Once And Forever: Virtually Impossible Part 21

"You mean they don't provide bibs?" I joked. "What kind of dive are you talking about?"

"The kind of place friends go when they have great news to celebrate."

She hung up before I realized she'd manipulated me into agreeing to go. I considered calling her back, but Emilia was a pro. I mean, in the last few months, she'd conned me into more hours of exercise than I expected to do in my entire lifetime. Besides, she'd said something about great news. And man, could I use some of that right now.

27.

Hayden It had only been a few weeks since Clare and I had finally brought everything out in the open, but I was coming home to a different woman. I'd never seen her so relaxed, so happy. So...in the hallway.

"We're going out," she said, leaning up against the door of our apartment.

"Where?" I couldn't recall any parties I had to force myself to go to, and Clare knew better than to surprise me with social events. I needed at least twenty-four hours to gear up and pretend to be happy. Or at least not bored out of my mind.

"You're taking me out to dinner. Think of it as a celebration of our newfound honesty, and not like I'm trying to keep you out of the apartment until it airs out."

I groaned. "What happened?"

"I cooked." She grimaced and then shook her head. "No, that's not quite right. I charred."

"Should I call the fire department?"

"Nope," she said, unsurprised by the suggestion. "I already put it out. We may need a new pan, though. And potholders. Maybe counters."

With my eyes shut, I felt her take my arm and turn me toward the elevator. "Wait. Let me put my briefcase down." I tossed it through a narrow opening of the door, smelling 'dinner.' "We may need a new apartment, too."

"Yeah, maybe."

We went to one of the places Clare and her friends frequented and were seated near the window despite not having reservations.

"Throw enough money at something..." she said after I'd dismissed the matre d'.

I nodded at her favorite expression and pulled out her chair.

"Hayden, do you realize that the most normal night out we've ever had just happens to be after we've unofficially split up?"

"Maybe we should unofficially split up more often."

She adjusted her utensils unconsciously, keeping her head lowered until she spoke. "Thank you, Hayden. For understanding and sticking by me. I had no right to do what I did, and you had every right to walk out the second you knew I was lying."

"I made my fair share of bad calls and things I should've done differently."

"Like not marrying a lesbian?"

I smiled. "Actually, I don't see that as one of my bad calls. You've given me a lot, Clare. Whether you know it or not."

"You're a sick, sick man, Hayden Bennett."

I laughed. And agreed.

Until, over Clare's shoulder, I saw Sira, wide-eyed and staring at me from a table across the room. I moved to stand, but she shook her head and then glanced at the woman who was sitting next to her. I was at a loss, wanting to speak to her, but if the other woman was her boss, I'd only complicate things by going over.

"What are you looking at?" Clare asked.

I grabbed her wrist to stop her from turning around and then yanked my hand back. What was worse than Sira seeing me while being with her boss at a restaurant? Seeing me holding my wife's hand while being with her boss at a restaurant. Especially right after a.s.suring her the divorce was pending.

"Hayden?"

I took the champagne out of the pail and refilled Clare's gla.s.s. "It's nothing."

"Well 'nothing' just put an endearing look on your face that quickly turned into panic, so-"

"Someone I work with is here. But she may not want to be seen with the person she's with."

"Oh," Clare said, tilting her head as if it was an everyday occurrence. And it was-ignoring the obvious for sake of propriety. I'd seen it in every woman I'd ever known.

I tried to keep my eyes away from Sira to prevent stressing her out more than she already was, but my gaze was drawn back to her every time I stopped concentrating on avoiding her. Now that I'd finally met her, all I wanted to do was study her.

She stood abruptly and turned away, b.u.mping into the server.

"Okay, I guess I'll order for you," the other woman said to her.

Sira whipped around. "No, don't. Please, Emilia." As she met my gaze again, she shook her head, and then rushed toward the front of the restaurant.

I pushed my chair back and stood. "I'll be right back." When I got to the hostess desk, I looked around. She wouldn't have walked out of the restaurant without telling her companion, so I turned into the thin hallway leading to the restrooms. I pa.s.sed the men's room and, glancing around quickly, opened the door to the ladies' room and whispered her name.

When no one answered and I didn't hear anything, staying near the door just in case someone screamed and I had to run for it.

"Are you in here?" What an idiot. I hadn't snuck into the girl's bathroom since I was seventeen years old and at boarding school.

"Go away," she said from inside one of the stalls.

"I just want to talk to you for a second."

"Go away."

"Sira, please." I flicked the deadbolt on the door. There were three stalls, each door going all the way to the bottom. I knocked on the first door and then jiggled the handle. Then the second. Both empty. "Can you please come out and talk to me?"

"You know what women do in here, right? Well, I'm doing that. So go away."

"I can wait." I wiped the edge of the vanity slowly and then leaned against it.

"Hayden, you need to leave."

"I will...just as soon as we talk."

Eventually, the lock clicked and she came out, looking furious. Her shoulders slumped when she glanced at the door. If she tried to run for it, she'd have to pa.s.s right by me.

"You didn't flush."

