Mr. Punch in the Highlands Part 15

_Tonal._ "Whar'll ye hae been till, Tugal?"

_Tugal._ "At ta McTavishes' funeral----"

_Tonal._ "An' is ta Tavish deed?"

_Tugal._ "Deed is he!!"

_Tonal._ "Losh, mon! Fowk are aye deein' noo that never used to dee afore!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PRECAUTIONS

_Saxon Angler (to his keeper)._ "You seem in a great hurry with your clip! I haven't seen a sign of a fish yet--not a rise!"

_Duncan._ "'Deed, sir, I wisna a botherin' mysel' aboot the fush; but seein' you wis new to the business, I had a thocht it widna be lang afore you were needin' a left oot o' the watter yoursel'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HIS POUND OF FLESH

_Financier (tenant of our forest, after a week's unsuccessful stalking)._ "Now, look here, my man. I bought and paid for ten stags. If the brutes can't be shot, you'll have to trap them! I've promised the venison, and I mean to have it!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCRUPULOUS

_Shepherd._ "O, Jims, mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha ram'lin' brute o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just fast-day in oor parish!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE LAND OF LORN"

_It has drizzled incessantly, for a fortnight, since the Smiths came down to their charming villa at Braebogie, in Argyleshire._

_Keeper (who has come up to say the boat is ready on the loch, if "they're for fushin' the day")._ "Eh! I should na wonder if this weather tur-rns ta rain!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LOCAL

SUNDAY MORNING

_Tourist (staying at the Glenmulctem Hotel--dubiously)._ "Can I--ah--have a boat?"

_Boatman._ "Oo--aye!"

_Tourist._ "But I thought you--ah--never broke the--aw--Sabbath in Scotland?"

_Boatman._ "Aweel, ye ken the Sawbath disna' come doon to the loch--it just staps at the hottle!"]

EN eCOSSE (ENCORE)

_a Monsieur Punch_

DEAR MISTER,--I have spoken you of my departure from Calendar on the _breack_. Eh, well, he rained not of the whole of the whole--_du tout du tout! Il faisait un temps superbe_--he was making a superb time, the route was well agreeable, and the voyage lasted but two hours, and not twelve. What droll of idea! In Scottish _twa_ is two, not twelve. I was so content to arrive so quick, and without to be wetted that I gave the coacher a good to-drink--_un bon pourboire_--though before to start all the voyagers had paid him a "tipp", that which he called a "driver's fee." Again what droll of idea! To give the to-drink before to start, and each one the same--six pennys.

My friend encountered me and conducted me to his house, where I have pa.s.sed fifteen days, a sojourn of the most agreeables. And all the time almost not one sole drop of rain! _J'avais beau_--I had fine--to buy all my impermeable vestments, I carry them never. One sole umbrella suffices me, and I open him but two times. And yet one says that the Scotland is a rainy country. It is perhaps a season _tout a fait_--all to fact--exceptional. But fifteen days almost without rain! One would believe himself at the border of the Mediterranean, absolutely at the South. And I have eaten of the "porridg", me Auguste! _Partout_ I essay the dish of the country. I take at first a spoonful pure and simple. _Oh la, la!_ My friend offers me of the cream. It is well. Also of the salt.

_Quelle idee!_ But no, before me I perceive a dish of _confiture_, that which the Scottish call "marmaladde." _A la bonne heure!_ With some marmaladde, some cream, and much of sugar, I find that the "porridg" is enough well, for I taste him no more.

One day we make an ascension, and we see many grouses. Only we can not to shoot, for it is not yet the season of the huntings. It is but a hill that we mount. The name appears me to be french, but bad written. "Ben Venue", that is to say, "_Bienvenu_"--_soyez le bienvenu_. She is one of the first of the Scottish hills, and she says "welcome" in french. It is a pretty idea, and a politeness very amiable towards my country. I salute the hospitable Scotland and I thank her. It is a great country, of brave men, of charming women--ah, I recall to myself some eyes so beautiful, some forms so attracting!--of ravishing landscapes, and, at that epoch there, of a climate so delicious. She has one sole and one great defect. The best Scottish hotels cost very dear, and, my faith, the two or three that I visited are not great thing like comfortable--_ne sont pas grand'chose comme comfortable!_

One day we make a little excursion on the Lake of Lomond. The lake is well beautiful, and the steamboat is excellent. But in one certain hotel, in descending from a _breack_, and before to embark, we take the "lunch." We bargain not, we ask not even the price, we eat at the _table d'hote_ like all the world in Swiss, in France, even in Germany, when there is but one half hour before the departure of the train or of the boat. _Oh la, la!_ I have eaten in the spanish hotels, on the steamboats of the italian lakes, even in the _restaurants--mon Dieu!_--of the english railways, but never, never--_au grand jamais_--have I eaten a _dejeuner_ like that! One dish I shall forget never; some exterior green leaves of lettuce, without oil or vinegar, which they called a "salad."

_Parbleu_--by blue! In all the history of the world there has been but one man who would have could to eat her with pleasure--Nabuchodonosor!

Agree, &c.,

AUGUSTE.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "CANNY"

_Sister._ "Why, Charles, you've got raw whiskey here!"

_Charles._ "Well, it's hardly worth while to bring water. We can always find that as we go along--when we want it."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUTIOUS

_Visitor (at out-of-the-way inn in the North)._ "Do you know anything about salmon-poaching in this neighbourhood?"

_Landlady (whose son is not above suspicion)._--"Eh--no, sir. Maybe it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DECIDED OPINION

_Proprietor of shootings ("in the course of conversation")._ "Yes, but you know, Sandy, it's difficult to choose between the Scylla of a shy tenant, and the Charybdis of----"

_Sandy (promptly)._ "Aweel! Gie me the siller, an' anybuddy that likes may hae the t.i.ther!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Chappie (after missing his fourth stag, explains)._ "Aw--fact is, the--aw--waving gra.s.s was in my way."