Nature and Human Nature Part 31

"'I is most afeard she is too much a slave to fashion,' sais I.

"'Uncle,' said she, 'you mustn't say dat ob dear Miss Lunn, or I must decline de onor to dine wid you. It ain't spectful. Mr Sorrow, my missus ain't de slave ob fashion--she sets it, by golly!' and she stood up quite dignant.

"'Sambo, clar out ob dis dinin' room quick stick,' sais I to de waiter; 'you is so fond ob lookin' out on de field, you shall go work dere, you lazy hound; walk out ob de room dis minit; when I has finished my dinner, I will make you jine de labor gang. Miss Phillis, do resume your seat agin, you is right as you allus is; shall I ab de honour to take gla.s.s ob wine wid you?'

"Now, Ma.s.sa, try dat 'skivery; you will be able to eat tree times as much as you do now. Arter dat invention, I used to enjoy my sleep grand. I went into de hottest place in de sun, laid up my face to him, and sleep like a cedar stump, but den I allus put my veil on."

"To keep the flies off?" said I.

"Lordy gracious! no, master, dey nebber trouble me; dey is afraid in de dark, and when dey see me, dey tink it is night, and cut off."

"What is the use of it, then?"

"To save my complexion, Ma.s.sa; I is afraid it will fade white. Yah, yah, yah!"

While we were engaged in eating our steak, he put some gla.s.ses on the table and handed me a black bottle, about two-thirds full, and said, "Ma.s.sa, dis here fog ab got down my troat, and up into my head, and most kill me, I can't tell wedder dat is wine or rum, I is almost clean gwine distracted. Will Ma.s.sa please to tell me?"

I knew what he was at, so sais I, "If you can't smell it, taste it."

Well, he poured a gla.s.s so full, n.o.body but a n.i.g.g.e.r could have reached his mouth with it without spilling. When he had swallowed it he looked still more puzzled.

"Peers to me," he said, "dat is wine, he is so mild, and den it peers to me it's rum, for when it gets down to de stomach he feel so good.

But dis child ab lost his taste, his smell, and his finement, altogedder."

He then poured out another b.u.mper, and as soon as he had tossed it off, said, "Dat is de clear grit; dat is oleriferous--wake de dead amost, it is de genuine piticular old Jamaicky, and no mistake. I must put dat bottle back and give you todder one, dat must be wine for sartain, for it is chock full, but rum vaporates bery fast when de cork is drawn. Missus used to say, 'Sorrow, meat, when kept, comes bery high, but rum gets bery low.'"

"Happy fellow and lucky fellow too, for what white man in your situation would be treated so kindly and familiarly as you are? The fact is, Doctor, the negroes of America, as a cla.s.s, whether slaves or free men, experience more real consideration, and are more comfortable, than the peasants of almost any country in Europe. Their notions of the origin of white men are very droll, when the things are removed I will make him give you his idea on the subject.

"Sorrow," said I, "what colour was Adam and Eve?"

"Oh, Ma.s.sa," said he, "don't go for to ask dis child what you knows yourself better nor what he does. I will tell you some oder time, I is bery poorly just now, dis uncountable fog ab got into my bones. Dis is shocking bad country for n.i.g.g.ars; oh, dere is nuffin' like de lubbly sout; it's a nateral home for blackies.

'In Souf Carolina de n.i.g.g.ars grow If de white man will only plant his toe, Den dey water de ground wid baccy smoke, And out ob de soil dere heads will poke.

Ring de hoop, blow de horn, I nebber see de like since I was born, Way down in de counte-ree, Four or five mile from de ole Peedee.'

"Oh, Ma.s.sa, dis coast is only fit for seals, porpoises, and dog-fish, but not for gentleman, nor n.i.g.g.ars, nor ladies. Oh, I berry bad," and he pressed both hands on his stomach as if he was in great pain.

"Perhaps another gla.s.s of old Jamaica would set you right," I said.

"Ma.s.sa, what a most a grand doctor you would ab made," he said. "Yah, yah, yah--you know de wery identical medicine for de wery identical disease, don't you? dat is just what natur was callin' for eber so bad."

"Natur," sais I, "what's that, spell it."

"R-u-m," said he, "dat is human natur, and whiskey is soft sawder, it tickle de troat so nice and go down so slick. Dem is de names my old missus used to gib 'em. Oh, how she would a lubb'd you, if you had s.p.u.n.ked up to her and tied up to our plantation; she didn't fection Yankees much, for dem and dead n.i.g.g.ars is too cold to sleep with, and cunnuchs (Canadians) she hated like pison, cause they 'ticed off n.i.g.g.ars; but she'd a took to you naterally, you is such a good cook. I always tink, Ma.s.sa, when folks take to eatin' same breakfast, same lunch, same dinner, same tea, same supper, drinkin' same soup, lubbin'

same graby, and fectioning same preserves and pickles, and cakes and pies, and wine, and cordials, and ice-creams, den dey plaguy soon begin to rambition one anodder, and when dey do dat, dey is sure to say, 'Sorrow, does you know how to make weddin' cake, and frost him, and set him off partikelar jam, wid wices of all kinds, little koopids, and c.o.c.ks and hens, and bales of cotton, figs of baccy, and ears of corn, and all sorts of pretty things done in clarfied sugar.

