Not Just Friends Part 4

2. Don't set "truth traps." You want to discover the truth directly, rather than ensnare through devious methods. Don't begin the search for truth with deception or lies. If your child leaves a trail of cookie crumbs, you shouldn't ask, "Did you have a cookie today?" Start out by saying, "I saw the cookie crumbs. Tell me the truth about how many cookies you ate before dinner."

3. Give yourself time to cool down and become calm. Your effectiveness depends on how well you have thought through your confrontation. You want to create as little defensiveness in your partner as possible. Excessive emotionality on your part is likely to cause your partner to build a protective shield rather than a bridge to the truth.

4. Consider writing down your thoughts first in order to gain clarity. In some cases, a letter is a more effective confrontation than an in-person meeting.

The Confrontation Itself 1. Choose a time and place where you are both unhurried and free from distractions.

2. Do not confront on the telephone.

3. Stick to the facts as you know them: - What you know.

- What you saw.

- What you've been told.

- The contradictions between what your partner has told you and what you've discovered.

4. Say how these lies or discrepancies make you feel (e.g., betrayed, scared, insulted).

Typical Reactions to the Confrontation 1. Denial: Most people deny at first. They try to find out what the betrayed partner knows.

2. Admission: Whatever they admit is often just the tip of the iceberg.

3. Lying: If the unfaithful partner lies, he or she probably isn't ready to stop the affair but doesn't want to risk losing the marriage.

If your partner acknowledges your accusations, thank him or her for being honest. Say that you would rather know the truth, even though it is painful. Give both of you a chance to cool down before you ask for additional information. If your partner does not admit anything but you are still suspicious, then you can continue to observe, investigate, and confront again.

Jennifer Schneider found that 84 percent of people with patterns of addictive extramarital s.e.x denied any wrongdoing when they were first confronted by a suspicious partner. After some time had elapsed, 96 percent believed that disclosure was the best thing.4

When Accusations Are Denied The accusing partner endures a period of great emotional turmoil when obvious signs of infidelity are denied. A significant issue in the depth of the deception is how long and in what way the unfaithful partner dismisses the legitimate concerns of the worried partner. The individual who is guilty as charged may try to stop further questioning by the intensity of the denial. He or she may attack the partner who would even suggest such a thing. "I'm disappointed that you don't trust me" will stop many inquiring spouses in their tracks. The guilty parties can be very convincing when they say, "I'm telling you the truth. Have I ever lied to you before?" Keep in mind that someone who has nothing to hide is more likely to respond nondefensively and with concern for the distress of his or her partner.

One especially insidious way that untrustworthy, cheating spouses try to disarm a suspicious partner is called "gaslighting." The term comes from the movie Gaslight, in which a husband plays a mind game by trying to convince his wife that she is imagining things. In a similar way, a manipulative partner can turn every suspicion or accusation of the innocent spouse into an attack on his or her sanity. Every confrontation attempts to reconfirm that the questioner must be paranoid. The betrayed spouses begin to doubt their own perceptions and lose trust in their own sense of reality.

In an infamous case of adultery, murder, and gaslighting in San Diego, Betty Broderick went to her husband's office and found clear evidence that he was having an affair with his secretary. She went home and cut up all his clothes with scissors. Her attorney/physician husband said she was imagining things and put her under psychiatric care for her delusions. He later divorced Betty and married his secretary (who looked amazingly like a younger version of Betty) on the same dare that he and Betty had married. After Betty shot and killed him and his new wife in bed, Dr. Don-David l.u.s.terman testified at her trial that Betty was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of her husband's protracted infidelity.5 The jury, however, found her guilty and she was imprisoned. The jury, however, found her guilty and she was imprisoned.

Knowing the truth after being suspicious for a long time brings the tremendous relief of realizing "At least I'm not crazy!" You can trust your own eyes and ears after all. But close on the heels of relief is fury at having been made to feel overly jealous or weak because of a legitimate suspicion. Soon thereafter a whirlwind of different emotions ensues and you feel anger, disbelief, and affirmation, all at the same time.

