Not Just Friends Part 19

Heather was divorced twenty-eight years ago from the high school sweetheart who had turned into an unfaithful alcoholic. Heather and Horace had fallen in love at first sight. She said, "Our love was so overpowering, it was awesome. I had met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I never dated anyone else after I met him." He was handsome, brilliant, talented, and had a great sense of humor. Their early years of marriage were full of love, laughter, and music.

During their life together, Horace became an eminent trial attorney, but he was abusive and neglectful of Heather and their three children. As she says, "I never knew what was going to come through that door at night." Her life was falling apart. She suspected for a number of years that Horace was having an affair with his secretary. He told her that if she left, he would use his legal connections to get custody of the children, and she would end up penniless. She felt trapped and unable to find a way out, so she held on.

She waited until her two older children were on their own before she allowed herself to think about leaving. She was at the end of her rope. One night, she collapsed to the floor in the laundry room and cried out to her G.o.d for help. She was rescued by her spiritual connection. She felt lifted up by her faith from the "miry clay" and placed upon a solid rock: "I knew then that I had the courage and strength to carry on and go through a divorce." She realized that the man she used to love no longer existed: "I didn't love the man he had become. I mourned the man he had been. He was not the same person. I looked in his face and saw betrayal and lying."

Although she wanted to take back her life, contemplating divorce was hard for Heather. n.o.body in her family had ever been divorced. She felt like a failure and was ashamed to face people, as if it had been her fault. She thought that when she married, her vows were for life. She was relieved when her minister advised her that her marriage vows didn't require her to stay in an abusive relationship with an adulterous husband. Her friends from church also rallied around her and supported her during the tortuous divorce proceedings.

Heather's divorce and the time afterward were difficult emotionally and financially. She and her ten-year-old daughter could barely subsist on her meager child support and her part-time job as a nursery school teacher. She was forced to get a full-time job as a librarian at a private boy's school, but, Heather says, "It was one of the best things that ever happened to me." She not only improved her financial situation, but she found the work intellectually stimulating and the collegial environment warm and friendly.

In spite of her new life, Heather was still plagued by bitterness toward her ex-husband and his new wife (the loyal secretary). She said, "By that time I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My anger and resentment were hurting me more than him." She realized that she had to let go of the negative emotions that were robbing her of being the loving person she had always been. Until she released the anger that was holding her captive, she was destroying herself and was unable to experience the full power of a loving G.o.d.

When her younger daughter got married, Heather was able to greet Horace and his secretary/lover/wife with equanimity. During the wedding reception, she kissed Horace on the cheek. As she says, "At that moment, I knew I was healed." She had gotten to the point where she could even look at him with some compa.s.sion for his ruined life. Their two older children would have nothing to do with him.

Heather was not interested in getting married again. Horace had been the love of her life, and she doubted that she could ever love anyone that way again. To her great surprise, she fell in love again twenty-seven years after her divorce. She had known Harrison and his wife for many years. After his wife died, they started going out to dinner and spending time together. She suddenly felt like a teenager again: "The relationship just flowed naturally. I fell in love in a way I never expected to happen again."

Heather attributes her healing to her faith and the important role of G.o.d in her life. She was able to forgive her husband because she believed he was a lost soul whom she was finally able to pray for. She believes that releasing her hurt and anger was what allowed her to become whole again.

Living Well Is the Best Revenge For Heather, healing came from the power of the love that springs from her religion. For others, it comes from the power of love in other forms-through friends, or children, or good causes. Still others find what they need through therapy or through the lasting power of a happy childhood. No matter where the energy comes from, the process is the same. Let go of the hurt and the anger, and get on with your own life.

There is no revenge as sweet as living a joyful life. Through the years, I've suggested to certain betrayed partners that some day they might feel like writing a Thank You note to the lover who took a cheating spouse off their hands. At the time, these wounded partners didn't know how they were going to be able to survive the affair, the divorce, and the aftermath. Several ex-wives have smiled at me years later and said, "You were right. She did me a favor. I hear she's as unhappy now as I once was. I really should write that Thank You note." One betrayed wife admitted that she even felt a little sorry for the affair partner, who had been deliberately taunting during the affair. The affair partner was now taunted herself by the self-centered ways of her stolen "prize."

