Official Book Club Selection Part 16

What did my dad mean to me? This may be my favorite story about him, one that exemplifies how important he was to who I became, as in,

someone who gets fired, stirs up trouble, and gets debated about on CNN for saying bad things on awards shows. One way to look at it is this: Who I became is real y his fault. See, my mom and dad have very different senses of humor. My mom is funny because she's a character and doesn't know it. She just natural y says funny things. My dad was more like a comic, and was able to be funny on cue. It was the perfect combination.

Dad and I sticking to our "never pose seriously" policy.

When I was a little kid, maybe eight or nine, my dad was constantly working around the house fixing up stuff, being a real handyman. He had a knack for it, but mostly Mom was grateful that it saved us money. One of the other families on our block, the Gil ians, had about eight kids. Mr.

Gil ian had just finished fixing up their rec room. He was proud of his work, and wanted to show it off to my dad, handyman to handyman. So one Sunday after church, my dad brought me over to the Gil ians', and they were al there-from the little kids to the parents-sitting in the rec room that was the dad's pride and joy. Mr. Gil ian asked my dad, "So, John, what do you think?"

I was standing next to my dad, facing the Gil ians, waiting for my dad to say something like "Nice job, Sam!"

Instead, he blurted out, "Wha-a-a-a-t a s.h.i.tBOX."

His delivery was dry, his timing was impeccable. It was perfection.

The whole room laughed. Mrs. Gil ian didn't yel at him or tel him he was inappropriate. He didn't get fired from the block. He didn't get banned Barbara Waltersstyle from their house. He just taught me that swearing plus shocking plus good timing equals funny.

He kil ed, and that's when I knew I had the coolest and funniest dad in the neighborhood.

Backstage with my co-presenter Don Rickles, a legend, at the 2008 prime-time Emmys.

"Kathy, you're so mean."

"Oh, Kathy, can't you be funny without swearing so much?"

"But Kathy, David Ha.s.selhoff is so sad, why do you have to make fun of him?"

"Come on, Kathy, how can you say that about that sweet Hal e Berry?"

And my favorite: "For G.o.d's sake, Kathy, Angelina Jolie has children children!

Welcome to a typical day in the life. Unfortunately, these are things I've never said to myself. I don't have to. Other people say them to me constantly. I keep it simple. My number one job is to be funny. I try to be funny more than mean. To me, there's a world of difference and it's perfectly obvious what "the line" is. However, sometimes when I'm trying new stuff out, I end up moving the line a few feet and then crossing it. Oh wel .

Now, for al you celebrities who want to want to be in the act, it's very simple: Do something crazy, preferably in front of me and a few other people. be in the act, it's very simple: Do something crazy, preferably in front of me and a few other people.

When Whitney Houston came up to me backstage at the Bil board Music Awards and waved a finger dangerously close to my face, saying, "Don't ever make fun of me," how does that not go not go into the act? She obviously wasn't afraid to do it in front of people, because there were three other people who saw it. into the act? She obviously wasn't afraid to do it in front of people, because there were three other people who saw it.

I once asked the great Don Rickles how he's dealt with this issue over the course of his fifty-plus career making people laugh and pushing the envelope. What would he do if a celebrity came up to him and said, "Don't talk about me in your act again"? And of course he said, "Put 'em in the act."

I couldn't have said it better, Mr. Warmth!

But I do get asked a lot, how do I determine who's fair game?

Britney Spears is an example of someone who may never be out of bounds, she's such a delicious font of crazy. I've met her a couple of times, and I can safely say, she's dumb as a stick. I wish I could say there was a side of Britney you don't know about, that real y she's a Rhodes scholar who hides her love of cla.s.sical music and French literature because it doesn't go with her image. The truth is, she's a complete moron, and I'm surprised she can even function.

And what stood out when I met her is, she carries no shame about being an idiot. That's what makes her funny. I mean, if I'm caught not knowing something, at least I feel guilty or embarra.s.sed about it. But this girl, with her gum-popping and malapropisms, has no concept of thinking the way most of us would. That interview with Matt Lauer, the one she did without any publicists to guide her, was proof positive of her cluelessness. She's sitting there popping that gum, her fake eyelash is fal ing off, she's wearing the prerequisite denim mini with her gut hanging out, weird s.h.i.t is coming out of her mouth, and I'm thinking, Okay, not so much a victim, Britney Okay, not so much a victim, Britney.

