Michael Part 5

All of this so filled Michael's mind as he travelled down that evening to Ashbridge, that he scarcely remembered the errand on which he went, and when it occurred to him it instantly sank out of sight again, lost in the recollection of the music which he had heard to-day and which belonged to the art that claimed the allegiance of his soul. The rattle of the wheels was alchemised into song, and as with half-closed eyes he listened to it, there swam across it now the full face of the singer, now the profile of the pianist, that had stood out white and intent against the dark panelling behind his head. He had gleaned one fact at the box-office as he hurried out to catch his train: this Hermann was the singer's brother, a teacher of the piano in London, and apparently highly thought of.

CHAPTER III

Michael's train, as his mother had so infallibly p.r.o.nounced, was late, and he had arrived only just in time to hurry to his room and dress quickly, in order not to add to his crimes the additional one of unpunctuality, for unpunctuality, so Lord Ashbridge held, was the politeness not only of kings, but of all who had any pretence to decent breeding. His father gave him a carefully-iced welcome, his mother the tip of her long, camel-like lips, and they waited solemnly for the appearance of Aunt Barbara, who, it would seem, had forfeited her claims to family by her marriage. A man-servant and a half looked after each of them at dinner, and the twelve Lord Ashbridges in uniform looked down from their illuminated frames on their degenerate descendant.

The only bright spot in this portentous banquet was Aunt Barbara, who had chosen that evening, with what intention may possibly be guessed, to put on an immense diamond tiara and a breastplate of rubies, while Og, after one futile attempt to play with the footmen, yielded himself up to the chilling atmosphere of good breeding, and ate his mutton-chops with great composure. But Aunt Barbara, fortified by her gems, ate an excellent dinner, and talked all the time with occasional bursts of unexplained laughter.

Afterwards, when Michael was left alone with his father, he found that his best efforts at conversation elicited only monosyllabic replies, and at last, in the despairing desire to bring things to a head, he asked him if he had received his letter. An affirmative monosyllable, followed by the hissing of Lord Ashbridge's cigarette end as he dropped it into his coffee cup, answered him, and he perceived that the approaching storm was to be rendered duly impressive by the thundery stillness that preceded it. Then his father rose, and as he pa.s.sed Michael, who held the door open for him, said:

"If you can spare the time, Michael, I would like to have a talk with you when your mother and aunt have gone to bed."

That was not very long delayed; Michael imagined that Aunt Barbara must have had a hint, for before half-past ten she announced with a skilfully suppressed laugh that she was about to retire, and kissed Michael affectionately. Both her laugh and her salute were encouraging; he felt that he was being backed up. Then a procession of footmen came into the room bearing lemonade and soda water and whiskey and a plate of plain biscuits, and the moment after he was alone with his father.

Lord Ashbridge rose and walked, very tall and majestic, to the fireplace, where he stood for a moment with his back to his son. Then he turned round.

"Now about this nonsense of your resigning your commission, Michael,"

he said. "I don't propose to argue about it, and I am just going to tell you. If, as you have informed me, you have actually sent it in, you will write to-morrow with due apologies and ask that it may be withdrawn. I will see your letter before you send it."

Michael had intended to be as quiet and respectful as possible, consistent with firmness, but a sentence here gave him a spasm of anger.

"I don't know what you mean, sir," he said, "by saying 'if I have sent it in.' You have received my letter in which I tell you that I have done so."

Already, even at the first words, there was bad blood between them.

Michael's face had clouded with that gloom which his father would certainly call sulky, and for himself he resented the tone of Michael's reply. To make matters worse he gave his little falsetto cackle, which no doubt was intended to convey the impression of confident good humour.

But there was, it must be confessed, very little good humour about it, though he still felt no serious doubt about the result of this interview.

"I'm afraid, perhaps, then, that I did not take your letter quite seriously, my dear Michael," he said, in the bantering tone that froze Michael's cordiality completely up. "I glanced through it; I saw a lot of nonsense--or so it struck me--about your resigning your commission and studying music; I think you mentioned Baireuth, and settling down in London afterwards."

"Yes. I said all that," said Michael. "But you make a mistake if you do not see that it was written seriously."

His father glanced across at him, where he sat with his heavy, plain face, his long arms and short legs, and the sight merely irritated him. With his pa.s.sion for convention (and one of the most important conventions was that Combers should be fine, strapping, normal people) he hated the thought that it was his son who presented that appearance.

And his son's mind seemed to him at this moment as ungainly as his person. Again, very unwisely, he laughed, still thinking to carry this off by the high hand.

"Yes, but I can't take that rubbish seriously," he said. "I am asking your permission now to inquire, without any nonsense, into what you mean."

Michael frowned. He felt the insincerity of his father's laugh, and rebelled against the unfairness of it. The question, he knew well, was sarcastically asked, the flavour of irony in the "permission to inquire"

was not there by accident. To speak like that implied contempt of his opposition; he felt that he was being treated like a child over some nursery rebellion, in which, subsequently, there is no real possibility of disobedience. He felt his anger rising in spite of himself.