The Many Pathways to Discovery There are as many ways to find out that your partner has been unfaithful as there are unfaithful partners. And although no discovery is easy, the nature of the revelation can make the infidelity itself seem more or less horrible than it might have been otherwise. Couples regain trust more readily after voluntary confession than after repeated denials that are eventually refuted by indisputable evidence, such as tapes, letters, or photographs.

Disclosure of infidelity leads to divorce more frequently for unfaithful wives than husbands. Still, although telling appears less risky for men, the consequences were three times more negative when men's affairs were discovered by their wives than when men revealed the affairs themselves.6

Confessions Confessions may come after many months of accusations and denials, or like a deadly strike of lightning on a sunny day. Disclosure shock can be so profound that the naive partner experiences feelings of unreality. He or she feels disconnected, as if the event were happening to someone else. That's how Christopher felt during his wife's confession. He had absolutely no idea that Carly had been having an affair. When she told him in the car coming home from a romantic dinner, without any advance warning, he couldn't believe what he was hearing: "I kept waiting for Allen Funt to appear and tell me I'm on Candid Camera.... I couldn't imagine it...."

To end the deception: When Carly decided to tell Christopher about her affair, they had just worked through a difficult patch in their marriage by promising each other greater openness through honest communication. Carly felt that not to tell would violate their renewed commitment. It was hard to upset her husband's newfound sense of comfort in the marriage, but she felt it was the righ thing to do. Christopher began to understand that her motivation was to stop deceiving him and to end her affair.

Christopher believed that his wife was sincere when she told him how much she regretted her involvement with the other man. He had faith that it would never happen again. Carly's honesty was intended to alleviate her guilt and start the next phase of their married life with a clean slate.

There are many reasons an involved spouse may choose to confess an infidelity. Obviously, a confession intended to strengthen the relationship is different from one that is intended to destroy it. Sometimes, though, the motivation for telling is to trigger a crisis that will lead to separation.

To end the marriage: One night, Tamara confessed to her husband, Tom, that she was attracted to someone else. She said she expected Tom to kick her out, but he pleaded with her to stay and work on their marriage. Surprisingly to him, she refused to answer his questions and would not offer any explanation for what had happened. All she could say was, "You're strong. You'll get through this." When he couldn't seem to get himself together, she suggested that he call his sister. When Tamara moved out just one week later, Tom felt as if he had been lobotomized. Because she essentially cut off all contact after that, he had to heal alone. Picking up the pieces of his broken life was made more difficult without the opportunity to hear her story and get some closure.

To send a message: Some unfaithful partners confess in order to punish their partner for unmet needs or to elicit a reaction from an inattentive spouse. Harold got his wife's attention with innuendoes about his s.e.xual intimacies with a young woman he had met at the fitness center. He had complained for a long time about the infrequency of marital s.e.x. When his wife, Hope, understood that she could actually lose him to another woman, she realized how much he meant to her. For the first few weeks after his confession, they had s.e.x every morning and evening. Although their newfound pa.s.sion did eventually lessen, his revelation was the catalyst for a new beginning.

To stop the inquisition: Most confessions unfold in a torturous manner. Beginning with outright denial, the accused partner progresses to foot-dragging and admissions of minor infractions. Men will initially minimize or deny deep emotional involvement, and women are more inclined to deny having engaged in any type of s.e.xual intimacy. Just to get off the hot seat, the unfaithful partner may finally cave in and admit the full extent of s.e.xual and emotional involvement.

Natasha remembered every detail of the morning her husband finally confessed his affair. "When I told him I knew, he denied it. He insisted that they were just friends. But I kept after him; I didn't let him off the hook. Finally, he admitted that he had visited her at home one afternoon and they kissed a couple of times. When I told him I didn't believe that that was all, he got furious that I didn't accept his story. Three months later, he admitted they'd gone further."

When evidence has been acc.u.mulating, a dishonest denial adds insult to injury. People have a double wound to deal with when they learn long after futile confrontations that their partner repeatedly lied to them with false rea.s.surances and fabricated stories.

