No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 16

"That what? You thought you wouldn't tell me. Have you spoken to Matthew about it?"

"Well yes, but only because he suspected too, so I had to. And we agreed that the chance is so small that everyone would be better off if we just forgot about it."

"When did you talk to him?"

"Ages ago, I can't remember."

"When, Katy?" asked Ben aggressively.

"Well, Christ I don't know," said Katy, totally fl.u.s.tered. "I guess it must have been after we saw them at the first antenatal cla.s.s. I thought I'd never see him again after the reunion, but then when he turned up at the cla.s.s I had to talk to him."

"So you and him have been having these talks for weeks and all along you have let me think that the baby was mine."

"Ben please, you make it sound so terrible. I was trying to do the right thing, I promise you. I wasn't trying to deceive you on purpose."

"What? Making me think all the way along that this was my baby when you knew it might not be. Don't you think I had the right to know? You obviously thought that Matthew did."

"No. It wasn't like that. I didn't choose to tell Matthew, he guessed and I had to talk to him to stop him ruining everything. I couldn't let him ruin it for nothing. Please listen Ben," begged Katy. "You are the father."

Ben was silent, staring through the window into the distance. Katy daren't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing yet again. She silently prayed for a miracle. Finally Ben made his parting shot.

"It doesn't matter how small the chance is Katy, there is still a chance and I don't know how I can live with that. But what is certain is that you lied to me. Not only about the baby but also about Matthew. You are not who I thought you were Katy. And to think I thought I wasn't good enough for you."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks now, almost as fast as down Katy's.

"Of course you're good enough for me, Of course you are Ben. And you're right, I'm not good enough for you. What I have done is terrible but I was trying to do the right thing. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Well you just did."

Ben turned and headed out of the room.

"Don't go. Please don't go Ben," said Katy, stumbling after him. "I need you. I can't do this alone. Ben please. Please don't leave me."

Ben turned around briefly, almost unrecognisable in his despair, lines having suddenly appeared on his young face. He stared at her for a moment. Then turned again and walked out of the door.

Katy slumped to the floor and wept like she had never wept before, just as the dead crabs tumbled still muted onto a pier somewhere in Alaska in the dead of night.

Chapter 18.

She wasn't sure what time it was. She looked up and the crabs were gone, probably already having their insides ripped out by some surly Alaskan. Katy felt like her own insides had been wrenched from her body. This was no normal crying. It was a torrent, an almighty avalanche, a wild typhoon of a cry that threatened to drown and quite possibly deafen her. Every time she felt she might be mastering the storm another front came from nowhere and flattened her without mercy.

She was still slumped in the hallway where Ben had left her, unable to summon up any purpose to moving. Her hands and her forearms were soaked with tears as she had long ago drenched the tissues she had stuffed up her sleeves from her earlier clean-up.

Finally she managed to comprehend that she needed help. That this was not going to die away without some kind of external effort. She hauled herself onto her hands and knees and made slow progress towards the phone which sat on a side table on the opposite side of the hall. She slumped again when she reached it, as though she had just run a marathon and sat for a few moments trying to regain some sort of steady breathing. She took a deep breath and picked up the phone to dial Daniel's mobile.

Of course it went straight to voicemail. She slumped again, listening to Daniel's message whilst trying to summon up the energy to speak.

"Hi guys. I must be doing something really important or screening my calls and just don't want to talk to you. Anyway leave me a message and I will call you when I have finished collecting my award for creative genius in advertising."

"Daniel. Daniel. Pick up the phone. Please pick up the phone," she said in between the sniffs.

Eventually she remembered that she was talking to a mobile answer machine so he wouldn't be able to hear her.

"Daniel, call me now. Ben knows everything and he's gone, for good. What am I going to do? Just stop everything and call me Daniel. I need you."

She put the phone back then winced as the baby gave an almighty kick. She looked down to see some kind of limb desperately feeling the very edges of her belly for any kind of gap that might lead to daylight.

"This is really happening," she thought, staring at the small mole hill travelling across her front. "I am really going to have a baby alone."

The tears started to flow again, not a storm this time, more an irritating drizzle, the type that never seems to end.

The drizzle continued whilst Katy miserably contemplated her life as a lone parent. When the phone finally sprang to life, Katy answered before the second ring.

"What am I going to do? Ben's gone. Gone for good," she blurted out before Daniel could even say h.e.l.lo. "He came and it was fine and then stupid, stupid me thought he must have worked it out. That he might not be the dad. But he hadn't worked it out had he? And he kept shouting at me to explain and so I had to tell him everything and so he stopped shouting but he wouldn't say anything. Nothing. He just stared and looked so sad. I have never seen him look so sad before. Then finally he said that I was not worthy of him. That he couldn't get over the lies. And he's so right. Of course he's right. I've been so, so stupid. And now what am I going to do? How am I going to tell the baby what I've done. That it's my fault it doesn't have a daddy. That I totally screwed it up. That I have ruined its life even before it was born."

"I'm on my way," replied Matthew.

