No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 21

"Yes I do have friends who are models, very good friends actually."

"You want a date with a model? I'm not sure I could do that to a friend," he continued.

"Yes I know I said anything but I can't make someone do something they don't want to do can I?"

"OK, OK, I'll see what I can do. But date doesn't mean s.e.x Braindead, do you understand?"

"Yes, I guess on some far off planet she might fancy you but I'm just telling you that I am not a pimp. Date means dinner. That's it OK?"

"Yes of course you will have to pay for dinner.

"Right. Enough. If you tell me you have told the taxi driver to come here I'll throw in dinner as well."

Daniel terminated the call and sank down on a bench. He noticed that a female nurse in her fifties was sitting at the other end staring at him.

"It's a very long story," he smiled through clenched teeth. "I am just the fairy G.o.dmother trying to bring two young people together."

"Oh really," said the nurse. "Your methods sound pretty unusual."

"Well in these modern times we fairy G.o.dmothers have to do what we have to do. Ah, thank the Lord, here is our young prince charming arriving now with his idiot sidekick."

Daniel leapt up and opened the door of the cab before it had even stopped.

"Ben, you are a sight for sore eyes. But you look terrible, which won't do."

"Get off will you," Ben said to Daniel who was attempting to straighten his crumpled shirt and comb his hair with his fingers.

"Right, are you ready to face the enemy, it's this way," said Daniel, already pulling at Ben's arm.

"Hang on, hang on. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say yet. Can you just give us a minute?" said Ben, slumping down on the bench where Daniel had been sitting.

"For crying out loud I thought you were going to talk to him," said Daniel, losing his patience and turning to Braindead.

"You didn't say anything about that. You just said get him here and I have haven't I? Have you called your model mates yet?"

"No I b.l.o.o.d.y well haven't and I won't unless you help me get him through that labour ward door."

"That is so unfair. You said to the hospital door and here he is. Now where is my date?"

Daniel closed his eyes and asked some kind of G.o.d for some kind of strength.

He opened his eyes and fell to his knees in front of Ben.

"Ben. The baby is nearly here. She's very close now. Just go and be with her. Be with her and see the baby born," he said gently.

"Yeah, listen to him mate. Don't let that other b.a.s.t.a.r.d get his greedy mitts on the kid before you do. You get in there, fight for what's yours," chipped in Braindead, looking for an approving look from Daniel. When he didn't get one he tried again.

"Look the other guy sounds like a t.w.a.t. Just go in there and deck him. That'll get rid of him. Women love a guy who can stand up for himself you know. Show her who's boss and all that," said Braindead.

The nurse still sitting at the end of the bench sn.i.g.g.e.red.

"Hey, we are having a very important private conversation here," said Braindead, turning to the nurse.

"I'm sorry but I couldn't help but overhear," said the nurse. "May I try," she said. "You know, give the woman's perspective."

"I really don't think you understand. This is man's talk. You have no idea what this poor lad is going through," said Braindead.

"I've worked in this hospital for twenty five years and I've seen it all, believe me," replied the nurse.

"Well I guarantee you ain't seen a case like this. A right f.u.c.kin' mess it is."

"Braindead I don't think that's helping, is it?" said Daniel, nodding towards Ben who now had his head in his hands.

The nurse edged along the bench closer to Ben and laid her hand on his back.

"So, let's see. There is a woman in there who is having a baby that could be yours but also could be someone else's and at the moment he's the one inside," said the nurse.

"What the..." exclaimed Braindead.

Daniel looked gratefully towards heaven.

Ben slowly raised his head and nodded at the nurse.

"And it's really complicated right? The other guy, he's married and they are expecting twins." continued the nurse.

"f.u.c.kin' spiders is she real?" said Braindead. Daniel motioned for him to keep quiet.

Ben nodded mutely again.

The nurse also nodded and paused for a long time before she continued. The three men held their breath.

"So let's make this simple then shall we?" she finally said.

All three men nodded simultaneously.

"There is only one really important question that you need to answer and then you will know exactly what to do," said the nurse.

"Oh yes. Tell us what it is? Please tell us what it is?" begged Daniel before Braindead and Ben told him to be quiet.

"Do you love her?"

"d.a.m.n, of course," said Daniel, jumping up. "The only question there is. How could I have forgotten that? Stupid, stupid, stupid. You are a genius," he said, kissing the nurse full on the lips.

"Alright, just calm down will you. He hasn't answered yet," said the nurse.

"Of course he does. Now come on let's go, there is no time to lose," said Daniel, pulling on Ben's sleeve.

"Just hang on you," said Braindead, pulling Daniel's arm away from Ben. "Let the lad answer it first. Like the lady says this is important. He has to answer."

"Thank you," said the nurse, glaring at Daniel.

"So," said Braindead. "Do you love her? You can tell your mate Braindead. I won't laugh or anything, or tell the lads."

Ben leaned back on the bench and raised his hands to cover his face. All three of his audience watched in silence as he took several deep breaths. No-one dared speak. Then gradually he pulled his hands away and almost imperceptibly his head started to move. The direction was unclear to start with until finally it developed into a fully-fledged nod and the glimmer of a smile formed on his face.

"Halle a f.u.c.kin a luya," said Braindead.

