Marrying An Older Man Part 21

Haney made a face. "I messed up everything, didn't I?"

Caroline slumped into the corner of the couch. "No. Certainly not for Jesse and me, if that's what you're thinking. I shouldn't have done what I did. Jesse has to want me for all the same reasons I want him if it's going to work out -at''all. I should have realized that and saved us all a lot of embarra.s.sment." She sucked in a deep breath, having said all she intended to on the subject. "Now, do you want to tell me about Sarah?"

Haney frowned. "It's not Sarah," he finally said. "It's me. I just don't know what to do about it."

"Haney, I know you love Sarah," Caroline prodded gentry.

'"Course I do," he retorted roughly. "Sometimes too much, maybe."

Caroline thought that over and shook her head, saying confidently, "That's not possible. But maybe if you could tell me why you think it is, I could help."

He sat staring into s.p.a.ce for a long time, but Caroline sensed that he was working up to what he wanted to say. At long last he leaned forward and rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm losing her. And I'm not ready. I won't ever be ready. When you're young, like you and Jesse, you think you got all the time in the world to be together, then one day you wake up and all your tomorrows are gone. At first, time seems to stretch out into infinity, and then suddenly you can see the end of it, and it's coming closer all the time, faster and faster. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't get ready for it."

Caroline felt a little exasperated, so she chose her words dip- T.

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lomatically. "Haney, arthritis is debilitating and painful, but it's not fatal,"

"No," he said softly, nicking a speck of lint off his knee, "but life is, and arthritis is one of those things that comes at the end of it."

Now she really wanted to shake him, but she held on to her composure. "That just isn't so. A long time ago when people died a lot younger than they do now, it might have been, but not anymore. Besides, lots of young people get certain forms of arthritis."

"Oh, that's what they tell you," Haney scoffed, "but the truth is we're coming to the end."

She bit down on a flash of temper, but the words tumbled out, anyway. "For Pete's sake, Haney! No one is ever guaranteed a tomorrow. All any of us have, young and old alike, is right now, this day, this hour, this moment!"

"You can say that," he grumbled stubbornly, "because you're young and-"

Caroline completely lost her patience then. She launched to her feet. "That's a crock, Haney Wagner, and you know it! I have no more guarantee of a future than you do, than anyone does! Don't you understand that Kay thought she and Jesse had all the time they'd ever need? Don't you imagine that Champ's mother, believed she'd have time to make up for all her mistakes? Sarah has arthritis, Haney! Yes, it's impacted her life and yours, too, but there are treatments. It can even go into remission, but if not, you can both learn to cope, to enjoy your lives again! That's what Sarah's trying to do, to bring the joy back into your lives, but she needs your help, and you can't give it to her if you insist on sticking your head in the sand! Stop worrying about what you can't change and start working on what you can! Because now is all there is for any of us. And you're wasting it by sitting here with your head in your hands while she's in Denver fighting to get your lives back!"

Haney sat gaping at her throughout her tirade and for several seconds afterward. It was during those final seconds that she began to regret her hasty tongue, so much so that she put a hand over her mouth to prevent any more thoughtless words from es- caping. Haney, however, finally got his mouth closed, only to have it turn up in a reluctant grin. "You don't cut much slack, do you? No wonder you got that boy of mine running."

Completely deflated now, Caroline flopped back down on the couch. "You're right. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry."

"That's not what I meant at all," he said with a rough chuckle. He spread his hands. "You just don't mince words, and I guess maybe that's what I needed."

"You don't have to try to make me feel better," Caroline muttered, "especially not after everything that's happened today."

He waved that away. "No, I mean it. Those counselors, I guess they've been pretty much saying the same thing but polite, you know."

Caroline grimaced. "Haney, I didn't mean to be rude, really I didn't."

"You weren't rude," Haney told her. "You just laid it out there on the line, and you're right about everything you said. It's just-" He shook his head. "I walked out on her in the middle of one of those counseling sessions. I couldn't sit there any longer being lectured about this 'stage' of my life and 'cla.s.sic male denial,' whatever that is. I just want her to get over it. I want..." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What I want is to be thirty-five again, showing my boys their way around this place and counting the minutes until I can get their mama alone. I want to start from the beginning and do it all again exactly the same way."

Tears came to Caroline's eyes. "Haney, that's the sweetest thing I've heard a man say, but you know it's not possible to go back."

He nodded and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I teow, I know. All we've got is the here and now-if I haven't totally ruined everything."

Caroline smiled encouragingly. "Haney, you just get yourself back to Denver and tell Sarah what you've told me, and every-taing will be fine. And this time I do know what I'm talking iabout"

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He lifted a hand to the back of his neck, saying tentatively, "I reckon she's forgiven me worse."

