby. I was hurt that you wouldnt have stepped up for me otherwise. That you are all right with the way she treats me. That you hold her so high up."

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Im sorry." His blue eyes opened, meeting mine. "Thats not true at all, but Im sorry you felt that way."

"Then you would have stepped in, if I wasnt pregnant?"

He shook his head. "No. I mean yes, after you knocked her out. Because, lets face it, she needs someone to lay her out, to put her in her spot. I wouldnt have to stop her from touching you; I know you can do that on your own. Thats the only reason I wasnt jumping in before, you usually wouldnt want me to fight your battles."

I nodded and slid out of the car. "All right. I wont wait up. Ill see you in the morning."

"Wait." He hopped out of the car and came around the front to me.

I thought he might say something, but he didnt. His hand slid along my face and then behind my head, lips dropping down on mine, taking complete control. My only option was to go along with it as he pushed me back against the car, his body pressed to mine. His other hand came up, cradling the side of my head. His touch, his lips, his tongue created a heat that spread to my fingers and down to my toes. He pulled back with a smile that made me want those lips on me again.

"Wait up for me, okay? Ill try not to be too late?"

I sighed, trying to remember if I should still be angry. His kiss wiped away all thoughts, except the need I had for him. "Maybe."

He kissed my cheek before releasing me to stand on my own. "Maybe." His smile stretched as if maybe was a certain yes. "I love you. Ill see you tonight." He hit the elevator b.u.t.ton as he walked around the car to his driver side.

The doors slid open, and I stepped inside before he drove away.

23: Apologize.

I TURNED UP THE MUSIC AND TURNED down my thoughts. Something that was long overdue. It seemed like forever since Id embraced my solitude instead of fearing it, but fear kept trying to sneak in, and there was nothing in the spa.r.s.e gym in our building that could take it all away. The music couldnt get loud enough, but with enough time, Id made a dent in my anger and had the bliss of relaxed muscles.

The water hitting my skin almost pounded away the rest of my stress. Our shower had great pressure, ma.s.saging my muscles, and I indulged in it until the room was steamy and my skin wrinkly. My cell phone was hooked up to the speakers and music filled the air around me, letting me drown any thoughts that tried to ruin the moment.

I used a b.u.t.tercream on my skin, taking the time to explore any changes. There was maybe a slight b.u.mp, but that could be from my reduced gym time. Somehow this small little thing in me wasnt even large enough to make a physical b.u.mp, but it was wreaking havoc on my emotions, or maybe that was just an excuse.

I wasnt ready to open myself up to thoughts again, so I changed into my pajamas, the ones I knew Gage loved, thin cotton shorts and tank top. I wouldnt wait up for him, but Id let him see what he was missing, what he needed to try harder for. That was easier to say when he wasnt here making me want to try everything for him.

It was almost 11:30, and even though I didnt have cla.s.s to wake up for in the morning, I walked to the kitchen to turn off the music and go to bed. I had to be asleep for my plan to work.

But as I walked down the hall, the front door opened. I couldnt see the entrance, but the thump of boots dropping to the floor, one and then the other, rea.s.sured me that it was Gage. I came around the corner as he hung up his coat.

His lips spread into an easy grin as he looked towards me, eyes burning bright. "You waited up."

"You came home early."

"I wanted to come sooner." He crossed the distance between us, and his hand slid into my hair as he dropped his head, lips on me, taking my breath, taking my resolve. Mint filled my mouth as his tongue slipped in. He kept walking forward, forcing me to walk back, his other hand dragged up and over my shirt to my shoulders.

I had put my arms up between us, hands on his chest to keep him back, but my fingers curled on his shirt now, gripping him to me. This is what I meant, two seconds with him and all walls crumbled. h.e.l.l, Id knock them over to get to him.

He broke away, still close enough that his minty breath fanned over my lips, warming and cooling at the same time. "So youre not mad?" The combination of his husky voice and fingers on my skin, grazing my neck, sent chills over me.

He could talk me into anything. I couldnt deny it, but I wanted to know I had the same hold on him, I know I use to. "I dont know. You need to apologize."

A sound grew from his chest, erupting in a deep hum. Then his lips were back on me. He pushed me against the wall, and his hands traveled down my body with a pressure that had me on fire, my skin craved that rough touch. His hands slid up my shirt, over and around my breast, weighing them, kneading them.

