Nature and Human Nature Part 18

"Oh, my old 'Come-outer,'" said I, as I took my last look at him for the night, "you have 'come-out' in your true colours at last, but this comes of 'fiddling and dancing, and serving the devil.'"

CHAPTER VIII.

St.i.tCHING A b.u.t.tON-HOLE.

After the family had retired to rest, the doctor and I lighted our cigars, and discoursed of the events of the evening.

"Such men as Jehu Judd," he said, "do a monstrous deal of mischief in the country. By making the profession of piety a cloak for their knavery, they injure the cause of morality, and predispose men to ridicule the very appearance of that which is so justly ent.i.tled to their respect, a sober, righteous, and G.o.dly life. Men lose their abhorrence of fraud in their distrust of the efficacy of religion. It is a duty we owe to society to expose and punish such fellows."

"Well then, I will do my duty," said I, laughing, "he has fired into the wrong flock this time, I'll teach him not to do it again, or my name is not Sam Slick. I will make that goney a caution to sinners, I know. He has often deceived others so that they didn't know him, I will now alter him so he shan't know himself when he wakes up."

Proceeding to my bed-room, which, as I said before, adjoined the parlour, I brought out the box containin' my sketchin' fixins, and opening of a secret drawer, showed him a small paper of bronze-coloured powder.

"That," said I," is what the Indians at the Nor-west use to disguise a white man, when he is in their train, not to deceive their enemies, for you couldn't take in a savage for any length of time, no how you could fix it, but that his pale face might not alarm the scouts of their foes. I was stained that way for a month when I was among them, for there was war going on at the time."

Mixing a little of it with brandy I went to the sofa, where Mr Jehu Judd was laid out, and with a camel's hair brush ornamented his upper lip with two enormous and ferocious moustachios, curling well upwards, across his cheeks to his ears, and laid on the paint in a manner to resist the utmost efforts of soap and water. Each eye was adorned with an enormous circle to represent the effect of blows, and on his forehead was written in this indelible ink in large print letters, like those on the starn-board of a vessel, the words "Jehu of Quaco."

In the morning we made preparations for visiting the Bachelor Beaver.

The evangelical trader awoke amid the general bustle of the house, and sought me out to talk over the sale of his mackarel.

"Fa is tat," said Peter, who first stared wildly at him, and then put himself in a posture of defence. "Is she a deserter from the garishon of Halifax?"

"I am a man of peace," said Jehu (who appeared to have forgotten the aberrations of the last evening, and had resumed his usual sanctimoniouslyfied manner). "Swear not, friend, it is an abomination, and becometh not a Christian man."

Peter was amazed, he could not trust his eyes, his ears, or his memory.

"Toctor," said he, "come here for heaven's sake, is she hern ainsel or ta tevil."

The moment the doctor saw him, his hands as usual involuntarily protected his sides, and he burst out a laughing in his face, and then describing a circle on the gra.s.s, fell down, and rolled over, saying, "Oh, oh, that man will be the death of me." The girls nearly went into hysterics, and Cutler, though evidently not approving of the practical joke, as only fit for military life, unable to contain himself, walked away. The French boy, Etienne, frightened at his horrible expression of face, retreated backwards, crossed himself most devoutly, and muttered an Ave Maria.

"Friend Judd," said I, for I was the only one who retained my gravity, "thee ought not to wear a mask, it is a bad sign."

"I wear no mask, Mr Slick," he said, "I use no disguises, and it does not become a professing man like you to jeer and scoff because I reprove the man Peter for his profaneness."

Peter stamped and raved like a madman, and had to resort to Gaelic to disburden his mind of his effervescence. He threatened to shoot him; he knew him very well, he said, for he had seen him before on the prairies. He was a Kentucky villain, a forger, a tief, a Yankee spy sent to excite the Indians against the English. He knew his false moustachios, he would swear to them in any court of justice in the world. "Deil a bit is ta loon Jehu Judd," he said, "her name is prayin' Joe, the horse-stealer."