Caroline shrugged. "She loves you."

Haney smiled. "Yeah. Used to be, we'd fight sometimes just so we could make up."

"Then just look at this as a perfect opportunity for making up."

He chuckled. "Good idea. First I'll call her, then tomorrow bright and early I'll head back."

Caroline sat back and smiled. "Well, now that that's settled, how about some dinner?"

He slapped his firm middle. "Great! Suddenly, I'm starved."

She got up. "You call Sarah while I get things started."

He got up, too, and she headed for the kitchen, but suddenly he stopped her. "Caroline!"

She turned back warily. Now would come the lecture she'd been dreading since the moment Haney had opened that bedroom door. "Yeah?"

"Thanks," he said gently, surprising her. "And don't worry about Jesse. We Wagner men are slow, but we're not stupid. I'm betting he'll come around."

She heaved a sigh of relief. "I hope you're right. I have to believe you are."

"Jesse'll work it out, you'll see." He lifted a brow, adding, "He's got a mighty high incentive, if you ask me."

Blushing, she nodded hopefully and hurried toward the kitchen. Well, it wasn't exactly the outcome for this day that she'd expected, but it could have been worse. After all, not a single rock had been thrown by anyone. In fact, had Haney not interrupted, Jesse would be making love to her now, but it was probably best that it hadn't happened, after all, not that way and not at this time. If they were going to have any kind of future, she and Jesse had to come together in honesty and love. The question was, would it happen? She could only pray and hope, like Haney, that her tomorrow would come.

Chapter Thirteen.

Fie didn't come home that night. He didn't come home the next morning, so he wasn't there to see his father off. He didn't come home for dinner, either, which seemed to give Handsome ideas again, so much so that Tiger dragged him out of the house almost before he finished his dinner. Caroline heard them arguing as they trudged toward their respective vehicles.

"She's Jesse's girl," Tiger said.

"Well, he sure doesn't act like it!" Handsome retorted.

"She's still Jesse's girl," Tiger insisted, and Caroline had to agree. No matter what, she was Jesse's girl. She wasn't even sure she could stop being Jesse's girl if she wanted to. So she locked the house up tight and settled down to wait for him in front of the now-repaired television, a book on her lap.

Some time after ten, she got up and went upstairs to bed, but after tossing and turning for nearly an hour, she gave up and went back downstairs in her flannel pajamas to sit in front of the television again and wonder what, exactly, was supposed to be entertaining about late-night programming. Eventually fatigue and 206.

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sheer boredom did the trick, and the next thing she knew, something jerked her awake.

She sat up on the couch, blinking in the heavy darkness and wondering what was wrong, and then it hit her. The television. Someone had turned it off. Jesse. She pushed her hair back and looked around the room. After a bit, her eyes adjusted and she caught the outline of a figure sitting in Haney's chair. She cleared her throat and tried to keep the edge off her voice.

"So, have a good day?"

He said nothing for a moment, and then he sighed heavily. "No."

"Good. Serves you right. Me, neither, so I guess that makes us even."

"I had to think," he said.

Nodding, she folded her legs beneath her and settled down for a talk. "Okay. Would it have killed you to call, though?"

"No. But getting so drunk I couldn't call almost did. I woke up about four this afternoon with my third-and final-hangover ever. But then I vowed that the last time, too."

Caroline smiled into the dark. "And how long did that vow last?"

"Oh, going on ten years, I reckon."

She laughed. "Well, maybe this one will have some real sticking power."

"It ought to," he said drily. "I thought someone had split my skull down the middle with a dull ax when I woke up in that motel room this afternoon."

Caroline tried to keep the question behind her teeth, but she couldn't help it. She had to know. "Did you wake up alone?"

A heartbeat later he said, "Yeah, and I went to bed alone, too."

She was glad that the darkness hid her face just then because she couldn't have kept the relief from showing if her life had depended on it.' 'I shouldn't have asked that," she managed shak- ~ ily.

"No, you shouldn't have." She heard a rustle of movement as he slid forward to the edge of his seat and then his voice, m.u.f.fled by the hands he held to his face. "G.o.d, Caroline, don't you know that you're the only woman I want?"

She didn't know who got up first, and she didn't care, not even when she smacked her shin on the edge of the coffee table. It stopped hurting the moment his arms came around her.

"I know it's not right," he was saying, "but I want you so much."