It do seem nateral to me, for when our young n.i.g.g.ars go sparkin' and spendin' evenings, dey most commonly marries. It stand to reason. But, Ma.s.sa, I is bery bad indeed wid dis dreadful pain in my infernal parts--I is indeed. Oh," said he, smackin' his lips, and drainin' his gla.s.s, "dat is def to a white man, but life to a n.i.g.g.ar; dat is sublime. What a pity it is though dey make de gla.s.ses so almighty tunderin' small; de man dat inwented dem couldn't a had no remaginable nose at all, dat are a fac."

"But the colour of Adam?" said I.

"Oh, Ma.s.sa," he said, "you knows bery well he was a black gentleman, and Missus Eve a most splendid Sw.a.n.ga black lady. Oh yes, Ma.s.sa, dey were made black to enjoy de grand warm sun. Well, Cain was a wicked man, cause he killed his brudder. So de Lord say to him one day, 'Cain, where is your brudder?' 'I don't know, Ma.s.sa,' said he, 'I didn't see him nowhere.' Well, de next time he asked him de sef-same question, and he answered quite sarcy, 'How in de world does I know,'

sais he, 'I ain't my brudder's keeper.' Well, afore he know'd where he was, de Lord said to him, in a voice of tunder, 'You murdered him, you villain!' And Cain, he was so scared, he turned white dat very instant. He nebber could stand heat, nor enjoy summer no more again, nor none ob his childer arter him, but Abel's children remain black to dis day. Fac, Ma.s.sa, fac, I does a.s.sure you. When you like supper, Ma.s.sa?"

"At ten o'clock," sais I.

"Well, den, I will go and get sunthen nice for you. Oh! my ole missus was a lubbly cook; I don't believe in my heart de Queen ob England could hold a candle to her! she knowed twenty-two and a half ways to cook Indian corn, and ten or twelve ob 'em she inwented herself dat was de stonishment ob ebbery one."

"Half a way," I said, "what do you mean by that?"

"Why, Ma.s.sa, de common slommachy way people ab ob boiling it on de cob; dat she said was only half a way. Oh, Lordy gracious, one way she wented, de corn was as white as snow, as light as puff, and so delicate it disgested itself in de mout."

"You can go," said Cutler.

"Tankee, Ma.s.sa," said Sorrow, with a mingled air of submission and fun, as much as to say, "I guess I don't want leave for that, anyhow, but I thank you all the same as if I did," and making a sc.r.a.pe of his hind-leg, he retired.

"Slick," said Cutler, "it isn't right to allow that n.i.g.g.e.r to swallow so much rum! How can one wonder at their degradation, when a man like you permits them to drink in that manner?"

"Exactly," sais I, "you think and talk like all abolitionists, as my old friend Colonel Crockett used to say, the Yankees always do. He said, 'When they sent them to pick their cherries, they made them whistle all the time, so that they couldn't eat any.' I understand blacks better than you do. Lock up your liquor and they will steal it, for their moral perceptions are weak. Trust them, and teach them to use, and not abuse it. Do that, and they will be grateful, and prove themselves trustworthy. That fellow's drinking is more for the fun of the thing than the love of liquor. Negroes are not drunkards. They are droll boys; but, Cutler, long before thrashing machines were invented, there was a command, 'not to muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn.' Put that in your pipe, my boy, the next time you prepare your Kinnikennic for smoking, will you?"

"'Kinnikennic,'" said the doctor, "what under the sun is that?"

"A composition," sais I, "of dry leaves of certain aromatic plants and barks of various kinds of trees, an excellent subst.i.tute for tobacco, but when mixed with it, something super-superior. If we can get into the woods, I will show you how to prepare it; but, Doctor," sais I, "I build no theories on the subject of the Africans; I leave their construction to other and wiser men than myself. Here is a sample of the raw material, can it be manufactured into civilization of a high order? Q stands for query, don't it? Well, all I shall do is to put a Q to it, and let politicians answer it; but I can't help thinking there is some truth in the old saw, 'Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.'"

CHAPTER XIV.

FEMALE COLLEGES.

After Sorrow had retired, we lighted our cigars, and turned to for a chat, if chat it can be called one, where I did most of the talking myself.

"Doctor," said I, "I wish I had had more time to have examined your collection of minerals. I had no idea Nova Scotia could boast of such an infinite variety of them. You could have taught me more in conversation in five minutes than I could have learned by books in a month. You are a mineralogist, and I am sorry to say I ain't, though every boarding-school miss now-a-days in our country consaits she is.

They are up to trap at any rate, if nothing else, you may depend," and I gave him a wink.

"Now don't, Slick," said he, "now don't set me off, that's a good fellow."

"'Mr Slick,' said a young lady of about twelve years of age to me wunst, 'do you know what gray wackey is? for I do.'

"'Don't I,' sais I; 'I know it to my cost. Lord! how my old master used to lay it on!'

"'Lay it on!' she said, 'I thought it reposed on a primitive bed.'

"'No it don't,' said I. 'And if anybody knows what gray wackey is, I ought; but I don't find it so easy to repose after it as you may. Gray means the gray birch rod, dear, and wackey means layin' it on. We always called it gray whackey in school, when a feller was catching particular Moses.'

"'Why, how ignorant you are!' said she. 'Do you know what them mining tarms, clinch, parting, and black bat means?'

"'Why, in course I do!' sais I; 'clinch is marrying, parting is getting divorced, and black bat is where a fellow beats his wife black and blue."