Marked Men: Rome Part 20

I snorted. "I deserve the best and that's what I found. Good-bye, Jimmy."

The three of us watched him walk away, me with a new clarity, Nash with unbridled amus.e.m.e.nt, and when I looked up at Rome, everything I had been afraid my thoughtless words were doing to him was shining out of his hard gaze. He was angry, but more than that he was hurt, and I couldn't fault him for it. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to try and soothe the unintentional burn I had caused, but those sapphire eyes flashed at me and I could feel the blaze of his anger burning in his tightly locked muscles and granite-hard expression. I took a step back and started when he did the same thing. There wasn't supposed to be s.p.a.ce like this between us anymore.

"What just happened, Cora?"

The words were gritted out between clenched teeth, and I blinked at him in surprise.

"I thought this entire time that you couldn't tell me you loved me, that you were struggling to find a house with me because you were still working through all that stuff that idiot left you with when he cheated on you. I thought I was letting you find your own way to where I was waiting for you, and I just watched you annihilate the only excuse I thought you had for holding back on me. You just told that idiot you could never love someone else because of what he did to you, I heard it loud and clear."

I reached out for him, my hand was shaking, and I could feel Nash recoil next to me when he backed away another step. This couldn't be happening.

"Rome." I tried to get him to calm down. To get a word in edgewise, to tell him he didn't understand, but he wouldn't let me. The thing I was best at, talking, seemed to be my worst enemy at the moment. If I had just been able to tell him I loved him back, he wouldn't be reacting this way now. Of course I loved him. I was just terrified.

"Dude, chill. She just got ambushed by her ex. She's pregnant. Take a breath and calm down."

"I know she's pregnant, Nash. I had something to do with that, but I can't give you everything, let you see all the broken, ugly parts of me, if all I get in return is only what you deem as safe. I'm not Jimmy. I won't let you down like that, and I thought I had proven that to you over and over again. If you can't be in love with me because of what that loser did to you five years ago, which one of us isn't all the way in, Cora?"

Beyond the rage in his voice I could hear the sounds of his heart tearing loose in his chest. My fear and hesitation had caused this. There was no one to blame but myself. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pry the words he so obviously needed off of my tongue. I did love him, but this wasn't a way I was ever going to tell him that. He would never believe me if I blurted it out to prevent this ugly scene.

The driver's door slammed shut, and he took off in squeal of tires and roaring engine. I was glad he wasn't on the bike. That would have been dangerous and scary.

Nash pulled me into a one-armed hug and I rested my head on his chest.

"He'll calm down. I think seeing Jimmy was as much of a shock to him as it was to you."

"He's right. I should have told him how I felt forever ago. I just couldn't. I was scared telling him I loved him would mean it would all fall apart and it would destroy me if it didn't work out. He always tells me I color his entire world, but he did the same thing for me. If what I felt for Jimmy is beige, then what I feel for Rome is a d.a.m.n box of Crayola crayons. I shouldn't have been such a baby and just let him know. He is perfect for me, Nash."

Nash swore a little bit and turned so that we could go into the shop.

"When two people feel that way about each other, they figure it out. Just like Rule and Shaw did and just like Jet and Ayden. It'll be fine, Tink. I promise. By the way that was a nice gut shot. You shoulda aimed for the nose, though."

Normally that would have made me laugh, but I felt like everything I had was swirling around in that cloud of wrath Rome had ridden away on. It had to work out, there was no other option. He was it for me, I just needed to pull my head out of my a.s.s and tell him. He was right: I asked him for everything and he gave it without question. He wanted one thing from me, to hear that I loved him like he loved me, and I had been unable to do it for him. I sucked. Plus I was sick and tired of the big jerk always somehow managing to get the last word in every time we had a fight. That was really annoying.

"I wish that was a promise I could be sure you could keep, Nash. Don't say anything to the guys. You can tell them about Jimmy because you all gossip like teenage girls, but leave Rome out of it. I need to fix this mess on my own."

And fix it I would, because there was no other option for me or for our baby.

When we walked in the door, the guys all wanted to know what was going on. I let Nash fill them in while I asked Rule if I could talk to him in the back room.

He followed me, his face screwed up in a total look of confusion, but he was kind enough not to grill me.

"That was Jimmy."

"I figured. Looks like Rome made it pretty clear he better leave you alone."

"Yeah, he also made it pretty clear I better figure my s.h.i.t out or I'm going forward alone."

I thought Rule would get riotously indignant on my behalf, but he didn't. He narrowed those pale eyes at me, which made me twist my plugs around nervously. I felt like a bug under a microscope.

"What? Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what, Cora?"

"All judgy. I was your biggest cheerleader when you were acting like a dips.h.i.t over Shaw, so knock it off."

"He loves you, Cora. That isn't a joke. He's never laid himself on the line for anyone like that before that wasn't family."

"I know, I know. I'm working my way there, all right. I don't want to be without him."

"Do you love my brother, Tink? Because if you don't, even if it kills him, you need to walk away now. You can't do that to him."