The Informant There is a lot of disagreement about whether friends or family members should inform a betrayed partner when they know that an affair is going on. Ann Landers tended to advise people to MYOB. Other advisors and experts give conflicting advice. My answer is "It depends." Whether or not to reveal an affair depends on the signals a friend or relative is getting from the naive spouse. Some spouses want to know and others don't. Watch for cues before you decide. A word of caution: In situations where the betrayed partner could become violent or severely depressed after hearing about the infidelity, you might reconsider whether it's beneficial to tell.

A friend: If the informant is a trusted source with legitimate information, telling can be a considerate action. This is what happened to Theresa. She and her husband had been married for fifteen years when her husband's relentless distancing made her ask him if he wanted a divorce. He told her that maybe he did, and they decided together that he should move out. After a few weeks he started calling her to talk about reconciling. Pleased, she agreed that they could start dating each other and see what happened. They spent many happy evenings together and talked seriously about getting back together. Then Theresa got a call from a friend who had attended a birthday party. Guess who had been there as the affectionate companion of one of the invited guests? Theresa's husband!

Theresa was distraught but grateful that her friend saved her from being a fool. The information that her reconciling hubby was acting in public as another woman's boyfriend helped Theresa cut the cord and get on with her life. She knew that she would never be able to trust her soon-to-be-ex-husband enough to attempt a reconciliation.

Anonymous informants: When the informant is an anonymous voice on the other end of the phone or an unidentified letter writer, the tip-off may not be so helpful. It is impossible to judge the intention behind the information or the truthfulness of what is being alleged. Mike found that out when he got a phone call at home from a man who said, "Just thought you ought to know. Your wife's having an affair with her boss." Click-the phone went dead. Mike was terribly upset. He had no reason to think his wife was having an affair, but the experience was gut-wrenching. His wife appeared to be as shocked as he was at the phone call and swore it wasn't true. It took many weeks of rea.s.surance and investigation before they could put the matter to rest. Apparently, the call had been made by a colleague of his wife's who was angry because she had rebuffed his s.e.xual advances.

Affair partners as informants: It is not uncommon for the revelation to be made by unmarried affair partners. One woman discovered her husband's affair when his lover forwarded her a s.e.xually explicit greeting card with the husband's seductive message. Another wife found out when her husband's girlfriend showed up at the front door with a packet of e-mail correspondence.

Revelation by the affair partner is more likely to happen when an unfaithful husband has indicated that his wife doesn't understand him and that their marriage is a sham. The affair partner believes him and waits and waits for him to leave his wife so they can be together. After months or perhaps years of waiting for his children's bar mitzvahs, graduations, and weddings, the affair partner takes matters into her own hands; she tells the wife herself, thereby forcing a confrontation, which she believes will resolve in her favor. The crisis of disclosure from the lover most often results in the termination of the affair.

Betrayed partners as informants: I have known betrayed spouses who have called the unsuspecting spouse of the affair partner. They regarded their revelation to another betrayed partner as "obtaining justice." They reasoned, "Why should our marriage be hurt by the affair while their marriage remains unscathed?" One unfaithful husband begged his wife not to call his affair partner's house because he was fearful that her betrayed husband could be violent. She respected his request not to call, and in turn he ended the affair through an e-mail correspondence that she approved.

Medical and legal informants: When the method of discovery is shocking, the betrayals themselves often have serious implications that continue to shape the lives of everyone involved. For example, a doctor becomes the reluctant informer who has to tell a betrayed partner that he or she has a s.e.xually transmitted disease. Will learned that his herpes resulted from an affair that his wife had had with an old boyfriend after Will and she were engaged. I have worked with several couples where the wife discovered the husband's s.e.xual addiction when the police arrested him for soliciting a prost.i.tute.

Even in these extreme situations, couples have recovered from the crisis and created a strong, safe relationship through long-term individual and couple therapy. The recovery process takes place on many different levels and usually lasts several years.