She glared at me. "I didn't pee. I was hiding, and you know it. Are you stalking me?" Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself, hip out, toe tapping-the complete package. And all I could think about was how amazing angry s.e.x with her would be. All that anger lashing out toward me while she was naked.

"Right," she grumbled. "I forgot how well you listen. Should I repeat the question?"

"Can we just speak calmly?" It was all I could do not to blind her with my s.h.i.t-eating grin, but I knew it would only p.i.s.s her off more.

"How 'bout you start by calmly explaining why you're following me?"

"I'm not. You were seated after I was already here."

"With your wife."

I sighed. "Yes. Clare is here."

"Great. Well, I think that's enough calm and enough speaking." As soon as she moved, I stepped in between her and the door. She threw out her arms to stop her momentum, her palms landing on my chest briefly before she pulled them back as if I'd burned her. "What do you want from me?"

More than I could tell her. "To be in the same room with you. To not have you instantly run away. To have a conversation. Something. Anything."

"Look, the-" She turned her head, shying away when she saw our reflections in the mirror. "What happened between us-"

"The kiss or the whole evening?"

Her lips tightened. "What happened was that we both experienced a momentary lapse in judgment that lasted an hour more than momentary lapses should. It's no one's fault, but it was a mistake we won't be making again."

What? "You're telling me that kiss was a mistake? One you never want to feel again? Wow. I can't stop thinking about it. About you. I want to feel it again and again until-"

"This isn't going anywhere, Hayden. In case you've forgotten, you're my boss, my married boss. That's what we need to focus on. All the other stuff just confuses things." She held out her hands as if weighing something. "A little disappointment now, or a s.h.i.tload of hurt later-guess which one I choose."

"I don't accept that."

"You don't accept it?" She laughed. "Well, tough s.h.i.t."

"No. I don't accept those two things as our only choices." Not when there's even the slightest chance of having more. She knew there was, just as much as I did. "Do you know that you've never actually said no? Or that you don't want this?"

"I've told you this can't happen more times than I can count."

"That's different. That's situational. Letting other people determine our fate. But you've never said, 'No, Hayden. I don't want you.' Why is that?"

She stared at me long and hard. "Your wife's probably wondering where you are."

"I didn't lie to you about her." I moved a step toward her. Then another. "Please, if you want this even a fraction as much as I do, don't walk away."

She shuddered when I touched her cheek, when I cupped her chin in my hand, when I lifted it so she would look at me.

"I can prove I wasn't lying. Just give this a chance."

When my lips were millimeters away from hers, she spoke. "No."

I closed my eyes, dropping my hand from her face. But I didn't pull away. I couldn't. I wanted her to take it back, give me some kind of proof I wasn't in this alone. "Is that what you really want?"

"No," she whispered.

"I'm not sure what to do now."

She sighed and stepped backwards. "Go back to your wife, Mr. Bennett."

Then I realized something I should've already figured out-she really didn't see this like I did, not even close. She could keep me out, and I would never be able to do that, not with the way I felt about her.

So I stepped out of her way, her shoulder brushing my arm as she pa.s.sed. Then I heard the deadbolt click and the door slam closed when she left me.

28.

Andi "Are you okay?" Emilia asked when I came back to the table.

"Perfect." I sat down with my lips curled up, but with no teeth showing because that's the kiss of death when you're trying to fake a smile. As soon as you show a little teeth, it ends up looking like disgust or a snarl. Two expressions happy people don't make.

Emilia stared at me, no teeth showing, but only because her mouth was open in confusion.

"Really, I'm okay," I said. "Not crazy about the bathrooms here, though."

"You've got to be the worst liar ever. What happened?"

I pressed my lips together to try and hold in my shame. Turns out, shame can escape in other ways. Like in watery eyes that can't seem to look anywhere but the tablecloth in front of you. Or the knife you should probably stab yourself with before you ruin somebody else's life.

"Can we leave?" I asked. "Go somewhere else?"

Emilia was out of her chair before I'd finished speaking. She grabbed our stuff and ushered me out of the place as if she were Secret Service and I was someone important.

She didn't say anything until we were in the car and pulling away from the valet station. "Wanna tell me what happened?"

I shook my head. I wanted to disappear and forget everything about my life. "Not right now. Still a lot to process." Like that Hayden had lied about getting a divorce and had turned me into a home-wrecker. In less than twenty-four hours. The sensible thing was to salvage the last remaining shreds of my dignity, start all over again, and find another way to make money. "That okay?"

"Of course." She put her hand on mine and squeezed.

Karma had just taken a huge bite out of my a.s.s. No, that's not right. This was me making the same mistake I'd made four years ago. I'd trusted the wrong person again. I'd chosen a man over common sense. Back then, because of the transparency of my cluelessness, my punishment had been light-no jail time, and of course, no more internet access. It wasn't enough.

Don't get me wrong-I was very grateful not to have to wear orange, take group showers, or learn how to make a shiv, but I'd been responsible for ruining lives, and I should've paid more for that mistake. Guilt, shame, disappointment in myself, and a bunch of other great emotions, as well as all the cash I could return to the people I'd hurt would never be enough. Because no amount of money could repair those people's heartbreak, the violation they'd felt.