On Mystic Lake Part 30

"Same Time, Next Year."

"That Alan Alda movie?" Terri gave Annie a sharp, knowing look. "I always thought that was a h.e.l.l of an idea. An affair once a year, I mean. Ellen Burstyn's husband is probably a real s.h.i.thead-a workaholic with the moral integrity of an alley cat. He probably f.u.c.ked around on Ellen and then came crawling back like the worm he is. And because Ellen's a grade-A sweetie pie, she took him back and tried to pretend that everything was okay. Still, she meets her secret lover for one weekend a year on the wild Oregon coast. Yep, sounds like heaven to me."

"Shhh," Natalie said. "It's starting."

Annie looked away from Terri. She tried not to feel anything at all, but when the music came on and the credits began to roll, she sank deeper and deeper into the pillows, as if distance could soften the sharp edges of her memories.

Chapter 26.

Nick made it through the summer one day at a time. The last thing he did every night was stand by the lake, where Annie's memory was strongest. Sometimes, the missing of her was so acute, he felt it as a pain in his chest. Those were the nights when he heard the call of the booze, the soothing purr of his own weakness.

But he was making it. For the first time in years, he was actually living life on his own terms. Annie had been right in so many of the things she said to him. He'd gone back to work, and the job had given him a purpose. He was the best policeman he'd ever been. He gave everything to the people under his protection, but when his shift was over, he left the worries behind. He had learned, finally, to accept that there would be failures, and that it was okay. All he could do was try.

Like with Gina. She was still fighting the pull of old patterns and comforting, self-destructive routines. The other kids were often blatantly cruel to her. The "good" kids didn't want to hang around with a loser, and the "bad" kids spent all their time trying to lure her back into their circle of drugs and truancy, but, like Nick, Gina was holding her own. She'd moved back into her old bedroom and was reforging the bonds of the family she'd so carelessly torn apart. Last month she'd registered for school.

And there was always Izzy, waiting for Nick at the end of the day with a smile and a picture she'd drawn or a song she had learned. They'd become inseparable. Best buddies. He never took a moment or a word for granted.

During the week, he worked from nine to five; the second his shift was over, he picked up Izzy from the Raintree Day Care, and they were off. They spent all their free time together.

Today, he'd gotten off work three hours ago and their nightly ritual had begun. First, dinner on the porch (lasagna and green salads from Vittorio's), then they quickly washed the dishes together.

Now, Nick sat cross-legged on the cold plank floor, staring down at the multicolored Candy Land game board. There were three little pieces at the starting box, a red, a green, and a blue.

But there are only two of us, Izzy, he'd said when Izzy put the third man down. he'd said when Izzy put the third man down.

That's Annie, Daddy.

Nick watched with a growing sadness as Izzy stoically rolled for Annie and moved her tiny blue piece from square to square.

"Come here, Izzy," he said at last, pushing the game away. She crawled across the floor and settled into his lap, hooking her spindly legs around him. He stared down at her. The words congealed in his throat; how could you tell a little girl to stop believing?

"She's comin' back, Daddy," Izzy said in the high-pitched, certain voice of an innocent.

He stroked her hair. "It's okay to miss her, Sunshine, but you can't keep thinking that she's going to come back. She has another life . . . she always did. We were lucky to have her for as long as we did."

Izzy leaned back into his laced fingers. "You're wrong, Daddy. She's comin'back. So, don't be so sad."

Sad. Such a little word, no more than a breath; it didn't begin to describe the ocean of loss he felt at Annie's absence. Such a little word, no more than a breath; it didn't begin to describe the ocean of loss he felt at Annie's absence.

"I love you, Izzy-bear," he whispered.

She planted a kiss on his cheek. "I love you, too, Daddy."

He stared down at her, lying in his arms in her pink flannel jammies with the bunny feet, with her black hair still damp and squiggly around her face, and her big brown eyes blinking up at him with expectation.

He knew then, as he'd known so many times before, that no matter what, he'd always love Annie for what she'd given him.

The air was crisp the next morning, chilly with the promise of fall. The flowers were fading now at the end of summer, and autumn colors-orange and green and scarlet-had replaced the bright hues of August. A cloudy sky cast shadows across the cemetery, where acres of gra.s.s rolled gently toward a curtain of evergreen trees. It was well cared for, this final resting place for most of Mystic's citizens.

Nick walked slowly toward the easternmost corner of the cemetery. Izzy was beside him, holding his hand. With each step, he felt his insides tighten, and by the time he reached his destination, his throat was dry and he needed a drink desperately.

He gazed down at the headstone. Kathleen Marie Kathleen Marie Delacroix. Beloved Wife and Mother. Delacroix. Beloved Wife and Mother.

He sighed. Four words to sum up her life. They were the wrong four words; he'd known it at the time, but then he'd been so twisted with grief that he'd let the small, round-faced funeral director handle everything. And in truth, Nick didn't know what other words he would have chosen, even now. How could you possibly express the sum of a person's life in a few words cut into smooth gray stone?

He glanced down at Izzy. "I should have brought you here a long time ago."

