No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 8

"Katy? The Katy? Bonus baby Katy?" interrupted Ian.

"Shut up Ian. That is so inappropriate."

"Inappropriate? You can talk. You're looking at her t.i.ts."

"They are not her real t.i.ts. Look, I'm in her office. I'll tell you why later but there is this sort of sculpture of her naked pregnant body."

"Wow. Just give me a moment whilst I take in what you have just said," said Ian.

The line went quiet.

"OK, I now have the scene in my head. Now concentrate, the next question is really important. Are you alone in the office?" asked Ian.

"Err yes. Katy didn't know I was coming so I'm waiting for her to finish in a meeting."

"Good. So tell me. Have you?"

"Have I what?"

"You have haven't you?

"Have what?"

"You know. Had a quick squeeze of the t.i.ts."

"No I have not," said a shocked Matthew.

"Aw come on. No man alone in room with an inanimate object shaped like a naked woman is going to resist a quick grope."

"Not all men are like you Ian."

"Don't give me that. I just have the guts to say what everyone else is thinking," said Ian. "So come on. Don't you at least want to know if they feel different now that she's pregnant?"

Matthew peered over his shoulder to see if Louise was still sniffing around. Her chair was empty.

"Go on. Just a quick one for the boys Matthew. Are you a man or a machine? I'll never let you live it down if you don't," continued Ian.

"Oh for goodness' sake," said Matthew as he got up and strode over to the figure. "I'm doing it OK? Satisfied now?" he barked down the phone as he cupped the left breast with his right hand.

"Oh totally and utterly," purred a voice from the doorway.

"s.h.i.t," exclaimed Matthew, throwing his phone on the floor and pulling his hand away at lightning speed.

"Don't you think it's just marvellous," continued the perfectly posed man, one hand on thrust out hip whilst the other leaned against the door frame. "And to have such a fine specimen as yourself truly appreciate my handiwork is such a complement. I'm Daniel by the way. Creative genius behind the object of your admiration."

"Hi. I'm Matthew. I'm so sorry, I was just er..."

"Matthew you say?" asked Daniel.

"Yes Matthew. I'm just waiting for Katy."

"I see," said Daniel, not hiding the fact that he was giving Matthew a good look up and down. "I'm impressed," he said finally. "She never said you were so handsome."

There was an awkward silence only interrupted by the sound of Ian squeaking from the phone lying somewhere on the floor.

"The brand manager for Crispy Bix is a complete and utter b.i.t.c.h," said Katy as she swept past Daniel into her office.

She stopped in her tracks at the sight of Matthew still hovering next to her naked body.

"Matthew, what the h.e.l.l are you doing here?" she said glancing nervously between him, Daniel and the plaster cast.

"He was just admiring your baby shower present," said Daniel with a smug smile. "You see some people appreciate true art Katy."

"No really, I wasn't doing anything," said Matthew. "I was just seeing what it was made of. Such an interesting texture. Yes, really interesting. You must tell me how you did it Daniel?"

"Actually he was touching your b.r.e.a.s.t.s," Daniel told Katy. "As if that didn't get him in enough trouble last time."

"Daniel," exclaimed Katy.

"So must dash. I have other meetings to gatecrash," said Daniel. "I shall speak to you later," he said pointedly at Katy as he left.

Katy shut the door firmly behind him.

"My G.o.d, why on earth did you have to tell him?" asked Matthew, making his getaway from the proximity of the plaster cast and picking up his now silent phone.

"Well I had to talk to someone and despite appearances I know can trust him."

"Really? Looked like your typical b.i.t.c.hy, gossipy gay guy to me," said Matthew as he perched on the edge of the desk, causing the puffin to wobble alarmingly.

"Be careful of Gloria," said Katy, leaping over to steady the bird.

"Gloria? It has a name? Why exactly have you got a stuffed puffin in your office Katy?"

"We stole her last night."

"Who did?"

"Me and Ben and a couple of his mates."

Matthew stared at her, saying nothing.

"What? What's the matter?" asked Katy.

Matthew found he couldn't get any words out.

"Matthew, why are you standing there with a disappointed look on your face?" Katy asked eventually whilst eyeing a copy of Gina Ford falling out of his briefcase.

Matthew hastily stuffed The Contented Little Baby Book back in his bag.

"Alison gave it to me this morning and told me to memorise the 0-6 weeks routine over my lunch hour," explained Matthew.

"How super," said Katy. "Very sensible of course. But please can you wipe that disappointed look off your face."

"I'm not disappointed in you," said Matthew, turning away from her. "I'm actually disappointed that in no part of my life would I ever get caught up in stealing a stuffed puffin."

Katy looked confused.

He spun back round to look at her. "I would have stolen a stuffed puffin though, wouldn't I? When I was younger I mean? I was fun then wasn't I?" he asked with a slightly desperate tone in his voice.

"I don't think you should be judging your life by your ability to steal a stuffed puffin," said Katy, clearly at a loss at Matthew's distress.

"It's just that I go to work and talk about stupid b.l.o.o.d.y tax all day and I come home and talk about baby routines and whether we should be bathing at 5.45pm or 6pm and other bulls.h.i.t like that," he said, kicking the side of his briefcase where the baby boot camp bible lurked.

He was quiet for a moment, lost in thought. Katy fidgeted with her post-it notes.

"And I don't even have a plant in my office never mind a stuffed puffin or a cast of my naked body or a picture of Patrick Swayze," said Matthew, pointing at the faded poster.

"Well I will always love Patrick Swayze,'" said Katy quietly.

