Off Limits Part 4

Their laughter was soft, mingled. Alex glanced up and nearly drowned in thesmoky blueness of Jim's eyes. The change in him was startling, wonderful. Theurge to reach up, touch his unshaven cheek and kiss him, was overwhelming.

Alex saw his eyes change and grow narrowed. Her breath snagged as she readthat intent: he wanted to kiss her, too. The moment crystallized-thendissolved as the haunted expression returned to his face, conquering his needof her.

Returning her attention to the rice, Alex ate in silence. What terrible shadowloomed over Jim?

"What I don't understand," Jim said, trying to ease the sudden awkwardnessbetween them, "is why you don't have a man."

"Mostly because of my schooling, Jim. I have a straight-A average-my fatherwouldn't settle for anything less." She gave him a wry look. "A congressman'sdaughter has to be the best at everything, didn't you know?"

He heard the sarcasm in her voice. "Has it always been like that for you?Those kinds of expectations and pressures?"

"Sure. Case and Buck got straight A's without ever cracking a book. Me? I haveto study my head off night and day to make those grades. Mother says I haveher genes. She struggled through school, too."

"This nursing, is it what you want to do?"

Alex nodded. "More than anything in the world. I'm a lot like my mother, Iguess. She had dreams of being a nurse, too, but she married my father whenshe was eighteen, so she never got the chance. In some ways, I'm following herdream."

"I bet you'll make a fine nurse."

"If I can get past my reaction to blood," Alex said wryly. She finished thelast of the rice and handed the bowl back to him. Jim helped her lie back downand tucked the blanket around her.

Busying himself with the heating tab and making more rice for them, Jim said,"A nurse who can't stand the sight of blood? What will you do about it?"

"There are lots of different kinds of nursing, Jim. One area that reallyintrigues me is psychology. I've chosen to go into psychiatric nursing."

"Oh, the shrinks," he teased.

"I know our society thinks psychology is for crazy people, but they're wrong.There are a lot of reasons why humans react the way they do to certainstresses, certain situations."

"No argument from me," he said as he held the canteen cup over the lightedmagnesium tab to heat the water. The odor from the tab stung his nostrils, andhe moved as far away as he could. It was a stringent, stinging odor. The smellof the magnesium could bring VC to the tunnel; it was a risk to do this.

"My ma said my pa was never the same after the big war."

"Battle fatigue," Alex guessed grimly. "Even now, I'm getting horriblenightmares that are a part of the symptom pattern. I'm sure I'll have them fora long time afterward. I learned those things in my psychology cla.s.ses. I likeunderstanding how our feelings run our mind and vice versa."

"Well," Jim whispered, "this war is going to do a lot of damage to every man and woman who gets trapped in it." Looking over at Alex, he added, "We'regoing to need people like you to help us heal afterward."

The question was on her lips to ask about Jim's trauma that continued to haunthis eyes and his voice.

Alex felt miraculously better. Was it because of the sulfa powder fighting herinfection or because Jim had come back safely to her? Sleep snagged Alex, andshe told him she was going to rest. This time her dreams were about Jimkissing her, and her kissing him back. The coming days would reveal herfuture. Would the sulfa drugs halt the infection enough so that she could makeit to a marine firebase? Would Jim help her get close to one? Or would shehave to try to brave it on her own? The questions were unanswerable, andAlex's torrid dreams turned dark and threatening.

"How many days has it been?" Alex asked as she leaned against the tunnel wall.Jim sat opposite her as they ate their daily ration of rice.

"Six." He pursed his lips. "Your wound's doing much better. I don't understandwhy the infection won't leave."

Alex felt much improved, with some of her old strength returning after thesulfa drugs had cut back the fever. "Probably debris still in the wound," sheguessed. She continued to run a fever that would spike over a hundred everytwelve hours or so. It was at those times, when she grew chilled and began toshiver, that Jim would hold her in his arms. For Alex it was when she feltsafest-even happy.

A chill racked her, and she groaned.

Jim looked up and frowned. "The fever back again?"