Izzy let go of his hand. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a wrinkled sheet of paper. Last night, when he'd told her they were going to come here, Izzy had picked up a piece of paper and her crayons, then she'd gone into her room alone. When she emerged, she held a picture of her mom's favorite flower. Daddy, I'll give her this. That way Daddy, I'll give her this. That way she'll know I was visitin' her. she'll know I was visitin' her.

He had nodded solemnly.

She walked over to the wrought-iron bench and sat down. Smoothing the paper on her lap, she stared at the headstone. "Daddy said I could talk to you, Mommy. Can you hear me?" She drew in a ragged breath. "I miss you, Mommy."

Nick bowed his head, thinking of a dozen things at once, and thinking nothing at all. "Heya, Kath." He waited for her to answer, but, of course, there was nothing except the swaying of the evergreen boughs and the trilling call of a bird.

This place had so little to do with his Kathy. It was why he hadn't come here before, not since the day they placed her gleaming mahogany casket in a gaping hole in the earth. He couldn't stand to look at the evenly clipped carpet of gra.s.s and know that she was below it, his wife who'd always been afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone. . . .

He reached out, touched the cold headstone with the tip of a finger, tracing the etched ca.n.a.l of her name.

"I came to say good-bye, Kath," he said softly, closing his eyes against the sudden sting of tears. His voice broke, and he couldn't speak out loud. I loved you for most of my I loved you for most of my life, and I know you loved me, too. What . . . what you did life, and I know you loved me, too. What . . . what you did was about something else, something I never could understand. I wanted you to know that I forgive us. We did the was about something else, something I never could understand. I wanted you to know that I forgive us. We did the best we could. . . . best we could. . . .

He touched the stone again, felt it warm beneath his fingertips, and for a moment-a heartbeat that winged into eternity-he imagined her beside him, her golden hair streaming in the sunlight, her black eyes crinkled in a smile. It was the day Izzy was born, that was the memory that came to him. Kathy sitting up in the hospital bed, her hair all askew, her skin left pale by exhaustion, her pink flannel nightgown b.u.t.toned improperly. She had never looked so lovely, and when she looked down at the sleeping infant in her arms, she'd begun softly to cry. "Isabella," she'd said, trying the name on her tongue before she looked up at Nick. "Can we call her Isabella?"

As if Nick could deny her anything. "It's perfect."

Kathy had continued to look at him, while tears streaked down her cheeks. "You'll always take care of her, won't you, Nicky?"

She had known even then the darkness that was coming for her.

But did she know that he loved her, that he had always loved her, and that he always would? She was a part of him, perhaps the biggest part, and sometimes even now, he heard her laughter in the whisper of the wind. Last week, when he'd seen those beautiful white swans across the lake, he stopped and stared and thought, there they are, there they are, Kath . . . they've come back again. . . . Kath . . . they've come back again. . . .

Izzy slipped her hand in his. "It's okay, Daddy. She knows."

He pulled her into his arms and held her, looking up at the sky through hot, stinging tears. I have her, Kath-the I have her, Kath-the best part of us-and I'll always be here for her. best part of us-and I'll always be here for her.

They placed a wicker basket full of blooming chrysanthemums on the gra.s.s, then drove home.

"I'm gonna check the garden," Izzy said when they pulled into the driveway.

"Don't be long. It looks like it's going to rain."

Nodding, she got out of the car and made a beeline to the white picket fence. Nick slammed the door shut and headed for the house. Sure enough, it started to rain before he reached the porch.

"Daddy, Daddy, come here, Daddy!"

He turned. She was standing in front of the cherry tree they'd planted last year. She was hopping up and down like an agitated bird, flapping her arms.

He raced across the yard. When he reached her, she looked up at him, grinning, her face washed by rain. "Look, Daddy."

Nick saw what she was pointing at, and slowly he dropped to his knees in the already moist gra.s.s.

The cherry tree had produced a single, perfect pink bud.

Autumn brought color back to Southern California. Brown gra.s.s began to turn green. The gray air, swept clean by September breezes, regained its springtime blue. The local radio stations started an endless stream of football chatter. The distant whine of leaf blowers filled the air.

It was the season of sharp, sudden changes: days of bright lemon heat followed by cold, starlit nights. Sleeveless summer shirts were packed away in boxes and replaced by crew-neck sweaters. The birds began one by one to disappear, leaving their nests untended. To the Californians, who spent most of their days in clothes as thin as tissue and smaller than washrags, it began to feel cold. They shivered as the wind kicked up, plucking the last dying red leaves from the trees along the road. Sometimes whole minutes went by without a single car turning toward the beach. The crossroads were empty of tourists, and only the stoutest of spirit ventured into the cool Pacific Ocean at this time of year. The stream of surfers at the state beach had dwindled to a few hardy souls a day.

It was time now to let go. But how did you do that, really? Annie had spent seventeen years trying to protect her daughter from the world, and now all of that protection lay in the love she'd given Natalie, in the words she'd used in their talks, and in the examples she'd provided.

The examples.

Annie sighed, remembering the talk she'd had with Natalie and the disappointment she'd felt in realizing that she hadn't been a good role model. Now it was too late to change all that she'd been and done as a mother. Annie's time was over.

