Music And Lyrics: Soul-O Part 3

She says, "Want me to meet you there?"

Really, I want to be alone. I text, "If you want."

She texts back, "Be safe."

I'm an a.s.shole.

Chapter 8.

'I'm losing you, I'm losing me.'

Lyrics Who is this a.s.shole? I pace back and forth in my apartment, p.i.s.sed off, irritated as all get up. This engagement ring feels like it weighs one thousand pounds on my finger. It's as if I can feel him slipping away from me, from himself, and there is nothing I can do. Tanner has never treated me with disrespect or as a second thought. When we were eighteen years old, he went out on a date with this girl named Cindy. I was home writing, of course. While I was in the middle of my new song, I found myself unable to think of the next verse. I sent Tanner a text with a picture of what I had so far and told him that I was sorry for interrupting his date.

He sent me a text back that read, "Don't apologize, you are never an interruption. I'll be there in an hour."

I replied, "You don't need to end your date."

He texted back, "Seriously, I've almost fallen asleep three times already. See you in fifty-six minutes."

I remember feeling a sense of relief that he was ending his date. Cindy had a reputation for being easy, which kept my stomach in knots the whole time he was with her. We stayed up until three a.m. finishing and singing that song. To this day, it is still one of my favorites.

Not knowing what Tanner is doing at the bar is driving me crazy. It's different now. I am not just his best friend, I am his f.u.c.king fiance. Lord knows he has no issues with girls flocking to him. My mind is racing in a million directions and my stomach is tied up in knots. The feeling of revenge creeps up my body like a wave of hot lava. I sit on my couch and flip open my laptop. On Google I type, "Jennifer Temple today." There are a gaggle of pictures that pop up. There she is, looking like the complete c.u.n.tbag she is. Happy as can be, in England, smiling for the camera as if she has no worries. The sight of her makes me nauseous. Does she think that she isn't going to pay for what she did? She's gonna pay and payback begins now.

It's beyond me why Tanner doesn't want to file charges but I'm not going to let this evil b.i.t.c.h get away with it for one more second. I pull up my twitter account and without so much as a second thought, I tweet, "When the truth comes out, #JenniferTemple, you'll wish you were dead." I tweet again, "#JenniferTemple, you think I was redneck in Germany? You're fixin to see my true redneck come out soon #rapist" And again, "#JenniferTemple, turn yourself in to the #usapolice now. You are safer in prison, I promise! See you soon." Holy s.h.i.t! I know I am wrong for tweeting this, but I can't just sit by and watch her go on with her life as if she didn't skip a beat. Because of her, I'm not only losing Tanner but I'm losing myself. Right now, I don't even recognize Tanner and marrying him like this...h.e.l.l no.

Fighting off the urge to text Tanner has been a struggle. It's one o'clock in the morning and I am worried sick. This b.i.t.c.h has some serious fans out there. I've received tweet after tweet with threats and accusations of being the jealous ex. Some of the lovely fans have tweeted, "Don't be jealous!" "Stop lying to yourself; she doesn't have to rape a man," These absolutely infuriate me. Her fans sure did tweet me, but she, of course doesn't have the sack to reply. I turn off my notifications and toss my phone on the couch. I know I messed up by tweeting, I just pray Tanner somehow doesn't catch wind of it. The thought of erasing the tweets entered my head as soon as I pushed send but for whatever stupid reason, I didn't remove them. I pull up my account and delete the tweets. She'll get what's coming but not this way. Can't believe I stooped so low. Who the f.u.c.k am I?

I check my phone for the hundredth time and still no missed calls, no texts, and no sign of Tanner. It's now three o'clock in the f.u.c.king morning and no G.o.dd.a.m.n sign. The knot in my stomach is growing bigger as throwing up seems a possibility soon. Enough of this bulls.h.i.t.

I send him a text, "I'm worried about you, are you okay?" I grab my keys and my phone and decide to walk to his apartment to see if he's there. I'd be lying if the thought of walking in and finding him tangled up with some s.k.a.n.ky girl hasn't crossed my mind a hundred times just in this short walk. My fingers are shaking as I insert the key. I step inside and it's complete darkness. I almost tip toe towards his bedroom. Why I'm not sure, but that's how I'm walking. A sigh of both fear and relief exhale from my mouth when I see that he is not here. I check my phone and no reply. My thoughts are out of control now and I can't recall even one time that I have been more upset with him or anybody for that matter. I lock his door and head back to my apartment. As I reach for the door k.n.o.b, out of the corner of my eye, I see a dark figure sitting on a bench by the barbeque area, diagonally from my apartment. It's dark and cold outside, but something is pulling me to believe that the figure is Tan. I get closer and notice that the man has short hair. My shoulders drop and my stomach grows tighter as I turn around.