The line went dead before Katy had time to drop the receiver on the floor. There was an unhealthy crack as it struck the wooden floorboard followed by the sound of a soft purr confirming that the caller had moved on. The shock of Matthew's voice left Katy numb. Almost on auto-pilot she picked up the phone and dialled 1471 then returned the call. It went straight through to voicemail.

"h.e.l.lo, you are through to Matthew Chesterman. I'm sorry I can't get to the phone right now but if you leave your name and number I will call you back as soon as I can. Please wait for the beep. Thank you."

"Pick up the phone," muttered Katy, realising full well this time that he couldn't hear her.

The beep sounded.

"I thought you were Daniel. If you get this, I don't think you should come here. Just stay away Matthew, please."

She replaced the receiver and shuffled back through to the lounge and collapsed on the sofa. The Discovery Channel had moved on from the crabs and was now showing wild moose mating in some remote-looking wooded area. The ritual looked particularly unjoyful conducted in mute. Katy watched as the male finished, clambered off, shook himself then surveyed the rest of the females before wandering nonchalantly over to his next target.

"Typical man," she thought before realising that she had behaved exactly as the detached looking male moose. Had she not wandered from mate to mate without any fear of the consequences?

The action changed. Now the male moose was running quickly through dense forest. The screen went black before showing a scene of the moose lying dead on the floor as two hunters reloaded their guns.

"I so deserve to be shot," thought Katy.

The baby gave her another almighty kick.

"My G.o.d, there's a baby, a real baby," she cried. "I can't even wish to get shot in peace."

The baby kicked her again.

"Alright, alright. Enough already." She flew up from the couch, marched into the nursery and surveyed a cot in bits on the floor and a pile of plastic carriers full of untouched baby retail.

She grabbed the nearest carrier bag and emptied it onto the floor. She knelt down and began tearing cellophane and cardboard as though her life depended on it. She flung packaging into one corner and its contents into another, shrieking in frustration every time an item appeared to not want to be parted from its wrapping.

By the time she had finished ransacking the plastic bags she had worked up quite a sweat. She caught sight of the screwdriver left in the room by Ben ready to make up the cot. She seized it and began attaching screws to pieces of wood with no idea if they were in the right place. Before long she somehow had a cot that resembled an avant-garde teepee for dwarfs. By now she was breathing very fast but she daren't stop, daren't slow down because that would allow her mind to wander away from her artistic construction towards something much more destructive.

When she could no longer find any screws to screw she flung the screwdriver across the room and hauled herself up. She walked over to the corner of the room and scooped up an armful of vests, babygros, sheets and blankets and waddled out of the room towards the kitchen, tripping occasionally as her feet got caught in trailing garments.

Just as she approached the hall the doorbell rang. Incredibly in her crazed fervour she had forgotten that Matthew had called and wondered in surprise who it could be. For a moment her heart leapt as she wondered if it was Ben then she recalled her mistaken outburst at Matthew and realised that he obviously hadn't got her message.

She hovered in the hallway burying her head in the pile of clothes. She felt her shoulders start to heave yet again as a fresh wave of despair engulfed her.

"Let me in Katy. Please. Let me look after you, just for a minute. Let me see that you're alright," shouted Matthew through the door. He sounded so gentle and soothing that she lunged for the door with relief, managing to open it despite her loaded arms.

Matthew peered around the pile of washing that greeted him as the door opened.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm here," she sobbed, trying to hide her puffy red face deep in the washing.

"Look, why don't we just put this all down here on the floor. We can go and sit down and you can tell me what happened."

"No," said Katy, her head flying out of her temporary mask. "I have to get these in the wash now. They can't go on the floor. They have to be washed now. The baby could come any minute." She tugged the pile back away from Matthew and strode off to the kitchen.

"You're not in labour, are you?" asked Matthew.

She turned in the doorway.

"Don't be ridiculous. Do you think I'd be here if I was? These have to be washed straight away, no time to lose. I have to be ready because there will be no-one to help me now."

Matthew caught up with her in the kitchen trying to stuff at least two loads of washing in at once.

"Why don't you let me help?" he said, gently attempting to pull away from her some of the cream cotton babygros.

"No, I can do it. I have to do it. Ben has gone. I am all alone. I have to learn to do everything on my own now."

She was frantically squeezing anything she could lay her hands on into the washing machine. She had just about managed it when the corner of a blanket refused to budge. She tugged and tugged but it would not move.

"Just let go Matthew, you are not helping," she screamed, but when she looked up, Matthew was a few yards away, leaning against the wall, waiting patiently for her to finish. She looked down at the corner of the blanket and gave it an enormous tug which almost threw her off balance.

"Katy, you are trying to put your dressing gown into the machine whilst you're still wearing it," said Matthew, kneeling down beside her and stroking her back. "Please sit down and let's just be calm for a minute shall we."

"Stop hindering me," she shouted in his face. "I don't have time for this, I told you. Nothing's ready and I have to do it on my own." Suddenly she stared at Matthew in horror. "Oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d, I haven't even packed my hospital bag. That's what I should be doing first."

Katy pulled herself up and left the washing spilling out of the machine to head back to the nursery.