"I know you will," said Matthew, banging the desk with his hand making Katy and Gloria jump. "I've been sitting here thinking about us driving down to Devon and you making me listen to that b.l.o.o.d.y Dirty Dancing tape the whole way."

"I didn't make you. You were singing your head off," said Katy.

"I know I was, and that's just it Katy. I never sing anymore. What's happened to me?" Matthew slumped in the chair. He was starting to think MATTHEW'S PLAN had some serious omissions.

"So sing now," said Katy.

"What?"

"Sing now."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh for goodness' sake, Matthew. You complain about never singing anymore and now you won't. Come on, we'll do it together."

Katy stood up and cleared her throat. Thrusting her b.u.mp out proudly she began a shockingly bad attempt at the opening bars of I've Had the Time of My Life.

Suddenly he was back in his dad's Rover; windows wound right down, wind in his hair, music blaring and one hand on Katy's bare knee as she sang at the top of her voice.

He found himself laughing at Katy as she got more confident in her memory of the lyrics and began to sway a little as she built up to the chorus.

"Come on then. Join in. Don't be shy," she gasped between lines.

Matthew started to mumble the lines he couldn't believe he could still remember. At the end of the chorus Katy fell back in her chair laughing.

"You're still c.r.a.p at singing," she said. "Good job you don't do it anymore. So anyway what do we do about this dinner date then? I a.s.sume that's why you're here?" Katy asked, looking at her watch.

"What? Oh yeah, of course. That's what I came to talk about," said Matthew, trying to get his mind back on track. "So I know this is going to sound really strange, but the thing is Alison is really excited about it. She got home last night and was straight into Gordon Ramsay and has the whole menu planned already. It's the most cheerful I've seen her since we moved here. And there is no way she'll let you get out of it. Believe me, once Alison has the bit between her teeth there's no stopping her. I know the whole situation has disaster written all over it but do you think we could go ahead. Life's so much better when she's cheerful."

"G.o.d Matthew, we're really pushing our luck here you know."

"I know, but if it makes her feel like she's settling in she might relax a bit which would be such a relief. I know this is a crazy situation and I can't believe I'm asking, but please come. I dread to think what she'll be like if you call with an excuse."

"You do realise, we can't be friends," Katy said slowly.

"I know, but this might just be the thing to inspire her into making an effort to make some other friends rather than obsessing about the babies. Though not with you of course. Please come round just this once and then I promise you we'll never..." Matthew trailed off.

He got up and walked around her desk towards her.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he got closer.

"Is that the baby?" he said as he went past her and peered at the scan photo she had pinned to the notice board behind her desk.

He couldn't stop his fingers from reaching up to touch the image. He traced the shape of the baby just as he had done with the twin's picture. He felt the world stopping or at the very least slowing down.

Katy stared at him in horror.

"Yes it is," she said quietly.

He swallowed. Then turned to look deep into her eyes before muttering, "I'll go now. See you on Sat.u.r.day."

He scurried back round the desk, picked up his briefcase and walked out of her office without looking back.

Chapter 12.

The morning of the dinner party dawned and Katy decided that rather than spend the day fretting she should finally get round to buying some baby gear. To her surprise Ben reacted with a degree of enthusiasm, so armed with a list from Louise who couldn't believe Katy's lack of preparation, they set off to the out-of-town baby-store.

"Brilliant, there's a Currys," said Ben as soon as they got out of the car. "I need camera batteries so I can get some embarra.s.sing pictures on the stag-do. I'll just pop in now love. Won't be long, you just carry on."

He was gone before she could protest and walking far too fast for her pregnant body to catch up with him. Sighing she turned to contemplate the enormous baby store, remembering previous unnerving visits to buy gifts for other people's babies. The sight of so many pregnant women in one place always disturbed her. She felt as though she had landed on a different planet where all women had to be pregnant all the time. She shivered at the thought before forcing herself to go in and get on with it.

She'd start with clothes she thought. She was good at buying clothes. She had been doing it practically all her life. All confidence however vanished when faced with her first difficult decision. What size? Newborn or 0-3 months? What was that all about? Surely they were the same? What was the difference? Why didn't she know about this? Was it a conspiracy to confuse her? She looked up in a panic only to see lots of other mums-to-be effortlessly gliding around her looking totally in the know. She hastily stuffed half a dozen of each into her trolley before deciding to move onto something less stressful.

She consulted the list. Monitors. That had to be easy. She took a deep breath and attempted her own calm glide off to the safety section.

Is somebody having a laugh? she thought as she looked in a daze at the row upon row of listening devices blinking at her like evil little aliens. The level of equipment required made her think the baby must at least be expected to do a complete Beatles medley before it went to sleep. She reached out a now slightly shaking hand and took one off the middle shelf and attempted to read the sales blurb. But it might as well have been written in Dutch for all the sense it made. She flung it into the trolley before stalking back to the relative sanctuary of the clothing section.

After an hour and ten minutes she was utterly confused, distraught, angry and a bit sweaty. She looked up from the Templeton Deluxe Pushchair Travel System which she had been in mortal combat with for the last twenty minutes and hoped no-one saw her give it a good kick. The shop a.s.sistant had made it all look so easy when, with a flick of the wrist, she had morphed it from what appeared to be a complete tangle of silver chrome and flappy black canvas into a robust, if complicated-looking, baby carriage.

"What about this one?" said the a.s.sistant appearing again and pointing at another pram that looked like Tupperware on wheels. "This one is really simple to use, especially if you haven't got a man who can get it in and out of the car for you."

Katy stood with her mouth open. How dare she a.s.sume she was a single mum. Ben would be here any minute, she said to herself again, looking desperately towards the door for the umpteenth time.