For the truth of this charge he appealed to his daughters, who stood aghast at the fearful resemblance his moustachios had given him to that noted borderer.

"That man of Satan," said Jehu, looking very uncomfortable, as he saw Peter flourishing a short dirk, and the doctor holding him back and remonstrating with him. "That man of Satan I never saw before yesterday, when I entered his house, where there was fiddling and dancing, and serving the devil. Truly my head became dizzy at the sight, my heart sunk within me at beholding such wickedness, and I fell into a swoon, and was troubled with dreams of the evil one all night."

"Then he visited thee, friend," I said, "in thy sleep, and placed his mark upon thee--the mark of the beast, come and look at it in the gla.s.s."

When he saw himself, he started back in great terror, and gave vent to a long, low, guttural groan, like a man who is suffering intense agony. "What in the world is all this?" he said. He again approached the gla.s.s and again retreated with a look of unspeakable despair, groaning like a thousand sinners, and swelled out about the head and throat like a startled blauzer-snake. After which he put his hand to his lip and discovered there was no hair. He then took courage and advanced once more, and examined it carefully, and rubbed it, but it did not remove it.

"He has burned it into the skin," I said, "he hath made thee the image of the horse-stealer, and who knoweth whom else thou resemblest. Thee art a marked man verily. Thee said thee never used disguises."

"Never," he said, "never, Mr Slick."

"Hush," I said, "thee hast worn three disguises. First, thee wore the disguise of religion; secondly, thee were disguised in liquor; and thirdly, thee art now disguised with what fighting men call the moustachio."

"Oh, Mr Slick," said he, leaving off his cant, and really looking like a different man, "dod drot it, it is a just punishment. I knock under, I holler, I give in, have mercy on me. Can you rid me of this horrid mark, for I can't flunk out in the street in this rig."

"I can," sais I, "but I will do it on one condition only, and that is, that you give over canting that way, and coverin' tricks with long faces and things too serious to mention now, for that is doubly wicked. Cheatin' ain't pretty at no time, though I wouldn't be too hard on a man for only gettin' hold of the right eend of the rope in a bargain. I have done it myself. Or puttin' the leak into a consaited critter sometimes for fun. But to cheat, and cant to help you a doin'

of it, is horrid, that's a fact. It's the very devil. Will you promise, if I take down that ornamental sign-board, that you will give up that kind o' business and set up a new shop?"

"I will," said he, "upon my soul--I'll be d--d if I don't. That ain't cant now, is it?"

"Well, now you never said a truer word," said I, "you will be d--d if you don't, that's a fact. But there is no use to run to the other extreme, neither."

"Are you a preacher?" said he, and I thought he gave me a sly look out of the corner of his eye, as much as to say, "how good we are, ain't we," as sin said when the devil was rebukin' of him. The fact is, the fellow was a thunderin' knave, but he was no fool, further than being silly enough to be a knave.

"No," sais I, "I ain't, I scorn a man dubbin' himself preacher, without the broughtens up to it, and a lawful warrant for being one.

And I scorn cant, it ain't necessary to trade. If you want that proved to you, wait till I return to-morrow, and if you get to winderd of me in a bargain, I'll give you leave to put the moustachios on me, that's a fact. My maxim is to buy as low and sell as high as I can, provided the article will bear a large profit. If not, I take a moderate advance, turn the penny quick, and at it again. I will compound something that will take out your false hair, for I don't think it will be easy to shave it off. It all came of pretence. What in the world was the reason you couldn't walk quietly into the cantecoi, where people were enjoying themselves, and either join them, or if you had scruples, keep them to yourself and sit by. n.o.body would have molested you. Nothing but cant led you to join temperance societies. A man ought to be able to use, not abuse liquor, but the moment you obligate yourself not to touch it, it kinder sets you a hankering after it, and if you taste it after that, it upsets you, as it did last night. It ain't easy to wean a calf that takes to suckin' the second time, that's a fact. Your pretence set folks agin you. They didn't half like the interruption for one thing, and then the way you acted made them disrespect you. So you got a most an all-fired trick played on you. And I must say it sarves you right. Now, sais I, go on board and--"

"Oh, Mr Slick," said he, "oh now, that's a good fellow, don't send me on board such a figure as this, I'd rather die fust, I'd never hear the last of it. The men would make me the laughing-stock of Quaco. Oh, I can't go on board."