Accidental Discoveries Melissa called her husband's hotel room at 7:00 A.M. A.M. A woman answered and told her that he couldn't come to the phone because he was in the shower. Yvette was walking hand in hand with her lover in a beautiful park when she was spotted by her in-laws, who had taken her children out for a picnic. Needless to say, they did not keep her secret from their son. A woman answered and told her that he couldn't come to the phone because he was in the shower. Yvette was walking hand in hand with her lover in a beautiful park when she was spotted by her in-laws, who had taken her children out for a picnic. Needless to say, they did not keep her secret from their son.

For many people, the moment of revelation is frozen in time forever. Every detail is indelibly etched into their memory. For Harriet, it's the image of her husband, Harvey, talking on a pay phone in a beautiful hotel in Rome. They had planned a luxurious trip to Italy for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. After they checked into their hotel, Harriet stepped into the shower to refresh herself while her husband went to the concierge desk to make dinner reservations. She dressed quickly and decided to go down to the lobby to look for him. As she rounded a corner, she could hear him saying into the phone, "I love you too, sweetheart. I can hardly wait until I'm home again so we can be together." That was how she discovered Harvey's seven-year affair with his secretary, Kitty. She was so traumatized that they had to fly home the next day. She did recover, but full healing took several years.

Accidental discovery is difficult no matter what the circ.u.mstances. But how both partners react in that moment and for the next few hours significantly influences the road to recovery. One betrayed partner was able to make a big leap toward healing her marriage by how she reacted to the news that her husband had been having an affair. She was able to put aside her shock and say to him, "I want our marriage to last. I love you. But if you determine that she can make you happier than I can, then I will step aside." He was floored. His response to her was, "I never knew you loved me so much." The crisis of his affair was a catalyst that saved their marriage.

The Immediate Aftermath Disclosure shock is a universal reaction to the betrayal of infidelity. Even suspicious partners are devastated when their worst fears are confirmed. Being betrayed by someone you have trusted feels like a mortal injury. Clearly, it matters how you find out that you have been betrayed. Finding out the truth from a remorseful partner is quite different from being forced into hiring a detective to uncover the truth after months of unanswered questions.

At the time of discovery, each partner reacts strongly but differently. Injured partners need to know that the affair will be stopped. They also need to know that all of their questions will be answered. Involved partners can also be in a place of profound suffering: Their lives are in shambles; they're caught in what feels like a no-win situation; they cannot escape the pain they've caused; and they now know that they must relinquish either the affair or the marriage. Their double life has crashed and burned.

The involved partner may respond to the revelation with complete honesty, staggered disclosures, or stonewalling. Even if the straying partner eventually comes clean, earlier denials or partial truths hinder healing and recovery. Dragged-out admissions are like driving long distances on a flat tire. Quick attention gets you back on the road fast, but delaying the repair after a blowout can cause irreparable damage to the wheel and axle. Immediate honesty is the best way to rebuild trust.

The betrayed partner may respond to the revelation with tears, numbness, or rage. When tempers are escalating, call a time-out to avoid further scarring. Make an appointment with each other to talk about the issue when you have both calmed down. Don't just walk out without saying something. You can say, "I am ready to explode. I don't want to make things worse than they already are, so I am going to go for a walk. Let's table this discussion for later, when we've both cooled down." Don't follow your partner if he or she is trying to do some damage control. Regard withdrawal as a strategy that can help the relationship at this time rather than as an avoidance maneuver.

What comes next in the hours and days that follow the crisis of discovery depends on how you react to the changes that have torn your world apart. In the next chapter, we discuss how some couples are able to survive disclosure shock together and how others break in two.

4.

IN THE WAKE OF DISCOVERY.

The whole thing seemed unreal. I woke up every morning and couldn't believe that it wasn't just a bad dream. I don't know how I'll ever feel safe again.