My heart stops and my feet cease to move when I hear his voice, "Don't leave me Lyrics, please." Slowly I turn around and the only thing familiar is his voice. I sit down next to him and the scent of whiskey permeates the air.

"Where have you been?" I ask him as tears sting my eyes. He just shrugs and shakes his head. Anger rises in me and I grit my teeth as I spew, "I am your f.u.c.king fiance, Tanner. I deserve to know where you have been all night long. I've been worried to death about you. I mean, I didn't know if you were dead on the side of the road, if you decided to split and leave town..."

He says with a cracked voice, "I'm not the person I was before. Dylan, I don't know who I am, but I f.u.c.king hate this guy." No words come out of my mouth. The silence is loud and the tension is thick. Tanner turns his body to face me and says, "You will always be my best friend, Lyrics. This person I've become is no good for you and I can't live with myself if I hurt you anymore." Tears are falling from both of our eyes now. The words get stuck in my throat because he is all I've ever known, the only man I've ever loved.

"What are you saying Tanner? You don't want to be with me anymore?"

He quickly says, "No, that's not it. You are the only girl I've ever loved, the only one. I don't want to be here hurting you and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to f.u.c.king be around anybody anymore. All the questions, the looks of pity...f.u.c.k! You have no idea what being drugged and beaten felt like. Not being able to push her off me, frozen and forced to watch her get off on my paralyzed body. Those f.u.c.king gorillas were filming and taking pictures, and I didn't know if their plan included killing me or not. All that kept running through my head was imagining your face when you opened the package and found those pictures. And tonight, I sat in the parking lot two buildings down, convincing myself why I shouldn't drive away and end the pain for you."

I don't know what to say or think, I can only sit here blank. The mere thought of living without Tanner isn't even imaginable for me. I place my hand on his and his heat sends a wave of electricity through me. I whisper, "Let's go inside, it's freezing."

Chapter 9.

'If I don't know me anymore, how the h.e.l.l could you?'

Tanner The days fly by and I feel as if I'm just getting through them. My brother and his family have been at my parent's house for almost one week and we haven't driven up to see them yet. It's December 23rd and Lyrics and I have barely spoken for the past week. I've found an excuse to get out each day without her, and the s.h.i.tty part is that she stopped questioning me about it. The pain she wears on her face kills me. We haven't had s.e.x in almost two weeks, which is p.i.s.sing her off more than me. I want to touch her and make love to her but when we get close, I pull away, almost as if I'm trying to push her away from me, make her see that I am no longer good for her.

When I got home tonight, she was already in bed. Its 2 a.m., so I guess it makes sense for her to be asleep. As I crawl into bed, her engagement ring is staring at me. I move her hand but the ring still catches my eye. I can't help but feel like a fraud. I'm not the same man I was then. More than anything else, I want to be that same man, the one who could conquer the world, the one that knew there was n.o.body better for Lyrics than me. Now, what can I offer her? All I think about is revenge, it consumes me. What kind of life will that be for her? The thing is that I know she will never leave me. This woman will go through h.e.l.l and back and remain by my side, my biggest advocate. What kind of man would I be to let her though? h.e.l.l, what kind of friend would I be? If she was with somebody else and he treated her this way, I'd make sure she left him.

Lying in bed staring into the nothingness that the ceiling offers allows my thoughts to run rampant. My thoughts keep circling back to leaving without notice. Getting in my car and heading far away without anybody knowing where I'll be. I shake it off because it is selfish and unrealistic, but to me, now...it sure sounds like the right thing for me.

I can't fall asleep. I grab Lyric's song book and a couple of pencils and head out to the couch. As soon as my pencil hit the paper, the words began to flow. Before I know it, two hours pa.s.s by. It's four in the morning and this song is complete. Tears fall down my cheek as I read the song. It's my good-bye song. I didn't set out to write this song, but here it is, and it says I am leaving. I wipe my tears with my sleeve and quietly tear the paper out of her notebook and fold it up small enough to put in my pocket. Sadness and relief fill my emotions. I think I'm really leaving. Leaving not only my best friend, but leaving everything behind. Aside from the Gap gig, Lyrics and I have not been apart for more than one week at a time since we met. I don't even know me anymore, how can I expect her to know me? I know what I should do. It's finding the b.a.l.l.s to do it that I'll struggle with.

In my head, I create a plan for my getaway. We are going to Beaumont tomorrow for Christmas Eve with the family, and if I leave while we are there, I know she will have Mom there for her. These crazy thoughts are too much. I can't imagine being without Lyrics forever, leaving her with a "Dear John."

Soft kisses on my cheek wake me up. Guess I fell asleep out here last night.

