Mr. Punch's Railway Book Part 3

_Elderly Female._ "Yus, ain't it? My Bill's a-drivin' of the ingin, an'

'e _can_ make 'er go when 'e's got a drop o' drink in 'im!"]

THE ORIGIN OF RAILWAYS.--The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest.

RAILWAY NEWS.--There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the safety of her luggage.

"RAILWAY COUPLING."--When the porter marries the young lady in the refreshment department.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FIRST "BRADSHAW"

A reminiscence of Whitsun Holidays in Ancient Egypt. From an old-time tabl(e)ature]

RAILWAY REFORM.--Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a certain age.

As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers,"

the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as Hampton Wick.

The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers."

Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.

It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the abolition of the Second Cla.s.s, the motto of the Company will be "No Returns."

A PLUTOCRAT.--_Swell._ "'Dyou oblige me--ah--by shutting your window?--ah----"

_Second Pa.s.senger (politely)._ "Really, sir, if you will not press it, as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You seem to take great care of yourself, sir----"

_Swell._ "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"

THE SLOW TRAIN

On Southern lines the trains which crawl Deliberately to and fro Make life a burden; of them all This is the slowest of the slow.

Impatiently condemned to bear What is indeed an awful bore, I've seemed to be imprisoned there Three days, or more.

The angry pa.s.sengers complain; Of new electric cabs they talk.

They sit and swear at such a train, And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"

It's true the time seems extra long When spent in such a wretched way, My calculation may be wrong-- Three hours, say.

The other day I had to come By this slow train, but facing me Was no old buffer, dull and dumb; I chatted with my vis-a-vis.

A pretty smile, a pretty dress, Gay spirits no fatigue could crush; With her it was a quick express, Three minutes' rush.

For once I sadly left the train, For once the time too quickly pa.s.sed.

I still could angrily complain, Why travel so absurdly fast?

At lightning speed that special went (I'd paid the ordinary fare), Now looking back it seems we spent Three seconds there.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A BANK HOLIDAY SKETCH

_Facetious Individual (from carriage window)._ "Change 'ere, 'ave we?

Then kindly oblige me with a sardine-opener!"]

WEDNESBURY STATION.--_First Collier._ "Trains leave for Birmingham, 10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."

_Second Collier._ "What's p.m.?"

_First Do._ "A penny a mile, to be sure."

_Second Do._ "Then, what's a.m.?"

_First Do._ "Why, that must be a a'penny a mile."

[Ill.u.s.tration: RAILWAY LUXURIES

_Excursionist._ "I say--'ere! This water's full o'crumbs!"

_Aquarius._ "That ain't crumbs! That's only the sawdust off the hice!"]

RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS

_'Traction Engines._--Too many Girls of the Period.

_Truck-Trains._--Most marriage processions at St. George's, Hanover Square.

_Continuous Brakes._--The results of lodging house attendance.

_Changing Lines._--What we often see after the honeymoon.

_Shunted on to a Siding._--Paterfamilias when Baby appears.