IF THERE were a Richter scale for emotional earthquakes, the discovery of an affair would register at the outermost end of the dial. Some people manage to recover quickly; the majority, however, feel as if they have been hit by a seismic event in a part of the country where there has never been one before. They are not prepared for the tremor that knocks them off their feet and destroys their home life. In the first minutes and hours after the revelation of infidelity, emotions are out of control. were a Richter scale for emotional earthquakes, the discovery of an affair would register at the outermost end of the dial. Some people manage to recover quickly; the majority, however, feel as if they have been hit by a seismic event in a part of the country where there has never been one before. They are not prepared for the tremor that knocks them off their feet and destroys their home life. In the first minutes and hours after the revelation of infidelity, emotions are out of control.

Traumatic Aftershock: The Emotional Roller Coaster In the immediate days and weeks that follow, the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, and the affair partner are overwhelmed by their enormous losses. The injured partner has lost the positive image of his or her life partner and the a.s.surance of a secure, committed relationship. The involved partner has lost his or her secret love nest and faces the potential loss of marriage and family. The affair partner has lost the romantic coc.o.o.n and, usually, the dream of living forever with the lover.

All three are miserable in different ways. Because being deceived is not the same as being a deceiver, however, the betrayed partner is the one who is traumatized and can't imagine how he or she will ever become whole again.

Reactions of Betrayed Partners Even when people think they are prepared for bad news, hearing the worst sends a jolt of adrenaline into the body that sets off a stress reaction. All the body's systems are aroused, and they stay aroused for a very long time. Skin p.r.i.c.kles, muscles tense, and reactions are hair-trigger. The body responds as though danger were in every hushed voice and every ringing telephone. You have to be ready to run or fight as if your life depended on it.

In my clinical sample, 24 percent of the betrayed husbands and wives who knew about their partner's infidelity were severely anxious, and an additional 18 percent were extremely anxious to the point of panic.1 Thirty percent of the betrayed partners were also clinically depressed. Thirty percent of the betrayed partners were also clinically depressed.2

Irritability and Aggression: Every potential irritation is magnified. The "pea under the mattress" is as big as a rock. The music on the radio makes you want to scream. The baby's fussing feels like an insidious campaign of hara.s.sment. Driving becomes a war game, where only the speedy and aggressive survive.

Male starlings who remained monogamous when they had the opportunity to attract a second or third female were those mated to unusually aggressive females. This aggression was directed toward the potentially homewrecking females rather than the potentially errant male.3

Throwing an object across the room or pounding a fist is not unusual after the revelation is first made. These angry gestures may be a way to express rage without being physically abusive. However, you must take any threats of violence seriously. If you are afraid or if you suffer any actual physical a.s.saults, you must have a safety plan or request police intervention. I have treated individuals who have had to remove guns from the house to keep them from killing themselves or someone else. Homicidal fantasies by the betrayed spouse are more often directed toward the lover than the unfaithful spouse.

Numbing: Some people are numb before the revelation because they have turned off their sensors and become oblivious to suspicious signs. Others go numb after the revelation. Marilee went numb when she first heard her husband's confession. She felt turned to stone. She was aware of what was happening, but from a distance. She took in the information without color or feeling, struck dumb by the enormity of the betrayal. She was protected, at least for a time, from a pain that was too difficult to bear.

Obsessing: Betrayed partners commonly review over and over again the period in their life during which the affair was possibly taking place. As soon as they lie down to sleep, they are flooded with images, memories, and unanswered questions. They need to escape, but the whole surreal pageant parades across their vision. During the daytime, they get out calendars and review dates, looking for the missing parts, trying to make sense of what happened in light of their new knowledge. They try to figure out what was going on in their perceived life and how that coordinates with what was going on in the double life.

Sleeping offered Janet little relief. She had a recurring dream of being abandoned and alone that woke her up, sweating with panic. She recounted scenes of her husband, Jim, avoiding family gatherings and working on evenings and weekends. She found it hard to grasp the reality that he had shared his heart and his body with another woman.

Interrogating: The deluge of questions immediately following the revelation seldom satisfies the need to know. Betrayed partners turn into Grand Inquisitors in the weeks and months that follow, until they believe that they have uncovered all of the secrets and lies. It can be terribly difficult for the betrayed partner to show constraint; most want to know everything right now. The midnight interrogation leaves both partners exhausted.