Lyrics says, "You fell asleep out here again." I nod with a s.h.i.tty smile. She's trying hard to be perky, and I am all too aware that she is livid. She asks, "Do you have everything ready for Beaumont?"

I shrug my shoulders and say, "Yup, everything but earplugs."

"They love you, Tan, I'm sure they aren't going to load you down with an interrogation."

I smile and say, "Then I have everything I'll need." I can feel my heart thumping so fast and strong as I reach into my pocket and feel the folded-up song. It dawns on me that Tyler's band, Menage, is playing a gig tonight and that he is probably at the bar rehearsing. Not sure why, but I feel like I need to go and talk to him. I tell Lyrics that I'm going to the gas station for a breakfast taco and a coffee.

She shrugs and says, "I'd like to leave around 1 p.m. so we get there by four or five. Don't get lost please." Her sarcasm makes me laugh but as I walk out the door, it becomes hard for me to control my breathing. I know I am leaving soon.

I pull up to the bar and see Tyler's car in the lot. I sit in my truck for a few minutes and think about what the h.e.l.l I'm doing here. As I hop out of my truck, this feeling of righteousness swirls through my body. The right thing to do is leave and give Lyrics a real chance at happiness and love. Leaving is selfless not selfish. I repeat this over and over in my mind. I'm not doing it for me, it's all for her, for Dylan...my Lyrics.

I look at the time and its 11 a.m. The drums are loud enough for me to hear from the parking lot. Man, I love being on that stage singing Lyric's songs, our songs. I take a deep breath and walk inside. Tyler gets up from the stage as if he'd been waiting for me.

He meets me at the bar and asks, "What's up Tanner? What do you want?"

"I love her, man. I'd never done anything to hurt her, ever. I don't know why I'm here...I guess to tell you that I'm sorry for being a d.i.c.k and to ask you a favor." Tyler looks at me like I have some wicked nerve.

"What do you want?"

I wipe the tears from my eyes as I look up at him. "Take care of her. You're a good man, I've always known that. Please take care of her for me."

I stand up to leave and he says, "She won't let you go, Tanner. I've never seen somebody so in love before. Believe me, dude, I've tried hard but my efforts would have been better spent on a brick wall. No man on this earth stands a chance with Dylan but you."

My heart shatters as I say, "She won't have a choice."

Tyler shakes his head and says angrily, "I'd have given anything for her to look at me the way she looks at you."

"You have my blessing. Make her look at you that way. Love her the way she deserves to be loved. I gotta go."

Tyler yells as I'm leaving, "You're f.u.c.king up, man. It doesn't get better than Dylan."

My eyes close and my heart f.u.c.king breaks. Those words are too true to for me to process right now. I know I'm f.u.c.king up. I'm so f.u.c.ked up right now it's ridiculous. Get better than her, never. It's me; she can do better than me and I can't marry her knowing that!

Chapter 10.

'You have leaving written all over your face.'

Lyrics I hear Tanner pull into the parking lot so I gather our things and head out. Right when I approach his truck, he gets out and says, "I'll be right down, just have to grab something."

"Okay, I'll be here." I throw our bags in the back of the truck and hop into the pa.s.senger side. After about five minutes, Tanner comes walking toward the truck. G.o.dd.a.m.n he's beautiful. I haven't told him yet but I love his hair cut. The short hair brings out his face structure and his eyes stand out like caramel colored diamonds.

He hops in, puts his big hand on my thigh, and says, "What's stirring in that beautiful head of yours?"

I smile and say, "I was just admiring how handsome you look."

"So, you do like the haircut?"

"I do." He looks at me and smiles. I ask him what he had to grab, "What?"

"Tanner, you just ran upstairs to grab something, remember?"

"Oh, I was gonna grab a shirt but decided against it." I knew he was lying but really don't want to fight or have the energy to right now.

We've driven this road a thousand times, but this time seems different. The conversation is kept to small talk, which never happens with us. When he cranked the music up, we both just took it in. After about fifteen minutes of silence between us, I hit the power off b.u.t.ton on the radio and say, "So, when do you want to start doing gigs again? I'm ready whenever you are."

"Do we have to talk about this right now?" His response throws me for a whirl.

"We don't have to, I just really want to listen to you sing our songs."

He shrugs his shoulders and snares his lip up a little as he says, "Would you ever consider performing solo, like without me? I'm just saying, you are the real talent here."

"That's a weird question. Solo? I guess I'd continue writing without you, but performing on stage...I don't think so."

"Lyrics, you have an incredible voice and, hands down, you are the best song writer. If for any reason, I'm not here anymore, I want to, no, I need to know that you would continue with your music. After all, you are my Lyrics."