I rolled my neck back as his tongue slid down me, and he sucked a nipple between his lips. That deep hum of his was back, adding to the sensation. I wrapped my leg around his waist, wanting him pressed between my legs, needing to relieve the throbbing he caused with each swirl of his tongue.

He laughed, low and throaty, as his hands traveled up my thigh and into my shorts. He gripped my a.s.s before reaching around and grazing the front, teasing me with the tip of his fingers.

His lips moved to my ear. "When do I get an apology?"

The challenge in his eye sparked something I hadnt felt in while. I didnt want to submit to him; tonight he was going to submit to me.

"You dont." I dropped my leg, and his c.o.c.ky smile disappeared as I pushed him against the hall wall opposite us and covered his mouth with mine. I ran my hands up the inside of his shirt, feeling the ridges of his muscles, and then circled him and dipped down into the back of his jeans. His hands were back at it, running all over me, and I pushed them away. Then I lifted his shirt off of him.

His finger tips went to the bottom of my tank top, trying to remove it the same way, but I grabbed his hands and forced them to the wall. "No. You dont get to touch. Not yet."

He didnt understand, I could tell, but the desire on his face made it clear he was willing to play along.

I wasted no time undoing his belt and tossing it to the side. Then I unsnapped his jeans and pulled them down his legs, my body dropping with them. He stepped out of them, and I gripped the elastic of his boxers, sliding them down slow and licking along the way.

"Regan," he groaned my name as I took the tip of him in my mouth. The muscles in his stomach clenched as I sucked him in deeper. I slid my hands around his thighs, gripping the strong muscles. When his hips started moving with my rhythm, I stopped and stood up.

He was breathless, chest rising and falling, eyes afire as they landed on me. Then his lips covered mine, and his hands tugged me to him, trying to lift my legs around his waist. But I stayed standing. I gripped his hair and took over the kiss as I pulled him to our bedroom.

I pushed him onto our bed and straddled his hips, grinding against him. His hands slid under my shirt, but I removed it before he could. He lifted himself up, arms circling me as his he tried to suck on my nipple. I pushed him back down, only this time he didnt fall back. He gripped me tighter and spun us so I was on my back and he was over me.

"Its my turn," he demanded, sliding down my body, removing my shorts and underwear. He lifted my leg onto his shoulder as his tongue slid across the slit between them. A searing heat rushed through me, and I quit resisting. Id let him take over for this, especially since he had my body shaking within moments. Uncontrollable spasms rocked my body as he held my hips and sucked and lapped at me. He stayed at it as I dissolved, riding the wave of an o.r.g.a.s.m to completion. Then he was back over me, long length of his body pressing me into the mattress as he slid inside me. Filling me completely.

I was still delirious from the aftermath of what he had done, but I moved my body with each of his thrust. He lifted himself up, arms braced on either side of me so he could get leverage. I wrapped my legs around him, meeting each slam of his hips, twisting when he twisted, slowing when he slowed, following his lead because he knew exactly what I liked, exactly what made me soar.

His lips covered mine as I surged beneath him, his fingers pressing between my legs, hitting the switch that pushed me over the edge in a burst of pleasure, deliciously draining me. It kept coming though, the never-ending release, and I convulsed as he continued his strokes. He eased me down even as he found his release.

I felt him shuddering and opened my eyes, the overpowering sensations finally calming enough to let in other senses. His eyes burned into mine, even in the dark. We held each others stare, ragged breaths filling the air around us. Then he collapsed on me, pulling me to him as he rolled to his side.

"d.a.m.n." He was still breathless. "Now that was a d.a.m.n good apology."

I rolled onto my back, his arm draped over my stomach. "On your part, but I told you, Im not apologizing."

He rose up on one arm and looked at me with a raised brow. "So what was that then?"

I shook my head. "A reminder. This is what you get with me." I turned to my side, lifting up on one elbow like him. "And if you want me, you need to make sure you put me first."

His eyes narrowed, but a curious smile played on his lips. He brought his hand up to my cheek, sliding my hair back. His fingers lingered on my neck. "I really dont understand you sometimes," it was almost a whisper. His eyes had been following his hand, but he moved them up to meet mine. "But f.u.c.k if I dont love you. You are first, in every way that matters."

"It needs to show more."

