Nuts And Nutcrackers Part 8

A "SWEET" NUT FOR THE YANKEES.

Lord Chesterfield once remarked that a thoroughly vulgar man could not speak the most common-place word, nor perform the most ordinary act, without imparting to the one and the other a portion of his own inborn vulgarity. And exactly so is it with the Yankees; not a question can arise, no matter how great its importance, nor how trivial its bearings, upon which, the moment they express an opinion, they do not completely invest with their own native coa.r.s.eness, insolence, and vulgarity. The boundary question was made a matter of violent invective and ruffian abuse; the right of search was treated with the same powers of ribaldry towards England; and now we have these amiable and enlightened citizens defending the wholesale piracy of British authors, not on the plausible but unjust pretext of the benefit to be derived from an extended acquaintance with English literature; but, only conceive! because, if "English authors were invested with any control over the republication of their own books, it would be no longer possible for American editors to alter and adapt them as they do now to the American taste." However incredible this may seem, the pa.s.sage formed part of a doc.u.ment actually submitted to congress, and favourably received by that body. This is not the place for me to dwell on the unprincipled usurpation by which men who have contributed nothing to the production of a work, a.s.sume the power of reaping its benefits, and profiting by its success. The wholesale robbery of English authors has been of late well and ably exposed. The gifted and accomplished author of "Darnley" and "The Gipsy"

has devoted his time and his talents to the subject; and although the world at large have few sympathies with the wrongs of those who live to please them, yet the day is not distant when the rights of a large and influential body, who stamp the age with the image of their own minds, can be no longer neglected, and the security of literary property must become at least as great as of mining scrip, or the shares in a rail-road.

My present business is with the Yankee declaration, that English authors to be readable in America must be pa.s.sed through the ordeal of re-writing. I scarcely think that the annals of impertinence and ignorance could equal this. What! is it seriously meant that Scott and Byron, Wordsworth, Southey, Rogers, Bulwer, James, d.i.c.kens, and a host of others, must be converted into the garbage of St. Giles, or the foetid slang of Wapping, before they can pa.s.s muster before an American public? Must the book reek of "gin twist," "c.o.c.k tail," and fifty other abominations, ere it reach an American drawing-room? Must the "bowie-knife and the whittling-stick" mark its pages; and the coa.r.s.e jest of some tobacco-chewing, wildcat-whipping penny-a-liner disfigure and sully the pa.s.sages impressed with the glowing brilliancy of Scott, or the impetuous torrent of Byron's genius? Is this a true picture of America? Is her reading public indeed degraded to this pa.s.s? I certainly have few sympathies with brother Jonathan. I like not his spirit of boastful insolence, his rude speech, or his uncultivated habits; but I confess I am unwilling to credit this. I hesitate to believe in such an amount of intellectual depravity as can turn from the cultivated writings of Scott and Bulwer to revel in the coa.r.s.eness and vulgarity of a Yankee editor, vamping up his stolen wares with oaths from the far west, or vapid jests from life in the Prairies. Again, what shall I say of those who follow this traffic? Is it not enough to steal that which is not theirs, to possess themselves of what they have no right or claim to? Must they mangle the corpse when they have extinguished life? Must they, while they cheat the author of his gain, rob him also of his fair fame? "He who steals my purse steals trash," but how shall I characterise that extent of baseness that dares to step in between an author and his reputation--inserting between him and posterity their own illiterate degeneracy and insufferable stupidity?