It may be hard to let go of the knot of anger that keeps you connected to your ex-spouse. Marla's best friend accepted an invitation to an open house hosted by Marla's ex-husband and his affair partner. Maria was indignant: "Why would you go, knowing how he abandoned me?" After Maria regrouped, she asked her friend if she would act as a spy and tell her what his new house was like and how he treated his new wife.

At that point, I interrupted her: "Why do you want to know what kind of furniture they have or what his wife was wearing? If you care about those things, you have not broken your attachment to him. You are as involved with him in your resentment as you were when you were in love with him. Your goal is to get to the point where his life isn't of interest to you anymore." When Maria can tell her friend that she doesn't care to hear anything about it, she'll know that she is healed.

Until you are no longer preoccupied with your ex-partner, you are letting him or her take up s.p.a.ce in your heart and brain. You may be legally divorced, but you are as emotionally tied to your former partner as if you were still married. If you enlist friends and children to bring back information about your ex-spouse, you remain shackled to the past.

Elsa moved from rage and pain to detachment. When she saw Elliott a couple of years after their divorce, she commented, "It was like seeing somebody I used to know a long time ago. He couldn't trigger feelings in me anymore. I didn't feel the connection in the way I would have with an old friend. There was no warmth, but there was also no animosity." Displays of ill will demonstrate as much emotional connection as displays of affection. One of the great lessons of healing is The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.

The catalyst for this process of replacing a poisonous relationship with an indifferent one is forgiveness. As we said in Chapter 14, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. When you're able to unknot the cord that has kept you bound to your ex-partner, you set yourself free. You realize that you are the creator of your own life.

AFTERWORD: MINI-GUIDE TO SAFE FRIENDSHIPS AND A SECURE MARRIAGE.

So we end where we began, with real people wishing they had had the foresight to prevent infidelity before it wreaked havoc. When they say "I wish I could go back in rime before the affair," I ask what information would have helped and what they would say to others. They tell me that they didn't know how easily good friendships could imperceptibly cross the line. They never comprehended that you could love two different people at the same time. It never occurred to them that good people in good marriages could be vulnerable to betraying their partners. Some say they would have worked to fix their marriages instead of running away from problems. Many never considered how much pain their actions would cause, or how long it would take to heal.

After reading this book, you are now more conscious of the threat of platonic friendships that evolve into romantic love affairs. You know how to recognize individual, relational, and social vulnerabilities. You have seen how the revelation of infidelity leads to shattered a.s.sumptions and traumatic reactions. You have also observed dedicated couples rebuilding their relationships with greater intimacy and honesty than ever before.

Facts about infidelity and love that have been explored in depth throughout the preceding pages are summarized here. Pointers on how to maintain safe friendships and preserve committed relationships are intended for those who are still on safe ground and those who need to step back from the edge of the slippery slope. These pointers are also directed toward couples who are recovering from infidelity-so they will never again have to face the trauma of betrayal in the form of a relapse or a new affair.

Seven Facts You Need to Know about Infidelity 1. A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.

2. The person having the affair may not be giving enough at home rather than not getting enough.

3. It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that other person is a danger sign.

4. Flirting is crossing the line because it is an invitation that indicates receptivity.

5. Infidelity is not only about love or s.e.x-it's about maintaining appropriate boundaries with others and being open and honest in your committed relationship.

6. You do not have to have s.e.xual intercourse to be unfaithful. Pa.s.sionate kissing or oral s.e.x is a violation of your commitment to your partner.

7. Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and s.e.xual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief s.e.xual flings.

What You Need to Know about Love - People compare and confuse the intensity of being "in love" during an affair with the secure, comfortable feeling of reality-based "loving" that occurs in long-term relationships.