And if you're going to go on the Video Music Awards and lip sync your new hit with crazy dirty hair extensions and not know the dance moves, Bingo! You're in the act!

I can hear it now. "You can't make fun of her. She's a mom!"

Real y? Wel , can I make fun of someone who barely appears to be conscious most of the time?

But I wil say, when the reports came out that she was on suicide watch, I backed off. If someone's in real danger, it's just not funny to me.

But many of the stars who go into rehab and clearly don't take it seriously, and you know who you are, they're fair game. Most of those, by the way, have the last name Lohan, and they reside on Long Island.

A couple of examples of my set lists, which I use as topic points when I perform.

Anna Nicole Smith exemplifies how I feel about boundaries, since she was a tabloid figure who was fun to razz until it clearly wasn't fun anymore. When Anna Nicole had her reality show, she was the kind of loopy train wreck you couldn't not talk about. The gays loved her cause she was a big girl and beautiful and s.e.xy and had that mixture of crazy, drug-induced Texas tw.a.n.g and garden-variety stupidity. I'l never forget getting to go to her Christmas party, the one they shot for her E! show.

What a juicy hub of insanity that was: That troubled female ex-wrestler Chyna was there, Rip Taylor was helping in the kitchen, and Anna Nicole herself was like a whirling dervish. I was actual y pretty impressed at how she was filming and running around and getting drunk and being ridiculous and yet actual y spearheading an authentic Southern meal.

The food was f.u.c.king delicious. She was real y cooking it, too, the turkey, ham, stuffing, and what she cal ed "puh-taters."

When things started to get real y nuts with her toothless cousin Shel y flying off the handle and getting into an altercation with the makeup girl, my friend and I decided to split. As much as I love a good scene, this one got too crazy even for me. I can observe al day long, don't get me wrong, but I have no desire to be immersed in crazy in a way that's scary or threatening. That's why I'd never do something like The Surreal The Surreal Life Life in a mil ion years. It's not fun for me to get into a screaming match with Omarosa, and even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could even track down her crazy a.s.s at this point. Now, in the case of the Anna Nicole holiday wingding, if I could have gone across the street with some FBI surveil ance equipment, I would have watched the goings-on al night long. But I don't think my audience wants to hear about how I manufactured a scene. They'd rather I take notes on what I experience, then comment on it. in a mil ion years. It's not fun for me to get into a screaming match with Omarosa, and even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could even track down her crazy a.s.s at this point. Now, in the case of the Anna Nicole holiday wingding, if I could have gone across the street with some FBI surveil ance equipment, I would have watched the goings-on al night long. But I don't think my audience wants to hear about how I manufactured a scene. They'd rather I take notes on what I experience, then comment on it.

Anyway, Anna Nicole was someone I'd had a few experiences with over the years, and though she was almost always out of it, she was also always nice. The claws came out with her attorney Howard K.

Stern, and my personal belief is that while the general perception is that he was some Svengali who had her under his control, from my observation she she was cal ing the shots, putting him in his place, and yel ing at him, while he fol owed her around like a puppy dog. was cal ing the shots, putting him in his place, and yel ing at him, while he fol owed her around like a puppy dog.

I heard about Anna Nicole's death when I was on tour, as I was pul ing into Cleveland and checking into a hotel. I went to lunch and the news was on television in the restaurant. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember the bartender saying to me, "Now you've real y got to go for her in your act!" I thought that was interesting, that this guy a.s.sumed I would gun for her harder. Somebody else that day said something similar to me, and I replied, "You know, I knew her. Not wel , but I did know her."

There were a mil ion things about her that were funny and outrageous, and when she'd do something bizarre in my presence, I couldn't not not talk about it. But when somebody dies that day, I'm not rubbing my hands together saying, "Oooh, a new chunk for the act!" It's real y the opposite, and in fact, I haven't talked about her onstage since. That's not to say there's a steadfast rule about this kind of thing, but instinct was tel ing me it wasn't funny. The first show I did after her death, which was only hours after the announcement, I started by saying, "Okay, everyone, let's address the elephant in the room. I know you guys al want me to talk about Anna Nicole." And there was a lot of clapping. I said, "Wel , you know, I sort of knew her. We're not going there. Okay, on to the next subject!" It was uncomfortable, and I understand why the audience would expect something hot off the presses being addressed, but I'm tel ing you, if I had started in on her, I would have lost that crowd two minutes in. talk about it. But when somebody dies that day, I'm not rubbing my hands together saying, "Oooh, a new chunk for the act!" It's real y the opposite, and in fact, I haven't talked about her onstage since. That's not to say there's a steadfast rule about this kind of thing, but instinct was tel ing me it wasn't funny. The first show I did after her death, which was only hours after the announcement, I started by saying, "Okay, everyone, let's address the elephant in the room. I know you guys al want me to talk about Anna Nicole." And there was a lot of clapping. I said, "Wel , you know, I sort of knew her. We're not going there. Okay, on to the next subject!" It was uncomfortable, and I understand why the audience would expect something hot off the presses being addressed, but I'm tel ing you, if I had started in on her, I would have lost that crowd two minutes in.

