Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour - novelonlinefull.com
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SONG OF THE c.o.c.kNEY SPORTSMAN
How happy could I be in heather, At the grouse gaily blazing away!
But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather, So 'tis better at Brighton to stay.
PRO BONO.--There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is the c.o.c.kney's prime aversion--the h-bone.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A MODEL MODEL.
(_The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio._) "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?"
"From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men."
"He must find you a very useful person."
"Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. All _he's_ got to do is just to _shove 'em on!_"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tripper._ "'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o'
that bob I gave yer?"
_Bystander._ "Don't worry about it, c.o.c.ky; ain't you got the bloomin'
'oss as security!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Holiday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)._ "Excuse me, sir, but can you see anything wrong with the 'arness of this 'ere 'orse?"]
SPORTSMEN AT SEA.
_(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot)._ I say, 'Arry, wot bird 's this 'ere?
_'Arry._ A auk, I should say.
_Tom._ What yer calls a sparrerawk?
_'Arry._ No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.
A c.o.c.kNEY'S EPITAPH
THINK! "From the cradle to the grave!" my brother, A nurse takes you from one, an 'ea.r.s.e to t'other.
A VULGAR ERROR.--Misplacing the haspirate.
A CHEVALIERESQUE CONUNDRUM.--_Coster Bill (to 'Arriet)._ I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?
_'Arriet._ Oh, g'long! Give't up.
_Coster Bill._ Why, when 'es a _witin'_ round the corner.
[Short encounter, and exeunt severally.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A CAPITAL ANSWER.
_"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)._ "Now, boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"
_Boy._ "An 'H,' sir."]
DISCOVERED IN DRURY LANE
(_Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council._)
I 'old it true wote'er befall, I feel it when things go most cross, Better do a fi'penny doss, Than never do a doss at all!
UNIVERSITY SYMPATHY.
_First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race)._ Wot 'ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer b.u.t.ton 'ole for, Tommy?
_Second E. B. (promptly)._ 'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!
A MATTER OF TASTE.
_Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house)._ "Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"
_Artistic Decorator._ "Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin (_Gobelin_)."