- The feeling of being "in love" is linked to Stage I idealization, pa.s.sion and infatuation.

- True love, which you grow into, is characterized by acceptance, understanding, and compa.s.sion. That is why so few people end up marrying their affair partner, and those who do have an extremely high probability of divorce.

- Once the affair is no longer the forbidden relationship that takes place in a golden bubble, the cold light of day soon bursts the romantic fantasies.

Seven Tips for Preventing Infidelity 1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.

2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.

4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.

5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to the cla.s.s reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.

6. Don't go over the line when you're on-line with Internet friends. Discuss your on-line friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange s.e.xual fantasies on-line.

7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.

Critical Elements for Healing the Trauma of Infidelity - Recovery requires reversing the walls and windows in the extramarital triangle to place the betrayed partner inside and the affair partner outside.

- Healing cannot begin without safety. The first step in establishing safety is to stop all contact with the affair partner.

- Rebuilding trust after deception and lying is achieved by complete honesty about the infidelity. Voluntarily sharing all unavoidable encounters with the affair partner is an essential trust builder.

- Discussing the story of the affair is crucial for understanding the meaning of the infidelity.

Vulnerability Maps Look back at the scores you achieved on each vulnerability map in Chapters 9, 10, and 11. Circle your ratings on the chart below.

VULNERABILITY MAPS.

We have explored three types of vulnerability for infidelity: relationship issues, individual factors, and social-cultural influences. Comparing your ratings on this chart will alert you to the areas where you and your partner are most vulnerable, so you can take corrective steps.

APPENDIX: RESOURCES.

I have collated a list of books, Web sites, and support groups that have been useful to people recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Some are specifically targeted at affairs; others are of general interest and very helpful for improving relationships. I have also included some information for those whose marriages are ending. have collated a list of books, Web sites, and support groups that have been useful to people recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Some are specifically targeted at affairs; others are of general interest and very helpful for improving relationships. I have also included some information for those whose marriages are ending.

Suggested Readings Infidelity, Addiction, and the Internet Carnes, Patrick. 1983. Out of the shadows: Understanding s.e.xual addiction. Minneapolis: CompCare.

Forward, Susan. 1999. When your lover is a liar. New York: HarperCollins.

l.u.s.terman, Don-David. 1998. Infidelity: A survival guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Maheu, Marlene M., & Subotnik, Rona B. 2001. Infidelity on the internet: Virtual relationships and real betrayal. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, Inc.

Pittman, Frank. 1989. Private lies: Infidelity and betrayal of intimacy. New York: Norton.

Schneider, Jennifer P. 1988. Back from betrayal: A ground-breaking guide to recovery for women involved with s.e.x-addicted men. New York: Ballantine Books.

Schneider, Jennifer P., & Schneider, Burt. 1999. s.e.x, lies, and forgiveness: Couples speaking on healing from s.e.x addiction. Tucson, AZ: Recovery Resources Press.

Schneider, Jennifer, & Weiss, Robert. 2001. Cybers.e.x exposed: Simple fantasy or obsession? Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Spring, Janis Abrahms, & Spring, Michael. 1997. After the affair. Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York: HarperCollins.

Subotnik, Rona, & Harris, Gloria. 1999. Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering from the pain. Holbrook, MA: Bob Adams Press.

Vaughan, Peggy. 1998. The monogamy myth: A personal handbook for recovering from affairs. New York: Newmarket Press.

Marriage Doherty, William. 2001. Take back your marriage. New York: Guilford Press.

Gordon, Lori. 2000. Pa.s.sage to intimacy. New York: Fireside.

Gottman, John M., with Silver, Nan. 1994. Why marriages succeed or fail ... and how you can make yours last. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, John M., & Silver, Nan. 2000. The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Markman, Howard J., Blumberg, Susan L., & Stanley, Scott M. 2001. Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love. New York: Wiley.

Notarius, Clifford, & Markman, Howard. 1994. We can work it out: How to solve conflicts, save your marriage, and strengthen your love for each other. New York: Penguin/Putnam.