Shifting Emotions: After confronting Jim with evidence of his four-year affair, Janet had, in rapid succession, locked him out of the bedroom and then insisted that he make love to her. Afterward, she felt guilty about having s.e.x with him; she didn't understand that her conflicted feelings were going to alternate between needing rea.s.surance from him that he'd never leave her and wanting to kick him out immediately.

Malcolm told me that when his wife told him she was in love with someone else, he felt as if he was going to pa.s.s out. Then he told her he didn't believe it. Then he felt stupid for not figuring it out sooner, and finally he felt so humiliated he wanted to hide. Soon he was out of control with fury. He would cycle through all these emotions (and others besides) over and over again for months.

Reactions of Unfaithful Partners The immediate reactions of the unfaithful partner in the initial hours after revelation may either transform or solidify as the early weeks and months go by. Defensiveness can turn into openness or persist and become aggression. Ambivalence can turn into clarity or persist and become chronic confusion.

As the implications of the situition become clear, even those who believed they had found their true soul mate are jolted back to reality. It is as though a switch has been flipped and full attention and energy is channeled back into the marriage. I've observed individuals panic about losing the spouse they had been planning to leave for the perfect relationship. Once the illusion is burst, reality returns. Over time, the fantasy bubble deflates even more if the affair partner acts with impatience and self-interest.

Resentment: Some unfaithful partners understand the need for the betrayed partner's ongoing quest for concrete proof of the affair. Others turn on their partner and attack as though snooping were an offense worse than infidelity. One man, whose wife read his incriminating e-mail correspondence, turned on her in a rage. He threatened her with divorce if she ever questioned him or checked up on him again.

Impatience: Ambivalent partners may want to do the right thing and make amends, but they don't want to reveal too much about the modus operandi-how they managed to carry off the deception. They are frustrated by the constant hammering for details and searching for clues. They feel smothered by the lack of privacy and personal freedom. When a period of indecision is followed by a commitment, unfaithful partners may feel that they should be welcomed back with open arms. I call this the "Hi, Hon. I'm back" maneuver. It's not uncommon to hear, "I said I'm sorry. Why do you have to keep bringing up the past? I'm here now, aren't I? Why can't we go back to the way things were before? I told you it didn't mean anything."

Grief: Although it is quite painful for the betrayed partner to witness the involved partner's sadness regarding the end of the affair, grief can be seen as evidence that the illicit relationship is really over. Most often, the involved spouse is dealing with complex and heartrending issues. It is not uncommon for involved partners to feel shame, loss, and the fear that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. They are forced to ask some frightening questions: Will I lose my spouse and my marriage? Will I lose my affair partner and our romantic odyssey? If we stay together, will my spouse ever let me forget? Can I ever feel as good with my spouse as I did with my lover?

At the beginning of marital therapy, unfaithful wives in my clinical sample were more anxious and depressed than unfaithful husbands: 32 percent of unfaithful wives were severely or extremely anxious compared with 10 percent of unfaithful husbands; 27 percent of unfaithful wives and 14 percent of unfaithful husbands were clinically depressed.

If you're the unfaithful partner, you know that having an affair is both agony and ecstasy. It may have been the most exciting and meaningful thing that has ever happened to you-and the worst. Now that it is exposed, you are probably dumbstruck by how an innocent, life-enriching friendship could ever have turned into such a nightmare. You face a terrible loss with no social support and a lot of social disapproval. Because society at large disapproves of infidelity and frowns on the self-centeredness a.s.sociated with cheating, the involved partner does not receive much sympathy for his or her unhappiness. More than once, I have heard unfaithful partners lament, "Can't you see that this is hard on me, too?"

Zachary was truly sorry. Looking into Zoe's tearful eyes was harder than he could have imagined. He wanted to console her, but he needed consoling himself. Although he wanted to be caring and available, he grew very impatient with Zoe's over-the-top reactions. Zachary couldn't stand dealing with his wife or his lover, Patti, because of the pressure they were putting on him to choose between them. Despite his good intention to rebuild his marriage, Zachary found that ending the affair was not so easy. Patti made him feel guilty by saying that he had misled her. He wanted to run away and hide somewhere. But being alone made him feel even more conflicted and isolated, and being with either woman was too painful to bear.

