Outside The Ropes: OtherSide Of Fear Part 2

He stared at me, unmoving, and I held my breath, waiting for him to say something. Anything. To wipe away the hurt. But he just kept staring while my heart beat pounded away the seconds.

After the s.p.a.ce stretched to almost unbearable, he shrugged. His shoulders lifted, and his head shook slightly. "I didnt want you to leave." There was no apology anywhere in the gesture or his words.

And something in that casual admission sucked the energy out of me.

"f.u.c.k you for not trusting me." It came out in a whisper, and I turned to walk away.

He grabbed my arm, turning me back towards him. "I trust you. I do. I just-"

"If you trusted me, you would have told me." I put my hands up, blocking his next words. "Im going to bed. I need time."

He nodded with a step back. And I walked away to our bedroom, by myself.

3: Empty.

I SHOULD BE USED TO IT, THE empty bed, but awakening with his side untouched still made my heart sink.

Sliding the phone off the nightstand, I read the bright screen. It was nearly five in the morning and he hadnt called or made it to bed. I rolled onto my back, fear making me want to stay put, to deny that he may have not come home yet. But something stronger than fear, anger, had me moving.

The walk to the living room was silent, the carpet soft as my feet sunk into it with every step. And with every step, I hoped he had just crashed in the living room. The empty couch ripped away that possibility. He hadnt come home at all.

My muscles shook and I didnt know what caused it, the fear that he may have gotten hurt or the anger that this may just be another late night. Another night where he wouldnt explain what kept him out. Another night, another secret, another brick added to the wall that had begun separating us ever since he started working for Viktor. One that I didnt know how to stop building or how to cross.

I checked my text messages, there was still no response from my last one at midnight asking when hed be home. My fingers paused over the screen, about to type out another one, but I stopped myself. More than likely, he was fine, and this would be like the other times. Except, I was done waiting for him. Id go insane trying to fill in the blanks his absence created.

Anger surged through me. I needed a release. The gym would open soon, so I went to get ready. I was zipping up my book bag for school, preparing to be out all day, when the front door shut. I froze.

After a few moments pa.s.sed and he didnt appear in the bedroom, I ventured to the living room. My skin tingled, unsure what Id find. The chance of him being hurt or it being someone else coming into our place stiffened my spine.

Gage was on the couch, head back, arm draped over his eyes. The emotions of the morning collided, and a swirl of relief and resentment churned in my gut.

He sat up the moment I stepped in the room, surprise clear on his features as he blinked at me. His suit jacket was off, draped on the coffee table with two guns laid on top.

"Regan? What are you-" He stood up smoothly, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked me over, gaze landing on my bag. "Where are you going?"

I sucked in air, chest burning as I held in the anger I wanted to show, the questions I wanted answered, the hateful remarks I wanted to make. But I knew how all of that would end, the same way it always did, him refusing answers or something even worse. Lying to me. I couldnt take that.

"To the gym." I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked past as if I didnt notice or care about him standing there in a suit he didnt leave the house in.

"Gym? Its the middle of the night."

"No, its morning. Im getting an early start." I kept walking but could feel him closing in behind me and braced myself by swallowing down the knot of hurt stuck in my throat.

"Wait." His hands gripped my shoulders, and he pulled me to him so my back pressed to his chest. He dipped his head to the side of my ponytail, and his breath fanned over my bare neck and tickled my ear. "You dont need to go right now. Come on, stay with me for a bit." His arms circled me and I didnt know how to push him away. I dont think I had the strength to; his presence sucked it from me. "Ive missed you."

I missed him too. But being around him now only made me miss him more because he barely let me see any of him. He hid behind excuses and dismissals I didnt know how to get beyond. But I didnt want to push him away when this might be the time things could be different. I had to try.

I leaned back into him with a nod of my head. He walked us to the couch and we both sunk onto the cushions. I dropped my bag at my feet so I could better fit into the crook of his arm. A heavy musk of smoke and liquor clung to him, but I could still detect his fresh scent under it all and tried to ignore the rest, desperate for those feelings I could only find with him. But I couldnt find them; they played at the edge, never truly materializing. Holding him tighter, I adjusted my head to hear his heartbeat, hoping it would drown out everything else.