Would not the ghost of Sir Walter shudder in his grave at the thought of the fair creations of his mind--Jeanie Deans and Rebecca--Yankeefied into women of Long Island, or damsels from Connecticut? Is Childe Harold to be a Kentucky-man? and are the vivid pictures of life Bulwer's novels abound in, to be converted into the prison-discipline school of manners, that prevail in New York and Boston, where, as Hamilton remarks, "the men are about as like gentlemen, as are our new police?" What should we say of the person who having stolen a Rembrandt or a Vand.y.k.e from its owner, would seek to legalise his theft by daubing over the picture with his own colours--obliterating every trace of the great master, and exulting that every stroke of his brush defaced some touch of genius, and that beneath the savage vandalism of his act, every lineament of the artist was obliterated? I ask you, would not mere robbery be a virtue beside such a deed as this? Who could compare the sinful promptings to which want and starvation give birth to, to the ruffian profligacy of such barbarity? And now, when I tell you, that not content with this, not satisfied to desecrate the work, the wretch goes a step farther and stabs its author--what shall I say of him now, who, when he had defaced the picture, marred every effect, distorted all drawing, and rendered the whole a chaotic ma.s.s of indistinguishable nonsense, goes forth to the world, and announces, "This is a Rembrandt, this is a Vand.y.k.e: ay, look at it and wonder: but with all its faults, and all its demerits, it is cried up above our native artists; it has got the seal of the old world's approval upon it, and in vain we of younger origin shall dare to dissent from its judgments." Now, once more, I say, can you show the equal of this moral turpitude? and such I pledge myself is the conduct of your transatlantic pirates with respect to British literature. Mr.

d.i.c.kens, no mean authority, a.s.serts that in the same sheet in which they boast the sale of many thousand copies of an English reprint, they coa.r.s.ely attack the author of that very book, and heap scurrility and slander on his head.

Yes, such is the fact; not satisfied with robbery, they murder reputation also. And then we find them expatiating in most moving terms over the superiority of their own neglected genius!

A NUT FOR THE SEASON--JULLIEN'S QUADRILLES.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 184]

A very curious paper might be made by any one who, after an absence of some years from Ireland, should chronicle his new impressions of the country, and compare them with his old ones. The changes time works everywhere, even in a brief s.p.a.ce, are remarkable, but particularly so in a land where everything is in a state of transition--where the violence with which all subjects are treated, the excited tone people are wont to a.s.sume on every topic, are continually producing their effects on society--dismembering old alliances--begetting new combinations. Such is the case with us here; and every year evidences by the strange anomalies it presents in politics, parties, public feeling, and private habits, how little chance there is for a prophet to make a character by his predictions regarding Ireland. He would, indeed, be a skilful chemist who would attempt the a.n.a.lysis of our complex nature; but far greater and more gifted must he be, who, from any consideration of the elements, would venture to p.r.o.nounce on the probable results of their action and re-action, and declare what we shall be some twenty years hence. Oh, for a good Irish "Rip van Winkle," who would at least let us look on the two pictures--what we were, and what we are. He should be a Clare man--none others have the same shrewd insight into character, the same intuitive knowledge of life; none others detect, like them, the flaws and fractures in human nature. There may be more mathematical genius in Cork, and more cla.s.sic lore in Kerry; there may be, I know there is, a more astute and patient pains-taking spirit of calculation in the northern counties; but for the man who is only to have one rapid glance at the game, and say how it fares--to throw a quick _coup-d'oeil_ on the board, and declare the winner, Clare for ever!

Were I a lawgiver, I would admit any attorney to practise who should produce sufficient evidence of his having served half the usual time of apprenticeship in Ennis. The Pontine marshes are not so prolific of fever, as the air of that country of ready-witted intelligence and smartness; and now, ere I return from my digression, let me solemnly declare, that, for the opinion here expressed, I have not received any money or moneys, nor do I expect to receive such, or any place, pension, or other reward, from Tom Steele or any one else concerned.

Well, we have not got this same western "Rip van Winkle," nor do I think we are likely to do so, for this simple reason, that if he were a Clare man, he 'd never have been caught "napping;" so, now, let us look about us and see if, on the very surface of events, we shall not find something to our purpose. But where to begin, that's the question: no clue is left to the absentee of a few years by which to guide his path.

He may look in vain even for the old land-marks which he remembered in boyhood; for somehow he finds them all in masquerade.