"Praise be the lord," said Daniel, throwing his arms up to the sky before embracing the nurse again.

"I have no idea where you are from and quite frankly I am not sure I want to know but you are truly an angel of mercy and G.o.d certainly moves in mysterious ways," he said to her.

"Special powers you know," she said. "That and happening to be examining Katy when the other guy arrived. Come on, we're not done yet." She turned to Ben again and took his hands in hers.

"That's wonderful. You have found a woman you love. Is that right?"

"Yes," he replied. "Yes I have."

"So now that you've found her, are you going to let her go without a fight? Are you the type of man who just stands and watches while other people decide your fate? While other people make your decisions for you. Is that who you are?'

"No he f.u.c.kin' isn't," said Braindead. "Come on mate, it's time to sort things out I reckon, don't you?"

Ben stared at Braindead then rose to his feet.

"You and you," he said, pointing at Daniel and Braindead. "You stay here until I say otherwise. Got it?"

"Oh yes," they both said.

"And you," he said to the nurse. "Thanks."

"My pleasure," she beamed.

He started up the steps into the hospital before turning around. "One last thing," he said. "What do I say?"

"Say what you feel mate, say what you feel," said Braindead.

"I was asking her not you," Ben said. "What do you think I should say?" he asked the nurse.

"Say what you feel, like the man says," she replied.

Ben nodded then disappeared through the hospital doors.

Chapter 23.

9.05am Ben felt like Forrest Gump. He'd been running forever down endless hospital corridors searching desperately for Katy. Finally he found someone who could make sense of his exhausted babble and he was shown the door behind which his future lay.

He launched himself into the room, not caring that he looked a shocking mess. He was still fighting a hangover and had not had a shave or a shower for two days. His chin was alive with bright ginger stubble. It was the only part of him that had any vibrancy. His skin was grey, his shirt and jacket rumpled and his trousers saggy. In contrast Matthew looked razor-sharp in a navy single breasted suit with brilliant white shirt and golf club tie. When Ben entered the room he immediately placed a protective arm around Katy's shoulders. She had still not let go of the gas mask which was acting as a very effective shield from the reality she was facing.

"Well look what the cat dragged in," said Matthew. "Looks and smells like you've been out all night drinking. Well you can go back to your mates and go and get well and truly drunk because we have it all in hand here, don't we Katy?"

Katy was paralysed, not knowing what to do. She thought Ben looked exhausted and wondered why he was there.

"You see I'm going to look after her, seeing as you are quite clearly not up to the job. Don't ask me how. That is between me and Katy but you have no need to feel any responsibility. You are free to go and live your life just like you wanted," said Matthew. He looked down at Katy and rubbed her shoulders before turning back to Ben. "Now Katy is very close to giving birth so I suggest you leave and let her get on with it," he said firmly.

Ben did not move. He hadn't even looked at Matthew so far, just at Katy. He scrutinised her face looking for some kind of clue, some kind of encouragement but could not decipher what was going on behind the mask.

Finally he took a deep breath and reached into his trouser pocket and very slowly pulled something out.

It was a black, rather limp banana.

He held it tentatively towards Katy without moving from his spot just inside the door.

"I got you this. Do you want it? In the cla.s.s they said it might help," he said.

Matthew looked at the banana confused.

Katy stared and blinked a lot before she finally pulled the mask off her face.

"A banana," exploded Matthew. "A f.u.c.king banana. Are you serious? You bring her a banana now. It's love and stability and security she needs not a f.u.c.king banana. Christ you really are an absolute idiot. A f.u.c.king banana. Unbelievable." Katy opened her mouth to speak but was brought to an abrupt halt by the onset of another contraction.

"Now look what you've done," said Matthew, glaring at Ben. "Easy now Katy, easy. The book says to just breathe through it."

"The book says?" said Ben approaching the bed. "She doesn't want to know what some tosspot books says. Go on let it out Katy. Have a good scream."

"No Katy. Don't listen to him. Screams waste your energy. Just breathe through it. Look, follow this diagram here," said Matthew as he pushed the book under her nose and pointed frantically at the page."

Katy let out the biggest wail so far.

Ben was stunned. Shocked that Katy was capable of such a noise.

Matthew flicked rapidly through his book looking desperately for some kind of inspiration.

For the second time that morning Katy's hand shot out and knocked the book across the room. With superhuman effort and with a contraction in full flight she raised the hand that wasn't clutching desperately at the mask and slowly and deliberately took the banana out of Ben's hand.

Matthew looked between Ben and Katy in complete bewilderment.

"You can't be serious Katy? Come on think about it. You can't rely on him for anything. He'll be gone tomorrow when he realises the extent of the responsibility required and then where will you be? Come on Katy. You need to do the right thing here."

Katy put the banana beside her and reached over to take Ben's hand. Ben raised it to his lips before turning to Matthew.

"Responsibility you say," said Ben quietly. "You're right. It's very important. So let's all just be responsible for a minute shall we. How about you start by going and finding Alison, your wife, who is about to have twins. That would be responsible wouldn't it? Then, when you've left the room to be all responsible, I will do the right thing by asking Katy to marry me." Ben looked down and addressed Katy. "You can turn me down obviously, but if you'll have me, I think we should go for it."

Katy nodded vigorously before letting out another gigantic scream.