Mother's Remedies Part 184

Preparing for Company.--An expected guest should always be met at the station by some member of the family. The guest room should be in readiness, closet and bureau drawers vacated for her use. The bed should be freshly made up, the bedding having been properly aired. It would seem that no one would offer a visitor a bed that has not been changed and aired after having been slept in, yet guests, exchanging experiences, acknowledge it has been done--let us hope through inadvertence, though it is really inexcusable.

There should be plenty of fresh towels and water; a fresh cake of soap, a candlestick and matches, and a waste paper basket. On the dressing-bureau there should be a spotless spread, a pincushion well stocked with pins, hand mirror, comb and brush. The guest will bring her own, but may need to use these before her luggage arrives. The brush and comb should have been washed after a previous using.

A lounge, preferably placed at the foot of the bed if there is room; a light quilt or blanket for use upon it; an easy chair, and a clock in good working order are desirable furnishings. Writing materials should be provided. Some careful and painstaking hostesses include a small writing desk, well stocked with paper, pens and ink, postage stamps, even picture postal cards already stamped and ready to be addressed. A new magazine and a few books, and a little basket containing thimble, needles, scissors and several spools of cotton complete the conveniences arranged for the guest.

A potted plant, or a few flowers in a vase, give a personal touch that bespeaks the hostess's solicitude for the pleasure of her friend.

There is no more delicious flattery than that of having one's personal tastes remembered and recognized.

The Visitor's Entertainment.--The entertainment of a guest is, of course, dependent on the hostess's means, mode of life, social standing, the season of the year, and whether one lives in town or in the country.

She will ask some of her friends to call on her guest; she will give a little entertainment for her, at cards, or a tea, or a reception, according to circ.u.mstances. No doubt her friends will include her visitor in their invitations during her stay. She will take her friend to see the sights of her home city if she is a stranger; she may give a theatre party, or at least take her friend several times. She will pay her guest's carfare, unless the other antic.i.p.ates her, and pay for the theatre tickets. It will be perfectly correct for the guest to "stand treat" by inviting her host and hostess to accompany her to concert or play, paying for the seats herself.

The Hostess's Invitations.--It often happens that a hostess has invitations not extended to her visitor. She may have accepted; before her guest's arrival, an invitation to dinner, card party or luncheon. In neither of these may she ask to have her guests included. They are formal functions for which arrangements are made long in advance. She may say to an intimate friend who is giving a musical or an "At home" or any informal affair, that she has a visitor staying with her, and the friend will no doubt extend an invitation to the latter. It is proper for host and hostess to accept invitations in which a guest is not included if they make some provision for her pleasure during their absence.

She may be asked to invite some friend to dine with her, or someone provided to take her to the theatre. Nor has she a right to feel affronted at being left at home.

One thing must be carefully avoided, the hostess must not let her guest feel, for one moment, that she is the cause of inconvenience or trouble.

Even if she is, the fact must be sedulously concealed. Bear with the annoyance until the visit ceases; then do not invite her again. It is the hostess's privilege to invite; having invited she must not allow her equanimity to be disturbed.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 715]

THE OBLIGATIONS OF A GUEST.

If it is the duty of the hostess to be attentive to the comfort of her guest, there is quite as much obligation resting on the guest to show a disposition to be pleased and to make herself agreeable. Some women--young girls more particularly--seem to think too much cannot be done for their entertainment. They make themselves burdensome by their wish to have "something doing" all the time. The visitor who conveys the impression that she is neglected unless some festivity is in the immediate future easily becomes tiresome.

The guest should accommodate herself to the ways of the family. Especially should she be punctual at meals and ready on time when going out with her friends. Her host may acquire a dislike to her if she keeps him waiting.

She should always be neatly dressed, never appearing at the breakfast table in kimona or dressing-jacket if men will be present. She should respect the privileges of the host, not occupying his easy chair, appropriating the newspaper or the best position round the lamp. She should give as little trouble as possible and be especially careful about scattering her belongings about the house. This particularly applies to young girls, who are apt to be careless in this respect. It annoys a hostess to find Missy's rubbers kicked off in the hall, her hat on the piano, and a half eaten box of candy on the parlor sofa.