Matthew followed her and watched as she tried to get her overnight bag off the top shelf of the cupboard. He noticed the dwarf teepee which remarkably was still standing in the middle of the room. He contemplated asking what had happened but thought better of it. He walked up behind her and reached over the top of her head to pull down the bag.

"Thanks," she puffed. "I'll have everything down low soon so I won't need anyone to get things down for me." She strode off again, this time to the bathroom. He thought he might go and wait in the living room until this whirlwind had died down but he heard a crash and decided he had better continue his shadowing.

"It's all right; it's all right, just go away. Leave me alone. It's just some bubble bath broken in the bath. I'll wash it away later. Just leave, Matthew, please."

Katy was throwing every bottle of fancy fragrance she owned into her hospital bag. Matthew looked around and remembered with a sharp pang his feelings in this room all those months ago on the night of the reunion. It had seemed like Katy's calm little oasis that he was intruding on. It had an exotic air just as Katy had had on that fateful night when he had dared to behave as a free man. Who would have thought that the next time he was in this room it would be with a mad woman throwing bottles everywhere?

Katy pushed past him roughly. Dejectedly he followed her into the bedroom, not quite sure of his next move. She was now elbow deep in a chest of drawers throwing every item onto the floor.

"I b.l.o.o.d.y didn't did I? G.o.d I am absolute c.r.a.p. The one thing I had to get and I didn't. I am useless and not fit to be a mother. I'll just have to go now. Before the shops shut, before it's too late."

She opened the wardrobe, pulled out some boots, then sat on the bed attempting to put them on despite the fact she was still in her in her pyjamas and laces are d.a.m.n near impossible to tie at nearly nine months pregnant.

Matthew knelt down on the floor in front of her and gently lifted her head. "Where are you going?" he said as calmly as he could.

"I have to go and get a nightdress to give birth in and it has to have b.u.t.tons down the front because that's what Joan said at the cla.s.s because then you can hold the baby to your skin without having to take anything off and you are supposed to hold your baby to your skin because that helps you bond straight away and I have to bond straight away you see because if I don't who will, because it will be just me. Only me."

The tide of tears returned and she fell into Matthew's arms as the sobbing racked her body. They sat on the edge of her bed as he rocked her slowly and she buried her head in his monogrammed ironed handkerchief.

They didn't speak for a good half hour, until Katy was completely spent. She sat twisting his sodden handkerchief in her hands in her lap, sniffing occasionally, whilst he gently rubbed her back.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" asked Matthew when he considered the tears to have completely dried up. Katy tried to start to tell him but was. .h.i.t by yet another wave of despair rendering her unable to speak. She threw herself on the bed and pounded the pillows.

"I am s.h.i.t, so s.h.i.t," came a m.u.f.fled howl. "What have I done? I don't deserve anyone, I have made such a mess of things," she said finally raising her head.

"So has he left you?" asked Matthew.

"Yes, of course he has. Wouldn't you? He knows everything Matthew. He knows you could be the father. Why did you tell him we slept together?" she said angrily. "Why Matthew? He had to know. I realise that now. He made me realise that but I should have told him not you. What right did you have to tell him? You b.a.s.t.a.r.d. You absolute b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

She started beating his chest with all her strength until he managed to catch her wrists in his hands.

"I'm sorry, really I am. I was drunk and I was upset with Alison for treating me like a child in front of everyone, telling me off over the vodka. Then Ben came into the toilets and he was taunting me, telling me that you would never look twice at me now because I was too boring, so... so I couldn't help myself. I had to go and put him straight didn't I? I was stupid and I was wrong. I'm sorry Katy, really I am."

She went limp and buried her head in her hands.

"You know what, it doesn't really matter. He would have found out somehow. How on earth I could have thought that I could keep a secret like that I don't know. I made my bed and now I have got to lie in it. It's my problem."

"No, it's not just your problem, it's mine as well," he said, putting his arm around her and putting one hand over hers. "We started this, both of us. I'm not going to leave you to cope with this on your own. I'll figure something out. I'll take care of you Katy, somehow. I let you down all those years ago and I am not going to do it again. There has to be a way. You are not going to do this on your own."

Silent tears were now pouring down Katy's face as she looked up at Matthew.

"But you have a wife and twins on the way."

"Let me worry about them. You could be having my baby Katy. I'm not going to walk away from that. You can't make me. I'll look after you, I promise."

He bent to give her a peck on her hot wet cheek which to his alarm appeared to make her silent tears flow even faster.

"I'm sorry," she said, quietly apologising for her lack of control over her emotions.

"No, I'm sorry," he said, bending forward again and this time placing his lips firmly over hers. She resisted for a moment then gave in to the re-a.s.suring warmth of his mouth. His hands continued to rotate on her back making her feel drowsy and deliciously sleepy. Suddenly an image of Ben's face popped into her head out of nowhere and she sprang back as if she had been struck by an electric shock.

"Stop. Stop now. Get out. What am I doing? Oh my G.o.d have I not destroyed enough today?" She leapt up and ran out of the room, screaming at Matthew to get out. She had the flat door open by the time he stumbled into the hall.

"Just go. Go now. Leave me alone."