"Tonight, that meeting I thought I had, it was really a surprise party for me at the club. My goodbye. And all I could think was that I wanted you there. I left as soon as I could."

I scooted closer to him, placing my hand on his cheek. "Good. Im glad youre done with that. I only wish you were done with those people."

He nodded. "I know youre still talking about Cherry. And I did apologize to you; I wont let her talk to you like that anymore. I already told her when I got back."

"Stop," I cut off his rambling. It felt good laying here naked with him, but talk of her was already tensing my muscles and burning my heart. "I dont want to talk about her. I dont want her to be an issue. Just dont make her one anymore. Lets move on."

"Done." He pulled me to him, curling around me.

I was relieved to push thoughts of her away. She wasnt even the most important thing to happen today, but I had mistakenly treated her like she was. I didnt bring up Anthony though. I let my thoughts melt away in the warmth of Gages embrace, and we fell asleep, skin on skin.

"Gage Lawson and Regan Lawson." Gage handed the guard our IDs.

"Sign in that book there. Someone will be right out for you."

He let go of my hand as he moved to the black binder the man gestured to, scribbling our name on the s.p.a.ce provided.

I stood, numb, not letting my mind work too far ahead. I had spent most of the week avoiding thinking about this. And Gage had helped me avoid it. After he signed over the club, he did have more time. He had a few meetings, and I had cla.s.s, but we spent a lot of the week together, mostly in the gym or bed.

It wasnt till yesterday that he talked to me about Nikolai, preparing me for his direct way of talking. He said its only gotten worse in prison, especially since his sentence keeps being increased. He doesnt have hope of getting out, and hes accepted that, even made the most of it. Theres an entire network within the prison that he runs. Gage promised he would be with me the entire time, and hed do most of the talking.

I wanted it. I wanted to find out information about my father, but I couldnt let myself even imagine how this conversation would go.

Gage was back at my side, and he grabbed my hand in his again. "You okay? You dont have to do this. You can wait out here."

I pulled out of his grip, wanting my own confidence, not just his. "Im here. Im going in."

He nodded, still watching me.

The heavy door in front of us buzzed. An armed guard opened it and signaled us to step through. "Nikolai Rusnak has a private room for visitors. You wont be going to the cafeteria with the others," the guard explained as the door shut behind us.

"We know," Gage responded and slid an arm around me, pulling me to walk beside him even though the hallway barely fit us side by side.

My heart echoed in my chest, thumping heavier with each step we took.

The hallway seemed to go on forever, and then we made a turn, and another. We went through several other doors that only opened for the guards key. Each hallway cooler and smaller, like we were walking to a bas.e.m.e.nt, or dungeon. So many turns, I felt like a mouse in a maze. I looked towards Gage since he had been here several times before, he didnt seem phased. This must be typical.

Then the guard stopped at a door with a small viewing window at the top. He unlocked it with his key card and then held it open. "You two can go in. Well bring Mr. Rusnak in shortly."

The moment we stepped through, the door closed behind us with a deafening click.

Gage walked to the table set up in the center of the room and pulled out a chair. "Take a seat. h.e.l.l be here soon, through that door." He nodded to the door at the opposite side of the room.

I took the chair facing that door and waited.

Gage gripped my thigh under the table. "Let me do most of the talking."

I nodded. My mouth was dry and sticky.

Gage slid off his wool coat, letting it rest on the back of his chair. I sunk into my puffy jacket, taking comfort in the warmth.

The door opened, and I held my breath. A guard held it open, and Nikolai walked through.

"You have an hour, sir," the young guard said.

Nikolai turned towards him. "Ill tell you when Im ready."

The man nodded and closed the door.

I dont know what I had expected-chains, an orange jumper, something that said prison-but this man was in black pants and a white b.u.t.ton up shirt, nothing in the way of restraints. His grey streaked dark hair was slicked back from a hard face lined with age, but intimidating all the same. His aura was strong, but nothing about his stature was. He was average height and soft around the middle, soft everywhere really.

"Gage." He had a smokers voice, and his smile showed yellow teeth. "Boy its been a while since you visited. We have much to discuss."

Gage stood as Nikolai approached and embraced him.

"Its hard since Im in New York now."

He waved him away. "Yeah I know. Hows the cannolis there? Playing nice?"

Gage laughed, light. "They dont have a choice."