The goodly King William he had left in all the effulgence of his Orange livery, is now a cross between a river-G.o.d and one of Dan's footmen. Let him turn to the Mansion-house to revive his memory of the glorious hip, hip, hurra's he has shouted in the exuberance of his loyalty, and straightway he comes plump against Lord Mayor O'Connell, proceeding in state to Marlborough-street chapel. He asks who are these plump gentlemen with light blue silk collars, and well-rounded calves, whose haughty bearing seems to awe the beholders, and he is told that he knew them of old, as wearing dusky black coats and leather shorts; pleasant fellows in those days, and well versed in punch and polemics. The hackney-coaches have been cut down into covered cars, and the "bulky"

watchmen reduced to new police. Let him turn which way he will--let it be his pleasure to hear the popular preacher, the eloquent lawyer, or the scientific lecturer, and if his memory be only as accurate as his hearing, he will confess "time's changes;" and when he learns who are deemed the fashionable entertainers of the day--at whose boards sit lords and baronets most frequently, he will exclaim with the poet--

"Pritchard 's genteel, and Garrick 's six feet high."

Well, well, it's bad philosophy, and bad temper, too, to quarrel with what is; nowhere is the wisdom of Providence more seen than in the universal law, by which everything has its place somewhere; the gnarled and bent sapling that would be rejected by the builder, is exactly the piece adapted for the knee timber of a frigate; the jagged, ill-formed rock that would ill suit the polished portico, is invaluable in a rustic arch; and, perhaps, on the same principle, dull lawyers make excellent judges, and the people who cannot speak within the limits of Lindley Murray, are admirable public writers and excellent critics; and as Doctor Pangloss was a good man "because he knew what wickedness was," so nothing contributes to the detection of faults in others, like the daily practice of their commission by ourselves; and never can any man predict failure to another with such eloquence and impressiveness, as when he himself has experienced what it is to be d.a.m.ned.

Here I am in another digression, and sorry am I not to follow it out further; but for the present I must not--so now, to try back: I will suppose my absentee friend to have pa.s.sed his "day in town," amazed and surprised at the various changes about him; I will not bewilder him with any glance at our politics, nor puzzle him with that game of cross corners by which every one seems to have changed his place; nor attempt any explanation of the mysterious doctrine by which the party which affects the strongest attachment to the sovereign should exult in any defeat to her armies; nor how the supporters of the government contribute to its stability, by rabid attacks on its members, and absurd comparisons of their own fitness for affairs, with the heads of our best and wisest. These things he must have remembered long ago, and with respect to them, we are pretty much as we were; but I will introduce him to an evening party--a society where the _elite_ of Dublin are a.s.sembled; where, amid the glare of wax lights, and the more brilliant blaze of beauty, our fairest women and most gifted and exalted men are met together for enjoyment. At first blush there will appear to him to have been no alteration nor change here. Even the very faces he will remember are the same he saw a dozen years ago: some pursy gentlemen with bald foreheads or grey whiskers who danced before, are now grown whisters; a few of the ladies, who then figured in the quadrille, have a.s.sumed the turban, and occupy an ottoman; the gay, laughing, light-hearted youth he formerly hobn.o.bbed with at supper, is become a rising barrister, and has got up a look of learned pre-occupation, much more imposing to his sister than to Sir Edward Sugden; the wild, reckless collegeman, whose name was a talisman in the "Shades," is now a soft-voiced young physician, vibrating in his imitation of the two great leaders in his art, and alternately a.s.suming the "Epic or the Lake"

school of physic. All this may amuse, but cannot amaze him: such is the natural current of events, and he ought to be prepared for it.

The evening wears on, however; the frigid politeness and ceremonious distance which we have for some years back been borrowing from our neighbours, and which seem to suit our warmer natures pretty much as a suit of plate armour would a _danseuse_ in a ballet--this begins to wear off, and melt away before the genial heat of Irish temperament; "the mirth and fun grow fast and furious;" and a new dance is called for.