About Being Thoughtful.--She should be careful to avoid injury to any of her hostess' pretty things or her furnishings. The story is told of a girl who, conducted to her hostess's beautiful guest room, furnished with the utmost daintiness in white, threw her umbrella and dusty coat on the spotless counterpane, exclaiming: "What a lovely room!" It was not lovely when she left it. The wall was defaced by marks made by scratching matches; the bureau scarf was blackened by the curling-iron; there were ink spots on the hemst.i.tched sheets where she had written letters in bed, and something that would not come out was spilled on the table cover. It does not show that you are accustomed to nice things to be so negligent and careless; it shows you are not accustomed to them and do not know how to treat them; and it makes you a visitor the hostess is glad to get rid of, and never invites again.

[716 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The guest, young or old, should take herself out of the way part of the time; she shouldn't be always in evidence. Let her go to her own room and write letters, read, or take her work out of doors; in other words, show an ability to entertain herself which releases her hostess from that responsibility for the time being. This is much better than having one's friend in one's constant presence.

Outside Acquaintance.--If one is staying with a friend and has other acquaintances in the same place she will naturally expect them to call on her. If her callers are strangers to her hostess, they should ask for her.

The hostess may see them or ask to be excused with equal propriety. The guest is at liberty to accept outside invitations which do not include her hostess, but should always consult her in reference to them. She has no right to invite any of her friends to a meal without first mentioning her wish to her hostess and securing a cordial acquiescence. She must not make a convenience of her friend's house, and if a girl or young woman, she must not receive there any man or woman of whom her parents disapprove.

This is disloyal to them, and an imposition upon her hostess.

Other Points to Observe.--If a visitor can play, sing, recite, tell stories, or in any way contribute to the pleasure of her friends or other guests, she should comply cheerfully with requests that she do so. On the other hand, she should not monopolize the piano. She should enter readily into any plans proposed for her entertainment; even though they may not be especially agreeable, she should subscribe to the kindly intent.

The question as to how much a.s.sistance the visitor should volunteer in case her hostess keeps but one servant, or does her own work, is dependent upon circ.u.mstances. She certainly shouldn't follow her hostess all over the house with offers of help: "Can't I do this?" "Shan't I do that?" Let her quickly and unostentatiously render such small services as are helpful without being obtrusive. She may care for her own room; she may fill the vases with flowers; she may tell stories to the children or take them for a walk, but she must carefully respect the hostess's privacy and not intrude in the rear regions where the domestic rites are performed, without her hostess's permission. And whatever aid she renders she should give according to her hostess's method, not her own.

A visitor should carefully avoid any comment on the cook's failures, should such occur; she must not criticise the children's manners: nor reprove them; nor should she criticise the chance caller or visitor, who is a friend of her hostess, but not of her acquaintance. Above all she must avoid comparisons. If she has been visiting more wealthy people it is not good form to wax eloquent over the elegance of their establishment or their more expensive mode of entertaining.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 717]

Concerning Departure.--If there has been no time named as the length of her visit, she should take an early opportunity to mention now long she will remain "if perfectly convenient." And it is almost invariably a mistake to remain beyond the date named. Better go, and have your departure regretted, than linger to find the later days give a flat ending and you and your hostess alike relieved at parting.

It is customary, on leaving, to give a small fee to the maid who has cared for one's room, and to the waitress, if one is employed. Anyone who has rendered personal service is generally remembered. A dollar is usually given at the close of a week's visit: something depends upon the style of the household. Men generally tip the chauffeur.

After having been received as a guest in a family it is the height of incivility and bad manners to criticise their mode of living, discuss the peculiarities of any member, or make unkind remarks in reference to a slight, real or fancied, or any negligence or oversight. Having eaten your hostess's salt, there is an obligation of silence imposed, unless one can speak in terms of praise.

