Manners and Rules of Good Society Part 4

If the visitor calling bears the t.i.tle of "Honourable" it should not be mentioned by him or her to the servant when giving the name, neither should it be mentioned by the servant when announcing the visitor.

All t.i.tles are given in full by the servants of those who bear them, thus: "The Duke and d.u.c.h.ess of A----," "The Marquis and Marchioness of B----," "The Earl and Countess of C----," "Viscount and Viscountess D----," "Lord and Lady E----," etc.; but a marchioness, a countess, or a viscountess when giving her name to be announced at a morning call would style herself "Lady A----" only.

A gentleman or lady should never give his or her visiting card to the servant when the mistress of the house is at home.

A servant should not knock at the drawing-room door when announcing visitors. The servant, on opening the drawing-room door, should stand inside the doorway, he should not stand behind the door, but well into the room; facing the mistress of the house if possible, and should say, "Mr. A----," or "Mrs. A----."

When the mistress of the house is not in the drawing-room when a visitor arrives, the visitor should seat herself and rise at her entrance.

Visitors should not make any inquiries of the servant as to how long his mistress will be, or where she is, or what she is doing, etc. Visitors are not expected to converse with the servants of their acquaintances, and should not enter into conversation with them.

Formerly a gentleman when calling, took his hat and stick in his hand with him into the drawing-room, and held them until he had seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with her. He either placed them on a chair or table near at hand or held them in his hand, according as to whether he felt at ease or the reverse, until he took his leave. Many middle-aged and elderly men still follow this fashion in a degree, and take their hats and sticks into the drawing-room when making formal calls.

The newer fashion amongst younger men is to leave their hats and sticks in the hall and not to take them into the drawing-room with them when calling. To do this is now very general, as hats are in the way if tea is going on; besides, men were apt to forget where they placed their hats, and frequently had to return to the drawing-room in search of them.

At "at homes," small afternoon teas, luncheons, dinners, etc., the rule is the same, and hats are left in the hall by invited guests.

A gentleman should not take his stick or umbrella with him into the drawing-room, but leave it in the hall.

When gentlemen wear gloves, they can take them off or keep them on as they please, it is immaterial which they do, but when a call is made when tea is going on, it is more usual to take them off.

When the mistress of the house is in the drawing-room when a visitor is announced--and she should so arrange her occupations as always to be found there on the afternoons when she intends being "at home" should visitors call--she should rise, come forward, and shake hands with her visitor. She should not ask her visitor to be seated, or to "take a seat," but she might say, "Where will you sit?" or, "Will you sit here?"

or something to this effect; and should at once sit down and expect her visitor to do the same, as near to herself as possible.

Both hostess and visitor should guard against displaying a fussy demeanour during a morning call, as a morning call is oftener than not a _tete-a-tete_, and a _tete-a-tete_ between two persons but slightly acquainted with each other requires a considerable amount of tact and _savoir vivre_ to be sustained with ease and self-possession. A fussy woman is without repose, without dignity, and without _savoir vivre_.

A hostess betrays that she is not much accustomed to society when she attempts to amuse her visitor by the production of alb.u.ms, photographs, books, ill.u.s.trated newspapers, portfolios of drawings, the artistic efforts of the members of the family, and the like; conversation being all that is necessary, without having recourse to pictorial displays.

If not intimate enough to refer to family matters, the conversation should turn on light topics of the hour.[2]

People unused to society are apt to fall back upon the above advent.i.tious aids. A hostess should rely solely upon her own powers of conversation to make the short quarter of an hour--which is the limit of a ceremonious call--pa.s.s pleasantly to her visitor. The hostess should not offer her visitor any refreshments, wine and cake, for instance. No refreshments whatever, save tea, should be offered to morning visitors; they are not supposed to require them.

In the country it is customary to offer sherry to gentlemen callers, and to order tea for the ladies, even though the call is made rather early in the afternoon, and a little before the hour for having tea.

Ceremonious visits are usually paid before the hour of half-past four; but if tea is brought in while the visitor is in the drawing-room, or if the visitor calls while the hostess is having tea, she should naturally offer her visitor tea.

When the mistress of the house only expects a few callers, "tea" is placed on a small table--a silver tray being generally used for the purpose. The hostess should pour out the tea herself; when a gentleman is present, he should hand the cups to the visitors or visitor, otherwise the hostess should herself do so, and then hand the sugar and cream, without asking whether her visitors will have either, unless she is preparing the cups of tea herself, in which case she should ask the question.