What, then, is the amazement, shall I say the horror, of our friend to hear the band strike up a tune which he only remembered as a.s.sociated with everything base, low, and disgraceful; which, in the days of his "libertine youth," he only heard at riotous carousals and roistering festivals; whose every bar is a.s.sociated with words--ay, there's the rub--which, in his maturer years, he blushes to have listened to! he stares about him in wonderment; for a moment he forgets that the young lady who dances with such evident enjoyment of the air, is ignorant of its history; he watches her sparkling eye and animated gesture, without remembering that _she_ knows nothing off the a.s.sociations at which her partner is, perhaps, smirking; he sees her _vis-a-vis_ exchanging looks with his friend, that denote _their_ estimation of the music; and in very truth, so puzzled is he, he begins to distrust his senses. The air ceases, and is succeeded by another no less known, no less steeped in the same cla.s.s of a.s.sociations, and so to the conclusion. These remembrances of past wickedness go on "crescendo," till the _finale_ caps the whole with a melody, to which even the restraints of society are scarcely able to prevent a humming accompaniment of concurring voices, and--these are the Irish Quadrilles! What can account for this?

What special pleading will find an argument in its favour? When Wesley objected to all the good music being given to the devil, he only excused his adoption of certain airs which, in their popular form, had never been connected with religious words and feelings; and in his selection of them, was rigidly mindful to take such only as in their character became easily convertible to his purpose: he never enlisted those to which, by an unhappy destiny, vulgarising and indelicate a.s.sociations have been so connected as to become inseparably identified; and although the object is widely different, I cannot see how, for the purposes of social enjoyment, we should have diverged from his example. If we wished a set of Irish quadrilles, how many good and suitable airs had we not ready at our hands? Is not our national music proverbially rich, and in the very character of music that would suit us? Are there not airs in hundreds, whose very names are linked with pleasing and poetic memories, admirably adapted to the purpose? Why commit the choice, as in this case, to a foreigner who knew nothing of them, nor of us? And why permit him to introduce into our drawing-rooms, through the means of a quadrille band, a cla.s.s of reminiscences which suggest levity in young men, and shame in old ones? No, no: if the Irish quadrilles are to be fashionable, let it be in those cla.s.sic precincts where their merits are best appreciated, and let Monsieur Jullien's popularity be great in Barrack-street!

A NUT FOR "ALL IRELAND."

From Carrickfergus to Cape Clear, the whole island is on the "_qui vive_" as to whether her gracious majesty the queen will vouchsafe to visit us in the ensuing summer. The hospitable and magnificent reception which awaited her in Scotland has given a more than ordinary impulse to every plan by which we might evince our loyalty, and exhibit ourselves to our sovereign in a point of view not less favourable than our worthy neighbours across the sea.

At first blush, nothing would seem more easy to accomplish than this.

A very cursory glance at Mr. O'Connell's speeches will convince any one that a land more favourably endowed by nature, or blessed with a finer peasantry, never existed: with features of picturesque beauty dividing the attention of the traveller, with the fertility of the soil; and, in fact, presenting such a panorama of loveliness, peace, plenty, and tranquillity, that a very natural doubt might occur to Sir Robert Peel's mind in recommending this excursion to her majesty, lest the charms of such an Arcadia should supersede the more homely attractions of England, and "our ladye the queene" preferring the lodge in the Phoenix to the ancient towers of Windsor, fix her residence amongst us, and thus at once repeal the Union.

It were difficult to say if some vision of this kind did not float across the exalted imagination of the ill.u.s.trious Daniel, amid that shower of fortune's favours such a visit would inevitably bring down--baronetcies, knighthood deputy-lieutenancies would rain upon the land, and a general epidemic of feasting and festivity raise every heart in the island, and nearly break Father Mathew's.

If the Scotch be warm in their attachment, our affections stand at a white heat; if they be enthusiastic, we can go clean mad; and for that one bepraised individual who boasted he would never wash the hand which had the honour to touch that of the queen, we could produce a round ten thousand whose loyalty, looking both ways, would enable them, under such circ.u.mstances, to claim superiority, as they had never washed theirs since the hour of their birth.

Notwithstanding all these elements of hospitality, a more mature consideration of the question would show how very difficult it would be to compete successfully with the visit to Scotland. Clanship, the remains of feudalism, and historical a.s.sociations, whose dark colours have been brought out into glowing brightness under the magic pencil of Scott--national costume and national customs--the wild sports of the wilder regions--all conspired to give a peculiar interest to this royal progress; and from the lordly Baron of Breadalbane to the kilted Highlander upon the hills, there was something of ancient splendour and by-gone homeliness mixed up together that may well have evoked the exclamation of our queen, who, standing on the terrace at Drummond, and gazing on the scent below her, uttered--"How grand!"

