Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 4

[Ill.u.s.tration: A party who is quite in favour of light railways for town and country.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR COUNTRY COUSINS

_The Gushington girls have just arrived by rail, and are inhaling the odours of an average London terminus._

_Miss Milly Gushington._ "Wait a bit, uncle." (_Sniff._) "Oh, isn't it lovely, Hilly? Doesn't it just _smell_ of the season?"

_Miss Hilly Gushington._ "Don't speak about it--only sniff!"]

THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET

(_Railway Edition_)

A is the affable guard whom you square: B is the _Bradshaw_ which leads you to swear: C is the corner you fight to obtain: D is the draught of which others complain: E are the enemies made for the day: F is the frown that you wear all the way: G is the guilt that you feel going third: H is the humbug by which you're deterred: I is the insult you'll get down the line: J is the junction where you'll try to dine: K is the kettle of tea three weeks old: L are the lemon drops better unsold: M is the maiden who says there's no meat: N is the nothing you thus get to eat: O is the oath that you use--and do right: P is the paper to which you _don't_ write: Q are the qualms to directors unknown: R is the row which you'll find all your own: S is the smash that is "n.o.body's fault:"

T is the truth, that will come to a halt: U is the pointsman--who's up the whole night: V is the verdict that says it's "all right."

W stands for wheels flying off curves: X for express that half shatters your nerves: Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling, and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!

[Ill.u.s.tration: STARTLING!

_Constable (to nervous pa.s.senger, arrived by the Ramsgate train)._ "I've got yer"--(_"Ger-acious Heavens!" thinks little Skeery with a thrill of horror. "Takes me for somebody that's 'wanted'!"_)--"a cab, sir."]

"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"

SCENE--_The Charing Cross Station of the District Railway._

_Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous politeness._ If you please, I want a first-cla.s.s ticket to Bayswater.

_Ticket Clerk (abruptly)._ No first-cla.s.s here. Go to the next booking-place.

[_Country Cousin retires rebuffed, and finds his way to next booking-place._

_Country Cousin._ If you please, I want a first-cla.s.s ticket to Bayswater.

_Ticket Clerk (explosively)._ Single or return? Look sharp! You're not the only person in London!

_Country Cousin (humbly)._ Single, please.

[_The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes precipitately down bra.s.s-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be snipped._

_Snipper (inspecting ticket)._ Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just coming in!

[_Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment, hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone, gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket._

_Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely)._ If you please--will the next train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?

_Saturnine Official._ Can't tell you till the train comes.

[_Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along._

_Stentorian voice (without stops)._ Earl's Court North End and Hammersmith train first and second-cla.s.s forward third behind!

[_Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full.

Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-cla.s.s compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on._

_Indignant Official._ Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (_Drags back Country Cousin._) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin to get in there for?

[_Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by recent struggle and resumes his agitated march._

_Enter another train more madly than the first._

_Stentorian voice._ High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and Bayswater train main line train!

_Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty)._ Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?

_Haughty Official._ Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a minute.

[_Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station._

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHEN IN DOUBT--DON'T!

SCENE--_Country Station_

_Gent._ "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"

_Country Youth._ "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a fortnight!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DILEMMA

_Station-Master._ "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are you----"

_Overdriven Porter._ "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna ken fa the're gaen tae!"]