Weiner-Davis Mich.e.l.le. 2001. The divorce remedy: The proven 7-step program for saving your marriage. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Love and Intimacy Hendrix, Harville. 1990. Getting the love you want. New York: Harper & Row.

Levine, Janice, & Markman, Howard, Eds. 2000. Why do fools fall in love? Experiencing the magic, mystery, and meaning of successful relationships. New York: Wiley.

Love, Pat. 2001. The truth about love: The highs, the lows, and how you can make it last forever. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Pines, Ayala Malach. 1999. Falling in love: Why we choose the lovers we choose. New York: Routledge.

s.e.x Barbach, Lonnie. 2000. For yourself. The fulfillment of female s.e.xuality. New York: NAL Penguin/Putnam.

Gray, John. 1995. Mars and Venus in the bedroom. New York: HarperCollins.

Love, Pat, & Robinson, Jo. 1995. Hot monogamy: Essential steps to more pa.s.sionate, intimate lovemaking. New York: Plume/Penguin.

Zilbergeld, Bernie. 1999. The new male s.e.xuality. New York: Random House.

Divorce Ahrons, Constance R. 1995. The good divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart. New York: HarperTrade.

Hetherington, E. Mavis, & Kelly, John. 2002. For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: Norton.

Mercer, Diana, & Pruett, Marsha Kline. 2001. Your divorce advisor: A lawyer and a psychologist guide you through the legal and emotional landscape of divorce. New York: Fireside.

Neuman, M. Gary. 1999. Helping your kids cope with divorce the sandcastles way. New York: Random House.

Ricci, Isolina. 1997. Mom's house, Dad: house: A complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Wallerstein, Judith S., Blakeslee, Sandra, & Lewis, Julia M. 2001. Unexpected legacy of divorce: The 25 year landmark study. New York: Hyperion.

Understanding Yourself Bearrie, Melody. 2001. Codependent no more and beyond codependency. New York: Fine Communications.

Carnes, Patrick. 1997. The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

Hayes, Christopher L., Blau, Melinda, & Anderson, Deborah. 1994. Our turn: Women who triumph in the face of divorce. New York: Pocket Books.

Lew, Mike. 1990. Abused bays: The neglected victims of s.e.xual abuse. Lexington, MA: Lexington.

Love, Pat, with Robinson, Jo. 1991. Emotional incest: What to do when a parent's love rules your life. New York: Bantam.

Maltz, Wendy. 1991. The s.e.xual healing journey: A guide for survivors of s.e.xual abuse. San Francisco: HarperCollins.

McGraw, Phillip C. 2001. Self matters: Creating your life from the inside out. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Web Sites BAN-Beyond Affairs Network, by Peggy Vaughan. www.dearpeggy.com. An international support group for people recovering from a partner's affair.

Divorce Busting Center, by Mich.e.l.le Weiner-Davis. www.divorcebusting.com. On-line support forum.

Divorce Information, www.divorceinfo.com. A clearinghouse for divorce information, including articles and research.

Marriage Builders, Inc., founded by Willard Harley Jr., Ph.D. www.marriagebuilders.com. Links to articles to build mutually enjoyable marriage and section on recovery from infidelity.

Smart Marriages, founded by Diane Sollee, Director of Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC. www.smartmarriages.com. Articles, books, audiotapes and videotapes, directory of marriage education programs, annual conference.

Support Groups Co-Dependents Anonymous, www.codependents.org. 12-step program to develop healthy relationships.

S-Anon. www.sanon.org. 12-step program for partners and families of s.e.x addicts.

SA-s.e.xaholics Anonymous. www.sa.org. 12-step program.

SAA-s.e.x Addicts Anonymous. www.s.e.xaa.org. 12-step program.

SLAA-s.e.x and Love Addicts Anonymous. www.slaahouston.org. 12-step program.

SRA-s.e.xual Recovery Anonymous. www.ourworld.compuserve.om/homepages/sra. 12-step program based on rational recovery instead of "higher power."