Now, unfortunately in many, if not in all these advantages, we have no partic.i.p.ation. Clanship is unknown amongst us,--only one Irishman has a tail, and even that is as ragged an appendage as need be. Our national costume is nakedness; and of our national customs, we may answer as the sailor did, who, being asked what he had to say in his defence against a charge of stealing a quadrant, sagely replied--"Your worship, it's a d.a.m.n'd ugly business, and the less that's said about it the better."

Two doubts press upon us--who is to receive her Majesty; and how are they to do it? They who have large houses generally happen to have small fortunes, and among the few who have adequate means, there is scarcely one who could accommodate one half of the royal suite. In Scotland, everything worthy of being seen lies in a ring-fence. The Highlands comprise all that is remarkable in the country; and thus the tour of them presents a quick succession of picturesque beauty without the interval of even half a day's journey devoid of interest. Now, how many weary miles must her Majesty travel in Ireland from one remarkable spot to another--what scenes of misery and want must she wade through from the south to the west. Would any charms of scenery--would any warmth of hospitality--repay her for the anguish such misery must inflict upon her, as her eye would range over the wild tract of country where want and disease seem to have fixed their dwelling, and where the only edifice that rises above the mud-cabin of the way-side presents the red brick front of a union poor-house? These, however, are sad topics--what are we to do with the Prince? His Royal Highness loves sporting: we have scarcely a pheasant--we have not one capercailzie in the island; but then we have our national pastimes. If we cannot turn out a stag to amuse him, why we can enlarge a t.i.the-proctor; and, instead of coming home proud that he has bagged a roe, he shall exult in having brought down a rector. How poor and insignificant would any _battue_ be in comparison with a good midnight burning--how contemptible the pursuit, of rabbits and hares, when compared with a "t.i.the affray," or the last collision with the military in Tipperary. I have said that the Scotch have a national costume; but if _semi_-nakedness be a charm in them, what shall be said of us, who go the "whole hog?" The details of their ancient dress--their tartan, their kilt, their philabeg, that offered so much interest to the royal suite--how shall they vie with the million-coloured patches of an Irishman's garment? or what bonnet that ever flaunted in the breeze is fit to compare with the easy jauntiness of Paddy's _caubeen_, through which, in lieu of a feather, a lock of his hair is floating?

"Nor clasp nor nodding plume was there;"

"But for feather he wore one lock of hair."

Marmion.

Then, again, how will the watch-fires that blazed upon the mountains pale before the glare of a burning haggard; and what cheer that ever rose from Highland throats will vie with the wild yell of ten thousand Black-feet on the march of a midnight marauding? No, no; it is quite clear the Scotch have no chance with us. Her Majesty may not have all her expectations fulfilled by a visit to Ireland; but most a.s.suredly a "touch of our quality" will show her many things no near country could present, and the probability is, she will neither have time nor leisure for a trip to New Zealand.

Everything that indicates nationality will then have its reward. Grave dignitaries of the Church will practise the bagpipes, and prothonotaries will refresh their jig-dancing; whatever is Irish, will be _la vogue_; and, instead of reading that her Majesty wore a shawl of the Gordon tartan, manufactured at Paisley, we shall find that the Queen appeared in a novel pattern of rags, devised at Mud Island; while his Royal Highness will compliment the mildness of our climate by adopting our national dress. What a day for Ireland that will be!--we shall indeed be great, glorious, and free; and if the evening only concludes with the Irish Quadrilles, I have little doubt that her Majesty will repeat her exclamation of "How grand!" as she beholds the members of the royal suite moving gracefully to the air of "Stony-batter."

Let us, then, begin in time. Let there be an order of council to preserve all the parsons, agents, t.i.the-proctors, and landlords till June; let there be no more shooting in Tipperary for the rest of the season; let us "burke" Father Mathew, and endeavour to make our heads for the approaching festivities; and what between the new poor-law and the tariff, I think we shall be by that time in as picturesque a state of poverty as the most critical stickler for nationality would desire.

