More Toasts Part 156

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one."

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son."

During a munic.i.p.al campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in one morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that took place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may I not?"

"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact is, I have promised my support to the other candidate."

The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, promising and performing are two different things."

"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to give you my promise, sir."

STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city inst.i.tutions conducted?"

CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without any George."--_Puck_.

POSTAL SERVICE

WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message to Garcia?"

GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, it was the only way he could get it to him."

COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for a week, and haven't received it yet."

POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state the nature of your complaint."

LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion."

Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter she gets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy." She declares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if they don't stop she'll have the law on them.

DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusually quick time. How do you account for it?"

MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb, sir."-_Judge_.

FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but not read,' that you used to use on your letters?"

DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but not delivered.'"

POVERTY

Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylactic rather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a cla.s.s by himself.

His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in big doses.

Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. n.o.body else cuts out so many things that are not good for us.

In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in charge of a case no other pract.i.tioner is apt to interfere.

We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it not that the world treats it so much as a crime.--_Boree_.

Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet.--_Pericles_.

Want is a bitter and a hateful good, Because its virtues are not understood; Yet many things, impossible to thought, Have been by need to full perfection brought.

--_Dryden_.

Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pa.s.s upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."

PRAISE

The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility.

A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, who has been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily:

"People will praise my work after I am dead."

"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right, but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for a little praise?"

"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises."

"And what's that?"