On A Wing And A Prayer Part 32

Ca.s.s ignored her inner voice.

"It's a start, Sweetie. Send it and let's see what happens," Angie suggested.

Maneuvering the mouse to the 'send' b.u.t.ton, Ca.s.s clicked and watched her note disappear from the screen. Sighing deeply, she logged off the 'Net and shut down the computer. Looking over at Angie, she asked, "Shouldn't you be at the diner helping with the lunch crowd?"

"Holy s.h.i.t!" Angie exclaimed looking at her watch. "Roger is going to kill me ... and it's all your fault. Just for that, you get your b.u.t.t dressed and come help me!" she demanded.

Ca.s.s raised her eyebrows. "You don't really expect ME to cook, do you?" she asked in all seriousness.

"Are you kidding? I'd like to keep my customers coming back, thank you very much! No... I don't expect you to cook, but you sure as h.e.l.l can wait tables!" the older woman reasoned.

"That, I can do, Ang," she replied. "I'll be ready in a jiff," she said running into her bedroom to change, very happy to have a distraction from thoughts of red-gold hair and green eyes.

CHAPTER XXIX.

ROX WAS ON a roll. She had finally put thoughts of Ca.s.s out of her mind long enough to start writing again, when a rumbling from deep within her stomach interrupted her run.

"d.a.m.n!" she exclaimed out loud as the burning sensation that accompanied the rumbling became too uncomfortable to ignore. Looking at the clock on the desk, she suddenly jumped up, startled by the realization that it was nearly 3 p.m. and she still needed to make the taco dip for dinner. Quickly logging onto the 'Net, she checked out her inbox and was devastatingly disappointed to find it empty again. The burning feeling in her stomach turned to a sense of nervous nausea as she allowed a rush of regret to wash over her. After logging off the 'Net, she saved her work from that morning and shut the computer down.

Realizing she had only half the ingredients for the dip, she quickly donned a long sleeved shirt and jeans, a baseball hat and oversized pair of sungla.s.ses, hoping to conceal the worst of her bruises. Little did she know that her obvious attempt at concealment would cause more stares than it would divert.

Glancing at the clock once more and noting that it was 3:04 p.m., she rushed down the stairs and out the front door for a quick trip to the super market.

At 3:06 p.m., at the exact moment that Rox pulled the door shut behind her, Ca.s.s' note arrived in Rox's inbox.

"Where do you want me to put it?" Rox asked, holding the cookie sheet heaped with taco dip.

"There should be some room in the 'frig," answered Nikki as she ushered her friend into the house, closing the door behind her.

Struggling with an effort that would have been a ch.o.r.e for three arms, Rox managed to open the refrigerator and slide the dip inside without dropping the shopping bag of Nacho chips she was also holding. Pushing the door shut with her foot, she threw the chips onto the kitchen table before struggling out of her jacket.

"What's for dinner?" Rox asked.

"Steak, baked potatoes and succotash," she answered as she scrubbed three large baking potatoes in the sink. "Jerri is on the back deck turning the steaks right now."

Coming up behind her friend, Rox wrapped her arms around Nikki and rested her head between the blonde's shoulders. The pair stood still, savoring the feeling of love and friendship for a long moment.

"Thanks for the invite, Nik," Rox said as she broke the embrace. "What can I do to help?"

"We're gonna eat out on the deck. Why don't you grab some dinnerware and set a place for each of us," she suggested.

"Consider it done!" she exclaimed as she collected plates, silverware, ice tea gla.s.ses and napkins, then headed out onto the deck.

"Hey girl!" Jerri called as she saw Rox.

Rox deposited the dishes on the table before walking over to the grill to collect an affectionate hug from her friend.

"Hi Jer," she said, her reply m.u.f.fled as the taller woman pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I see she's put you to work already," Jerri commented as she saw the load of dinnerware on the table.

"Oh yeah ... just like Nikki ... invites me over, then expects me to do all the work!" Rox chuckled.

"She used to do that to me when we were dating, until one day, she put me to work cooking. That was the first ... and last time she ever did that! Flipping steaks is about as far as my cooking talents go!" she responded, grinning ear to ear.

"Sounds like Chris ...." Rox began, an uncomfortable silence descending over them. "d.a.m.n!" she added softly.

Jerri reached out and rubbed Rox's back. "It's okay, hon. It'll be a while before that doesn't happen any more," she a.s.sured her friend.

Rox just nodded before excusing herself to set the table ... a ch.o.r.e she completed in silence as Jerri watched her covertly from the grill.

"Nik, how did you know?" Rox asked as she scooped taco dip with a nacho chip and maneuvered it to her mouth. It was nearly midnight as the three friends sat on an a.s.sortment of pillows on the floor in front of the fireplace, the taco dip and chips sitting in the center of their tableau. A small fire cast a warm glow over their tea party as they wound the evening down.

"How did I know I was gay?" Nikki replied. "Rox, we've talked about this a dozen times!"

"I know we have, but humor me. What was the defining moment for you?" Rox inquired.

"Well," Nikki started, wiping her hands on a paper towel. "I've always known that I was different. As a teenager, all the other girls were fawning over Lief Garrett and Parker Stevenson. I just didn't get what they saw in those guys. I mean, I hung posters of them on my bedroom walls ... just like all the other girls, basically to fit in, but I just didn't get it! On the other hand I thought Linda Carter and Nancy McKeon were absolutely to die for! I really didn't understand what I was feeling at the time, Rox," she confessed, as she reached down to take a long draw on the straw extending from her soda can. "I can remember having a huge crush on my camp counselor and on a couple of the girls at school, but I really didn't a.s.sociate those feelings with being gay at the time. h.e.l.l, I dated several guys in high school!"

"So when DID you know?" Rox asked.

Nikki grinned, looking over at the dark haired woman sitting across from her. "That's easy ... when I met Jerri," she replied seeing the smile in Jerri's eyes. "I knew the minute I laid eyes on her that what I was feeling was more than a mere crush. It was mind boggling ... it completely devoured me. Suddenly, all those latent childhood memories made sense," she explained.

"And how did you feel about that, Nikki? Were you scared?" Rox wanted to know.

"Terrified. I was raised with the traditional male/female image of romantic love. My parents were heavily involved in a very intolerant church. All my friends were straight. I pretty much felt like an outcast. But all of that was minor compared to how I felt when my body reacted so strongly to Jer's presence. G.o.d, she could turn me on with a smile! And the first time she kissed me ... well ... let's just say, thank G.o.d for panty liners!" Nikki exclaimed before continuing. "Rox, I had never felt that way before ... especially not with the boys I had dated. They made me feel dirty and used, and I hardly let them touch me! Look, my point is this ... when I met Jerri, my true nature was awakened. I could have tried to ignore it, fought it, and did what was expected of me by marrying a nice young man, but I didn't ... I couldn't. I had to accept what I was feeling as my truth, and learn to live with it. I was lucky to have Jerri. She was so gentle and patient with me," she explained as she reached out to cup the side of her wife's face.

Rox breathed deeply, a place deep inside of her touched by the depth of her friend's emotions. Turning to Jerri, she asked the same question. "What about you, Jer? When did you know?"

"I think I've always known," she replied. "When I was a teenager, I fell in love with my best friend. I didn't tell her for fear of rejection, but I knew ... I knew exactly what it was. I was obsessed with pleasing her. I couldn't do enough ... I couldn't spend enough time with her. If she knew, she never let on. I agonized for many months over her. Finally, I migrated toward several other girls in school who were either gay or bis.e.xual, and in effect, joined their crowd. Unfortunately, they weren't the nicest girls in town, and soon, I was smoking and drinking and basically running wild. I was initiated into lesbian s.e.x by these girls, and they weren't always nice about it. The wild behavior basically followed me into college. It amazes me that I managed to graduate! Anyway, I didn't actually calm down until I met Nikki," she explained, taking her turn at capturing her wife's smile. "Rox, it was love at first sight. Man! She melted my insides right on the spot. I couldn't breathe ... my heart was pounding so fast I thought it would explode. Suddenly, all I had learned about s.e.x and love flew out the window. I couldn't imagine making love to Nikki as I had been taught ... it seemed so rough, so primative. The first time was very awkward for me. Here I was, the experienced one, fumbling around because I didn't know how to treat her gently. She was very patient with me ... we learned together how to please each other. Rox ... it was the most wonderful feeling in the world," she finished, directing her words at Rox, but maintaining eye contact with Nikki.

Rox looked from Jerri to Nikki and back again to Jerri. It quickly became apparent that she needed to excuse herself for the evening. "Ah ... Geesh! Look at the time!" she exclaimed brightly. Climbing to her feet as her friends continued to hold each other's gaze, she said, "I'll .... just .... let myself out," and quietly left the room, retrieving her jacket from the back of a kitchen chair as she heading for the door. Moments later she was pulling out of the driveway. Pausing at the end of the drive, she looked back at the house, she saw the lights go out, one by one on the lower level, and a lone light illuminate the second story bedroom she knew her friends inhabited. A sudden intense pang of envy shot through her like a bolt of lightning, causing her to catch her breath. Her mind instantly filled with images of Ca.s.s as she pressed the accelerator and headed home.

"Well, that's the last of them," Angie said as she closed and locked the diner door behind the last customer. Turning around, she looked at Ca.s.s who had dropped down into one of the booths and was resting her head on her crossed arms.

"Angie, I don't know how you do this every day. I'm exhausted!" she exclaimed.

"Well, you get used to it," Angie replied.

"Aarrgghh!" Ca.s.s exclaimed, moaning out her tiredness.

"All right ... get out of here ... go home ... go to bed. I'll see you for breakfast in the morning. Okay, sweetling?" Angie said, kissing her on the head.

Nodding her head, Ca.s.s dragged her tired body out of the booth and gave Angie a hug before wishing her a good night and heading home. Entering her condo with heavily measured steps, she chastised herself for being so out of shape. G.o.d, Ca.s.s ... looks like you need to spend more time at the gym. I can't believe you let a woman almost old enough to be your mother, run you into the ground! Turning on the shower, she slowly shed her clothes and stepped under the warm, ma.s.saging spray. Several minutes later, she was freshly showered and dressed in lace panties and an oversized T-shirt. Sitting in front of her computer, she towel dried her hair while she waited for it to boot up. Throwing the towel on the floor, she ran her fingertips through the unruly locks, until she managed to a.s.semble them in a more orderly state of disarray. She knew if she let it dry like that, it would look like she had just spent the past few hours making mad pa.s.sionate love with someone, but she didn't care ... she was home ... she had the weekend off, and she wasn't planning on going anywhere - so who the h.e.l.l cared what her hair looked like. By the time she was done rearranging her hair, her computer had completed it's boot up, and she was ready to log onto the Internet. She was quite proud of herself for patiently waiting for the computer to cycle ... either that, or she was just too d.a.m.ned tired to care!

Unfortunately, Ca.s.s' patience was not rewarded as she was presented with an empty inbox. She stared at the blank page for long moments before she logged off and wearily dragged herself to bed. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she dropped her chin to her chest and sighed deeply. I guess my apology didn't work, E, she mumbled to herself.

Well running off WAS a pretty s.h.i.tty thing to do to her, Ca.s.s. I don't blame her for being angry, Enforcer chided.

"I know," Ca.s.s whispered softly as she stood up and reached to turn down the covers before climbing in.

Rox booted up the computer as soon as she got home, making a cup of hot chocolate as she waited for the system to cycle. When the boot-up was done, she selected Netscape Messenger and waited patiently for the dial-up routine to complete. Finally the server delivered three pieces of new mail to her in box ... one piece of junk mail, one from her literary agent, and one from Rox's breath caught in her throat as she shakily reached for the mouse and directed it to Ca.s.s' note.

"Dear Rox,

I don't know where to start except with an apology for running off like that. It was a stupid and cowardly thing to do. I'm sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You are obviously very angry with me. I wouldn't blame you if you never talked to me again.

Oh Ca.s.s, I would never do that to you. G.o.d, I can feel the pain in your words. I'm so sorry, she thought, feeling guilty for chastising Ca.s.s the way she did.

Rox, I don't know what came over me. I guess the prospect that you wouldn't love me too never crossed my mind. You have made me see how arrogant I really am. Again, I am sorry.

Ca.s.s, honey, it's not about your arrogance ... it's about me misreading your notes ... misinterpreting your picture...

Please believe me when I say I never intended to deceive you. I automatically a.s.sumed you knew I was a woman. I was totally ignorant to the possibility of mistaken ident.i.ty. I was a fool to have sent that picture of Brian and I. I completely understand how you a.s.sumed that I was Brian. I should have been clearer about things.

I know you didn't intend to hurt me, Ca.s.s. G.o.d, I wish we could start over.

Where do we go from here? You said in your note that you need me to help you understand your feelings. I'm not sure I can do that without first understanding them myself. How DO you feel, Rox? You said in one of your notes that you were starting to fall in love with me. Does my being a woman change all that? Should I walk out of your life right now and never bother you again? I am willing to do that if it is what you really want. It will kill me, but I will do it ... for you.

How do I feel? I wish I was sure. Please don't walk out of my life, Ca.s.s. How will I ever be sure about my feelings ... about where my heart truly lies if you leave me?

Rox, I still love you with all my heart. I am afraid that I will never love another the way I love you. I want you to know that you can depend on me for anything. Just call, and I will find a way to be by your side.

No, Ca.s.s. I won't hurt you like that again. You came to me once and I broke your heart ... I won't allow myself to do that again.

Again, I am sorry for hurting you. I will never forgive myself for the pain and confusion I have caused. Please forgive me.

I do, Ca.s.s ... I do.

I love you,

Ca.s.s"

After reading the note, Rox sat back in her chair and stared at the screen for several moments before composing a reply.

"Dear Ca.s.s,

I have been regretting my note to you since the moment I sent it. I am so sorry for its harsh tone. I'm afraid common sense yields to hurtful indignance when I am angry. Please forgive me.

Ca.s.s, I am so confused. I am feeling things now that are totally new and alien to me. I am scared ... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Nikki says that this isn't about being gay ... it's about being in love. I'm sorry Ca.s.s, but I just can't ignore the gay piece of this. Christ, this is hard!

I have never been attracted to women before ... plain and simple. What I feel for you scares the h.e.l.l out of me. I don't understand it ... I can't imagine it. Ca.s.s, I am totally ignorant about lesbian love. Jerri says its the most wonderful feeling in the world ... how do I know if it's right for me? d.a.m.n it, I'm so confused!

I had a long discussion with Nikki and Jerri tonight about gay relationships, and about what to expect. They described their own experiences. So much of what they told me is terrifying ... and just as much of it is exciting and enthralling. Ca.s.s, I have always considered myself to be a diverse, objective person, but it is way easier to remain that way when I am not directly involved.

Ca.s.s, help me ... help me to understand what I'm feeling. I don't want to discount our relationship without exploring how I really feel. I don't want to be on my deathbed 60 years from now wishing I had given our relationship a chance. Talk to me Ca.s.s. I can't do this on my own. I need you.

Until Later,

Rox"