She hushed him with fingers pressed against his lips, then replaced them with her mouth, exulting in the eagerness of his response. Everything about him was so dear, the hard strength of his body, the earthy, male smell of him, the roughness of his callused hands, the scratch and pull of his two-day growth of beard, even the deep catch in his bream when she pressed her upper body more fully against him. Her own breath caught when he cupped her bottom in his big hands and thrust the proof of his maleness against her, his kiss suddenly more aggressive than her own.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and welcomed his tongue into her mouth. It was not enough. Coiling one leg around him, she opened herself to the thrust and grind of his pelvis. The pressure alone made her head swim, and yet it was still not enough, not nearly enough. Apparently it wasn't enough for him, either, because he slid one hand over her hip and down to the thigh of the leg upon which she balanced herself, lifting it and coaxing it around him as he took her weight into his arms. A sound of need rippled up from deep in his chest, echoing into her mouth. He turned, b.u.mped his way around the coffee table and dropped both of them down onto the couch into a sitting position. She moved so that she knelt astraddle his lap, her hands framing his face as she kissed him. He shoved his hands up under the top of her pajamas, cupping and squee'zing. The pleasure of that simple touch was astonishing, and she arched against his palms, rocking her pelvis against him. Moaning, he jerked his hands away and turned his head, breaking the kiss.

"I can't do this," he said raggedly. "I shouldn't do this, no matter how much I want to."

Caroline matched her forehead and the tip of her nose to his. "We both know I want this, Jesse, and we both know how I feel about you. So the only question I have right now is, do you love me?"

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He caught handfuls of her hair in his fists and pulled her head back so that he could look into her eyes. "Yes. But-"

She stopped him from saying more by laying her cheek against his mouth. "That's all that matters to me, Jesse."

He covered her ears with his hands and turned her head, determined. "Caroline, I can't promise you-"

"It doesn't matter now. Just don't stop. Make love to me, Jesse."

He groaned. "Caroline, sweetheart, I-"

"I won't lie to you, Jesse," she said quickly. "I want you to be the only man ever to make love to me, but if you can't promise to be the only one, then please be the first. Don't let some other man be my first, not when I love you so much, when I know I'll always love you."

"Caroline. Ah, G.o.d, I want to believe I can give you everything you'll ever need, be everything you'll ever want, but I can't risk it."

"Then don't," she said, unb.u.t.toning her pajama top, "just be what I need and what I want now. We'll let tomorrow take care of itself, but tonight... Love me tonight, Jesse. Love me."

With a sigh of defeat and mingled antic.i.p.ation, lie capitulated. His trembling hands brushed open the front of her shirt. She shrugged it off her shoulders, letting it slide down her arms and fall away. He moaned and filled his hands. She caught her breath as his warm palms molded her pale flesh. Her head fell back, and a molten need surged between her legs. He seemed to know and thrust his hips upward accordingly, grinding against her in a movement that partly a.s.suaged and partly inflamed her need.

"Hurry, Jesse," she panted, answering his thrusts with her own.

Quickly he twisted and lowered her onto her back, pulling away long enough to throw off his clothes. She lifted her arms for him, but his hands came down on her waist, clutched the elastic band of her pajama bottoms and peeled them down and off, tossing them over the end of the couch. She spread her legs for him, and he came down between them on one knee, his hands sliding beneath her hips and lifting her.

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"This could hurt," he said when he was positioned to enter her.

"I don't care." She wrapped her legs around him and opened her arms. He leaned forward and kissed her, slowly sinking into her core. She tightened her embrace as he came down on top of her, desperate to have him buried deeply inside her. At one point she felt a small pinch of discomfort, but it was completely overshadowed by the heat and fullness stretching her, to completion. Finally he stopped and broke the kiss, his muscles rigid as he nuzzled her cheek.

"I'll try to go slow," he whispered roughly, "but I'm not really sure I can."

"Don't," she answered breathlessly, pulsing against him.

"Jesse, I need-"

"I know," he said, thrusting deeply.

An arrow of light drove straight to her head. She cried out, arching beneath him and holding him tight. He moved again and again, the ecstasy blinding her with light from within. She clutched and clawed at him, finally finding her rhythm and rising up to meet him, thrust for thrust. When she reached the zenith he was buried deeply inside her, but men suddenly he was pulling out.

"No!" she cried out, surging upward and clamping her hands down on his hips, legs locked around him.

With a strangled moan he drove into her again, shuddering and jerking his head back. A moment later he collapsed atop her, heart hammering, lungs pumping. "Sweet heaven!" he gasped against the curve of her neck. Caroline tried to hold on to him, but her body had turned to b.u.t.ter, a languid peacefulness settling over her. Her arms and legs slid away, the weight of his body pressing her into the sofa cushions.

"Oh, Jesse," she whispered, and felt the curve of his smile against her throat. After a moment he levered himself up onto erne elbow, and for the first time she realized how truly small and uncomfortable that couch was for two people, especially when one of diem was so big and heavy.

"No pain, I take it."