Mr. Punch On Tour Part 5

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"]

TO ABSENT FRIENDS.

(_By a Fox without a Tail._)

Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more, Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt sh.o.r.e, You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay, Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.

While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week, And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek, Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks, As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.

Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample s.p.a.ce, Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place: The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch, And no one spoils our appet.i.te with--"After you with _Punch_!"

The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still, The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will; No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown, But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.

Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones), So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack, I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRIPPERS

_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day daddy?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the hotel, holding on to k.n.o.bs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or plain?"]

When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?

[Ill.u.s.tration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY

_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger."

_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in de shdomag!"]

CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual.

AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?

_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?

_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for s.e.xtons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers; _Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires; _Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.

CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!

[Ill.u.s.tration: SNUB FOR A Sn.o.b

_English Tourist._ "Aw--that b.u.t.termilk was very nice, my dear. What payment do you expect for it?"

_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_ it to the pigs!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY

(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)

"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]

_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_).

What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?

_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.

_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"

_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'

or something like that."

_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and thinking I've been swearing in French!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH

The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]