Neighbors Of Lancaster County: Amish Weddings Part 36

"I need to ask you something," he said.

She closed the door.

"When will you start talking with me again?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've shut me out, mostly, since the accident. I got it at first. You were injured, badly. Then when you were recovering, Rose revealed she was pregnant and moved out. Then you had the stuff about your biological father. I get all that." He turned toward her. "But do you plan to come back? Do you plan to ever marry me? Has something changed?" He blinked quickly. "I know I sound like a jerk. I don't mean to. I just wonder what you're thinking. Maybe you've changed your mind, and you just can't tell me."

"No," she said. "I haven't changed my mind. It's just . . ."

"What? What is it?"

She thought of their little house, of Zane living in it alone. She glanced down at the cane she was still using. "I need more time," she said. She should at least be able to get upstairs in their house before they married.

Zane exhaled and started to say something more.

She shook her head. "I need to take a nap."

"Need to or want to?"

She swung the door open without a reply. He came around and helped her down and then up to the house, leaving her once she was inside. Dat, Beth, and Trudy probably wouldn't be home for another hour or so. Lila headed to her room and crawled into bed. She wasn't being fair to Zane. She knew it. "Lord," she prayed, "what's wrong with me?"

Her thoughts went to the day before the accident, to right before Zane showed her their house. She'd feared maybe she depended on Zane too much. She thought perhaps she had a lesson to learn, something to teach her to trust G.o.d more and Zane less. She never dreamt it would be an accident.

Tears stung her eyes. Zane was still her person, but she wasn't treating him that way. Part of her was afraid he wouldn't stick around if it turned out she couldn't have children-but she knew that was irrational. They wouldn't know until they married, and she knew Zane wouldn't leave. No matter what.

She swiped at her eyes. She hadn't learned to trust G.o.d more, despite what she'd gone through. She'd shut down. Her soul was as broken as her body.

She woke up to Trudy patting her arm. "Zane's here. He wants to speak with you." The light in the room had shifted, and Lila guessed it was four thirty or so. At first she wanted to tell Trudy to ask Zane to leave, but she didn't. She remembered her thoughts before going to sleep.

"I'll be right out," she said.

When she reached the living room, Zane sat talking with Dat. "h.e.l.lo," he said.

She smiled at him.

Dat stood. "I'll go see if I can help Beth."

Lila sat down beside Zane.

"I'm sorry." Zane put his hands on his knees. "For what I said earlier."

"No, you're right. Maybe I'm a little depressed," she said.

"You have reason to be," he said. "But-"

"Did you drive your buggy over?"

He nodded. He'd been trying to take Billie out every chance he could.

"We could go for a ride," Lila said.

"All right," Zane said. "It's cold though. Will you be warm enough?"

She nodded. "We don't have to go far." She couldn't talk freely in the house.

Ten minutes later, bundled in her warm winter coat, bonnet, scarf, and mittens, she sat in the buggy with a wool blanket tucked around her. Dusk was falling and the setting sun coming through the thin gray clouds cast a bluish hue over Juneberry Lane. Perhaps it would snow again soon.

Once Billie turned onto the highway, Lila said, "I know I've been distant-I'm sorry. I think maybe I've figured some of it out."

Zane glanced toward her, his eyes heavy.

"I need to do a better job trusting G.o.d. I've been so numb since the accident."

"Are you still taking the pain pills?"

She shook her head. "I haven't, not for a long time. But I've just been going through the motions. Not opening up to you or to G.o.d or to anyone, really. I'll work on that."

"Denki," he said, turning the buggy down a country lane and parking under a willow tree. He turned toward her, his knee against hers. "Anything else?"

She smiled a little. "All these years, especially after Mamm died, I had this idea that life with my biological father would have been better than life with Dat."

Zane shook his head. "I think that's pretty normal."

"And then he turned out to be far worse. He left them. Butch Jr. seems like such a great kid, you know? But wounded."

Zane nodded.

"Even though his mom is such a great parent." Lila leaned back against the bench. "My intuition was so wrong." Lila exhaled. "I wish Mamm would have warned me."

"She wouldn't have known how Butch Sr. turned out. He was still young the last time she saw him."

"That's true," Lila said.

"But it looks like there was a reason your mom didn't tell him about being pregnant," Zane said. "Apparently she didn't think he was good father material."

"Jah, you're right," Lila said. "And I feel bad about that because maybe she did think Dat would be a good father. Maybe that's why she married him-so Daniel and I would have a father and then siblings. The truth is," she said, thinking through it as she spoke, "I truly believe Dat did favor Simon and Rose, and then Trudy too, in a way. But I don't think he did it intentionally. I don't even think he was aware of it."

Zane nodded. "Perhaps part of it was he expected more out of you and Daniel-because you were older."

Lila agreed. She'd actually wondered that before but had dismissed it. But it probably had some merit. He treated Trudy with even more leniency than he had Simon and Rose.

