Mr. Punch at the Play Part 8

[Ill.u.s.tration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR.--_Billy Wapshot._ "I say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of _Sir Guy Earliswoodde_, an awful a.s.s that everyone keeps laughing at! How the d.i.c.kens am I to act such a beastly part as that?--and how am I to dress for it, I should like to know?" _Brown (stage manager)._ "My dear fellow, dress _just as you are!_--and as for acting, _be as natural as you possibly can!_ It will be an immense success!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE JEUNE PREMIER.--"_What_, Eleanor? You know _Sir Lionel Wildrake_, the handsomest, wittiest, most dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes----"

[_Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake_.

There is a blessing on peacemakers--is there one on playwrights?

THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French crib.

A COURT THEATRE TICKET.--The order of the garter available only at Windsor as an order for the stalls.

NEW NAME FOR A THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR LESS UNINTELLIGIBLE.--"The Mumbles."

[Ill.u.s.tration: Music by handle.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM

"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I--a--_think_ I may flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"

"I admit that to be the case just _at present_--but the social position of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day _may_ come when even the leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a _Bishop_, let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of the--a--House of Beaumanoir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TURNING A PHRASE.--_Dramatic Author._ "What the deuce do you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's shameful!" _Dramatic Critic._ "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old man--you'll see how pleased I was, _if you'll only read between the lines!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE--_A Booth in the Wild West_

_The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the Pacific."_

_Author._ "What is the audience shouting for?"

_Manager._ "They're calling for the author."

_Author._ "Then hadn't I better appear?"

_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever"

_First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at our entrance."

_Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _ba.s.s_ door!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._ "I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address _Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A Disenchantment

_Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._ "_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had always imagined!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "JUST HINT A FAULT"

_Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_

_Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people behind, you know?"]

THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER

Who gets, by hook or crook, from me Admittance free, though well knows he That myriads turned away will be?

The Deadhead.

Who, while he for his programme pays The smallest silver coin, inveighs Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?

The Deadhead.

Who to his neighbour spins harangues, On how he views with grievous pangs The dust that on our hangings hangs?

The Deadhead.

Who, in a voice which rings afar, Declares, while standing at the bar, Our drinks most deleterious are?

The Deadhead.