More Toasts Part 155

The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do.

He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_.

"Some of your const.i.tuents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted lieutenant.

"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when enough disagree with me to const.i.tute a reliable majority, I'm going to turn around and agree with them."

"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?"

"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come around and explain some of 'em to me."

"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired the Professor.

"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?"

"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected this statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the men behind the guns."

"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery.

"What is your opinion of relativity?"

"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum.

"Then you understand it thoroughly?"

"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughly everything I approved of I should have transacted considerable less political business."

"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of the candidate.

"Perhaps it is better so."

"That's the better way to look at it."

"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with all the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred living relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than half of them."

_See also_ Public speakers.

POLITICS

GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?"

CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardest is the work of keeping it from being taken away from me."--_Judge_.

"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political Boss.

"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter.

POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are your qualifications?"

LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of the Board of Education."

YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college."

OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics?

It's not being done."

FIRST Pa.s.sENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenest political ring in the country."

SECOND Pa.s.sENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?"

FIRST Pa.s.sENGER--"I don't."

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, what happened to you before you reached the polls?"

DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped me an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?"

DAVE--"O, ya.s.sir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down de street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's the Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man.'"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"

DAVE--"O, ya.s.sir, I took dat money, too, suh."

PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"

DAVE--"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, as to what a n.i.g.g.ah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into de polls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two."

"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?"

"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would require a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse."