Olla Podrida Part 40

_Lady Eth._ (_screaming._) Oh! oh!

[_Peter leads her to a chair, and she goes into hysterics._

_Peter._ How very affecting.

_Enter Sir Gilbert._

_Adm._ What's all this! Is Lady Etheridge ill?

_Peter._ A little overcome with joy, Sir Gilbert. It will be your turn next.

_Adm._ (_Going to Lady Etheridge, who recovers._) What's the matter, my love?

_Lady Eth._ (_spitting_). O the wretch--the brute! He has taken liberties!

_Adm._ Taken liberties, the scoundrel! Pray, sir, what liberties have you taken with Lady Etheridge?

_Peter._ I only smothered her with kisses.

_Adm._ What do you mean, sir? Are you mad? Smothering her with kisses!

_Peter._ (_smiling_). I certainly did a.s.sume that privilege, Sir Gilbert.

_Adm._ Did you, you rascal? then I'll just a.s.sume another. (_Thrashes Peter round the room._)

_Peter._ My father! O my honoured parent! Oh! your own son! Oh, your affectionate----

[_Exit Peter, pursued by the Admiral._

_Adm._ (_returning, puffing and blowing_). Why, positively, the fellow is stark, staring mad.

_Enter Agnes, Captains Etheridge and Mertoun._

_Capt. Eth._ What is all this disturbance, my dear father?

_Adm._ What is it, why, I hardly can tell. There has been an impudent scoundrel--that young Bargrove--kissing your mother till she has fainted, and swearing that he is my son. Called me his honoured parent--but I cudgelled the rascal!

_Agnes._ (_leaning on Captain Etheridge's shoulder_). O heavens!

_Capt. Eth._ The fellow himself has just now been trying to elbow me out of my birthright. However, I met his pretensions with the same argument as you did. Who could have put all this nonsense into his addled head so firmly, that two good cudgellings cannot beat it out?

_Capt. Mer._ Etheridge, your sister is unwell.

_Capt. Eth._ Don't be alarmed, my dear Agnes.

_Agnes._ Oh! but indeed I am--I expected this.

_Adm._ Expected this! Have you, then, heard anything, my love?

_Agnes._ Yes, I have indeed; just before my brother arrived I was told that my real name was Agnes Bargrove.

_Adm._ How very extraordinary! Who told you so?

_Agnes._ A very strange woman; but she appeared to know all about it. It has made me very unhappy ever since.

_Adm._ This must be inquired into. Where did you meet with her?

_Agnes._ In the lower wood. But Lucy can tell you more. Speak to her.

_Lady Eth._ I'm very ill. Lead me to my room.

[_Exeunt Sir Gilbert and Lady Etheridge._

_Cap. Eth._ And I must away to unravel this deep-laid plot. Mertoun, I must leave you to take care of Agnes.

[_Exit Capt. Etheridge._

_Capt. Mer._ A pleasing change, if I am not unwelcome. May I be permitted, Miss Etheridge, from a very great interest which I must ever take in the prosperity of your family--may I ask if you imagine there is any truth in this report?

_Agnes._ It is impossible for me to answer, Captain Mertoun. Why should such a report be raised without some foundation. True or not, I have ever since felt in a situation so awkward, that I fear my conduct may have appeared strange to others.

_Capt. Mer._ I must confess that your evident restraint towards me, so different from what perhaps my vanity induced me to hope, has been to me a source of wonder as well as regret. May I flatter myself that this rumour has been the occasion of an apparent caprice, which I never could have imagined that Miss Etheridge would have indulged in?

_Agnes._ You must be aware, Captain Mertoun, that I could not receive you as Agnes Etheridge until those doubts upon my parentage were removed. It would not have been honest.

_Capt. Mer._ And was this the only cause for your change of behaviour towards me, Agnes?

_Agnes._ Why--yes,--I believe so.

_Capt. Mer._ Now, then, let me declare that, whether you prove to be Agnes Etheridge, or Agnes Bargrove, those sentiments which I have felt towards you, and which have not hitherto been revealed excepting to your brother, must ever remain the same. For your own sake, and for the sake of Sir Gilbert and Lady Etheridge, who would deeply regret the loss of such a daughter, I trust that the report is without foundation. For my own part, I rather rejoice at this opportunity of proving the sincerity of my attachment. Let me but find favour in the sight of Agnes, and the surname will be immaterial.

_Agnes._ Immaterial, Captain Mertoun!

_Capt. Mer._ Yes, quite so; for I shall persuade you to change it as soon as possible, for my own. (_Kneels._) Tell me, dearest Agnes----

_Agnes._ Tell you what?

_Capt. Mer._ Something that will make me happy.

_Agnes._ (_smiling_). Shall I tell you what the gipsy woman said when she told me my fortune?

_Capt. Mer._ Nay, do not trifle with me.

_Agnes._ (_archly_). I asked whether I should marry the person that I loved.

_Capt. Mer._ A very natural question.

_Agnes._ She replied, "Yes, if he is more generous than the generality of his s.e.x." (_Gives her hand._) Captain Mertoun, you have proved yourself so to be, and, since you offer to take Agnes, truly speaking, for "better or for worse," I will not keep you in suspense by disguising my real sentiments.