His arms tightened around me and lips pressed to the top of my head. "d.a.m.n, I needed this." Warm, soft lips dragged over my neck as he inhaled me. "Ive needed you."

I tried to stay relaxed in his embrace, but his words and kisses only stirred up the hurt I felt. He was ignoring last night completely. I wanted to go along with him. I wanted this moment, even if it was pretend, I hadnt felt important to him in a while. As his lips covered mine, it wasnt the electric heat that traveled through me, but a quiet sadness, chilling me.

He must have felt the difference too. He pulled away, barely an inch, our noses still touched as his hands moved to my face, eyes searching mine.

"Babe? You all right?" His thumb swiped below my eye, bringing my attention to the tears that were escaping. He kissed my cheek, holding his lips to me for a moment.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying stamp out the tears or pull them back in. I needed them gone so I could talk to him-explain to him. I needed to do this without it leading to an argument.

"Did something happen? Is everything all right?" His voice rose, filled with concern.

"You happened." I gave up on gaining control and pushed away from him, letting him see exactly how not all right everything was. "Youre just getting in, again. And you never called."

His blue eyes locked on mine for a moment. Then he dropped his gaze and reached for my hand. "Ian called you didnt he? To tell you."

I pulled my fingers out of his loose grasp and tried to get him to look at me again, but he wouldnt.

"He did, to say you wouldnt be able to make dinner, but that was nine hours ago."

He tapped his fingers on his thigh, and then looked up at me. "He was supposed to tell you it would be a late night. Several new employees, a few VIP parties, I had to make sure things went smoothly. Plus, I had to set everything up since weve got to go to that party this weekend."

"That party? Its Felixs first birthday, you dont want to go?"

He groaned and dropped his head back, running his hand over his hair. "Thats not what I meant, but it puts more pressure on me to get things done before then."

"You do realize youre not really the owner?" I said it out of spite but also because it was true. I hated hearing about "employees" when I knew they were strippers. Or things that needed to be done when I wasnt convinced it was the club that kept him busy. It seemed that it was a cover for more than drug money, it was a cover for whatever Gage was really doing. But he refused to admit it.

"Its my name on everything. It reflects on me. Its me thatll take the hit if anything goes wrong. So yeah, I am the owner. They only want the doors open. They dont care about anything else." His cool eyes pierced mine, challenging me to argue the point.

But I didnt want to keep doing this. I stood up with my bag.

"Where are you going now?" Anger ran under his words as he rose to his feet.

"To the gym."

He pulled my hand, stopping me. "Wait. Ill get you a ride there. Let me call-"

"Thats okay." I stepped away from him. "I was going to drive so I can go straight to cla.s.s after."

"Fine. Ill see you later then." He was staring right through me.

"Or not." I shrugged.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I never see you."

"Then dont go to the f.u.c.king gym, stay here with me." He threw his hands up. "You can adjust your d.a.m.n schedule. You dont even need to go to school. You could be here with me."

His outburst silenced me for all of a second before my own anger rose to match his. "For what? Youre here to sleep and then youre gone. Do you even go to the gym anymore? Do you care about boxing anymore? Do you care about me anymore?"

His eyes blazed with anger until my last question. Then it drained from him, just as it did from me.

"You know I do. I love you."

I couldnt catch a full breath but kept sucking in air to calm my racing heart. I had said too much, and now he would respond with the words I wanted, but only because I baited him to say it.

He slid one hand to my cheek. "Im sorry. Things are tough right now. The club is taking a lot of time, but it will get better soon. And well have all weekend together, away from this."

His eyes searched mine, begging for understanding. I wanted to believe him, but only time would tell.

I nodded, grabbing his hand with my own and pulling it from my face. Stepping close to him, I gave him a small kiss on his lips, taking him by surprise. "Okay. Then Ill see you later." I whispered the words near his face, pulling back to meet his gaze. "I love you."

He covered my lips with his, and I moved with him, wanting to breathe life into our words and seal our promises with a kiss. Wed be okay. Things would get better. They had to.

But I didnt want to stick around and argue more this morning. I needed to leave now. I squeezed his hand before walking out.

"Statistics sucks," Kendall declared the moment we stepped into the crisp autumn air.