As if my whole world folded up into a big cream pie and came crashing smack dab into my face, he's leaving. I've had the feeling he was going to leave for a few days but pushed it aside thinking I was imagining it. My stomach tightens and tears sting my eyes like somebody poured pickle juice in them. I look at him and say, "You're leaving me." Tanner shakes his head no but no words come out of his mouth and despite his efforts to hide it, I see his eyes well up. I ask, "What did I do to you that you feel you have to leave me?"

His wipes his eyes and pulls onto the side of the highway. Without taking his hands off the steering wheel or looking at me at all, he says, "Dylan, if I were to leave, it would not be at all because of you. It's me, because of me. I'll never meet anybody better than you for me, but it's killing me inside knowing that I am not able to offer you that same thing, anymore. Who I am today is not the best for you. How can I live with myself knowing that I married you even though I knew d.a.m.n well that you deserved a better man? First and foremost, Lyrics, you are my best friend and I owe it to you to make sure that you are with the person that is best for you."

My blood is boiling. I say, "So instead of working through this, you just want to quit? There are groups and counselors that help people that have been raped, even men. You haven't f.u.c.king tried anything at all, nothing. You don't want to report Jennifer, but you want to make it a mission to get revenge on her. Maybe you should hire somebody to f.u.c.king kill that b.i.t.c.h and get it over with. She accomplished exactly what she set out to do to us. Never in a million years would I imagine you and I would not be in each other's lives in one way or another. I'm here for you, Tan. Please don't leave me. I know nothing else but you, loved n.o.body else but you, and called n.o.body besides you my best friend. Talk to me, please."

Tanner turns his stare from the distance to me and does his best to smile. He reaches over and threads his hand in my hair, pulls me to him and softly kisses my forehead and then my lips. He tells me in his most sincere tone, "I didn't say I was leaving. You have my heart forever." Feels like all the blood is rushing out of my body. I didn't say anything because he has leaving written all over his face.

Finally, pulling up to Mom's house, we see the whole family through the living room window. I place my hand on top of Tanner's and say, "This is our family, it'll be great." He forces another smile and nods his head in agreement. The moment we open the door, everybody stops and rushes over to us. We haven't seen Brent in a while and his kids are so big.

"Auntie Dylan, look at what I can do!" I turn to see Tucker juggling two tree ornaments. Tucker is four years old and built like a linebacker. I lift him up and give him a great big hug. Brent's daughter Brooke is in the kitchen with Mom. Brooke is seven years old, long golden locks tied into a ponytail. Mom gives me a great big hug and Brooke joins in.

Mom looks at me and asks, "Have you eaten lately? You look like you've lost ten pounds!"

I shrug and say, "Been a crazy few weeks."

"I know baby, but you're with Mom now. I'm gonna put some meat on those ribs."

I smile, "I've been looking forward to your cooking for days now."

Brooke chimes in and says, "Auntie Dylan, I'm helping Grammie make Christmas Dinner." I can't help but want to squeeze her.

"It'll be extra yummy this year then!"

Tanner walks into the kitchen with Tucker wrapped around his leg and leans in to his mom, "Hi Mom. Wow, it smells delicious in here. Have you guys seen Tucker anywhere?" The kids bust up with laughter, which makes all of us laugh. Brent and his wife Ca.s.sie come in from the yard with both our Dads and Sophia.

Mom says to Tanner, "I really like the new haircut, son, you look so handsome."

Brent comes right in to Tanner for a hug. It's a longer than usual hug and he whispers something in his ear that makes Tanner smirk. It is nice to have us all together, especially right now. Ca.s.sie, Brooke and I stay in the kitchen with Mom and Sophia. Sophia fits right in with our family. I'm so happy for Dad that he found somebody like her.

Sophia asks, "So, anymore wedding plans made?"

I look down and say, "I think we are going to postpone our date. Too much going on right now." I hold back on what I really want to say, which is, "I doubt there's gonna be a wedding at all now."

Sophia says, "That's understandable, considering."

Mom gently pats my back. I force a smile and say, "How about y'all? When are you going to be my stepmother?"

She smiles and says, "We are thinking March 21st, a beautiful spring wedding. Of course, I'm gonna need a couple of special ladies to stand with me. What do you say?"

Both Mom and I say in unison, "Of course, we will stand with you!"

Mom asks me, "So, when are you thinking of postponing until?"

I shrug and say, "I don't know, Mom. Right now, I'll be surprised if it happens at all. Tan has one foot out the door, can't you tell?"

Mom looks down and then back at me and says, "Yeah, I kind of got that feeling too. He's not going anywhere sweetie; just going through a lot of c.r.a.p right now. That boy adores you."

What else could I say but, "Sure hope you're right."