I guarantee you people would have thought, b.u.mmer b.u.mmer, and then it clouds the entire show.

So in my own way, I have boundaries.

But real y, there's nothing I won't talk about, and what happens is you have to know your audience, and you have to be able to read their temperature. When I started at the Groundlings, there was a steadfast rule when it came to improvising: no cancer, no AIDS. There was no way to put a funny spin on those two topics, so don't bother even mentioning them by name or talking about them. Then when I went into stand-up, I figured the same rule applied. But it wasn't until I started doing charity work in the gay community, meeting so many people afflicted with AIDS and hearing them tel the most filthy, disgusting, and horrible jokes about AIDS, that I realized that for them, that's what they needed to get through it. That when you have a disease that grave, your threshold for what's funny is probably so much higher than everyone else's that you almost need a pushing-the-envelope type of joke to get you to laugh.

When SNL SNL alum Julia Sweeney's brother Mike was dying of cancer, and then through a terrible coincidence she got cancer, too, I would cal their house, and they would take turns answering the phone, "House of Cancer." When Mike was il , it was so important for him to laugh that he had no tolerance for smal talk. He wanted to hear the most out-there jokes he could. alum Julia Sweeney's brother Mike was dying of cancer, and then through a terrible coincidence she got cancer, too, I would cal their house, and they would take turns answering the phone, "House of Cancer." When Mike was il , it was so important for him to laugh that he had no tolerance for smal talk. He wanted to hear the most out-there jokes he could.

I've mentioned my late friend Judy Tol before in the book, but when she was sick with cancer, she once said to me, "Wil you come over and make fun of my il ness?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Al those years you thought I was a hypochondriac, and here I am dying of cancer. But it always made me laugh. So wil you come over and make fun of me?"

"Of course, but ... I don't want to be mean."

"No, it won't be mean. It's going to make me laugh. It's going to get me out of my head."

It's held true so many times that when I meet people suffering from AIDS, they don't want to hear a knock-knock joke. They're in a battle, so they want the jokes to be fearless, too. I have a friend with ful -blown HIV, and to this day he cal s it the b.u.t.t flu, and it always makes him laugh.

Things like that real y changed my att.i.tude about what's on the table and what's off. I don't go out of my way to do jokes about certain subjects, but I also realize that depending on the audience, I may not have to hold back.

Consider the men and women I met when I performed for the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, or for those recovering from war injuries at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Soldiers in the field are people whose lives are in danger every day. They wake up thinking there's a 50/50 chance they could die that night. Imagine if you were in that situation. You'd need something pretty hard-core to make you laugh if you were carrying that around al day. "So the dog's thinking ..." jokes aren't going to cut it. You have to make fun of everything: the insurgents, the officers, the location,

the food, and the soldiers themselves!

That's why I'm just blown away when things like FanningGate happen.

When you've been in a war zone making men and women in uniform laugh, hurt feelings in Hol ywood are not high on your list of things to worry about.

Me at Walter Reed Army Medical Center surrounded by heroes.

Here's that ridiculous saga: For the 20042005 awards season I was hired by E! channel to be their replacement for Joan and Melissa Rivers, who had gone on to sign an $8 mil ion deal at TV Guide channel. In reality, E! considered me number two to Star Jones, whom everyone at the channel was excited about because she'd be able to talk about impending awards show coverage on The View The View. But at least they knew I'd be the funny one.

Legitimately funny, that is. I was thril ed.

I have to say, for whatever trouble I ultimately caused at the 2005 Golden Globes over Dakota Fanning, it was Star who was the pain in the a.s.s. On The View The View, we'd gotten along fine, but it wasn't until we did the red carpet coverage together that I found her to be unpleasant, humorless, and kind of a malcontent. I'd hear her being snippy with the crew, complaining that she wouldn't rehea.r.s.e for more than half an hour.