When a second visitor arrives, ten or fifteen minutes after the first visitor, the first visitor should take her leave as soon as she conveniently can. When the second visitor is a lady, the hostess should rise and shake hands with her, and then seat herself; the first visitor, if a lady, should not rise; if a gentleman, he should do so.

A hostess should also rise and come forward when a gentleman is announced; this gives her an opportunity of talking to him for a few moments on his first entering the room. The second visitor should at once seat him or herself near to the hostess.

She should introduce the callers to each other unless she has some especial reason for not doing so. She could, however, in the course of conversation merely mention the name of each caller, so that each may become aware of the name of the other. This is now often done when formal introductions are not made. If the hostess possesses tact, and a facility and readiness of speech, she should skilfully draw both callers into the conversation (a subject which is fully enlarged upon in "The Art of Conversing"). The hostess should not take this latter course unless aware that the two visitors would be likely to appreciate each other.

When one visitor arrives immediately after the other, the hostess should converse equally with both visitors, and the lady who was the first to arrive should be the first to leave, after a call of from ten to fifteen minutes. When only one visitor is present the hostess should accompany her to the door of the drawing-room, and linger for a few moments, whilst the visitor is descending the stairs. To do so would not be imperative, but it would be courteous. When the host is present he should accompany the lady downstairs into the hall; this also is an optional civility, and greatly depends upon the estimation in which the lady is held by host and hostess.

When two visitors are present the hostess should rise and shake hands with the departing visitor; but unless a person of greater consideration than the visitor who still remained seated, she should not accompany her to the drawing-room door.

One visitor should not rise from her seat when another is about to take her leave. When visitors are acquainted with each other they should rise and shake hands. When one of the visitors is a gentleman he should rise, even if unacquainted with the lady who is about to take her leave; he should not remain seated when the hostess is standing.

When two visitors, either two ladies or two gentlemen, have slightly conversed with each other during a morning call, they should not shake hands with each other on leaving, but should merely bow. When they have not spoken to each other, they should not bow.

When they have been formally introduced they should still only bow, unless the acquaintance has progressed into sudden intimacy through previous knowledge of each other.

When one of the visitors present is a gentleman he should open the drawing-room door for the departing visitor, but he should not accompany her downstairs unless requested by the hostess to do so; the visitor should bow to him and thank him, but not shake hands with him.

When the hostess has shaken hands with a guest, and before crossing the room with her, she should ring the drawing-room bell, that the servant may be in readiness in the hall to open the door. She should ring the bell even if the host were accompanying the lady downstairs. It would be thoughtless on the part of the hostess to forget to ring the bell to give notice to the servant that a visitor was leaving.

In the country, the caller before rising to depart sometimes asks if she may ring for her motor-car to come round. When the hostess is in reach of the bell, she should ring it for her; when a gentleman is present, he should do so. On the servant's entrance, the caller should say, "My motor-car, please!"

When a lady is calling on a friend, the guest of some one with whom she herself is unacquainted, or even but slightly acquainted, she should in both cases ask if her friend is at home, and not if the mistress of the house is at home; and having paid her visit, on leaving the house she should leave cards for its mistress if she is slightly acquainted with her, but should not do so if she is unacquainted with her.

When a lady has a guest staying on a visit to her, if convenient, she should, when her guest expected visitors, absent herself from the drawing-room at that particular time, unless the expected visitors are mutual friends of herself and guest.

If she is in the drawing-room with her guests when a visitor is announced so as to render an introduction inevitable, a formal introduction should be made, but the mistress of the house, after a very few minutes, should make some excuse, quietly leave the room, and not return until after the departure of the visitor. It would be inconsiderate were the mistress of the house to remain in the drawing-room while calls were paid to her guest by strangers to herself unless at her guest's particular request. When a visitor is a gentleman, and the guest a young unmarried lady, the mistress of the house should remain in the drawing-room to chaperon her.

When the mistress of the house is desirous of making the acquaintance of any particular friend of her guest, from whom she expected a visit, when the visit occurs and previous to the visitor taking her leave, the guest should ask if she will allow her to introduce her to the lady with whom she is staying. If her visitor desires the introduction, she should then ring and request the servant to tell his mistress that Mrs. A. is in the drawing-room, which message the hostess would understand to mean that her presence is desired, and the introduction would then be made on her appearing. An introduction, if made in this manner, could become the basis of a future acquaintance, both ladies having had the option of refusing the acquaintance of the other if so disposed; whereas a forced introduction where no option is given would hardly count as the basis of a future acquaintance unless the ladies thus introduced mutually appreciated each other.

