Mr. Punch in Bohemia Part 20

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HEART DISEASE. An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method: On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered, and will a.s.sure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead.

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UNPOPULAR GAME AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"High-sky-high!"

A ROUGH WINE.--Rude-sheimer.

NERVOUS.--Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her.

MOTTO FOR A MODEL MUSIC-HALL ENTERTAINMENT.--"Everything in its 'turn'

and nothing long."

[Ill.u.s.tration: BREAKING IT GENTLY.--_His Cousins._ "We sent off the wire to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many--so we struck it out."

_Real Artist._ "Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"

_His Cousins._ "You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out '_to-day_.'"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE STATE OF THE MARKET.--_Artist_ (_to customer_, _who has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court Road_): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"

_Customer_: "H'm--'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very little demand for _green_ goods just now. If you had a line of _autumn tints_ now--that's the article we find most sale for among our customers!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Our Amateur Romeo_ (_who has taken a cottage in the country, so as to be able to study without interruption_). "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon----"

_Owner of rubicund countenance_ (_popping head over the hedge_), "Beg pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BITTERS AT THE CLUB

_MacStodge_ (_Pictor ignotus_). "Who's that going out?"

_O'Duffer_ (_Pictor ignotissimus_). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who painted Lady Midas!"

_MacStodge._ "Oh, the artist!"

_O'Duffer._ "No. _The Royal Academician!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LA VIE DE BOHeME.--_First Bohemian_ (_to second ditto_).

"I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap, you won't be able to pay him at all."

_Second Bohemian._ "Ah, that's _it_! _I_ have a conscience. I want the poor chap to lose as little as possible!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to posing_). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Genial Doctor_ (_after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient's_). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter with _you_!

Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a joke!"

_Irrepressible Patient._ "Why, of course I should. It would be my last chance!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _She_ (_to Raphael Greene_, _who paints gems for the R.A.

that are never accepted_). "I _do_ hope you'll be hung this year. I'm sure you deserve to be!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ART INTELLIGENCE

_She_ (_reads_). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and sculptors now in Rome----"

_He_ (_British Philistine--served on a late celebrated jury!_). "Ah! no wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Devoted little wife_ (_to hubbie, who has been late at the club_). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on toast--tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"

_Victim of last night_ (_groans_). "Yes--an appet.i.te!" [_Collapses._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER FEEDING-TIME.--_Showman of Travelling Menagerie._ "Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the 'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage, dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"]

TO BILLIARD PLAYERS.--If you would obey the _rules_ of billiards, always attend to the _cannons_ of the game.