"Maybe you'd feel better if you said something to your Dat, thanked him for being there for you all those years."

Lila wrinkled her nose.

"Think about it," Zane said.

It was hard to imagine that sort of conversation with Dat. Maybe in time. She definitely needed to say something to Rose though. Encouraging her to hold out hope for a relationship with Trevor might not have been the right thing to do.

The blue dusk had faded to darkness, but she could see Zane's face by the light from the lantern on the side of the buggy.

She shifted toward him even more, but a jolt of pain made her shift back in a hurry.

"Are you all right?" Zane asked.

"Jah," she answered.

"Just trying to avoid talking?"

She smiled a little and then shivered.

"Are you cold?" he asked, scooting closer to her. He put his arm around her and pulled her tight. The shift caused more pain, but then it stopped. She relaxed against him, surprised at how good his touch felt.

"So what about marriage?" he asked. "Are we going to set a date?"

"Let's see how the next few months go," Lila said.

Zane paused for a long moment and then said, "All right."

"It would be better to wait until Rose has her baby." Before she even realized what was happening, a sob shook Lila.

Zane scooted even closer. "I'm sorry," he said.

She leaned her head into his chest, thinking of all the times he'd been her place of safety. She felt that now. "It just feels so unfair."

"But what she's going through doesn't have anything to do with us," Zane said. "Except for giving us a niece or nephew. It doesn't have any bearing on whether we can have children or not."

"But I feel like it does. As if her getting pregnant so easily means I won't."

"That's superst.i.tious," Zane said.

"I know." She sighed. "She'll need me once she comes home from Eve's, and especially after the baby is born."

"Jah," Zane said, "but not for long. What are you thinking, as far as us?"

"September, maybe."

Zane's expression fell.

"I'm sorry," she said. It was more than just feeling as if she should be around for Rose and her baby. She couldn't climb up the stairs of the little house to their bedroom. She couldn't do the ch.o.r.es to run a house. She wouldn't be able to tend a garden. There was so much she couldn't do.

He was silent for a long moment. Finally he leaned closer. "I'll wait," he said. "I've been waiting since the first time I saw you, standing on the other side of the gate. I'll wait as long as it takes, no matter what."

"Denki." She did believe him, even though she walked with one of his father's canes. None of this was what they'd expected.

23.

Rose sat on the table in the doctor's office wearing a gown. "Would you like your aunt to come back in?" the doctor asked as she typed on the laptop she'd brought in with her. She seemed young to be a doctor, probably in her early thirties.

Rose nodded. As the doctor left the room, she fixated on a photo of a newborn sitting in a bed of red tulips. The little one wore a red stocking cap and a red dress and green tights. It was a ridiculous photo-but still cute.

The clinic was near the hospital in Lancaster, the one Shani worked at. The one Lila had been in after the accident. The one Trevor had given Rose a ride to.

She hadn't heard back from him. It was the middle of March and she doubted, since he hadn't called by now, that he ever would. She'd call him when the Bobbli was born, just to let him know.

Eve had been trying to get her to go to the doctor since Rose moved in, but Rose kept saying she was young and healthy and didn't want to go yet. Finally Eve told her she couldn't keep living with them if she didn't-she needed to put her Bobbli's needs first. By the time Rose finally called the number Eve gave her, the first available appointment was a month away. Now here it was, the middle of March, and Rose was over halfway through the pregnancy.

She'd never had any type of exam before and hadn't been to the doctor at all for years. Eve told her she'd tag along if that would make it easier, and Rose was grateful for the offer. Eve had taken the afternoon off work, and Charlie was home with Jackson.

There was a quick knock on the door, and the doctor and Eve walked into the room. Once they were both seated, the doctor said she wanted Rose to have an ultrasound.

Many of the women in the district used midwives and never had ultrasounds. Rose didn't feel comfortable having a first Bobbli at home, but she'd told the doctor she didn't want to have anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. "Are you sure I need one?" Rose asked.

"Yes," the doctor replied. "You're small for twenty-two weeks-the height of your fundus should correlate with how many weeks along you are. Unless you miscalculated your date."

Rose shook her head. There wasn't any chance of that.

"There may not be anything to be concerned about, but we want to cover our bases. I can't be sure how much weight you've gained but according to what you've said it's less than ten pounds. "

Rose glanced at Eve, who had a concerned expression on her face.

"The technician will be in with the machine," the doctor said. "I'll come back in afterward."

Once the doctor left, Eve stood.

"Does she think something's wrong?" Rose asked.

"We'll know soon," Eve said.

The technician arrived, pushing a cart with the machine on it. After a couple of minutes of getting everything set up, she instructed Rose to lie back down and lift her gown. She explained that she would put gel on Rose's abdomen and then rub the wand over her belly. She pointed at the screen. "Then we'll be able to see your baby here."

Rose kept her eyes on the screen.

"Do you want to know the baby's gender?"

Rose shook her head.

"Okay, I won't say anything. You might end up being able to figure it out though."