"Rule." I sighed and started to pace back and forth in front of him. "I wanted someone perfect, thought it would keep me safe, save me from another broken heart, and all it did was insulate me and make me too scared to tell a wonderful man that I love him back. I thought I could show him, that he would just know, just feel it pouring out of me the way I felt it from him. I screwed this up royally and I don't know if he's going to let me fix it."

I started crying and he swore and pulled me into a hug that crushed my ribs.

"Everything is fixable. He had the same reaction when Shaw let us know about Remy, only then he had all my idiotic outrage on top of his own to keep it going. He works his way out of it and I know how much he needs you, Cora. It'll be fine. Love is a G.o.dd.a.m.n scary thing. Facing it takes bra.s.s b.a.l.l.s, and we all know you have a pair."

I didn't want to laugh, but I had to. I pulled away and wiped a hand over my face. "I used to think I was pretty tough, but your brother has turned me into a big pile of goo."

"He makes all of us look like marshmallows."

I straightened my top and tried to make sure I looked presentable before going back on the floor.

"I want you to design a new tattoo for me. That is the real reason I asked you to come back here, not to sob all over you like a big girl."

He lifted the eyebrow that had the rings in it and looked me over. "More flowers?"

I told him no and explained what I wanted. I was gratified to see his eyes grow big and to see some of the frost that was always in there melt a little in appreciation.

"I'd be honored to do it. Just let me know when you're ready."

I tilted my head to the side and winked at him. "Gotta get big brother to forgive me first."

"He will."

"You guys keep saying that. I just hope you're right."

CHAPTER 16.

Rome

Everyone at the bar was giving me a pretty wide berth. I came in breathing fire and lit up. I knew my anger was disproportionate to the situation, kind of like it had been when Shaw broke the news to us about Remy, but I couldn't seem to stop it. I felt like I was losing my grip on things, like whatever I had been building with Cora was crumbling to dust right in front of my eyes. I was so wound up in my own bruised ego, and my own sense of loss, that I knew I was on the brink of spiraling out of control with no way to stop it.

I told myself over and over that we couldn't agree on a house because we were just two very different people. When it crept up on me that she couldn't tell me that she loved me, I convinced myself it was because she was still working around the fear Jimmy had left with her. I tried to reason that she was scared to see forever with me because I was still rocky at the whole family and stability thing, but I tried to show her in everything I did, with every dark memory or tortured dream I let her touch, that I was getting there. Watching her face her ex, dismiss him out of hand as insignificant, unimportant, and irrelevant, didn't give her a wall of excuses to hide behind anymore. I couldn't get my head around a real reason she might have for not feeling about me the way I did about her until she told him that he'd made her unable to love anyone. I knew she was holding parts of herself back and I understood fear, but I felt hopeless and furious at the idea that she had forced me to open all my hidden places, to bleed all the worst parts of me out in the open for her to see, while she still got to play it safe. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't a way for us to move forward together.

As tempting as it was to just grab a bottle of vodka and disappear into the back room and drown my sorrows, I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere, so I just made sure I kept busy and tried to avoid snapping anyone's head off needlessly. Asa was watching me closely and running pretty good interference for me. I didn't know why everyone else thought he was such a shady character; so far he had done nothing but have my back. I would even consider him a friend at this point, so when I got a text from Cora at ten telling me she was in the parking lot and wanted to talk, I just nodded to him even though the bar was packed. The crowd on a Friday night was something to be proud of now, but I was so twisted up about a certain wild-card blonde I didn't even stop to acknowledge it.

I knew she didn't want to come in the bar in case I was going to make a scene or because she was worried that I would be unbending and unreasonable. I had given her good cause to believe that, which made me feel like a major jerk. There was no need for her to be cowering in the parking lot like she did something wrong. If she didn't feel about me the way I felt about her, I was just going to have to accept it and move on. The one thing she had been so instrumental in teaching me was that there was nothing wrong with holding out for what you ultimately decided you deserved. I wanted her, wanted a life with her and the baby, but she needed to want me on the same level or it wasn't enough.

I saw the bright green car parked next to my truck. When she caught sight of me making my way toward her, she climbed out of the driver's side and started to make her way toward me. I was going to tell her to just follow me inside, that I would have Darcy make her something to snack on while we talked. I never got the chance because I heard the roar of Harley pipes at the same time all my oh, s.h.i.t instincts fired up. I saw her head whip around, felt time slow down the way it did when danger and doom were breaking on the horizon, so I did what I had been trained to do. I knew what gunshots sounded like. Knew not to panic, but never had I been so scared. I had been shot at plenty of times. I had never had to worry about someone I loved getting shot, though. It made me move faster than I ever had in my life.

I sprinted across the asphalt like it was made of lava. I got to her right before the first bullet made contact. My head jerked back and blood started immediately rushing down the column of my neck and soaking into the collar of my T-shirt. I saw her wild eyes go huge in her face but didn't have time to say anything to her. I was lucky she made such a tiny target because the next gunshot didn't miss either, nor did the next as I took her to the ground under me. I'd been hit with bullets before, but had always had body armor to dull the impact. Bullets tearing through unprotected flesh felt like Satan flicking his tail across bare skin. My flesh burned and the calm night air instantly filled with the coppery scent of my blood. Man, there was a lot of it. I could see it flowing out of me and onto her and the pavement below her. How could have I forgotten there was a p.i.s.sed-off biker all set to get vengeance on me? Cora shouldn't have been in that parking lot alone.