At Home Again.--Immediately after one's return home it is obligatory to write what is sometimes called "the bread-and-b.u.t.ter letter"--that in which one expresses her pleasure in the visit and her appreciation of the hospitality received. A serviceable form for this follows:

My Dear Mrs. Blank: I wish to tell you at once how much I enjoyed my visit to your charming home and how truly I appreciate all you did to make my stay so pleasant. I shall always remember my good times with you, and especially that most delightful picnic to Ferndale.

With kind remembrances to Mr. Blank and to Lois, who helped so much to make me happy, believe me, Yours most sincerely, Mary Annesley.

This recognition of hospitality enjoyed must on no account be omitted.

VISITING ETIQUETTE FOR GIRLS.

The best personal a.s.set a girl can have is "nice manners;" they will contribute more to her lasting popularity than beauty or wealth. Girls sometimes wonder how it happens that a girl they have regarded as "too homely" to be accounted dangerous, still carries off the matrimonial prize of "her set." Ten chances to one it is because she has that charm of manner that makes a man overlook her physical deficiencies. Her manners, in such case, are the spontaneous expression of a kind and generous disposition, aided, of course, by a familiarity with the social code that prevents awkwardness. She has ease, and that puts others at their ease; she is companionable; and not being engrossed by her own good looks, she has had time to cultivate the intellectual graces.

[718 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Nothing is more becoming to a young girl than respect and deference to her elders. If for no other reason than that it gives observers an unfavorable opinion of her manners, she should avoid any disrespect or rudeness toward her parents or older sisters. The young girl is often negligent in this respect. Her own ego is exaggerated, owing to her youth and inexperience; she thinks

"What there is to know, I know it; What I don't know isn't knowledge;"

and is much inclined to dub her own mother "old-fashioned." So she contradicts her, precedes her in entering a room, takes the easiest chair, monopolizes the conversation, and in other disrespectful ways endeavors to a.s.sert her own importance. Instead of crediting her with more social experience, bystanders consider her a very crude and untrained young person.

Deference to Age.--One reason why convent training is so highly esteemed in our best circles is because girls are taught such beautiful manners. No convent-bred girl would think of showing the slightest disrespect to an older person. They are taught all the little matters of etiquette that contribute to gentle and refined manners. A lady staying at a large summer hotel noted the charming manners of a young Southern girl, especially in regard to the unfailing deference paid to her mother and aunt. She rose when they addressed her and remained standing during the conversation.

When the aunt came to the breakfast table the girl rose, standing until the elder lady was seated; if her mother entered one of the reception rooms she excused herself if conversing and advanced to meet her, finding a seat for her and perhaps asking permission to introduce an acquaintance.

And it was all done so easily, so naturally, that it was plainly seen there was no affectation, but the unstudied courtesy due to good-breeding.

On the other hand, girls who undertake to show their respect for their seniors sometimes overdo the matter. No elderly person likes to be "fussed over." She doesn't want someone continually thrusting a cushion behind her shoulders or insisting on providing a foot-stool. The unwelcome service provokes a little resentment. One must have an intuitive sense of what to do and when to do it, and tact enough to perform a trifling service without the appearance of saying "See me! how polite I am!" As young men should rise when an elderly woman enters the room, so a young girl may pay the same pretty deference to her mother or an acquaintance. She should be careful not to take precedence of older women, not to interrupt them when speaking, and to render any small service un.o.btrusively.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 719]

THE YOUNG GIRL'S SOCIAL AFFAIRS.

There is no special code of etiquette for girls. Why should they be trained in one code, only to discard it for another when they enter society? Their etiquette is simply more informal. Until they are "out,"

they do not give formal invitations. Their functions are chiefly luncheons, invitations being given by telephone or personal notes, and the menu more simple. They may give theatre parties, but never without a chaperon. They do not invite young men to call on them; that is their mother's duty. They do not send written invitations to young men; these are in the mother's name. Thus:

My Dear Mr. Smith: My mother wishes me to say that it will give her much pleasure if you will spend Friday evening, March tenth, with us, quite informally. We hope to see you at eight o' clock.

Yours sincerely, Mary Gray.

Such an invitation presupposes the presence of other guests. If for cards, or music or games, mention may be made of the proposed entertainment.