"Says the math major. Theres something very wrong with that." Leo pulled his beanie over his blonde hair, squinting against the bright sun. "Remind me not to cheat off of you anymore."

"Dont blame me for your poor judgment. And Im not a math major." She pushed her bangs from her eyes and leaned forward to look past Leo at me. "You want to stop by the union for lunch before our next cla.s.s?"

Her words died off at the end as I froze on the top step of the building. Gage was waiting at the bottom, looking more like his old self, faded jeans and dark grey t-shirt with a black hat pulled low, shading his face.

Leo and Kendall traded glances, and then Leo waggled his eyebrows at me.

"Maybe another time. Ill see you in cla.s.s." Kendall waved and grabbed Leos hand, pulling him down the steps.

Gage gave me an easy smile as I approached him and pulled me into a hug. "Friends?"

"Yeah, howd you know where to find me?" I asked as he loosened his grip on me, but he didnt let me go.

"I know your schedule. I always know where you are, babe." The look he gave me was sweet and warmed me, but his words had the opposite effect.

He always knew where I was; I wish I could say the same about him.

"I thought we could get an early start on the weekend." He started walking towards the parking lot, keeping an arm around me.

"Really?" It was only Thursday. This gave us a day longer to be together away from everything. I couldnt believe hed pulled that off. "Oh, but Ive got cla.s.s."

His jaw clenched, but I spoke before he could. "Its okay though, I havent missed this semester. I can skip this once."

"Good. Lets go pack. Our flight leaves at three."

4: Little Bit.

FELIX TOOK HIS FIRST STEPS A COUPLE of weeks ago, but hed already given up walking for running, a sort of clumsy, arm flailing run that had me constantly reaching to balance him when he pa.s.sed. He was always leaning forward, big head of curls leading the way as his tiny body raced to catch up.

He eyed the phone in Gages hand from where he stood, pudgy hands smacking a beat on the low coffee table, and then he was off towards his uncle who didnt even notice. His little feet didnt move fast enough for his body, and his run melted into a forward fall.

I was off my seat in an instant, but not close enough to catch him before he hit the carpet. I swept him up in my arms, placing him back on his feet but not letting him go at first. His wide, one tooth smile and baby giggles like gurgling spit eased my split second of panic.

"Rea," Dexter laughed from the hallway. "If you try to stop him from every fall, youre never going to be able to do anything else. My dude is clumsy, but hes tough. Let him fall. Only way h.e.l.l learn to slow down."

He squirmed between my hands, but still wasnt steady on his feet. As I eased my grip, he launched himself at me, wiggling his head on my chest and patting at my silk tank top as he snuggled close. He popped his head up, looking at me with big honey eyes and babbling in a baby language I couldnt understand; but I laughed when he laughed, like I got the joke he was telling.

Then he raised one fist, and spread his hand flat. His fingers were so fat I was amazed he could move them.

"Ba-ba?" he questioned very clearly.

I was willing to walk miles for this boys bottle if need be, even in the ridiculously high shoes I was wearing tonight, anything to get that smile back and stop the tears br.i.m.m.i.n.g in his eyes.

"Uh-oh." Dexter knelt down beside us, running his hand over Felixs silky curls. "Only sippy cups for you. Remember yous a big boy now!"

Felix didnt seem convinced as he glanced at his father. He wrapped his arms around my neck and tried again, louder. "Ba-ba?"

"Do not give him a bottle," Leona warned, peaking her half curled head over the railing above us.

"Jesus, Lee, go finish your hair and get dressed already." Dexter rose to his feet as the doorbell chimed throughout the townhome.

Felix sat up on my lap, smile back and little arms still around my neck as he squealed, a high-pitched, ear piercing, scream of joy.

"I think your Grandmas here." I smiled with him but snuck a look at Gage who slipped his phone back out of his pocket at the sound of the doorbell. He tapped his thigh with one finger and met my eyes over the screen. I knew he was ready to leave, he didnt like being around his mom.

"Wheres my big boy?" Her raspy voice echoed in the open living room, and Felix hid his face in my shoulder, popping back up to see her in a fit of giggles.

"Ba-ba?" he paused from the game of peek-a-boo to question his grandma.