In the country a guest seldom has friends and acquaintances in the neighbourhood, who are unknown to her hostess; if otherwise, the hostess should give her guest the opportunity of seeing her visitor by leaving them together when the call is made.

When a guest is present when the mistress of a house is receiving callers, she should introduce them to her guest or her guest to them, according to the rank of either (see Chapter II.).

When a lady is driving with a friend who is a stranger to the acquaintance on whom she is calling, she should not take her into the house with her while she makes her call, unless she is a young lady, or unless there is some especial reason for introducing the two ladies to each other, or unless both ladies have expressed a wish to become acquainted with each other. Husbands and wives occasionally pay calls together, but oftener they do not. A lady, as a rule, pays a call by herself, unless she has a grown-up daughter, when she should accompany her mother.

Occasionally two ladies, both intimate with the lady of the house, pay their calls together. A family party, of father and mother and daughter, or daughters, rarely call in town together, save under very exceptional circ.u.mstances; but in the country a family party of three or four would, as a matter of course, call together; it is country etiquette to do so.

A considerable difference exists with regard to "Sunday calls," or calling on Sundays. Ladies should not pay ceremonious calls on Sundays; it would not be etiquette for an acquaintance to call on a Sunday, it would rather be considered a liberty, unless she were expressly asked to do so. Intimate friends, on the contrary, often make Sunday a special day for calling, and therefore, ladies and gentlemen--more especially gentlemen--extend their calling hours from three until six o'clock on Sundays.

When a lady is acquainted with the daughters of a family only, and not with their father or mother, she should call on the daughters, who should at once introduce her to their mother on the next occasion of calling. If the mother is not present, the lady calling should leave cards for her; and at all morning calls, when the daughters of the house receive a ceremonious visit from an acquaintance, in the absence of their mother, whether from indisposition or any other cause, cards should be left for her in the hall before leaving by the lady calling (see Chapter III.).

In all cases, when "morning calls" are made, and the lady called on is not at home, cards should be left according to the etiquette described in Chapter II., an etiquette which should be strictly observed; when the lady called on is "at home," cards should be left for the gentlemen of the family, according to the same rules of card-leaving, which cannot be too punctiliously followed.

A mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before luncheon, or before the hours for calling, whether she intends to be "at home" to visitors or not during the afternoon.

"Not at home" is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors.

"Not at home" is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify that for some reason, or reasons, it is not desirable to see visitors; and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances the why and the wherefore of its being inconvenient to receive visitors, the formula of "Not at home" is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of "Not at home" when the query is put to him. If a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes to see visitors or not, it is almost a direct offence to the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves her either sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, while "He will see if his mistress is 'at home,'" perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory answer that she is "Not at home"; in which case the intimation is almost received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors.

If a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls, the servant can mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offer to ascertain if his mistress will see the caller; and the caller should use her own discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not; but unless the visit is one of importance, it would be best in such a case only to leave cards.

When a second visitor calls, a servant should not be permitted to say that his mistress is "engaged with a lady," or "with a gentleman," but should usher the second caller into the drawing-room, as he has previously done the first caller. He should not inquire as to whether his mistress will see the second caller or not. Neither should he inform the second caller as to whether any one is or is not with his mistress, as ignorant servants are too apt to do.

It is not usual to offer coffee at afternoon tea; tea only is given. To offer coffee is a foreign fashion, and not an English one.

"Morning" callers should not be conducted to the dining-room to have tea; and tea is only served in the dining-room on the occasion of a large afternoon tea, or afternoon "at home," etc. (See chapter on "Afternoon 'At Homes,'" p. 151.)

The tea hour varies from 4 to 4.30 o'clock. When callers are present at 4 o'clock, tea should be brought in at that hour. It should be placed upon a small table, which is first covered with a white linen or damask tea-cloth. The tea-tray should be large enough to hold, in addition to the china, silver teapot, etc., an urn for hot water, which should be brought in and placed upon it. A stand containing hot cakes, an uncut cake, small cakes, tiny sandwiches, and thin bread-and-b.u.t.ter should be placed near to the tea-table. Tiny tea-plates should be placed in a pile upon the tea-tray, they being in general use. The hostess or her daughter should pour out the tea.