One-Act Plays Part 64

THE TOFF. A good day's work, my friends.

BILL. Well done, Toffy. Oh, you are a deep one!

ALBERT. A deep one if ever there was one.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. There ain't any more, Bill, are there?

THE TOFF. No more in the world, my friend.

BILL. Aye, that's all there are. There were only three in the temple.

Three priests and their beastly idol.

ALBERT. What is it worth, Toffy? Is it worth a thousand pounds?

THE TOFF. It's worth all they've got in the shop. Worth just whatever we like to ask for it.

ALBERT. Then we're millionaires now.

THE TOFF. Yes, and, what is more important, we no longer have any heirs.

BILL. We'll have to sell it now.

ALBERT. That won't be easy. It's a pity it isn't small and we had half a dozen. Hadn't the idol any other on him?

BILL. No, he was green jade all over and only had this one eye. He had it in the middle of his forehead and was a long sight uglier than anything else in the world.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. I'm sure we ought all to be very grateful to Toffy.

BILL. And, indeed, we ought.

ALBERT. If it hadn't been for him....

BILL. Yes, if it hadn't been for old Toffy....

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. He's a deep one.

THE TOFF. Well, you see I just have a knack of foreseeing things.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. I should think you did.

BILL. Why, I don't suppose anything happens that our Toff doesn't foresee. Does it, Toffy?

THE TOFF. Well, I don't think it does, Bill. I don't think it often does.

BILL. Life is no more than just a game of cards to our old Toff.

THE TOFF. Well, we've taken these fellows' trick.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS [_going to window_]. It wouldn't do for anyone to see them.

THE TOFF. Oh, n.o.body will come this way. We're all alone on a moor.

BILL. Where will we put them?

THE TOFF. Bury them in the cellar, but there's no hurry.

BILL. And what then, Toffy?

THE TOFF. Why, then we'll go to London and upset the ruby business. We have really come through this job very nicely.

BILL. I think the first thing that we ought to do is to give a little supper to old Toffy. We'll bury these fellows to-night.

ALBERT. Yes, let's.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. The very thing!

BILL. And we'll all drink his health.

ALBERT. Good old Toffy!

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. He ought to have been a general or a premier. [_They get bottles from cupboard, etc._]

THE TOFF. Well, we've earned our bit of a supper. [_They sit down._]

BILL [_gla.s.s in hand_]. Here's to old Toffy, who guessed everything!

ALBERT and Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. Good old Toffy!

BILL. Toffy, who saved our lives and made our fortunes.

ALBERT and Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. Hear! Hear!

THE TOFF. And here's to Bill, who saved me twice to-night.

BILL. Couldn't have done it but for your cleverness, Toffy.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. Hear, hear! Hear! Hear!

ALBERT. He foresees everything.

BILL. A speech, Toffy. A speech from our general.

ALL. Yes, a speech.

Sn.i.g.g.e.rS. A speech.

THE TOFF. Well, get me some water. This whisky's too much for my head, and I must keep it clear till our friends are safe in the cellar.