Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 33

_Conrad's M._ Would, Conrad, that you were of riper years, So you might share your Mother's joy to-day, The day that crowns her long and arduous toil As one of London's County Councillors!

_Conrad._ Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature, One topic still can charm my infant ear, That ever craves the oft-repeated tale.

I love to hear of that august a.s.sembly

[_His Mother lifts her bonnet solemnly._

In which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!

_C.'s M._ (_gratified_). Learn, Conrad, then, that, after many months Of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?) The measure by my foresight introduced Has triumphed by a bare majority!

_Con._ My bosom thrills with dutiful delight-- Although I yet for information wait As to the scope and purpose of the statute.

_C.'s M._ You show an interest so intelligent That well deserves it should be satisfied, Be seated, Conrad, at your Mother's knee, And you shall hear the full particulars.

You know how zealously I advocate The sacred cause of Nursery Reform?

How through my efforts every infant's toys Are carefully inspected once a month----?

_Con._ (_wearily_). Nay, Mother, you forget--I _have_ no toys.

_C.'s M._ Which brings you under the exemption clause.

But--to resume; how Nursery Songs and Tales Must now be duly licensed by our Censor, And any deviation from the text Forbidden under heavy penalties?

All that you know. Well; with concern of late, I have remarked among our infancy The rapid increase of a baneful habit On which I scarce can bring my tongue to dwell.

[_The Stage darker; blind at back illuminated._

Oh, Conrad, there are children--think of it!-- So lost to every sense of decency That, in mere wantonness or brainless sloth, They obstinately suck forbidden thumbs!

[CONRAD _starts with irrepressible emotion._

Forgive me if I shock your innocence!

(_Sadly._) Such things exist--but soon shall cease to be, Thanks to the measure we have pa.s.sed to-day!

_Con._ (_with growing uneasiness_). But how can statutes check such practices?

_C.'s M._ (_patting his head_). Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come to that.

Some timid sentimentalists advised Compulsory restraint in woollen gloves, Or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes.

_I_ saw the evil had too deep a seat To yield to such half-hearted remedies.

No; we must cut, ere we could hope to cure!

Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill appoints A new official, by the style and t.i.tle Of "London County Council Scissorman,"

For the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."

[_Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears appears upon the blind._

_Con._ (_hiding his face in his Mother's lap._) Ah, Mother, see!... the scissors!... On the blind!

_C.'s M._ Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear.

The shadow of his grim insignia Should have no terror--save for thumb-suckers.

_Con._ And what for _them_?

_C.'s M._ (_complacently_). A doom devised by me-- The confiscation of the culprit thumbs.

Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects, For those who have no thumbs can err no more.

[_The shadow slowly pa.s.ses on the blind_, CONRAD _appearing relieved at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet._

_C.'s M._ Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?

_A Voice._ Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!

_C.'s M._ 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, Who doubtless calls to thank me for the post.

_Con._ (_with a gloomy determination_). More like his business, Madam, is with--Me!

_C.'s M._ (_suddenly enlightened_). A Suck-a-thumb? ... you, CONRAD?

_C._ (_desperately_). Ay,--from birth!

[_Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking is renewed._

_C.'s M._ Oh, this is horrible--it must not be!

I'll shoot the bolt and barricade the door.

[CONRAD _places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone of incisive irony_.

_Con._ Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late?

Is't thus that you the Roman Matron play?

Trick not a statute of your own devising.

Come, your official's waiting--let him in!

[C's M. _shrinks back appalled_.

So? you refuse!--(_throwing open door_)--then--enter, Scissorman!

[_Enter the_ Scissorman, _masked and in red tights, with his hand upon the hilt of his shears._

_The S._ (_in a pa.s.sionless tone_). Though sorry to create unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman, Which these own eyes have marked between his lips.

_C.'s M._ (_frantically_). Thou minion of a meddling tyranny, Go exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!

_The S._ (_civilly_). I've duties here that must be first performed.

_C.'s M._ (_wildly_). Take my two thumbs for his!

_The S._ 'Tis not the law-- Which is a model of lucidity.

_Con._ (_calmly_). Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited, And they alone must pay the penalty.

_The S._ (_with approval_). Right! Step with me into the outer hall, And have the business done without delay.