"If you refer to it as rubbish, sir, there is the end of the matter."

"Ah! I thought we should soon agree," said Lord Ashbridge, chuckling.

"You mistake me," said Michael. "There is the end of the matter, because I won't discuss it any more, if you treat me like this. I will say good night, if you intend to persist in the idea that you can just brush my resolves away like that."

This clearly took his father aback; it was a perfectly dignified and proper att.i.tude to take in the face of ridicule, and Lord Ashbridge, though somewhat an adept at the art of self-deception--as, for instance, when he habitually beat the golf professional--could not disguise from himself that his policy had been to laugh and blow away Michael's absurd ideas. But it was abundantly clear at this moment that this apparently easy operation was out of his reach.

He got up with more amenity in his manner than he had yet shown, and laid his hand on Michael's shoulder as he stood in front of him, evidently quite prepared to go away.

"Come, my dear Michael. This won't do," he said. "I thought it best to treat your absurd schemes with a certain lightness, and I have only succeeded in irritating you."

Michael was perfectly aware that he had scored. And as his object was to score he made another criticism.

"When you say 'absurd schemes,' sir," he said, with quiet respect, "are you not still laughing at them?"

Lord Ashbridge again retreated strategically.

"Very well; I withdraw absurd," he said. "Now sit down again, and we will talk. Tell me what is in your mind."

Michael made a great effort with himself. He desired, in the secret, real Michael, to be reasonable and cordial, to behave filially, while all the time his nerves were on edge with his father's ridicule, and with his instinctive knowledge of his father's distaste for him.

"Well, it's like this, father," he said. "I'm doing no good as I am. I went into the Guards, as you know, because it was the right thing to do.

A business man's son is put into business for the same reason. And I'm not good at it."

Michael paused a moment.

"My heart isn't in it," he said, "and I dislike it. It seems to me useless. We're for show. And my heart is quite entirely in music. It's the thing I care for more than anything else."

Again he paused; all that came so easily to his tongue when he was speaking to Francis was congealed now when he felt the contempt with which, though unexpressed, he knew he inspired his father.

Lord Ashbridge waited with careful politeness, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, his large person completely filling his chair, just as his atmosphere filled the room. He said nothing at all until the silence rang in Michael's ears.

"That is all I can tell you," he said at length.

Lord Ashbridge carefully conveyed the ash from his cigarette to the fireplace before he spoke. He felt that the time had come for his most impressive effort.

"Very well, then, listen to me," he said. "What you suffer from, Michael, is a mere want of self-confidence and from modesty. You don't seem to grasp--I have often noticed this--who you are and what your importance is--an importance which everybody is willing to recognise if you will only a.s.sume it. You have the privileges of your position, which you don't sufficiently value, but you have, also, the responsibilities of it, which I am afraid you are inclined to shirk. You haven't got the large view; you haven't the sense of patriotism. There are a great many things in my position--the position into which you will step--which I would much sooner be without. But we have received a tradition, and we are bound to hand it on intact. You may think that this has nothing to do with your being in the Guards, but it has. We"--and he seemed to swell a little--"we are bound in honour to take the lead in the service of our country, and we must do it whether we like it or not. We have to till, with our own efforts, 'our goodly heritage.' You have to learn the meaning of such words as patriotism, and caste, and duty."

Lord Ashbridge thought that he was really putting this very well indeed, and he had the sustaining consciousness of sincerity. He entirely believed what he said, and felt that it must carry conviction to anyone who listened to it with anything like an open mind. The only thing that he did not allow for was that he personally immensely enjoyed his social and dominant position, thinking it indeed the only position which was really worth having. This naturally gave an aid to comprehension, and he did not take into account that Michael was not so blessed as he, and indeed lacked this very superior individual enlightenment. But his own words kindled the flame of this illumination, and without noticing the blank stolidity of Michael's face he went on with gathering confidence:

"I am sure you are high-minded, my dear Michael," he said. "And it is to your high-mindedness that I--yes, I don't mind saying it--that I appeal.

In a moment of unreflectiveness you have thrown overboard what I am sure is real to you, the sense, broadly speaking, that you are English and of the highest English cla.s.s, and have intended to devote yourself to more selfish and pleasure-loving aims, and to dwell in a tinkle of pleasant sounds that please your ear; and I'm sure I don't wonder, because, as your mother and I both know, you play charmingly. But I feel confident that your better mind does not really confuse the mere diversions of life with its serious issues."

Michael suddenly rose to his feet.

"Father, I'm afraid this is no use at all," he said. "All that I feel, and all that I can't say, I know is unintelligible to you. You have called it rubbish once, and you think it is rubbish still."

Lord Ashbridge's eloquence was suddenly arrested. He had been cantering gleefully along, and had the very distinct impression of having run up against a stone wall. He dismounted, hurt, but in no way broken.

"I am anxious to understand you, Michael," he said.

"Yes, father, but you don't," said he. "You have been explaining me all wrong. For instance, I don't regard music as a diversion. That is the only explanation there is of me."

"And as regards my wishes and my authority?" asked his father.

Michael squared his shoulders and his mind.