A NUT FOR "A NEW COMPANY."

By no one circ.u.mstance in our social condition is a foreigner more struck than by the fact that there is not a want, an ailing, an incapacity for which British philanthropy has not supplied its remedy of some sort or other. A very cursory glance at the advertising columns of the _Times_ will be all-sufficient to establish this a.s.sertion. Mental and bodily infirmities, pecuniary difficulties, family afflictions, natural defects, have all their separate _corps_ of comforters; and there is no suffering condition in life that has not a benevolent paragraph specially addressed to its consolation. To the "afflicted with gout;" to "all with corns and bunions;" to "the friends of a nervous invalid"--who is, by the bye, invariably a vicious madman; to "the childless;" to "those about to marry" Such are the headings of various little crumbs of comfort by which the active philanthropy of England sustains its reputation, and fills its pocket. From tooth-powder to tea-trays--from spring-mattresses to fict.i.tious mineral waters--from French blacking to the Widow Welch's Pills--all have their separate votaries; and it would be difficult to conceive any real or imaginary want unsupplied in this prolific age of contrivance.

A gentleman might descend from the moon, like our clever friend, "The Commissioner," and, by a little attention to these plausible paragraphs, become as thoroughly John Bull in all his habits and observances as though he were born within St. Paneras. "A widow lady with two daughters would take a gentleman to board, where all the advantages and comforts of a private family might be found, within ten minutes' walk from Greenwich. Unexceptionable references will be given and expected on either side." Here, without a moment's delay, he might be domiciled in an English family; here he might retire from all the cares and troubles of life, enjoying the tranquil pleasures of the widow's society, with no other risk or danger, save that of falling in love with one or both of the fair daughters, who have "a taste for music," and "speak French."

It is said that few countries offer less resources to the stranger than England; which I stoutly deny, and a.s.sert that no land has set up so many sign-posts by which to guide the traveller--so many directions by which to advise his course. With us there is no risk of doing anything inappropriate, or incompatible with your station, if you will only suffer yourself to be borne along on the current. Your tailor knows not only the precise shade of colour which suits your complexion, but, as if by intuition, he divines the exact cut that suits your condition in life. Your coachmaker, in the same way, augurs from the tone of your voice, and the _contour_ of your features, the shade of colour for your carriage; and should you, by any misfortune, happen to be knighted, the Herald's office deduce, from the very consonants of your name, the _quantum_ of emblazonry they can bestow on you, and from how far back among the burglars and highwaymen of antiquity they can venture to trace you. Should you, however, still more unfortunately, through any ignorance of etiquette, or any inattention to those minor forms of breeding with which every native is conversant, offer umbrage, however flight and unintentional, to those dread functionaries, the "new police;" were you by chance to gaze longer into a jeweller's window than is deemed decorous; were you to fall into any reverie which should induce you to slacken your pace, perchance to hum a tune, and thus be brought before the awful "Sir Peter," charged by "G 743" with having impeded the pa.s.sengers--collected a crowd--being of suspicious appearance, and having refused "to tell who your friends were"--the odds are strongly against you that you perform a hornpipe upon the treadmill, or be employed in that very elegant chemical a.n.a.lysis, which consists in the extraction of magnesia from oyster-sh.e.l.ls. Now, let any man consider for a moment what a large, interesting, and annually-increasing portion of our population there is, who, from certain peculiarities attending their early condition, have never been blessed with relatives or kindred--who, having no available father and mother, have consequently no uncles, aunts, or cousins, nor any good friends. Here the law presses with a fearful severity upon the suffering and the afflicted, not upon the guilty and offending. The state has provided no possible contingencies by which such persons are to escape. A man can no more create a paternity than he can make a new planet. I have already said that with wealth at his disposal, ancestry and forefathers are easily procured. He can have them of any age, of any country, of any condition in life--churchmen or laymen--dignitaries of the law or violators of it;--'tis all one, they are made to order. But let him be in ever such urgent want of a near relative; let it be a kind and affectionate father, an attached and doting mother, that he stands in need of--he may study _The Times and The Herald_--he may read _The Chronicle_ and _The Globe_, in vain! No benevolent society has directed its philanthropy in this channel; and not even a cross-grained uncle or a penurious aunt can be had for love or money.