Upset, Alex nodded and set the wooden bowl aside. She had counted on the sulfadrugs getting her stabilized enough to make it to the marine firebase.

Jim put her bowl away. Shadows showed beneath Alex's glorious gray eyes, andher cheekbones seemed to jut out from her increasingly gaunt face. Jim'sconscience gnawed at him more with every pa.s.sing hour. He had to get Alex to U.S. lines for medical a.s.sistance.

"Here," he offered, "I'll hold you till they stop."

Alex nodded and gripped the blanket, wishing mightily for a hot bath and a bedto rest upon instead of a dirt floor. But she kept her wishes to herself. Jimwas doing the best he could under the circ.u.mstances. As he slid over andsettled his back against the wall, Alex moved into the circle of his awaitingembrace. He drew the blanket up over her shoulders and gently placed his lankyarms around her.

"There," Jim sighed, "that's better." How he looked forward to these raretimes with Alex in his arms. The last six days had worked a miracle of sortsupon him. Alex was a fighter, there was no doubt. She never whimpered orcomplained about the pain he knew she tolerated. When the VC were nearby, shehuddled in his arms, face pressed against his damp shirt, trembling, but neveruttering a word that might give them away. There weren't many with her kind of courage.

With a sigh, Alex relaxed completely in Jim's embrace. She pressed her cheekagainst his chest and closed her eyes, the beat of his heart rea.s.suringbeneath her ear. "I always feel safe with you," she uttered tiredly.

Jim whispered, "I feel whole with you in my arms, gal. Ma always said thatwhen I found a woman who made me feel complete, I'd know how she felt aboutPa."

"I like what we have." Alex laughed slightly. "Despite the circ.u.mstances."

"Yeah, I sure never met anyone like you in the real world."

Alex nodded. "I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not sorry I met you," sheadmitted softly.

"No?" Jim smoothed down strands of her sable hair. Alex's face was waxen and glistening with sweat. He could feel her trembling, but she didn't complain.

"No."

It was his turn to laugh, only it was a strangled sound that came up histhroat. "Gal, I'm a sorry lot in comparison to the men at your college."

Despite the racking chills, Alex drew away just enough to look up into hisshadowed features. The day was waning, the dusk casting a grayish lightthrough the tunnel. Raising her hand, she pressed it against his chest wherehis heart lay. Risking all the trust they'd built in the last week, Alex said,"Tell me what happened to you, Jim. What was so awful that you think you'rethe worst human being on earth?"

He looked down at her small hand resting against his chest. Her touch waswonderful, healing. "I-I can't, Alex... you'll think-"

"Hasn't the last week shown you something about me?" Alex demanded softly."Please, trust me enough to tell me what happened to you."

The pleading quality of her voice sheared through him. Jim felt his heartmushroom with agony and guilt-and the overwhelming need to tell someone.

Slowly he lifted his chin to meet her beautiful dove-gray gaze. "I'm tellingyou," he rasped unsteadily, "you'll hate me when I'm done."

Adamantly, Alex shook her head. She gripped his shirtfront with her fingers."Trust me, Jim."

Tipping his head back, he shut his eyes tightly and gripped the hand restingagainst his chest. "Sweet G.o.d in heaven," he said rawly. Jim cared what Alexthought of him. She was the woman of his dreams. And when he held her in hisarms like this, he knew he was as close to heaven as he was ever going to get.Because he was surely destined for h.e.l.l. His time with Alex was severelylimited, he realized, hopelessness dashing his dreams. The stupid dreams of aboy, not a man, he decided sadly. He was falling deeply in love with Alex, but.i.t could never be reciprocated. She was a congressman's daughter, a woman ofletters already far more educated than he ever could be.

His mouth growing dry, he released a long, shuddering breath. "Okay, I'll tellyou," he said heavily. And after he did, Alex would hate him as much as hehated himself.

Chapter Five.

Jim didn't know where to begin. He could only gather Alex into his embrace and feel a trembling begin deep inside him. The taste in his mouth was bitter.Finally, he forced the words out.