And there was a hilarious diva moment during rehearsal when she and a whole posse of minions were walking by, and when I said "Hi," she barked to her people, "We're WALKING, we're WALKING, we're WALKING."

I, meanwhile, was just happy to be in a pretty dress and meeting celebrities. My idea for questions on the red carpet, though, was to avoid the what-are-you-wearing kind-because I'm not a fashionista -and do something sil ier, more offbeat. I didn't even want to try to do Joan's shtick, because she's the master of that. I don't know designers like she does, nor do I have those relationships with stars like Dustin Hoffman and Robin Wil iams. I wanted to see who would play along with me. Could I ask Kanye West, "What's your favorite meal at the Olive Garden?" E! was fine with that, so I got together a couple of friends to help me come up with those kinds of absurdist questions to ask celebs on the red carpet.

One bit I thought would be funny was to come up with some fake news that celebrities could comment on. I love those moments when some famous person is getting their f.u.c.king tonsils taken out or something, and celebrities send them special shout-outs to the camera: "Good luck with your tonsil surgery! G.o.d bless you!" Insufferable, right? Wel , I wanted to start a rumor that the most unlikely celebrity you could imagine had gone to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, and then solicit those messages from celebrities right to camera. I couldn't say Lindsay Lohan or Britney because those basket cases you'd believe. Then I thought, Of course. Dakota Fanning Of course. Dakota Fanning . Little Dakota Fanning: ten years old, angelic face, impeccably mannered, kind to a r.e.t.a.r.d, er, special needs r.e.t.a.r.d, or whatever, in . Little Dakota Fanning: ten years old, angelic face, impeccably mannered, kind to a r.e.t.a.r.d, er, special needs r.e.t.a.r.d, or whatever, in I Am Sam I Am Sam. Perfect.

When the cameras started rol ing and we were live, the sil y questions turned out to be real y fun. People like Clive Owen and my former student/victim Mariska Hargitay (who sustained no injuries that day at the Groundlings) were great, and even the panicked reactions from celebs like Michael Chiklis and his wife, whom I asked if they were getting a hooker later for their hotel room, made for great TV. Then I started my rumor about Ms. Fanning, and every celebrity I said it to laughed. Some even added their own spin. Sean Hayes from Will & Will & Grace Grace said, "Al I can say is, Dakota, you don't want to go south. Uh-oh, South Dakota!" We were laughing, and I'l admit I was pretty proud of this running bit. said, "Al I can say is, Dakota, you don't want to go south. Uh-oh, South Dakota!" We were laughing, and I'l admit I was pretty proud of this running bit.

When we went off air, the people from E! said, "How do you think it went?" Which is usual y the beginning of a "You're f.u.c.king fired"

conversation. But I just said, "I thought some of it worked, some of it didn't, but overal kind of fun."

They said, "Okay."

Monday morning my attorney cal ed. "Wel , I got a cal from Camp Fanning."

"Who's Camp Fanning?" I said.

"Dakota Fanning's camp."

"Wait, you're saying there's a Camp Fanning? What do you mean, like a summer camp? You got a cal from a bunch of counselors?"

"No," he said. "She has a movie coming out, a Steven Spielberg picture cal ed War of the Worlds War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise, and they're extremely upset. Did you say she was a drug addict?" with Tom Cruise, and they're extremely upset. Did you say she was a drug addict?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes. I said that she went to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse. Why?"

"Wel , they're upset that you said that. She's ten years old and she has a giant blockbuster coming out, and they feel like it could affect the box office."

That seemed like bul s.h.i.t. How was a movie with the biggest star in the world and from the biggest director in the world going to be hurt by my joke? Which was, I remind you, a joke joke. Nevertheless, someone from the channel cal ed and said, "We'd like you to issue an apology."

I said, "Okay, here's my statement: 'You'd have to be a complete f.u.c.king moron to think I was serious. The end.' How's that?"

"That's not an apology," he said.

"Wel , that's the best I've got. I'm standing by it. What idiot would think I was serious about ten-year-old Dakota Fanning going to rehab? Have you seen her on Oprah? Oprah? She's so innocent-looking it's ridiculous. She practical y wears a lacy dol dress and looks like she's going to her first Holy Communion. And by the way, I'd like some credit for not saying it was Lindsay Lohan, for once." She's so innocent-looking it's ridiculous. She practical y wears a lacy dol dress and looks like she's going to her first Holy Communion. And by the way, I'd like some credit for not saying it was Lindsay Lohan, for once."