"Well," sais I, "go to bed then, and put a poultice on your face, to soften the skin." That warn't necessary at all, but I said it to punish him. "And when I come back, I will give you a wash, that will make your face as white and as smooth as a baby's."

"Oh, Mr Slick," said he, "couldn't you--" but I turned away, and didn't hear him out.

By the time I had done with him, we were all ready to start for the Bachelor Beaver. Peter borrowed an extra horse and waggon, and drove his youngest daughter. Cutler drove Jessie in another, and the doctor and I walked.

"We can travel as fast as they can," he said, "for part of the road is full of stumps, and very rough, and I like the arrangement, and want to have a talk with you about all sorts of things."

After travelling about two miles, we struck off the main highway into a wood-road, in which stones, hillocks, and roots of trees so impeded the waggons, that we pa.s.sed them, and took the lead.

"Are you charged?" said the Doctor, "if not, I think we may as well do so now."

"Perhaps it would be advisable," said I. "But where is your gun?"

"I generally am so well loaded," he replied, "when I go to the woods, I find it an enc.u.mbrance. In addition to my other traps, I find forty weight of pemican as much as I can carry."

"Pemican,"1 sais I, "what in natur is that?" I knew as well as he did what it was, for a man that don't understand how to make that, don't know the very abeselfa of wood-craft. But I tell you what, Squire, unless you want to be hated, don't let on you know all that a feller can tell you. The more you do know, the more folks are afeared to be able to tell you something new. It flatters their vanity, and it's a harmless piece of politeness, as well as good policy to listen; for who the plague will attend to you if you won't condescend to hear them? Conversation is a barter, in which one thing is swapped for another, and you must abide by the laws of trade. What you give costs you nothing; and what you get may be worth nothing; so, if you don't gain much, you don't lose, at all events. "So," sais I, "what in natur is pemican?"

1 See Dunn's "Oregon."

"Why," sais he, "it is formed by pounding the choice parts of venison or other meat very small, dried over a slack fire, or by the frost, and put into bags, made of the skin of the slain animal, into which a portion of melted fat is poured. The whole being then strongly pressed, and sewed up in bags, const.i.tutes the best and most portable food known; and one which will keep a great length of time. If a dainty man, like you, wishes to improve its flavour, you may spice it."

"What a grand thing that would be for soldiers during forced marches, wouldn't it. Well, Doctor," sais I, "that's a wrinkle, ain't it? But who ever heard of a colonial minister knowing anything of colony habits?"

"If we have a chance to kill a deer," he said, "I will show you how to make it," and he looked as pleased to give me that information as if he had invented it himself. "So I use this instead of a gun," he continued, producing a long, thick-barreled pistol, of capital workmanship, and well mounted. "I prefer this, it answers every purpose: and is easy to carry. There are no wolves here, and bears never attack you, unless molested, so that the gun-barrel is not needed as a club; and if Bruin once gets a taste of this, he is in no hurry to face it again. The great thing is to know how to shoot, and where to hit. Now, it's no use to fire at the head of a bear, the proper place to aim for is the side, just back of the fore leg. Are you a good shot?"

"Well," said I, "I can't brag, for I have seen them that could beat me at that game; but, in a general way, I don't calculate to throw away my lead. It's scarce in the woods. Suppose though we have a trial. Do you see that blaze in the hemlock tree, there? try it."