"There's a village deep in VC territory that always hid us for a day or twowhen we came through that area. We'd made friends with the chief and hisfamily. He had a granddaughter-about six years old- who took a shine to me. Ialways called her Kim, although that wasn't her real name. My uncle has adaughter that age. Her name is Kimberly, and we always called her Kim. Anyway,every time we came to the village, this little girl would single me out, climbinto my arms, follow me around. When her ma would come to get her, Kim wouldstart cryin' and want to stay with me. It was the darndest thing. She knewwhere I hid candy bars, and I'd pack extra for her every time we went on amission in that area, "We swung through the area on that last mission about a month ago. But when wegot to the edge of the village, somethin' didn't feel right, so our team hungback." Jim shook his head and stared blankly at the tunnel wall opposite him."It was just a feeling, an ugly feeling. Lieutenant Breckenridge sensedsomething was wrong-we all did, but none of us could put our finger on what itwas. We remained hidden, and no one knew we were there.

"A couple of men we didn't recognize walked through the village during thosehours. We caught sight of Kim and her mother. They looked unhappy, but theywere going about their business at one of the cooking fires. I wondered if thestrangers were VC." Jim shook his head. "None of us knew, but we'd been out onthe mission for five days and we were hungry. We'd planned to stop at thevillage, pick up information the chief had promised us, eat and leave the nextmorning. One of our men-Stein, our radioman-had injured himself pretty badly,and Lieutenant Breckenridge wanted to get him some care. We knew we could get.i.t at this friendly village.

"Finally, the lieutenant gave the signal for us to split up. He decided we'dstay hidden at the edge of the jungle and try to get the attention of some ofthe people we knew were on our side, to find out if it was safe to enter thevillage. It was a good plan. I got the job of trying to reach the chief." Hisarms tightened around Alex momentarily.

"Then, all h.e.l.l broke loose. Stein was discovered by one of the strangers atthe edge of the jungle, I knew they weren't friendly forces when they draggedhim out into the center of the small village. The leader of these strangers,we found out later, was Binh Duc, the regional VC chief. He started shriekingto his men to gather the villagers. About fifty people were rounded up, andDuc took his AK-47 and started beating the old men, trying to get them to tellhim about Stein, who was unconscious.

"I saw Duc pick up Kim, and that's when I lost it. I leaped out of the jungleand ran into the village. I yelled at the son of a b.i.t.c.h to let go of thelittle girl. The VC ducked behind the villagers, using them as shields. Icouldn't risk a firefight until Lieutenant Breckenridge got into position onthe other side of the village. Duc knew I wouldn't fire into a ma.s.s of people.When Duc turned, he smiled at me and put Kim down. Kim didn't know what wasgoing on. She didn't realize Duc would kill her if the chief didn't tell thetruth about us."

Jim shut his eyes, and his voice grew hoa.r.s.e. "I saw the b.a.s.t.a.r.d take a blackgrenade from his belt. He knelt down, all the while keeping his eyes on me. Ihad my rifle raised, ready to kill any man who laid a hand on Kim. Duc knewthat-" Jim's voice cracked.

Opening his eyes, his voice thick with emotion, her whispered, "Duc put the grenade in Kim's hands and crouched down next to her. I heard him tell her totake the grenade to me. She didn't know what it was. She had no idea it couldkill both of us. I watched in horror as Duc pulled the pin, giving us only tenseconds before it would explode. On his command, Kim came running toward me,her hand outstretched with the grenade in it. She was smiling, thinking it wa.s.some kind of game.

"I-I screamed at her to throw it away, but she laughed and kept running towardme." He buried his face in Alex's hair. His arms tightened around her. "I-Ididn't have a choice. I-oh, Lordy, if I had to do it all over again... Icouldn't run, because Duc and his men had their rifles trained on me. Theywere all grinning. They knew they were using an innocent little girl to killme...and they didn't care if she was killed, too.

