Mr. Punch at the Play Part 9

Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers That others give? Who jeers and sneers At all he sees and all he hears?

The Deadhead.

Who loudly, as the drama's plot Unfolds, declares the tale a lot Of balderdash and tommy-rot?

The Deadhead.

Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?

Who fault with all the scenery finds?

Who with disgust his molars grinds?

The Deadhead.

Who spreads dissatisfaction wide 'Mongst those who else with all they spied Had been extremely satisfied?

The Deadhead.

Who runs us down for many a day, And keeps no end of folks away That else would for admittance pay?

The Deadhead.

Who keeps his reputation still, For recompensing good with ill With more than pandemonium's skill?

The Deadhead.

Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom In all its blackness o'er me loom?

Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?

The Deadhead.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON.--_Mrs. Harris._ "Yes, William, I've thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and d.i.c.key-bird, and so I'm going!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A five bar rest]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "Young man, I hear that you propose to essay the _role_ of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to do it?" _Prosperous London ditto._ "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on to it." _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "H'm. They egged _me OFF_!"]

LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME

(_By an Intelligent Schoolboy_)

That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.

That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend much of their time in break-downs.

That the chief amus.e.m.e.nt in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a distressingly long time.

That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their tongues, than clothes to their backs.

That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they dance so much in the sunlight.

That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient protection from the showers that must be required to produce the gigantic and highly-coloured fairy _flora_.

That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events) must take in the daily papers.

That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but nothing seems to come of it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in short, what he's at altogether.

That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see why they don't catch her.

That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.

That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts, b.u.t.ter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the whole is lucky to escape hanging.

That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked head-over-heels.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE NEW PLAY

_Low Comedian._ "Have you seen the notice?"

_Tragedian._ "No; is it a good one?"

_Low Comedian._ "It's a fortnight's."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TERRIFIC SITUATION!

Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!]

APPRECIATIVE!

_The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry)._ I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance of _Scenes from Shakspeare_.

_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"--and the grand lady, mum----

_Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly)._ You mean "Hamlet" and his mother--the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?

_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for many a long day.

[_Exit_ Miss B., _thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown away on this yokality_.]