Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories - novelonlinefull.com
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_Old Party_ (_very naturally excited_). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"
_Waiter_ (_blandly_). "It's of no consequence, sir--it's only a dirty one!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS
_Jones_ (_blue ribbon--to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner_).
"Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a _bit_! Either you must have a gla.s.s of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
_Guest_ (_who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't_). "You must come and dine with _me_, Jones!"
_Host._ "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"
[Ill.u.s.tration: "NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"
_British Farmer._ "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"
_Waiter._ "Grew-yere, sir."
_British Farmer_ (_suspiciously_). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"]