"I remember standing there frozen, this horror washing through me. I saw thechief's face, I saw his disbelief at his granddaughter carrying that livegrenade. No one could yell at Kim to throw it away, because Duc's men wouldhave shot them on the spot. Duc wanted me. Duc used Kim..."

Alex raised her head, her eyes awash with tears. She felt Jim trembling andgripped his shirtfront. His face looked tortured, his eyes alive with grief,anger and desperation. Tears were running down his taut face. "My G.o.d," shebreathed, "did you have to- Did you-"

"I shot her."

Silence fell in the tunnel. Alex sat up, her mouth dropping open. His wordsfell flat against her ears, and she stared at Jim in horror. He glanced downat her, then looked away as he wiped the tears savagely from his face.

"I killed Kim so that I could live," he rasped harshly. "My miserable life forhers. She was innocent." Then he covered his face with his hands and sobbed outright. "She was just a little tyke!" he cried, his voice strangled. "And Iloved her! I really loved her. Yet I murdered her!"

With a cry, Alex lifted her good arm and slid it around Jim's hunched, shakingshoulders. He sat curled up, hurting. The sound of his sobs tore at her. She'dnever heard a man cry, and this was worse than she ever could have imagined.She eased Jim against her small frame, his head buried next to hers. Tearsblurred Alex's vision and her heart mushroomed with simultaneous grief and anger.

Finally Jim stopped sobbing and lay crouched next to her. Alex had lost trackof time as she cried with him, cried for the terrible weight and pain he hadborne since the incident. Instinctively, she knew it was the first time he'dadmitted his atrocity out loud- probably the first time he'd cried for Kim orhimself.

"What happened next?" Alex asked, sensing that talking about it wouldeventually help Jim.

He shrugged. "All h.e.l.l broke loose. Lieutenant Breckenridge got the drop onDuc's men from another angle and our team killed five VC. Duc faded into thejungle. When the shooting started, I reacted automatically and took cover.Lieutenant Breckenridge found me later, and I was in shock. He knew it. Hesaid he was sorry. All around us villagers were shrieking and crying. I waslying curled up on the ground-I remember getting up and finding Kim's ma. Shewas weeping and screaming. I-I tried to tell her I was sorry, but what could Isay? Words were useless for what I was feeling, for how Kim's ma was feeling.

"The lieutenant said we had to get out of there. With Duc in the vicinity, wewere only putting those brave people at further risk, so we left. I rememberrunning late that night, with Duc's forces after us. That's when I fell intothis tunnel and busted up my leg. When I woke up, I was real clear about onething-I'd never fire a rifle again. I was done with killing. I had a lot oftime alone to think, to feel. Kim was an innocent victim. I murdered her tosave my own skin. And for what? I see her in my dreams. I relive it nightafter night. Why did I save myself? If I had it to do over again, I'd haverun, I wouldn't have killed her. Better to be drilled by a VC bullet than tohurt Kim."

Alex shook her head and gripped his damp shirt. "No, listen to me, Jim. Kimwas going to die anyway. Don't you realize that? I'm not an expert ongrenades, but if the pin was pulled, that grenade was going to explode."

Jim forced himself to look at Alex. Her lovely gray eyes were shimmering withtears. How badly he wanted to take her into his arms, to hold her. Just herproximity took away some of the torturous agony he lived with. "That's not thepoint," he said, his voice gravelly. "I chose to pull the trigger and murderher."

"No!" Alex tensed, afraid her raised voice might alert VC to their hidingplace. "No!" she cried again softly. "Kim was going to die, Jim. Who's to sayyou didn't give her a less painful death? A quicker one? The grenade mighthave mutilated but not killed her. She could have lingered on the edge ofdeath for days, limbs lost to the explosion. Haven't you looked at otherpossibilities?"

Morosely, he shook his head. "You don't understand, Alex-I shot Kim. Icold-bloodedly decided to take her life to save mine."

Her heart aching, Alex stared at him in the gloom. "Then you're really not adeserter or a coward," she said. "You let me think that."

Jim couldn't meet her eyes, afraid of seeing censure or revulsion over whathe'd done. "I-I didn't have the guts to tell you the truth..."