"Mom?" Natalie poked her head into Annie's bedroom.

"Hey, Nana," she answered, trying to inject cheerful-ness into her voice. "Come on in."

Natalie climbed onto the bed and stretched out alongside Annie. "I can't believe I'm really going."

Annie put an arm around her daughter. Surely this beautiful creature couldn't be the child who'd once licked the metal ski-chair pole at Mammoth Mountain . . . or the girl who'd climbed into her parents' bed after a nightmare when she was only a year away from being a teenager.

Seventeen years had pa.s.sed in the blink of an eye. It was too fast. Not long enough . . .

Idly, Annie finger-combed her daughter's long blond hair. She'd been preparing for this day for ages, almost since she'd first dropped Nana off at kindergarten, and still she wasn't ready. "Have I told you today how proud I am of you?"

"Only a billion times."

"Make it a billion and one."

Natalie snuggled closer and pressed a hand to Annie's stomach. "How were the latest stress tests and ultrasounds?"

"Everything shows a healthy baby girl. There's nothing for you to worry about."

"She's lucky to have you for a mom."

Annie laid her hand on Natalie's. There were so many things she wanted to say, on this day when her daughter was embarking on the adventure of her own life, but she knew that she had had her time. Everything of magnitude that was hers to say had been said, and if it hadn't, it was too late now. Still, she wished she could think of one single, flawless bit of advice to hand down like an heirloom to her child.

Natalie leaned against her. "What are you going to do while I'm gone?"

Gone. Such a hard, cold, uncompromising word. It was like Such a hard, cold, uncompromising word. It was like death death, or divorce divorce. Annie swallowed. "Miss you?"

Natalie turned to her. "Remember when I was little . . . you always used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up?"

"I remember."

"What about you, Mom? What did you used to tell Grandpa Hank when he asked you the same question?"

Annie sighed. How could she make Natalie understand what Annie herself had only figured out this year, after almost forty years of living? Hank had never asked his only daughter that question. He'd been a lonely, lost single father, caught between the decades of Donna Reed and Gloria Steinem, and he had taught his daughter that a woman was defined by the men around her. He had been taught, and so he believed, that girls didn't need dreams for the future- those were for little boys, who would grow up to run businesses and make money.

Annie had made so many mistakes, and most of them had been because she'd planted herself firmly in the middle of the road. But now she knew that life without risk was impossible, and if by chance you stumbled across a safe, serene existence, it was because you'd never really reached for anything in the first place.

At last, Annie had something she wanted to reach for, a risk she wanted to take. She turned to her daughter. "When I was in Mystic, I started thinking about opening my own bookstore. There was a wonderful old Victorian house at the end of Main Street, and the downstairs was vacant."

"That's why you've been reading all those business books."

Annie bit down on her smile and nodded. She felt like a child again, who'd just shown a friend her most precious possession and found that it was as beautiful as she'd imagined. "Yes."

Natalie gave her a slow-building grin. "Way to go, Mom. You'd be excellent excellent at that. You could give the Malibu bookstore a run for its money. Maybe I could even work for you in the summers." at that. You could give the Malibu bookstore a run for its money. Maybe I could even work for you in the summers."

Annie looked away. That wasn't part of her dream at all, doing it here, under the watchful, critical eye of her husband. She could just hear hear his comments. . . . his comments. . . .

Not like Nick's response.

There was a knock at the door.

Annie tensed. It's time. It's time. "Come in," she called out. "Come in," she called out.

Blake strode into the room, wearing a black silk suit and a bright smile. "Hey guys. Is Natalie ready? Mrs. Peterson and Sally are here to pick her up."

Annie manufactured a brittle laugh. "I always pictured myself lugging your suitcases up the dorm stairs and unpacking your clothes for you. I wanted you to at least start start school with your things organized." school with your things organized."

"I would have had to call security to get rid of you." Natalie started out laughing and ended up crying.

Annie pulled Natalie into her arms. "I'll miss you, baby."

Natalie clung to her, whispering, "Don't you forget that bookstore while I'm gone."

Annie was the first to draw back, knowing she had to be the one to do it. She touched Natalie's soft cheek, gazed into her precious blue eyes, remembering for the first time in years how they used to be the color of slate. So long ago . . .

"Good-bye, Nana-banana," she whispered.

"I love you, Mom." It wasn't a child's wobbly voice that said the words. It was a young woman, ready at last to be on her own. Sniffling, her smile trembling, Natalie pulled away.

She gave her dad a weak grin. "Okay, Dad. Walk me out."

After they'd turned and walked away, Annie kept watching, as the door slowly clicked shut. She surprised herself by not crying.

Oh, she knew that later, in the long darkness of the night, and in the many days that lay ahead, a new kind of loneliness would creep toward her, loose its silent voice in the echo of this emptier house, but she knew, too, that she would survive. She was stronger than she'd been in March. She was ready to let her eldest daughter go into the world.

"Good-bye, Nana," she whispered.

Annie went into labor in the first week of November. She woke in the middle of the night, with her stomach on fire. The second cramp hit so hard, she couldn't breathe.