Wel , the cal s to my agents and attorney wouldn't stop. Team Fanning was upset, as wel as Camp Fanning, and Fanning, Ltd., and Fanning & Roebuck, and Fanning Amalgamated, and whoever the f.u.c.k were her peeps. My reaction was always, "Whatever publicity anybody wants to throw my way about how awful this is, please go ahead, because I'm super excited that this could blow up into something big."

And it did, because I then heard Spielberg was personal y furious with me. I read in the New York Post New York Post that Spielberg's publicist issued a statement to Page Six: "It was a very upsetting thing for a young child and her family. Obviously, to Kathy Griffin it was a joke, but why make a joke out of [Fanning]? She's a terrific young lady who was there with her family, and it was very upsetting." that Spielberg's publicist issued a statement to Page Six: "It was a very upsetting thing for a young child and her family. Obviously, to Kathy Griffin it was a joke, but why make a joke out of [Fanning]? She's a terrific young lady who was there with her family, and it was very upsetting."

That "young lady" part was better than anything I could have come up with. Cal ing a ten-year-old a "lady"? How much would I have laughed if I was ten and everyone cal ed me a "terrific young lady"!

Also, I was so thril ed that somebody as powerful as Steven Spielberg knew who I was. I thought, This is great! This is great! Seriously, that was a career high. But I think this means I would not do wel in a Mafia situation, because if a hit were put out on me I'd be too excited. I'd just be walking around saying, "The Gottis know my name! The Gottis know my name! Seriously, that was a career high. But I think this means I would not do wel in a Mafia situation, because if a hit were put out on me I'd be too excited. I'd just be walking around saying, "The Gottis know my name! The Gottis know my name!

Woo-hoo!" As blood came gushing out of the hole in my head.

Wel , E! didn't fire me right away, but when it came time for me to cover the Academy Awards for them, they stuck me on what they cal ed the "media bridge"-a bridge that hovered over the red carpet by several dozen feet, and in my case was a euphemism for "you're not getting anywhere near those f.u.c.king celebrities"-and eventual y after the Oscars I was replaced by Giuliana Rancic nee DiPandi.

But I did live off that brouhaha for quite a while. There was a funny moment at a gift suite for the Golden Globes-back when doling out free s.h.i.t to famous people was respectable, and none of it was taxed -when a woman came up to me as I was getting my free under-eye cream and said, "You know, you upset Dakota Fanning so much that she couldn't leave her bedroom for days, and she wouldn't let anyone open the curtains."

I just looked at her like she was bats.h.i.t. "What are you talking about?"

She said, "She cried and cried for days in her room."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure you're making that up," I said, and walked away.

Someone who saw al this said to me, "That's someone from the Hol ywood Foreign Press a.s.sociation." The group who chooses who wins Golden Globes.

"Wel , I don't care. I think that was someone from the f.u.c.king Crazy a.s.sociation."

Big deal. Spielberg won't let me star in any of his movies, and I won't win any Golden Globes for the Spielberg movies I'm not in. I'l take my celebrity rehab jokes any day, thank you very much.

And by the way, I have nothing against Dakota Fanning, who's obviously a very gifted and talented young actress. I mean, lady. But I would like a m.u.f.fin basket from al the Lohans, because it would have been so much easier to make that joke, and n.o.body would have flinched.

As a side note, I'l tel you just how vicious Hol ywood real y is. One of my agents actual y said to me, "You know, if you had just made that joke about Haley Joel Osment or Jonathan Lipnicki, it would have been fine.

Because they're not hot anymore."

Ouch. Can I just say, that is way way more harsh than any f.u.c.king Dakota Fanning joke I could make. That Hol ywood would have given me the stamp of approval if I had just picked on a kid whose "career" had cooled instead of a kid who was behind a giant blockbuster where they could al make money, was real y an eye-opener. So for the record, my apologies are to Jonathan Lipnicki and Haley Joel Osment. Stay off the smack, boys. more harsh than any f.u.c.king Dakota Fanning joke I could make. That Hol ywood would have given me the stamp of approval if I had just picked on a kid whose "career" had cooled instead of a kid who was behind a giant blockbuster where they could al make money, was real y an eye-opener. So for the record, my apologies are to Jonathan Lipnicki and Haley Joel Osment. Stay off the smack, boys.