Married Part 11

She sat alone in the drawing-room. What could she do to make the time pa.s.s more quickly? The maid had gone to bed; the grandfather's clock ticked and ticked. But it was only ten o'clock when she put away her crochet work. She fidgeted, moved the furniture about and felt a little unstrung.

So that was what being married meant! One was torn from one's early surroundings, and shut up in three solitary rooms to wait until one's husband came home, half intoxicated.--Nonsense! he loved her, and he was out on business. She was a fool to forget that. But _did_ he love her still? Hadn't he refused a day or two ago to hold a skein of wool for her?--a thing he loved to do before they were married. Didn't he look rather annoyed yesterday when she met him before lunch? And--after all--if he had to attend a business meeting to-night, there was no necessity for him to be present at the banquet.

It was half-past ten when her musing had reached this point. She was surprised that she hadn't thought of these things before. She relapsed into her dark mood and the dismal thoughts again pa.s.sed through her mind, one by one. But now reinforcements had arrived. He never talked to her now! He never sang to her, never opened the piano! He had told her a lie when he had said that he couldn't do without his afternoon nap, for he was reading French novels all the time.

He had told her a lie!

It was only half-past eleven. The silence was oppressive. She opened the window and looked out into the street. Two men were standing down below, bargaining with two women. That was men's way! If he should ever do anything like that! She should drown herself if he did.

She shut the window and lighted the chandelier in the bedroom. "One ought to be able to see what one is about," he had once said to her on a certain occasion.--Everything was still so bright and new! The green coverlet looked like a mown lawn, and the little pillows reminded her of two white kittens curled up on the gra.s.s. The polish of her dressing-table reflected the light: the mirror had as yet none of those ugly stains which are made by the splashing of water. The silver on the back of her hair-brush, her powder-box, her tooth-brush, all shone and sparkled. Her bedroom slippers were still so new and pretty that it was impossible to picture them down-at-heel. Everything looked new, and yet everything seemed to have lost some of its freshness. She knew all his songs, all his drawing-room pieces, all his words, all his thoughts. She knew before-hand what he would say when he sat down to lunch, what he would talk about when they were alone in the evening.

She was sick of it all. Had she been in love with him? Oh, yes!

Certainly! But was this all then? Was she realising all the dreams of her girlhood? Were things to go on like this until she died? Yes!

But--but--but--surely they would have children! though there was no sign of it as yet. Then she would no longer be alone! Then he might go out as often as he liked, for she would always have somebody to talk to, to play with. Perhaps it was a baby which she wanted to make her happy. Perhaps matrimony really meant something more than being a man's legitimate mistress. That must be it! But then, he would have to love her, and he didn't do that. And she began to cry.

When her husband came home at one o'clock, he was quite sober. But he was almost angry with her when he found her still up.

"Why didn't you go to bed?" were the words with which he greeted her.

"How can I go to sleep when I am waiting for you?"

"A fine look out for me! Am I never to go out then? I believe you have been crying, too?"

"Yes, I have, and how can I help it if you--don't--love--me--any--more?"

"Do you mean to say I don't love you because I had to go out on business?"

"A banquet isn't business!"

"Good G.o.d! Am I not to be allowed to go out? How can women be so obtrusive?"

"Obtrusive? Yes, I noticed that yesterday, when I met you. I'll never meet you again."

"But, darling, I was with my chief--"

"Huhuhu!"

She burst into tears, her body moved convulsively.

He had to call the maid and ask her to fetch the hot-water bottle.

He, too, was weeping. Scalding tears! He wept over himself, his hardness of heart, his wickedness, his illusions over everything.

Surely his love for her wasn't an illusion? He did love her! Didn't he? And she said she loved him, too, as he was kneeling before her prostrate figure, kissing her eyes. Yes, they loved one another! It was merely a dark cloud which had pa.s.sed, now. Ugly thoughts, born of solitude and loneliness. She would never, never again stay alone. They fell asleep in each other's arms, her face dimpled with smiles.

But she did not go to meet him on the following day. He asked no questions at lunch. He talked a lot, but more for the sake of talking than to amuse her; it seemed as if he were talking to himself.

In the evening he entertained her with long descriptions of the life at Castle Sjostaholm; he mimicked the young ladies talking to the Baron, and told her the names of the Count's horses. And on the following day he mentioned his dissertation.

One afternoon he came home very tired. She was sitting in the drawing-room, waiting for him. Her ball of cotton had fallen on the floor. In pa.s.sing, his foot got entangled in the cotton; at his next step he pulled her crochet work out of her hand and dragged it along; then he lost his temper and kicked it aside.

She exclaimed at his rudeness.

He retorted that he had no time to bother about her rubbish, and advised her to spend her time more profitably. He had to think of his dissertation, if he was to have a career at all. And she ought to consider the question of how to limit their household expenses.

Things had gone far indeed!

On the next day the young wife, her eyes swollen with weeping, was knitting socks for her husband. He told her he could buy them cheaper ready-made. She burst into tears. What was she to do? The maid did all the work of the house, there was not enough work in the kitchen for two. She always dusted the rooms. Did he want her to send the maid away?

"No, no!"

"What did he want, then?"

He didn't know himself, but he was sure that something was wrong. Their expenses were too high. That was all. They couldn't go on living at their present rate, and then--somehow he could never find time to work at his dissertation.

Tears, kisses, and a grand reconciliation! But now he started staying away from home in the evening several times a week. Business! A man must show himself! If he stays at home, he will be overlooked and forgotten!

A year had pa.s.sed; there were no signs of the arrival of a baby. "How like a little liaison I once had in the old days," he thought; "there is only one difference: this one is duller and costs more." There was no more conversation, now; they merely talked of household matters.

"She has no brain," he thought. "I am listening to myself when I am talking to her, and the apparent depths of her eyes is a delusion, due to the size of her pupils--the unusual size of her pupils.--"

He talked openly about his former love for her as of something that was over and done with. And yet, whenever he did so, he felt a pain in his heart, an irritating, cruel pain, a remorseless pain that could never die.

"Everything on earth withers and dies," he mused, "why should her favourite song alone be an exception to this? When one has heard it three hundred and sixty-five times, it becomes stale; it can't be helped. But is my wife right when she says that our love, also, has died? No, and yet--perhaps she is. Our marriage is no better than a vulgar liaison, for we have no child."

One day he made up his mind to talk the matter over with a married friend, for were they not both members of the "Order of the Married"?

"How long have you been married?"

"Six years."

"And does matrimony bore you?"

"At first it did; but when the children came, matters improved."

"Was that so? It's strange that we have no child."

"Not your fault, old man! Tell your wife to go and see a doctor about it."

He had an intimate conversation with her and she went.

Six weeks after what a change!

What a bustle and commotion in the house! The drawing-room table was littered with baby-clothes which were quickly hidden if anybody entered unexpectedly, and reappeared as quickly if it was only he who had come in. A name had to be thought of. It would surely be a boy. The midwife had to be interviewed, medical books had to be bought, and a cradle and a baby's outfit.

The baby arrived and it really was a boy! And when he saw the "little monkey that smelled of b.u.t.ter" clasped to her bosom, which until then had but been his plaything, he reverently discovered the mother in his little wife; and "when he saw the big pupils looking at the baby so intently that they seemed to be looking into the future", he realised that there were depths in her eyes after all; depths more profound than he could fathom for all his drama and religion. And now all his old love, his dear old love, burst into fresh flames, and there was something new added to it, which he had dimly divined, but never realised.

How beautiful she was when she busied herself about the house again!

And how intelligent in all matters concerning the baby!