Our American Cousin Part 23

Dun Yes, they're all wight now.

Asa All wight? no, they're all black.

Dun When I say wight I mean black.

Asa Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?

Dun No, you needn't tell that sick gal about that hair dye!

Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.

Dun [Aside.] That man is a d.a.m.ned rattlesnake.

[Goes up, sits in Georgina's lap--turns to apologize, sits in Augusta's lap--same business with Mrs. M, then goes back to Georgina.]

Asa Miss Georgina. [She comes down.] How's your appet.i.te? shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?

Geo Please don't, Mr. Trenchard, I'm so delicate.

Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.

Geo Oh, thank you.

[Backs up stage and sits in Dundreary's lap, who has taken her seat.]

Asa Miss Gusty. [Augusta comes down.] Got your boots, hain't you?

Aug Yes, Mr. Trenchard.

Asa How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first?

Aug [Extravagantly.] Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.

Asa [Mimicing.] Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.

Asa [To Mrs M.] Mrs. Mountchestnut.

Dun [Coming down.] Sir, I haven't a chestnut to offer you, but if you'd like some of your native food, I'll order you a doughnut?

Asa I dough not see it.

Dun [Laughs.] That's good.

Asa Yes, very good.

Dun For you.

Asa Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.

Dun Mrs. Mountchessington, this ill.u.s.trious exile wishes to see you.

[Mrs M. comes down.]

Asa Wal, old woman?

Mrs M Old woman, sir?

Asa Got two of them gals off your hands, haven't you?

Mrs M I'm proud to say, I have.

Asa Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?

Mrs M You'll please not mention the subject.

Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to. [Backs up;--curtseying;--knocks back against Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads.] Say, Mr. Puffy. [Binny comes down.] Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?

Binny You need not--not if you don't like unto.

Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.

Binny Remember the hold hadage. ''A still tongue shows a wise ead.''

Asa X Q's me.

Binny O, I, C. [Goes up.]

Flo [Comes down, L.] Well cousin, what have you to say to us? [Mary comes down R. of Asa.]

Asa Wal, I ain't got no ring, to put in your noses, but I's got one to put on your finger. [To Mary.] And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.

Flo I am sure you must be very happy.

Asa Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.

Flo Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?

Asa [To Audience.] My happiness depends on you.

Flo And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to Our American Cousin. But don't go yet, pray--for Lord Dundreary has a word to say. [Calls Dundreary.]

Dun [Sneezes.] That's the idea.

CURTAIN