Now this subject presents itself in two distinct views--one as regards its humanity, the other its expediency. As the latter, in the year of our Lord, 1844, would seem to offer a stronger claim on our attention, let us examine it first. Consider them how you will, these people form the most dangerous cla.s.s of our population--these are the "waifs and strays" of mankind. Like snags and sawyers in the Mississippi, having no voyage to perform in life, their whole aim and destiny seems to be the shipwreck of others. With one end embedded in the mud of uncertain parentage, with the other they keep bobbing above the waves of life; but let them rise ever so high, they feel they cannot be extricated.

If rich, their happiness is crossed by their sense of isolation; for them there are no plum-pudding festivals at Christmas, no family goose-devourings at Michaelmas. They have none of those hundred little ties and torments which weary and diversify life. They have acres, but they have no uncles--they have gardens and graperies, but they cannot raise a grandfather--they may have a future, but they have scarcely a present; and they have no past.

Should they be poor, their solitary state suggests recklessness and vice. It is the restraint of early years that begets submission to the law later on, and he who has not learned the lesson of obedience when a child, is not an apt scholar when he becomes a man. This, however, is a part of the moral and humane consideration of the question, and like most other humane considerations, involves expense. With that we have nothing to do; our present business is with the rich; for their comfort and convenience our hint is intended, and our object to supply, on the shortest notice, and the most reasonable terms, such relatives of either s.e.x as the applicant shall stand in need of.

Let there be, therefore, established a new joint stock company to be called the "Grand United Ancestral, Kindred, and Blood Relation Society"--capital any number of pounds sterling. Actuaries--Messrs.

Oliver Twist and Jacob Faithful.

Only think of the benefits of such a company! Reflect upon the numbers who leave their homes every morning without parentage, and who might now possess any amount of relatives they desire before night. Every one knows that a respectable livelihood is made by a set of persons whose occupation it is to become bails at the different police offices, for any cla.s.s of offence, and to any amount. They exercise their calling somewhat like bill-brokers, taking special pains always to secure themselves against loss, and make a trifle of money, while displaying an unbounded philanthropy. Here then is a cla.s.s of persons most appropriate for our purpose: fathers, uncles, first cousins, even grandfathers, might be made out of these at a moment's notice. What affecting scenes, too, might be got up at Bow-street, under such circ.u.mstances, of penitent sons, and pardoning parents, of unforgiving uncles and imploring nephews. How would the eloquence of the worshipful bench revel, on such occasions, for its display. What admonitions would it not pour forth, what warnings, what commiseration, and what condolings. Then what a satisfaction to the culprit to know that all these things were managed by a respectable company, who were "responsible in every case for the good conduct of its servants." No extortion permitted--no bribery allowed; a regular rate of charges being printed, which every individual was bound, like a cab-man, to show if required.

So much for a father, if respectable; so much more, if professional; or in private life, increased premium. An angry parent, we 'll say two and sixpence; sorrowful, three shillings; "deeply afflicted and bound to weep," five shillings.

A widowed mother, in good weeds, one and sixpence; do. do. in a cab, half a crown; and so on.

How many are there besides who, not actually in the condition we speak of, would be delighted to avail themselves of the benefits of this inst.i.tution. How many moving in the society of the west end, with a father a tobacconist or a cheesemonger in the city, would gladly pay well for a fashionable parent supposed to live upon his estate in Yorkshire, or entertaining, as the _Morning Post_ has it, a "distinguished party at his shooting lodge in the Highlands." What a luxury, when dining his friends at the Clarendon, to be able to talk of his "Old Governor" hunting his hounds twice a week, while, at the same moment, the real individual was engaged in the manufacture of soap and short sixes. What happiness to recommend the game-pie, when the grouse was sent by his Uncle, while he felt that the only individual who stood in that capacity respecting him, had three g It b.a.l.l.s over his door, and was more conversant with duplicates than double barrels.