I had her whole body under me. Could feel her shaking and whispering my name against my throat. I hoped I hadn't hit the ground with her too hard, but I couldn't move to check on her. In fact I knew I needed to get off of her so I wasn't crushing her into the hard ground, but none of my limbs were obeying my commands. In fact her lovely and beloved face was blurring in and out as breath wheezed in and out of lungs that felt like they were suddenly full of cement. I was suffocating. I was bleeding. I was hurting all over, but she was looking up at me in shock and fear but alive. So full of life and color, and that was all that mattered.

"Cora ..." I wanted to tell her I was sorry. That I would never be done with her, not ever, but there wasn't a way to do that. I was going under. I could feel blood pooling under us. Could feel fire blazing in more than one place from my p.r.o.ne body. I think Cora screamed my name over and over again. I think I heard Asa tell her he was calling for help. I was pretty sure my little pixie had a death grip on me where I covered her, but I couldn't feel anything. I was also fairly certain my girl was about to watch me die, and the last thing I heard before it all just went absolutely black was her tell me that she loved me over and over again.

"Always have to be the hero, don't you?"

His tone was kidding, but it had been so long since I had seen him that all I could do was gape at him in shock.

"Rem?"

"Who else? Got yourself in a bit of a pickle, didn't ya?"

I tried to shake my head, tried to reach out and put my hands on him, but all I could do was just stare at him while he paced back and forth in front of me, hands shoved into the pockets of impeccably pressed, pin-striped pants. He looked good, way better than a guy who had been dead going on five years should.

"You look good, bro."

He smiled at me. A smile so different from Rule's, and I felt my heart flip over. I missed him so much.

"I always looked good, Rome. We need to have a serious heart-to-heart, big brother."

"About what?"

"You."

"What about me, Remy?"

"You seriously have any doubts over whether I knew, absolutely, without any kind of shadow of a doubt that you loved me, Rome? That you were proud of me?"

I felt something happen in my chest, like lightning burning where my heart should be.

"I should have told you. I shouldn't have asked you to keep an eye on them. That was selfish."

"Oh, Rome." It sounded like a sigh, but I wasn't sure what was going on or where I was at, so maybe it was just the last of my breath escaping my no longer working lungs. "I was always so proud when you asked me to keep an eye on Rule or on Shaw. It meant you trusted me, you believed that I could do as good a job as you always did keeping everyone safe. Those words meant more to me than you can know."

I took a minute to let that process and heard him laugh. It sounded happy and there was no regret in it.

"The girl, the one you just took three bullets for, she's the one for you." It wasn't a question, so I didn't feel obligated to answer him. "You don't think she loves you? You don't think her heart is breaking right now? Because I can a.s.sure you that it is and it has nothing to do with being afraid of having to raise that baby alone. She's scared for you. Her heart is shattering for you."

I tried to scowl but I didn't have any control of my facial muscles.

"She's never said anything to me."

"But don't you just know, Rome? Just like I knew you loved me without question. Love doesn't always have to be spoken out loud. Shaw loved Rule from the beginning of time and never said one word about it, but if he had ever bothered to look at her, he would have seen it shining out of her like a beacon. The same thing can be said about your little spitfire. It's stamped all over her, Rome, you just have to look past the fear, hers and your own, to see it."

That point was burning and hot in the center of where I thought my chest was. I knew all about fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not having anything to offer. I hoped I hid it well, but I hadn't taken one second to think that maybe Cora was hiding behind a cloud of terror as well. Our experience made us; what we did with that knowledge is what defined who we were going to be, and somewhere along the line I got caught up in all the noise of "what if" and forgot that.

"I should have just known."

"You have time to make it right."

"I do?"

He laughed again and I felt warmth embrace me, something like rightness settle around my shoulders.

"Someone had to set you right. I knew I could do it. Love is never perfect, big brother. It's what you make of the imperfections in it that makes the ride worthwhile."

"I met Lando."

That sound that could have been a sigh or something else whirled around me.

"He is how I know all about unconditional love, Rome. He deserved better than my secrets. Frankly everyone did. Who we are is always shifting, turning, and changing. Soon you'll be a father, a husband, then an uncle, and then later on down the line, you'll be a grandfather. Who you are never stays the same. It's called living life."

I felt like if I could control any part of my body, I would wrap my arms around my brother and never let him go, but as it was, things inside me were starting to burn and those pale, winter-tinted eyes were getting hazier and farther and farther away and I was flared up on the inside like an inferno.

"Oh, and Rome." I tried to focus on him but it was getting harder and harder to hold on to where I was at. Pain was starting to pull me apart at the seams and I wanted to scream. "Remy is an awesome name for either a little boy or a little girl. Just saying."

I felt rather than saw him disappear, the warmth, the joy that was my brother, poofed away and I went crashing back to a body that was on fire with pain and flooding with blood in places there shouldn't be blood.

CHAPTER 17.

Cora