With a small cry, Alex touched his grim face, feeling the p.r.i.c.kles of hisbeard rough against her palm. "Jim, you did what you had to do to survive."

He glanced at her. "Would you have shot Kim?"

Wincing, Alex hung her head. "That's not a fair question. I refused to learnto shoot a rifle. I can't conceive of shooting anything."

Rubbing at his left leg, its dull ache always present, almost rea.s.suring, Jimsaid, "I turned into a killer."

"You defended yourself the best you could under awful circ.u.mstances."

"I can't go back to the marines, Alex. I can't change what happened, but I canchange the present-and my future," he muttered. "I decided not to take sidesin this war. I'll scrounge off the land and be a shadow. I won't ever pick upa rifle to kill again. I'll die myself before I'll do that." He pointed to theM-14 with its broken stock. "I took my rifle and smashed it against a tree.I'll never use a rifle to kill again. All I have is my Kabar knife, and I'lluse it only to help me get food. I won't ever raise a weapon in defense ofmyself again."

"That makes you a conscientious objector," Alex said gently, "not a deserter."

Miserably, Jim looked up at her. "Words... I thought life would be simpleafter I made my decision. But then, you dropped into my life." He kept pickingat the vine knot on his makeshift splint. "At first, I was angry you'd come.Then, this past week, I changed my mind."

Shaken, Alex reached out and touched his slumped shoulder. "What do you mean,Jim?"

With a deep, ragged sigh, he shrugged. "You remind me of home, of my family-ofthings I'd forgotten about. So many memories, good memories, have come back tome while you've been here." A corner of his mouth curved, but his eyes werefilled with sadness. "I realized what I'd become as a recon. I'd allowed myneed for my pa to be proud of me to turn me into something I never wanted tobe-a killer." He rubbed his head and hair distractedly. "I'm all screwed up,Alex. I'm messed up in the head. I got brainwashed, and I'm tryin' tostraighten out how I'm thinking and seeing the world."

Alex sat quietly. She was grateful for her years at college, and for thepsychology courses she'd taken thus far. If she'd ever doubted there was aplace for therapy for victims of war trauma, she knew differently now. Achingfor him, she said, "No one can judge what you did."

"I have to make that judgment. And I thought I had, but things have changed."He held her soft gray gaze. "I have to get you to that marine firebase, that'sall there is to it. When I was sneaking into that VC camp, I realized youshouldn't have to pay for my screw-ups." He patted his leg. "I figure this legwill soon hold up well enough for a ten-mile trek to get you safely back tothe marines. I know your pa's worried sick. He probably thinks you're dead.And I'm sure they sent out recon teams after the crash. They'll search thewreckage on that bird and find only four bodies, not five."

He gave her a sad smile. "I'll get you home, Alex, I promise."

Home. The word sounded so good. Too good to be true. Jim was mixed up, but hismorals and values were still in place. Alex reached out, her fingers wrappingaround his hand, which rested against his splinted leg. "I just want you toknow that I know, in my heart, that you aren't a bad person. You never were,Jim."

"I'm a b.o.o.by prize, gal, and don't you ever forget it. Stop looking at me likeI'm some kind of special fella, 'cause I'm not. Just remember what I did, andwhy."

"In my eyes, you're a wonderful, kind man."

He shook his head. "Then you're a bit tetched in the head, Alexandra Vance."

Her smile wobbled. "That's fine by me. You forget I've been on the receivingend of your care. You're no villain, Jim. You never will be."

For the longest time, Jim stared at Alex. She was so soft yet so strong behindher trembling smile and damp gray eyes. "I don't know what it is about you,"he grumbled, "but you make me feel clean inside again. Maybe it's you... Idon't know anything, anymore."

Alex smiled more broadly and gently touched several strands of dark hairdipping across Jim's pained brow. "Do you know what I want more thananything?"

"What?"

"I want you to come back with me."

He gave her a startled look. "No way."

"Why not?" Alex asked patiently.