A clean break with the affair partner is the surest way for all three parties to start healing their wounds. Affair partners do not always buy into this program of recovery, however, because they have their own agendas.

Reactions of Unmarried Affair Partners If you're the affair partner, you probably can't believe the affair is over. You may interpret your married lovers concern for you as a sign that he or she still cares about you. This may give you hope that the affair will continue, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Some affair partners welcome the crisis of discovery initially, believing that the truth will force their lover to make a choice in their favor. They may have been a.s.sured that their lover was planning to leave his or her spouse as soon as the kids were through school or the business was on solid ground. They have dreamed of a life together and had visions of the secure home and family they would make together.

Letting go of a dream is hard. You may have believed that the marriage was unhappy, but you need to realize that someone who could deceive a spouse could also have been deceiving you. You might have been told that the marriage was worse than it really was in order to keep you on the string. Because of society's tainted image of the affair partner, you may feel you are suffering all alone. Instead of sympathy from your friends, you might be hearing a lot of "I told you this was going to end badly."

How affair partners react to the revelation of the affair depends on many factors: what they hoped for, their level of commitment, and how their lover handled the crisis. Reactions typically range from devastated to partly sorry and relieved. When the affair is revealed, it can feel like a painful but necessary step toward resolution.

Most often, however, affair partners suffer great unhappiness. They face tremendous uncertainty and have less control over the outcome than anyone else. In addition, they face the probability that the affair and their intimate partner will be lost to them forever. A single woman involved with a married man may have ignored other romantic opportunities in the hope that the affair would turn into marriage. She may not accept the rejection easily because she is left with false hopes and broken promises.

Studies have found a very low probability that an affair will result in marriage to the affair partner. Annette Lawson found that only 10 percent of involved partners who left the marriage because of infidelity ended up marrying the affair partner.4

Affairs are inherently dangerous, and affair partners who are dropped have the disadvantage of having to heal alone, whereas the betrayed partner and the involved partner can heal together. Individual or group counseling can provide support and insight regarding a tendency to willingly expose oneself to a potentially self-destructive triangle.

Why Some People Are More Traumatized Than Others The severity of the traumatic reaction is determined by (1) how the discovery was made, (2) extent of shattered a.s.sumptions, (3) individual and situational vulnerabilities, (4) the nature of the betrayal, and (5) whether the threat of betrayal continues. These factors interact with one another to determine the intensity, scope, and persistence of post-traumatic reactions.

Shattered a.s.sumptions All of us operate from a set of basic a.s.sumptions about our relationships, our partners, and ourselves. We can describe, at least in a general way, the terms of commitment that characterize our marriages and other significant relationships. Our a.s.sumptions provide us with a map of our partners personality and moral character that predicts how he or she would behave in compromising situations. We are traumatized when these a.s.sumptions are shattered because our safe, predictable world is no longer safe or predictable.

Our basic a.s.sumptions provide a set of operating instructions for living. They ground us in our ident.i.ty, allow us to negotiate the complexities of living, and help us to interpret information that is bewildering or complicated. We run our lives following the lines of our a.s.sumptions. When these basic a.s.sumptions are violated, we are disoriented: "If I can't depend on you, I can't depend on anything in my life." One woman, who had just finished successful treatment for cancer, told her husband, "I wish I had died last year when I was sick-before I learned the terrible truth about you."

a.s.sumptions about the Relationship A tornado on a summer's day is more devastating than a hurricane. At least you have some warning with a hurricane. When disaster strikes without warning, as it did with the attacks on Oklahoma City, New York, and Washington, D.C., people lose something they can never get back-their innocence. In the same way, our reaction to an infidelity is intensified by how much the betrayal deviates from our basic a.s.sumptions about our mutual commitment to monogamy. These are some common a.s.sumptions: - I a.s.sumed we were committed exclusively to each other, no matter what.

- I thought we had the same moral values and that we both believed in monogamy.